Okay so, I'm utterly amazed at the fact that I'm posting something so personal like this right now, but I have no where else to turn, it seems. I'm afraid to talk to my parents about it, and I need a new perspective on things rather than the predictable advice I receive from old friends.
I've been making a lot of life changes lately and I still have many more to go, that much is a given, since I'm only 19.
The fact is, I just came back from a church trip (in my religion we keep the Feast of Tabernacles), and I feel kind of... well, lost, really.
I'm not doing my best in college right now. I've missed a lot due to illness and now church, and my grades and focus have reflected that. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm unhappy with my classes, but they were required to graduate. I think things will be better when I get to choose what *I* want to take and am more interested.
But I can't help but feeling lost, still.
I love living here at home with my parents. They're very supportive and it's great to have a big family once again. Part of me feels like I could never make it on my own, but sometimes I feel so guilty for letting my parents take care of me, especially now that I'm not the best student. I had planned on getting a job after my church trip, but now I'm swamped with school work and I have another trip coming up soon, so it's kind of out of the question.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd had it all figured out. Now the only thing I'm sure of is that I want to be married in my twenties, and I want to be a housewife (no offense to any women's rights people on here, we all have our own desires and this is mine, and more power to you). I love learning and going to school, and I know that I HAVE to do it to stay on insurance with my family.
Like I said, I don't feel like I could survive on my own. I'm terrified at what the future holds. Just thinking about it right now gives me goosebumps and makes me feel hopeless and sad. And I know some of you are probably thinking that I'm just a weak person, and maybe I am.
All I know is, I can't be alone. Due to a lot in my past, me and my mom are practically joined at the hip. Sometimes I think I should try new things, like live with my uncle and grandma in a different state and try school there, or a job or something. But then I think about my mom and how much I would miss her.... she's my best friend, and it's basically unthinkable.
I don't know how to describe the feeling in me, I can just hope that you're not bored reading this and someone, somewhere has felt exactly like this at such a big moment in life.
My biggest thought is, if I did try to make it on my own, how would I make enough to keep up my life? Such as, caring for Bella (I can't live without her), my cell phone bill, car insurance, health insurance... the list goes on and on! All of it is truly mind-boggling. And right now I hate college so much that I wish I could just stop, but besides the fact that I know it will be better when I have better classes, I'm the first one out of my family to go to college, and I feel like I can't let everyone down with that.
I know that was sooo long and probably sounds whiney, but I'm going bonkers here. Has anyone ever went through this or have any suggestions? And please don't be too hard on me... this is all I've ever known and I'm terrified.
Thank you....
I've been making a lot of life changes lately and I still have many more to go, that much is a given, since I'm only 19.
The fact is, I just came back from a church trip (in my religion we keep the Feast of Tabernacles), and I feel kind of... well, lost, really.
I'm not doing my best in college right now. I've missed a lot due to illness and now church, and my grades and focus have reflected that. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm unhappy with my classes, but they were required to graduate. I think things will be better when I get to choose what *I* want to take and am more interested.
But I can't help but feeling lost, still.
I love living here at home with my parents. They're very supportive and it's great to have a big family once again. Part of me feels like I could never make it on my own, but sometimes I feel so guilty for letting my parents take care of me, especially now that I'm not the best student. I had planned on getting a job after my church trip, but now I'm swamped with school work and I have another trip coming up soon, so it's kind of out of the question.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I thought I'd had it all figured out. Now the only thing I'm sure of is that I want to be married in my twenties, and I want to be a housewife (no offense to any women's rights people on here, we all have our own desires and this is mine, and more power to you). I love learning and going to school, and I know that I HAVE to do it to stay on insurance with my family.
Like I said, I don't feel like I could survive on my own. I'm terrified at what the future holds. Just thinking about it right now gives me goosebumps and makes me feel hopeless and sad. And I know some of you are probably thinking that I'm just a weak person, and maybe I am.
All I know is, I can't be alone. Due to a lot in my past, me and my mom are practically joined at the hip. Sometimes I think I should try new things, like live with my uncle and grandma in a different state and try school there, or a job or something. But then I think about my mom and how much I would miss her.... she's my best friend, and it's basically unthinkable.
I don't know how to describe the feeling in me, I can just hope that you're not bored reading this and someone, somewhere has felt exactly like this at such a big moment in life.
My biggest thought is, if I did try to make it on my own, how would I make enough to keep up my life? Such as, caring for Bella (I can't live without her), my cell phone bill, car insurance, health insurance... the list goes on and on! All of it is truly mind-boggling. And right now I hate college so much that I wish I could just stop, but besides the fact that I know it will be better when I have better classes, I'm the first one out of my family to go to college, and I feel like I can't let everyone down with that.
I know that was sooo long and probably sounds whiney, but I'm going bonkers here. Has anyone ever went through this or have any suggestions? And please don't be too hard on me... this is all I've ever known and I'm terrified.
Thank you....