How To Deal When Your Kitty's Cheating On You

[omondieu]

 
Why did you start letting this Rasha cat come into your house when it belongs to two other cats? That's a recipe for disaster. Niko probably figures that the game in your neighborhood is for cats to audition all the houses until they find their favorite. 

If you think Niko will be happier there, and you don't want to evict Rasha, then let him become that lady's cat.

If you really want him back, you'll have to reset your house to how it was when he was happy there, then crate him and bring him inside your home for a while.

I'd be happy to evict Rasha! I don't mind greeting him outside when I come to visit, but he's kind of a dumb douche. My mom figured that because Niko would go to visit Rasha's house, that he wouldn't mind if Rasha came to visit us. But Rasha's owners like Niko a lot more than Rasha, so I think that his visits there were more him flaunting his alphaness on Rasha's turf. But now that Rasha's moving in on his home, he's not happy. And clearly neither is Murka. 

 

[p3 and the king]

 
I'd be happy to evict Rasha! I don't mind greeting him outside when I come to visit, but he's kind of a dumb douche. My mom figured that because Niko would go to visit Rasha's house, that he wouldn't mind if Rasha came to visit us. But Rasha's owners like Niko a lot more than Rasha, so I think that his visits there were more him flaunting his alphaness on Rasha's turf. But now that Rasha's moving in on his home, he's not happy. And clearly neither is Murka. 

Unfortunately, it's not that easy.  As  I said, outdoor cat dynamics are not the same.  A males territory is about a mile long.  Sometimes 2 males can coexist in the same territory but they don't want to run into each other.  Or else, there may be a fight.  With Rasha being your "neighbors" cat, it would be difficult to "evict" him without making them sore or further alienating Niko.  Because all the "natural" things you could do to repel Rasha, would also repel Niko.  So your only choice is to stop feeding Rasha altogether by bringing Niko inside.  Rasha will stop coming by if there is no longer food.  You're kind of at a loss here.  Niko has found someone and somewhere he may like better.  You don't want to lose him.  But, he's also got another cat eating his food and claiming you as his.  So the ONLY way is to bring him in, if you're not willing to do this, there isn't much help we can do for you.  You can alienate Rasha, but like I said, it's no guarantee that Niko will return or won't be further alienated as well. 

 

[p3 and the king]

Correct me if I'm wrong and I apologize if I am... But, are you a child living in your parents home?  I'm guessing maybe you could be because I think you would have already brought him in if you could... But, someone else has already said "No" and they out rank you?  I am sorry.  I don't mean to be blunt.  Believe me, I know what you're going through.  As a child, my dad wouldn't let me bring my cats in.  I had a neighbor lady that was constantly "stealing" them from me.  No matter how much my parents pleaded with her to not feed my cats, she would.  I would even go over and get my cat and bring it home.  It would stay while I was outside playing, but then it'd go back to her once I was inside.  It broke my heart. 

My vet said to me "Unfortunately, that is how it is with outdoor cats.  They do not have 'owners'.  They are free to do as they please."  Cats are very opportunistic.  If it's available, they are going to take it.  You can't take away Niko's food because Rasha will go after your other cats and alienate her next.  Soon you will lose them both.  So unless someone is willing to bring their cat in and keep it in, it's going to be this way unfortunately. 

Another point to make is that if you feel Niko needs medical attention, you have an obligation if you are claiming him to get him that medical attention. 

 

[omondieu]

 
Correct me if I'm wrong and I apologize if I am... But, are you a child living in your parents home?  I'm guessing maybe you could be because I think you would have already brought him in if you could... But, someone else has already said "No" and they out rank you?  I am sorry.  I don't mean to be blunt.  Believe me, I know what you're going through.  As a child, my dad wouldn't let me bring my cats in.  I had a neighbor lady that was constantly "stealing" them from me.  No matter how much my parents pleaded with her to not feed my cats, she would.  I would even go over and get my cat and bring it home.  It would stay while I was outside playing, but then it'd go back to her once I was inside.  It broke my heart. 

My vet said to me "Unfortunately, that is how it is with outdoor cats.  They do not have 'owners'.  They are free to do as they please."  Cats are very opportunistic.  If it's available, they are going to take it.  You can't take away Niko's food because Rasha will go after your other cats and alienate her next.  Soon you will lose them both.  So unless someone is willing to bring their cat in and keep it in, it's going to be this way unfortunately. 

Another point to make is that if you feel Niko needs medical attention, you have an obligation if you are claiming him to get him that medical attention. 

I no longer live in my mother's home, but Niko currently does as I currently live with someone who has a dog, and until I can afford to be in my own (pet friendly) place, Niko's living with her and my grandmother. Due to circumstances I have not been visiting my mother very much in the past month or so, and I thought that maybe my absence could have been contributing to Niko's moodiness, as I've always been his number one human. My mother insists that she "can't keep him in" when he comes during the week because he meows at the door. In my opinion though, unless Niko's turning the knob himself (my mother doesn't even have a cat flap), or vaporizing through the door, he can be kept in. I keep telling her that she needs to be vigilant and not give in to him, but she seems to live under the delusion that he can't be kept inside. I'm going to try to come by and maybe a stay over a few nights during the week now that I have a holiday break from work and see if my presence and attention can win him back.  

 

[vbcatparent]

When an outdoor cat is determined to get out, there isn't much a human can do short of crating them. The forums here abound with stories of a cat who bolted before anyone could grab them, cats pushing through window screens, finding a loose door in a cellar, etc until they are free. Cats have nothing but time to think of escape plans.

I know it's easy to feel like your mom is not doing all she can, but from her POV you can't really demand that she treat Niko like a prisoner, block him from the door 24/7, plead with him to stay in when he clearly doesn't want to, etc. That gets exhausting after a while, and it is really not sustainable.

 

[angels mommy]

Sad as it is, I agree with everyone. It is hard sense you are not living there to take make the  discussions.  with all the circumstances, you not being there as much, the added business of the house, the neighbor cats, etc...

(which I agree, was a bad idea to let in when you have your own cats. It threatens their territory, their safe space.)  Maybe you need to explain to your mom, why it was/is a bad idea to allow the other cats in the house.

I bet he does feel displaced.  I would however, go & get him for a vet visit, just to make sure everything IS o.k medially, so you have peace of mind w/ that at least. 

My only other concern is that you said the lady has Parkinson's. I would worry that as her health gets worse, she wouldn't be able to take care of him as she should, & what would happen to him, if things go downhill fast for her.  It's awful to say, & think about, but it's a serious reality you may want to think about. I know you said he was 13, but cats can live quite past that if healthy.  It's also his future to think about.

I hope you can find your own place very soon, as this would remedy all of this.  What about finding a pet friendly roommate, who doesn't have any pets??? 

When angel came to me, he had originally been "hanging around"/'living at the neighbors for a few years. He wasn't registered to them or anything, but they fed him & let him in the house.  I later found out that her daughter had a baby around the time Angel started coming over, & eventually staying, w/ me, so i think he was looking for a more peaceful place too. He like many cats had the feline herpes, which stress induces. (which after 2 yrs of needing occasional eye drops & increased lysine dosages, every few weeks, is under control).

After a year of hanging out & staying w/ me, (& not being fed for almost a yr) & nothing being said to me by the neighbor, who knew he was here, I finally took him to the vet, & made it "official."   I truly believe he was meant to be w/ me, because he is taken better care of, fed better food, etc..  I say this because in 2012, he went through a UTI & cystitis 2XS!  If he would have still been over there, they probably never would have known, (sense he went potty outside),

& he could have blocked, & wouldn't be here today. (as well as needed/had dental work). we finally did speak about it, & she was just happy he found a good home. 

There is a lot more to the story, but that is the jest of it.  (I will be posting the whole story, I finally wrote soon!)

Point is, he is being taken good care of, & that's what you want to be sure Niko will get.  etc...

I really hope you can find a place to live where you can take him back, & you two can get back on track. 

Best of luck, keep us posted.

 

[stewball]

Maybe he knows that your neighbor needs a fur baby friend

I found the thread perfectly clear.

Oh, okay. I didn't make that connection from the story. I thought Niko was an outdoor stray. Now I see your concerns.

And nice editing; the story is much clearer now.

 

[stewball]

I think she was looking a my post of our neighborhood Siamese that took up residence in our home after our neighbors moved and left him behind.

I don't understand people leaving their cats behind.
I have an abandoned some siamese. My luck. He's a lovely boy.

 

[stewball]

Have you ever thought of going to visit him at this woman's house. I'm sure she wouldn't object as she does know he belongs to you.
Have You Tried To See If He Can live With The Dog? Dogs and cats can and do get along. Maybe you could crate him and introduce him to the dog to see what happens.
To get him back to your mother's house she has to get rid of the smell of next doors cat.
I don't think you are doing enough yourself to make him want to come back to you.

 

[omondieu]

Is there any special solution that would neutralize the smell of the other cat?

 

[jtbo]

He's long been used to sharing the space with our other cat and the rest of our family, so I find it odd that he's just decided to take up residence with this lady after she's been cat-less for a year. I feel that this change in behaviour came about when our neighbour's cat Rasha (the one he's friends with, also a neutered male) started coming over to our house recently. Rasha used to just hang around outside with Niko, but now he comes INSIDE our house, and has no qualms about eating our cats' food (he's a huge cat and eats EVERYTHING). Rasha belongs next door, to the neighbours Niko used to visit constantly, sleeping on their beds, hanging out with their kids. Now if they see him and call him, he runs away. Could he be resentful of Rasha? 

Cats are not so attached to persons really (sure they remember if there is bad experiences from some persons or if they have made such connection, but it is not so important who brings the food as long as it does not remind them from scary things), if they find reliable source of food and more suitable surroundings for their liking, they may move.

Too much disturbance can make them move too provided that there is good food source and perhaps shelter in some other location.

Then there are territorial wars, which may cause for cat to look for new place, they might then come to old territory but be quite alerted and move quickly away when disturbed, that is what I have found happening here, neighbors cat was visiting territory of my cats and he surely was very alert, he is very nice cat when on his own territory. Recently he has learned to stay on his own territory as my cats were constantly chasing him off.

I think that there is even some scientific evidence for pets being able to recognize when people are sick, maybe that has something to do with it too, but I would not put too much weight on that possibility.

What I think is that it is probably combination of things, territory, need for calm quiet environment, etc.

To get your cat back, he would need to be kept indoors for quite a time so he learns it is his new territory, but would it be best for the cat? Or would he be happier where he is now?
Of course we humans like to own all kind of things, but can we truly own a living creature and how much weight we should put on what creature desires? Clearly cat has made of choice himself, within rules of those that cat understands and lives by, if he is happy and if some other human being finds some happiness from having cat companion, would it be impossible idea to let him go or to let him have extended vacation?

I know it is quite different point of view and very difficult one too, but considering rationally would it be better option than holding on just because history and emotional ties?

Nobody can tell of course, but you, however it might be one solution possible to make work.

 

[goddessgirl]

I love that you named your cat Niko.

 

[omondieu]

 
I love that you named your cat Niko.

I went through an anime phase in grade 9, and knew that "neko" was Japanese for cat, but I thought it was pronounced "NEE-koh", and didn't know it was actually "NEH-koh". But then I learned that "niko" means "smile" in Japanese, so it wasn't really a misnomer after all! 

 

[chloejune]

One of my kittens was named Niko and I, too, understood that Niko kind of sounds like nekko which means cat in Japanese. Unfortunately, Niko died after 2 days of being born.

But, anyway,  I'm sorry but your problem seems very simple if your mother would only not let him out and not let Rasha in. That's what doors are for.

 

[omondieu]

Okay, so update: we went to this lady's house and retrieved Niko. As soon as she opened the door he ran out to greet me. She invited me inside, and he was all over me. He's back here, but pretty tense, especially when he's upstairs in the main hall and living room, which is where our neighbour's cat frequented. What can we do to calm him down a bit and erase the smell of the other cat? Does Feliway work? I'm not even sure whether it's sold in Canada.

 

[vbcatparent]

We got a calming collar for ours to cope with anxiety over Christmas decorations. It has made a big difference for him. They don't help every cat in every situation but it can and does help many cats.

 

[omondieu]

Forgot to mention that he's also a little pissy at me. He's sort of in a "don't touch me" mood. Not aggressive, but not as affectionate as before. Should we just leave him alone and let him do his own thing, or be really super attentive to him?

 

[angels mommy]

That's great!  Yes, Feliway works, but comfort zone usually is cheaper, & is the same thing. I have found the best prices on amazon. You should be able to get it from there. Other than doing a lot of cleaning. being sure to wipe down everything on the cat's level that he has touched, rubbed against, table legs, baseboards, a good vacuuming, mopping, etc,, I don't know. Maybe someone else will have some more info for you. That's all I know to do. After cleaning, you could also try the comfort zone spray as well, & spray those low areas that the cat may have rubbed against. (furniture legs, front base of couch/chair, etc..)  

Good luck, keep us posted. 

Oh, & maybe some calming treats (while you are on amazon) might be good too. 

 

 

 

[omondieu]

By the time I left he seemed more content. He was snoozing in the living room, which I guess is progress considering he was pretty tense up there when he first came back. Noticed he didn't lick me at all during my visit, but tentatively jumped up on my lap and rubbed up against my legs while I was in the basement watching a movie. He's probably feeling a little distrustful. Ate and drank quite a bit. I bought him an enclosed kitty bed for Christmas, and he took to that right away. Stayed in there for several hours. He did make a bit of a fuss wanting to go outside, but that didn't last long. Apparently Feliway isn't sold in stores in Canada, but there are similar products I'll look into tomorrow. I'm learning so much about feline body language, it's ridiculous! The way I've been monitoring him, I feel like a new mom whose child has its first fever, haha. 

 

[angels mommy]

That's great news!  Yes, body language is important when it comes to cats.  It's great that you are learning a lot. That's what"s wonderful about this site. There is a lot of info!  

As for the feliway, or comfort zone, can you not order from amazon there?  Here's a link to check out, just incase.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_s...ort+zone+for+cats,aps,245&tag=&tag=thecatsite