I feel so ashamed of myself and stupid for what I have done.
I loved my beautiful kitty. She was 20 years old and had kidney failure and I had been giving her subcu fluids every day for 4 years, as well as dealing with brief but acute medical episodes once a year or so. As you can imagine, this meant I was tied to the house a bit, but I didn't mind because I loved caring for her. She was quite needy for belly rubs and general affection. Since I work at home, she became very dependent on me. When I went on a 2-week trip last year I had a cat sitter come daily to give fluids, but with just a half hour of attention, she was very disturbed when I got home. She needed my affection.
And I needed to be free to leave this place for a longer time. She was not well enough to have the shots to travel or stay in a kennel. I couldn't find anyone to take care of her in their home for 2 months this year, and it's my greatest regret I didn't try a lot harder to find someone. Life has been demanding for me, but I wish I had let other things slide and put a higher priority on finding her care. I wasn't absolutely and utterly determined because I didn't think it was really possible. I didn't want to leave her with someone who wasn't absolutely loving. Then afterwards I found someone almost by accident. Ouch.
As various people told me, she lived 4 years longer than nature would have allotted, due to my care, and she was spoiled rotten and had a good life, but I deserved to have a life beyond that as well. I loved caring for her, but I needed other things. She had some arthritis, gut pain, tooth problems and whatever pain's associated with kidney failure, but she was doing nicely due to my attentive servitude. Without it she was miserable. I wanted to do good for her and also for me, but I just feel like a bad person now and I hate myself and I find life hard to face. That is, I get necessary things done, but I take no joy in anything. I miss her and I feel ashamed that I felt I had to let her go, end her life.
I've read some posts but I don't feel I have anything to offer so I have not posted. I don't believe in afterlife, so that sort of talk does not comfort me, but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts other than that.
Thank you for reading this.:bawling
I loved my beautiful kitty. She was 20 years old and had kidney failure and I had been giving her subcu fluids every day for 4 years, as well as dealing with brief but acute medical episodes once a year or so. As you can imagine, this meant I was tied to the house a bit, but I didn't mind because I loved caring for her. She was quite needy for belly rubs and general affection. Since I work at home, she became very dependent on me. When I went on a 2-week trip last year I had a cat sitter come daily to give fluids, but with just a half hour of attention, she was very disturbed when I got home. She needed my affection.
And I needed to be free to leave this place for a longer time. She was not well enough to have the shots to travel or stay in a kennel. I couldn't find anyone to take care of her in their home for 2 months this year, and it's my greatest regret I didn't try a lot harder to find someone. Life has been demanding for me, but I wish I had let other things slide and put a higher priority on finding her care. I wasn't absolutely and utterly determined because I didn't think it was really possible. I didn't want to leave her with someone who wasn't absolutely loving. Then afterwards I found someone almost by accident. Ouch.
As various people told me, she lived 4 years longer than nature would have allotted, due to my care, and she was spoiled rotten and had a good life, but I deserved to have a life beyond that as well. I loved caring for her, but I needed other things. She had some arthritis, gut pain, tooth problems and whatever pain's associated with kidney failure, but she was doing nicely due to my attentive servitude. Without it she was miserable. I wanted to do good for her and also for me, but I just feel like a bad person now and I hate myself and I find life hard to face. That is, I get necessary things done, but I take no joy in anything. I miss her and I feel ashamed that I felt I had to let her go, end her life.
I've read some posts but I don't feel I have anything to offer so I have not posted. I don't believe in afterlife, so that sort of talk does not comfort me, but I would appreciate anyone's thoughts other than that.
Thank you for reading this.:bawling