Laurie was kind enough to ask for well wishes for me, about 2wks ago. But couldn't give a whole lot of details at the time, and I haven't been able to untill I had done some research on what I can or can't say.
I am in the process of a very messy divorce with 2 children involved as well as finding myself again.
For the past 3 yrs I've had my life taken away from me, to the point of having no self esteem, no worth, no positive feelings about myself whatsoever, believing that I could do no better because I am a disabled woman who suffers depression, and have been abandoned to deal with issues such as medication withdrawal on my own, with 2 beautiful girls to take care of as well. In a figure of speech, I have been used, controlled, beat down, and manipulated to the point of not knowing which way is up.
Earlier this year, I was brought back to the point in my life where I considered ending my life. This is something I have not considered in 15yrs, but the trauma I was going through, I had no one to help, and the thoughts crossed my mind. I promised my mom, back when I was 19 that I would never make an attempt on my life again and I've held true to that. As well as my father taking his own life just a year ago, and my 2 daughters. But to know me, knowing that I thought this way, just shows how low things had gotten.
But I had hope. Hope that the man I loved would come back, hope that the odd occasion of happiness as a family was a sign that things would be better, hope that I could rebuild trust in him after his betrayals, just hope for everything or anything.
I cannot give up on something when there is the least bit of hope in my eyes. Even when deep down I knew it was a losing battle. I have very few "lines to be crossed", but they were. Foolishly I stayed, and let myself get to the point I'm at now, having a long hard journey ahead to "fix" me, and find me again.
On Aug 23 2011, only 4yrs and 2 months exactly after getting married, we separated. Not on good terms at all. (we have been together 15yrs total, living together 9yrs) Haven't been doing well for about 3yrs.
He had left on the Sat. then came busting into our home on the Tues, frightening us very much. A verbal argument happened and I found my breaking point, the kick in the bum that I needed to finally stand up for myself. It came when my youngest daughter was brought into an adult argument, manipulation at its finest. She was in tears, hurt and helpless. I have always sworn I would protect my children, and have done a crap job of it over the past 3yrs. But this was the straw that broke the camels back. I told my kids to go upstairs, and I spoke firmly. I was done being abused, I was done having my kids hurt by him, I was done being nothing to him, I was done being insulted and reduced into a worthless ....... I was done with everything. He laughed at me, which pushed me further. He just kept laughing, he was better than me, he expected me to crumble but I didn't. I fought back.
I do not condone acts of physical violence of any sort, and I do regret parts of the choice I made that day, it landed me in jail and now I have an assault charge against me, which i go to court for in Oct. Not to make excuses for my actions, but we all have our breaking points. This was mine. For the first time ever in my life, I slapped him.
After doing so, he argued with me for another 10mins and when I told him again that I was done listening to him, he simply coyly stated that since I wasn't going to listen to him, he had better phone the police. And that is exactly what he did.
I spent 7hrs in a holding cell while they did their paperwork, my (ex)husband spent the time with one of my children, statements were given, and at one point I was told I would have to find an alternate place to live with my children as he was not going to leave our home. My daughter spoke up and let them know that he had many places he could go, we had nowhere. The officials talked to him, and he finally agreed that we (myself and the children) could stay in our home. This was the part that angered me, and keeps the fire burning within. Being willing to send us to a shelter or the streets, when he has plenty of places to go. This was lower than his infidelities, than the cruelty put upon me, as this involved BOTH children. It was shocking to me, and I don't care about hurting me, but hurting both children is a no.
A few days later, I received notice from his lawyer stating very unreasonable demands. *Insert frantic search for a lawyer, while lacking $$$*
I started dealing with the women's shelter here, which offers amazing services to women in domestic violence situations of any sort (the term domestic violence encompasses alot and is widely used here. It does not just mean physical abuse, it could be anything, verbal, financial, psychological, etc. etc. the key point is that it occurs in a domestic environment/union). Without them I would be lost. They were able to provide me a certificate which allowed me up to 2hrs with a lawyer, no cost to me. They even accompanied me to said appt.
I do not make much money, I am on workers comp and disabled. So I had to apply for legal assistance, which takes some time. in the meantime I have messages from his lawyer with threats of if I don't do X, they will resort to court (which I do not want. Court is long, hard and very expensive. If we can settle issues lawyer to lawyer, I will do it that way. But if need be, I will fight in court for my children). I was able to get an emergency consult with a lawyer, then had to wait for my legal assistance to be approved.
I also was able to give a victim impact type of statement late last week.
The 2wks have been a jumble of appts at the police station, consultations with legal counsel, communication w his lawyer, as well of course as being a single mom.
I value my childrens opinions. They are 15 and 11 and well able to decide what they want.
My youngest is having the most difficult time with this. She loves her father, and I have respect for that. He has been a good father to her. I will not come between them, and did allow him to take her for the night this past weekend. Everything was arranged through his lawyer, and come the time he was due to return her, he didn't show up.
My other daughter and I were terrified. As had he chose to keep her, there would have bee nothing I can do until there is a legal document in place regarding custody. Thankfully he showed up 45mins late.
My mind obviously is set on custody and access to the children. I need to get something set up legally so that should that happen again, I can phone the police and they will do something about it.
I have an appt with the lawyer I had the consult with, this afternoon.
Please wish me luck, I'm hoping that he can at least give me some guidance on the custody issue to start. After custody and access has been dealt with we have the normal issues: child support, spousal support, what to do with the house and truck, division of belongings, and so on.
The timing of all this, just simply sucks. Not that it doesn't in all cases, but.... we just renewed our mortgage for 5yrs in August (meaning there will be penalties out the wazoo for breaking that...unless he wants the home, as I cannot afford it on my own) AND we just replaced our leased truck with another truck in January. Both are legal contracts, and both will have some serious penalties for defaulting.
At this time, I am in our house with the kids, and I do have the vehicle (he has a work vehicle plus a car). Both of us are still paying to cover the house bills, as there is one thing we can agree on, neither of us want to mess with our individual credit so the bills are continuing to be paid.
To sum this up, I could use help/thoughts/vibes for the following:
- My daughter Kayleigh. She is the one he manipulated into arguments and now she is scared to say anything to either parent. She loves him very much and our fighting, now our divorce is extremely hard on her. (she will be seeing a counselor to help her with this) She needs peaceful, relaxing vibes, and that both her parents think about HER, not their own needs. I've been doing my best, he calls her daily, and I spend a lot of time distracting her from all this. She is confused, she is afraid to say when she doesn't want to go with him because she doesn't want to hurt him. She was scared to tell me if she wanted to go, in case I was hurt by it. But I've been able to explain that I want what she wants, I want her to be happy and have a good relationship with her father and she does not have to fear any repercussions from me.
- for my daughter Kendra, who is taking too much of this onto her shoulders when she shouldn't and doesn't need to. She is trying to look after me, her sister, but forgets to look after her. I've been trying to encourage her and explain that these are not issues she can change, nor does she need to carry around my issues. So vibes that she is able to let go of all the weight she's placed on herself, and that she talks to me or anyone openly about her hurts.
- for me: help in finding myself again, or rebuilding myself.
That we don't have to go to court for the family matters.
That I qualify for the domestic diversion program which will get the criminal charge against me dropped.
That I am able to see the road I will be traveling on, soon. I would like to see a direction, whether that be positive progress in a settlement agreement, or the road to going through the court system.
Right now I have no idea where we are going (court, house, where I'm going to live, custody, etc) and could use the thoughts in my head to slow down and not all jumble up.
That I get the help I need to deal with all that has happened to me, as well as going thru some anger management classes as I am very very angry at the moment. Not just at him, but at myself. I feel I should have done a better job at protecting my kids, I haven't been a great mom, all the stress on me caused me to be more snappy and not as patient. Let's just sum it up with there has been a lot of damage done, and I need help rebuilding myself. (I do have that help from the womans shelter which provides free counseling services and other supports as I do not really have "friends", I have acquaintances, but not friends.)
That I am able to find a home for rent that takes pets, and will fit me and the girls (I've been looking for six months now, and there is nothing available that will fit us, and the odd one that did, said no pets)
I guess I need a bit of everything..support, guidance, well wishes, etc.
I know there's some of you out there thinking I've given way too much info here, but keep in mind that I have done my research before posting especially regarding my charges (which, since I've given a victim statement, and refuse to lie, I will be entering a guilty plea and hoping that I qualify for the domestic diversion program) and any potential "slander/libel" issues have made it so I watch my wording, I am 100% comfortable sharing this, and in sharing I hope that anyone else who is in a similar situation can learn, or feel comfortable in sharing or getting help.
as well as letting my friends here know what has been going on.
It is said that on average, a person (usually a woman) in a domestic violence situation will leave 7 times before they are able to leave for good.
That is a very sad statistic, and I hope you are not in that.
While I cannot share much more than I have ( for fear of being accused of slander/libel) I am more than willing to talk in PM, or on facebook, or email. If I can help just one person have the courage to stand up for themselves, then the tears I shed writing this, will have been worth it.
Thanks again for the well wishes, and thank you for reading my book.
I am in the process of a very messy divorce with 2 children involved as well as finding myself again.
For the past 3 yrs I've had my life taken away from me, to the point of having no self esteem, no worth, no positive feelings about myself whatsoever, believing that I could do no better because I am a disabled woman who suffers depression, and have been abandoned to deal with issues such as medication withdrawal on my own, with 2 beautiful girls to take care of as well. In a figure of speech, I have been used, controlled, beat down, and manipulated to the point of not knowing which way is up.
Earlier this year, I was brought back to the point in my life where I considered ending my life. This is something I have not considered in 15yrs, but the trauma I was going through, I had no one to help, and the thoughts crossed my mind. I promised my mom, back when I was 19 that I would never make an attempt on my life again and I've held true to that. As well as my father taking his own life just a year ago, and my 2 daughters. But to know me, knowing that I thought this way, just shows how low things had gotten.
But I had hope. Hope that the man I loved would come back, hope that the odd occasion of happiness as a family was a sign that things would be better, hope that I could rebuild trust in him after his betrayals, just hope for everything or anything.
I cannot give up on something when there is the least bit of hope in my eyes. Even when deep down I knew it was a losing battle. I have very few "lines to be crossed", but they were. Foolishly I stayed, and let myself get to the point I'm at now, having a long hard journey ahead to "fix" me, and find me again.
On Aug 23 2011, only 4yrs and 2 months exactly after getting married, we separated. Not on good terms at all. (we have been together 15yrs total, living together 9yrs) Haven't been doing well for about 3yrs.
He had left on the Sat. then came busting into our home on the Tues, frightening us very much. A verbal argument happened and I found my breaking point, the kick in the bum that I needed to finally stand up for myself. It came when my youngest daughter was brought into an adult argument, manipulation at its finest. She was in tears, hurt and helpless. I have always sworn I would protect my children, and have done a crap job of it over the past 3yrs. But this was the straw that broke the camels back. I told my kids to go upstairs, and I spoke firmly. I was done being abused, I was done having my kids hurt by him, I was done being nothing to him, I was done being insulted and reduced into a worthless ....... I was done with everything. He laughed at me, which pushed me further. He just kept laughing, he was better than me, he expected me to crumble but I didn't. I fought back.
I do not condone acts of physical violence of any sort, and I do regret parts of the choice I made that day, it landed me in jail and now I have an assault charge against me, which i go to court for in Oct. Not to make excuses for my actions, but we all have our breaking points. This was mine. For the first time ever in my life, I slapped him.
After doing so, he argued with me for another 10mins and when I told him again that I was done listening to him, he simply coyly stated that since I wasn't going to listen to him, he had better phone the police. And that is exactly what he did.
I spent 7hrs in a holding cell while they did their paperwork, my (ex)husband spent the time with one of my children, statements were given, and at one point I was told I would have to find an alternate place to live with my children as he was not going to leave our home. My daughter spoke up and let them know that he had many places he could go, we had nowhere. The officials talked to him, and he finally agreed that we (myself and the children) could stay in our home. This was the part that angered me, and keeps the fire burning within. Being willing to send us to a shelter or the streets, when he has plenty of places to go. This was lower than his infidelities, than the cruelty put upon me, as this involved BOTH children. It was shocking to me, and I don't care about hurting me, but hurting both children is a no.
A few days later, I received notice from his lawyer stating very unreasonable demands. *Insert frantic search for a lawyer, while lacking $$$*
I started dealing with the women's shelter here, which offers amazing services to women in domestic violence situations of any sort (the term domestic violence encompasses alot and is widely used here. It does not just mean physical abuse, it could be anything, verbal, financial, psychological, etc. etc. the key point is that it occurs in a domestic environment/union). Without them I would be lost. They were able to provide me a certificate which allowed me up to 2hrs with a lawyer, no cost to me. They even accompanied me to said appt.
I do not make much money, I am on workers comp and disabled. So I had to apply for legal assistance, which takes some time. in the meantime I have messages from his lawyer with threats of if I don't do X, they will resort to court (which I do not want. Court is long, hard and very expensive. If we can settle issues lawyer to lawyer, I will do it that way. But if need be, I will fight in court for my children). I was able to get an emergency consult with a lawyer, then had to wait for my legal assistance to be approved.
I also was able to give a victim impact type of statement late last week.
The 2wks have been a jumble of appts at the police station, consultations with legal counsel, communication w his lawyer, as well of course as being a single mom.
I value my childrens opinions. They are 15 and 11 and well able to decide what they want.
My youngest is having the most difficult time with this. She loves her father, and I have respect for that. He has been a good father to her. I will not come between them, and did allow him to take her for the night this past weekend. Everything was arranged through his lawyer, and come the time he was due to return her, he didn't show up.
My other daughter and I were terrified. As had he chose to keep her, there would have bee nothing I can do until there is a legal document in place regarding custody. Thankfully he showed up 45mins late.
My mind obviously is set on custody and access to the children. I need to get something set up legally so that should that happen again, I can phone the police and they will do something about it.
I have an appt with the lawyer I had the consult with, this afternoon.
Please wish me luck, I'm hoping that he can at least give me some guidance on the custody issue to start. After custody and access has been dealt with we have the normal issues: child support, spousal support, what to do with the house and truck, division of belongings, and so on.
The timing of all this, just simply sucks. Not that it doesn't in all cases, but.... we just renewed our mortgage for 5yrs in August (meaning there will be penalties out the wazoo for breaking that...unless he wants the home, as I cannot afford it on my own) AND we just replaced our leased truck with another truck in January. Both are legal contracts, and both will have some serious penalties for defaulting.
At this time, I am in our house with the kids, and I do have the vehicle (he has a work vehicle plus a car). Both of us are still paying to cover the house bills, as there is one thing we can agree on, neither of us want to mess with our individual credit so the bills are continuing to be paid.
To sum this up, I could use help/thoughts/vibes for the following:
- My daughter Kayleigh. She is the one he manipulated into arguments and now she is scared to say anything to either parent. She loves him very much and our fighting, now our divorce is extremely hard on her. (she will be seeing a counselor to help her with this) She needs peaceful, relaxing vibes, and that both her parents think about HER, not their own needs. I've been doing my best, he calls her daily, and I spend a lot of time distracting her from all this. She is confused, she is afraid to say when she doesn't want to go with him because she doesn't want to hurt him. She was scared to tell me if she wanted to go, in case I was hurt by it. But I've been able to explain that I want what she wants, I want her to be happy and have a good relationship with her father and she does not have to fear any repercussions from me.
- for my daughter Kendra, who is taking too much of this onto her shoulders when she shouldn't and doesn't need to. She is trying to look after me, her sister, but forgets to look after her. I've been trying to encourage her and explain that these are not issues she can change, nor does she need to carry around my issues. So vibes that she is able to let go of all the weight she's placed on herself, and that she talks to me or anyone openly about her hurts.
- for me: help in finding myself again, or rebuilding myself.
That we don't have to go to court for the family matters.
That I qualify for the domestic diversion program which will get the criminal charge against me dropped.
That I am able to see the road I will be traveling on, soon. I would like to see a direction, whether that be positive progress in a settlement agreement, or the road to going through the court system.
Right now I have no idea where we are going (court, house, where I'm going to live, custody, etc) and could use the thoughts in my head to slow down and not all jumble up.
That I get the help I need to deal with all that has happened to me, as well as going thru some anger management classes as I am very very angry at the moment. Not just at him, but at myself. I feel I should have done a better job at protecting my kids, I haven't been a great mom, all the stress on me caused me to be more snappy and not as patient. Let's just sum it up with there has been a lot of damage done, and I need help rebuilding myself. (I do have that help from the womans shelter which provides free counseling services and other supports as I do not really have "friends", I have acquaintances, but not friends.)
That I am able to find a home for rent that takes pets, and will fit me and the girls (I've been looking for six months now, and there is nothing available that will fit us, and the odd one that did, said no pets)
I guess I need a bit of everything..support, guidance, well wishes, etc.
I know there's some of you out there thinking I've given way too much info here, but keep in mind that I have done my research before posting especially regarding my charges (which, since I've given a victim statement, and refuse to lie, I will be entering a guilty plea and hoping that I qualify for the domestic diversion program) and any potential "slander/libel" issues have made it so I watch my wording, I am 100% comfortable sharing this, and in sharing I hope that anyone else who is in a similar situation can learn, or feel comfortable in sharing or getting help.
as well as letting my friends here know what has been going on.
It is said that on average, a person (usually a woman) in a domestic violence situation will leave 7 times before they are able to leave for good.
That is a very sad statistic, and I hope you are not in that.
While I cannot share much more than I have ( for fear of being accused of slander/libel) I am more than willing to talk in PM, or on facebook, or email. If I can help just one person have the courage to stand up for themselves, then the tears I shed writing this, will have been worth it.
Thanks again for the well wishes, and thank you for reading my book.
