Help with teenage son. (and girlfriend)

[KitEKats4Eva!]

He sounds like a good kid who is excited about his girlfriend and just trying to see what he can get away with. I think your rule is perfectly fair and is, in fact, the same rule I grew up with. My older brother explained to me that you need to earn trust and more leniency by being willing to compromise, and that parents are always going to seem unreasonable to you regardless of whether they think so or not.

I think it might help to explain your fears to your son, and to let him know that whilst you do respect his privacy and his relationship with his girlfriend, that unfortunately for him while he live in your house he must abide by your rules. Tell him that he deserves to be treated fairly as everyone does, and because he is a good boy and works hard, ask him what he thinks would be a reasonable compromise - one that gives him some privacy and still gives you some control over the situation. Tell him that being young and in love (or in lust, as the case may be) is exciting and wonderful and you want him to be able to enjoy every minute of it without the stress and burden you went through at his age. Let him know that you welcome his girlfriend but that these things need to work both ways and he must respect your opinions and rules as well, even if he doesn't agree with them.

And that's the best I can do! If he's the boy that he sounds like he will be reasonable with you and hopefully you can reach a mutually satisfactory solution! Good luck!

 

[wellingtoncats]

Ok I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 15. I think it's great he feels comfortable enough to bring his girlfriend enough. My boyfriend was so scared of meeting my Mum that he wanted to jump out my two storey window instead of just coming out to the lounge and meeting her. In the end he did come out her and found out she wasn't the scary witch and to his suprise didn't even ask what we were doing in bed. Hmm I really have no advice..lol! but my Mum got pregnant at 15 too and it's a mistake I DON'T plan to make!

 

[ginger's mum]

My mum always had an open door rule and would pop in/walk past occasionally.
By the time we reached 18 we all had a live-in boyfriend/girlfriend but my Mum was quite clear about the responsibilities of parenthood and what she would and wouldn't support that we all had our first kid about 24/25yrs old.
Being a solo mum she said she would rather have us in the house where she could make sure we were being sexually responsible rather than having to sneak off places.
My sister got married at 18 after 3 years with her fella.
Go with your heart, be honest with your son and tell him that you trust him to do the right thing but be very clear what the consiquences are of the hardships of being a young parent.

 

[neonsohc]

i know this may not apply to your situation but i know this kept me out of those situations a lot.

my dad always instilled a sense of fear in me as i was child. i knew not to have sex without any protection for fear of the consequences i would recieve from him. this also went anythign else as well like breaking laws. he talked to me about it when i was about 12 and always told me if i got a girl pregnant he would not help me, it would be my problem. so that fear of that was always there. but deep down at this time in my life i know he would have helped me out. but that early age i was afraid so i never did anything.

i didnt totally listen to him about everything but when i did do it my first time when i was 15 i used protection. so i was prepared and knew the situation.

so maybe you should try instilling fear into him in case this happens again.

 

[catlover7731]

But I would not let my 15 yr old son have a girlfriend until he is 16. He is all ready into girls, but I don't think he is mature enough to have a girlfriend, and I will apply the same rules to my daughter. There is so much sex out there, and letting your kids sit in the bedroom at 14 with the door open? At what age can they close the door? For me I think Teens need to understand that life isn't about sex, and how to control some hormones is important. If a teen can have sex at 14, By the time they are 20 it is boring. I know each parent does the best they can, and I do applaud you for being concerned, but I wouldn't let my son have a girlfriend until 16 and that is just me. Cheryl

 

[loveysmummy]

Originally Posted by catlover7731

But I would not let my 15 yr old son have a girlfriend until he is 16. He is all ready into girls, but I don't think he is mature enough to have a girlfriend, and I will apply the same rules to my daughter. There is so much sex out there, and letting your kids sit in the bedroom at 14 with the door open? At what age can they close the door? For me I think Teens need to understand that life isn't about sex, and how to control some hormones is important. If a teen can have sex at 14, By the time they are 20 it is boring. I know each parent does the best they can, and I do applaud you for being concerned, but I wouldn't let my son have a girlfriend until 16 and that is just me. Cheryl

Sorry and no offence, but I couldn't resist grinning at this sentence...
I know of no 20 year old boy (or 40 year old boy for that matter) who had sex at any age that finds sex "boring"

The sex industry is booming as it is...

To the OP: I think your son sounds very well balanced and awfully sweet (the part about him staying by your side and not eating made me "awwwww".)

I think the most important thing here is to keep sexuality out in the open and talk frankly with our kids from the time they come out of the womb so they feel comfortable coming to us and asking us questions...My daughter asks me questions about things I NEVER would have asked my mother...She has a definite plan for upcoming situations and is very confident about her decisions. This makes for a proud mom

 

[lionessrampant]

While it is good to protect him, let him know that he can talk to you about absolutely ANYTHING having to do with sex, with your confidence, WITHOUT getting in serious trouble.

I, too, was one of those 'good kids'. I didn't end up getting pregnant and 15 thankfully (I chose not to become sexually active *quite* that early) and I don't have any diseases or anything. But, my parents were TOO overprotective and made themselves completely inaccessible as far as discussing sex or my choices regarding sex. I think by cutting off the parental lifeline by making this kid fear your reaction to sex, you are actually putting him in more danger. I am 20, almost engaged, fiscally independent with all but my remaining tuition, and yet, if anything comes up or I have any questions before my wedding night, I can't talk to my parents about it and that feels terrible to me.

 

[beckiboo]

Originally Posted by catlover7731

But I would not let my 15 yr old son have a girlfriend until he is 16. He is all ready into girls, but I don't think he is mature enough to have a girlfriend, and I will apply the same rules to my daughter. There is so much sex out there, and letting your kids sit in the bedroom at 14 with the door open? At what age can they close the door? For me I think Teens need to understand that life isn't about sex, and how to control some hormones is important. If a teen can have sex at 14, By the time they are 20 it is boring. I know each parent does the best they can, and I do applaud you for being concerned, but I wouldn't let my son have a girlfriend until 16 and that is just me. Cheryl

I consider myself pretty old fashioned, too. I never limited when they could have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but do limit the activities. So a 14 y/o with a girlfriend can have her over, or do group activities, but I'm not giving them $100 and driving them all over for a solo date. My oldest dd has had various boyfriends since she was little. But there was no dating involved until she was an older teenager!

Of course no one wants their 14 y/o having sex. Although I disagree it will be boring by 20, it is likely they will have picked up a nasty disease!

My belief is kids don't have much control over their hormones, and even a very good kid can be convinced to do something wrong. So we try to prevent them making that mistake by talking to them, and setting rules that help them succeed!

 

[katspixiedust]

I believe that if there are too many restrictions, sex will turn into a BIGGER deal than if things are handled at a reasonable level with reasonable rules and with parents that are willing to listen. It sounds to me that you are doing a good job so far. When I was growing up I knew that I could talk about anything with my parents. When I had my first "real" boyfriend (not like the ones in middle school where you hold hands at school, hug, and then are too embarrassed to even talk to each other) I knew what the rules were. If he came over we could be in my room with the door open and the same rule applied at his house. I grew up with so much respect for my parents and their wishes (thanks to their ways of handling tough situations like this one, and their ability to explain their reasons) that I honestly RARELY got into any trouble of any kind from the time I first entered school until I graduated, and the reason was because I simply couldn't bear to disappoint them. It sounds to me like your son has some of those same feelings I did. From what I've seen as a teen and watching many of my peers, too many restrictions in regards to boyfriends/girlfriends leads to more riskier actions. Their parents won't let them have a boyfriend/girlfriend until they're 16, so when they like someone and don't feel it's fair to wait they hide it and sneak off to be together at the park or wherever. If their parents wouldn't let them sit within a few feet of each other when the other comes to visit they find time when they say they're out doing something else later at night. These are just a couple of the situations that girls I know who had kids at young ages came from. Point being, having open lines of communication and an understanding ear is the best way to go, and I think you've got a great handle on that. Keep up the good work.

You should be proud that your son cares so much about your opinions!

 

[cyberkitten]

My nephew who is now 21 brought his gf to vsiit when he was 16 and they spent time in his bedroom - he is a wonderful kid, bright, mature, GPA could be better but I am v. picky, has a great summer job and already offered a job at MIT when he graduates. Mostly, they were on the computer, making videos and I have to trust him. I gave him the whole sex ed talk and it was yeah, yeah, I know all that but I also told him I trusted him and expected him to behave. He has brought girls to vsiit a couple times (as in sleeping here) and of course they slept in seperate rooms but I refuse to be a hippocrite. My parents were respectful of my privacy and needs as a teen and so I feel that works well with my nephew. He is now in his last yr of college and I think that trust has worked well.

I did check up on them periodly and I could hear alot. At 14, he brought a male friend with him and that was worse - they were outside with a cap gun and a neighbour called the police bec of the noise - she has a substance abuse prob and thought she heard a gun. It was but just a toy cap gun, sigh! (The police were great about it tho)

I was always happier to see him with a girl, lol