Girlfriend's cat has picked me

[bryclist1]

Hi Everyone,

I have a pretty serious problem as far as my girlfriend's cat goes, but I'll begin with the longer story so you can understand how things have unfolded and how I've found myself in this predicament. I moved in with my gf back in May and Tanis (the cat) hated me. I was the worst person in the world to him. We had numerous fights in our first six months together and they got violent. Tanis would go ballistic and attack me, often times leading to me having to disable him or hit him to get him off of me. He would come after me and I honestly probably should've gotten stitches. In retrospect I may've overreacted, but I was aiming to disable the problem in the moment more than preserve or build a relationship. I have the scars from our battles to show how absolutely viscous he was. He bit me, scratched me, and absolutely hated me. He was also afraid of me. If I picked him up, pet him, or did anything he would either pee all over me or poo himself. I mean it was bad. Just imagine the most fearful and aggressive cat all combined into one and that's the relationship me and the orange guy had. Strangely, he always behaved, and still does, for me when I bathe him. He only pooped in the tub once or twice in the early goings and he was never too afraid of me. So I tried everything. I posted in numerous forums searching for answers to get the cat to just accept me. He would also hide from me and he was very scarce for a while too.

So I tried everything, hitting him, feeding him, leaving him alone, and I neared the end of my rope and I thought it was over for me and the cat as well as me and my girlfriend, but then I got so angry that I told her that we needed to keep him in a crate whenever I was at home. Now, I'm mean and I'm strict, but after the 2nd day of him being in the crate for the entire day I was home, I started feeling so bad about it. So I'd open the door, he wouldn't come out, but I'd at least open the door for him. So we did the crate thing for a while, but it became his timeout crate. So whenever he hissed, swatted, growled, or did anything that I considered aggressive, he would go into the crate for up to an hour depending on the severity of the action. And I worked timeout for a long long time. It must've been 2 months or so where he was consistently in timeout for his offenses. Now, I stuck to timeout. I didn't spray him with water bottles, didn't hit him, didn't yell, didn't do anything that could be perceived as threatening throughout this process. I was just diligent about it. I don't know what changed in me or what have you, but I knew that I had tried all of those other things per the advice of forms and "cat people" but I knew that those things would not and did not work. So I stuck to timeout and I punished everything, 100%. He was in the crate immediately for whatever he did and it was for no less than 10 minutes. If I had to chase him down for him running away to hide, if I had to dig him out of corners, and if I had to climb on top of the cabinets, I put him in timeout for everything. I did not let anything slide and my girlfriend respected the process even though I know it annoyed her to see it happening all of the time. 

After about 2-3 months of it, he had gotten to the point where he started improving with his behavior. He wasn't perfect, but there was less growling, hiding, and physical aggression completely disappeared, so I rewarded that. I mistakenly bought what turned out to be his favorite wet food. It was a mistake because my gf had gotten him a different kind and I opened it up, got grossed out, but figured it was cat food and I'd see how he liked it. He loved it so much, still does, and it's funny to see him. Even still, he wouldn't let me approach him while he was eating nor would he eat in front of me if I left it out for him to get. Back in November we started kind of getting along. I'm not saying he liked me, but he knew I was a permanent fixture and I don't like to anthropomorphize animals, but I want to give credit where I think it's due. I think we both realized that we had to at the very least get along or the future would be pretty terrible. All I wanted was for us to tolerate each other. I wasn't a cat person until the cat chose me and I mean that. I found cats weird and couldn't and did not understand cats until I went through my changes with Tanis. Fast forward to now and I'm pretty much the only one who feeds him, but he likes it that way. I give him his inhaler (he has asthma), bathe him, change his water, fill up his food bowl, brush him, and basically anything but change his kitty litter and it's clear that I have become his person. He stays up late with me, he's even on the couch with me now. He gets excited when I come home and even if my gf feeds him, he has no loyalty to her. He won't go to bed until he knows I'm about to go to bed and he won't leave the bed until I leave the bed. He harasses me when I play video games, watch TV, work, and use the bathroom. I say harass in the colloquial sense here. He even scratches me whenever he doesn't get attention -- in a playful restrained way, nothing I'd punish him for. He lets me pet him, really, he wants me to pet him. By all intents and purposes, I am his person. He has chosen me. I can pick him up and we play a game of chase where I can toss him 2-3 feet onto the couch and run into the bedroom and he'll chase me down. I can rub his stomach, and even when he has the instinctual bunny kick, he fights clawing me as hard as he possibly can. When he does something bad and I snap my fingers or push him off the table, he just respects it and comes right back up to me. He has 0 fear and knows that if anyone messes with him, they're gonna have to answer to me and I mean it. He's my orange dude.

But therein lies the problem, he was my girlfriend's cat. When we first started dating I told her that he would be mine just because his personality mirrors mine and I thought it would take time, but I never thought it would be such a violent and toxic relationship at first. We got through that and we love and respect each other. I can get him out of all of his hidey holes, it's rare that he goes in them, but there no issues with that. I'm super gentle, but still firm with discipline. He doesn't growl, hiss, or scratch and he hasn't been in timeout since December. He does hiss at me occasionally when he walks under my feet, but that's more of a "hey buddy, don't you see me here" hiss than aggression. He doesn't move or run or anything. He just expects me not to trip over him. The problem is that my girlfriend is unhappy that the cat has clearly chosen me and I'm not too keen on having two cats because we live in an apartment and kitty litter smells awful with two cats if not changed regularly. That was one of my nonnegotiables when I moved in, to not change the kitty litter ever nor could the kitty litter go too long without being changed. We had two cats, but one ran away, and we were both content with one cat until the cat chose the correct side (me!). When we had two cats, the kitty litter did go too long without being changed, and I'm super reluctant to cave-in on this one, but I feel like I should. I know that the orange guy is firmly in my corner and even though I've offered to be more hands off, my gf doesn't want me to be just because of our relationship in the pass. Basically, solving me and the cat's original problem caused another issue because Tanis doesn't cuddle with her, spend time with her, and I have to basically put him to sleep through pets before he will sit with her and hangout with her. I can tell that it is getting to her a bit because she no longer has the cool kitty and I need some advice. What should I do?

TLDR: Bad relationship with gf's cat a first, now I'm his person. Girlfriend is grumpy because of this, what should I do?

 

[lycimnia]

Damn I cringed a lot during the parts about you hiting him. Anyways, I have a similar problem as I was the one who wanted the cat and now he is obssesed with my boyfriend. He always comes lie on his chest purring every morning, to me he just gives a headbutt and goes straight to him.
What helped me was being the one who feeds him, playing with him a lot with the featherstick and being alone in the house with him more often. I am happy if my boyfriend goes out with his friends because then I get the cat all to myself ). And sometimes I bribe him with treats

 

[savingkali]

Tuna, roast chicken, go find something this can't can't resist. When your putting him time out I can imagine your size compared to a cat would be very menacing when your chasing him down. I know it might seem silly but is there a perfume or deodorant your gf wears or could she maybe wear one of your shirts to mix her scent with yours. He probably perceives you as a predator. Cats are scared of change so you kinda force yourself on him by patting him when he didn't want it or even prolonged eye contact can be threatening. Maybe when you do the time out can you sit in the room with him in a non threatening manner, slouched, half lidded eyes, slow blink and no direct or prolonged eye contact you can change the way he sees you. Speak softly so him. Encourage play time. See if your girlfriend can be patting him and he'll allow you too.

 

[bryclist1]

Oh no, there are no more problems. I don't have any issues with the cat, he's mine and I am his. The problem is that he's no longer my gf's cat. I was always extra gentle when putting him in timeout. I think that's why it worked so well. Psychologically, I think we established the fact that I had no desire to hurt him, I just reacted to being attacked -- just a natural tendency. I wanted timeout to be a punishment, but a safe place for him. No harm, no ill intent, and no lingering resentment. I really tried to make sure that each issue was treated as it's own and things did not compound. He's a cat, not a criminal -- so one timeout did not influence the time necessary for the next one. The hitting was simply just to make it so he stopped attacking me. I didn't go above and beyond that. Just so I knew it wouldn't continue because it's hard to know what to do in those situations except stop the pain from happening. 

 

[bryclist1]

its*

 

[savingkali]

I'm glad to read that. I can tell you I understand the pain of the scratches. I've recently brought in a kitten and my 3 year old cat isn't impressed so at the start there was a lot of scratching and biting. People have even asked or made comments about me being a cutter. And it's like no, I just have 2 cats... hahaha thankfully never had to have stitched. But I'm glad you two are good terms.
in reference to your girlfriend, I have the same problem. Our older cat Kali was been with us since she was 10 days old. I bottle fed her every two hours, helped her pee and poo. Every thing. But now she loooooves my boyfriend more than me. That's why we got a kitten. So I could have a cuddle buddy haha

 

[raina21]

We have 3 cats, One that is 3 years old, One that is one year old and one that is a kitten. So our 3 year old cat has had to endure being introduced to 2 kittens haha.


Also, cat litter isn't that bad if you buy the right stuff. I personally use the fresh step odor control crystal litter mixed with fresh step clumping clay litter. The crystal litter is great at controling odors but it doesnt clump so its not too great for multi-cat litterboxes except for odor control. Thats why I add in some clumping litter (which is also odor controling by the way) so the pee clumps up intead of pooling at the bottom of the box. I usually put the clumping litter in the bottom with a layer of the crystals on top.

We have 3 cats and our guests can never smell the litterbox. Its like we don't even have one. That crystal litter works wonders with odor control. Our litterbox is out in the open too and guests have always been surprised because they can't smell it. We do change it quite often though.

Also, depending on how old your cat is and how territorial he is/ his attitude towards other cats, it might not be such a good idea to introduce a new cat into his territory. As sometimes it can be too stressful for older cats (9-10 years old and older).

But if you think he could handle another cat/kitten in his house then I think you should get another cat. It could also lessen his "harassment" toward you when he wants attention because he'll have someone to play with.

However, introductions can take a long time, months even. And you may have some agression problems in the beginning unless you isolate the new cat into a specific room for a while (this means the new cat would ned its own food and water bowls and its own litterbox). Typically, you can let the new cat out with constant supervision to make sure your current cat doesnt bully the new one too much. But they shouldn't be left alone together until your old cat starts to accept your new one-which could take time.

If you do decide to get another cat, try something called scent swapping (take a blanket or something that your cat loves to lay on or a toy he likes to play with and give it to the other cat. And take the new cat's bed or toy and give it to your old cat so he can smell it. He will probably hiss and growl at the new cat/the new cats smell for a while. But after some time they should get used to each other.