Finding closure after mistakes

[oyster]

Some of you may be familiar with Oyster's story so I will try to make this brief...

He was 17 years old and had lived with us for the past 16 years. He had adopted me after having appeared mysteriously in our backyard. I look back at that experience and really believe that he was an angel sent to help me through life's most difficult transitions and to give me unconditional love. Six months after his arrival, we adopted a cat from a local shelter. They were best of friends and brothers till Biscuit died of a tumor in 2020. I know grief. I mourned him. But it feels nothing like the pain I am in now. Why is it so different?
Oyster was our first cat after our marriage. He was my baby and I spent all my free time with him and later, all my time with him. I knew every quirk, every sound, every call he made and what he was saying. He knew my language. When my first child was born, he welcomed her with curiosity and love. I experienced the death of my favorite person in the world--my grandmother, and Oyster and Biscuit sat patiently with me as I cried and processed the grief. I went through a life-altering move and they came along.
Then, when he was diagnosed with CKD, I did all the things I could after reading and researching for hours on Tanya's CKD web site as well as vet journals. In March, he suffered an acute kidney injury and I went to three vets who told me to euthanize him. Finally, I found an expensive hospital an hour away and took him there where they stabilized him and I brought him home. Just a few days later, he suffered a relapse and was readmitted. He suffered a relapse because the vet there refused to prescribe him antibiotics for a longer treatment and withdrew subcutaneous fluid support from him claiming he didn't need it anymore. After he was readmitted, they administered 400 ml subcutaneous fluid within 24 hours into him thinking to discharge him. This resulted in pleural effusion and I made the choice to put him to sleep on Easter Sunday. In all other aspects, his creatinine levels were improving, his blood levels (HCT) was slowly improving but he could no longer breathe properly. We had already spent 10K on his treatment in 2 weeks. I knew even money wouldn't fix the breathing, if I had any. I knew I could no longer subject him to any more treatment. I knew that the end would have come but I hadn't imagined such a horrible ending in a hospital he and I both came to hate and that is why I don't think I can find closure.
My grief is compounded by the fact that my spouse refuses to discuss the loss of Oyster and grieves silently and alone for him. I want to talk about him and share our happier memories of him but he doesn't. The children have processed the loss much more quickly and have moved on....as they should. I have been left behind though.
It has been two weeks since his death, and I have a responsibility to the ones who are living but I can't seem to function, get over the guilt, and escape the pain. My thoughts are drowning me. I understand this is the natural grieving process.
Meanwhile, I sent the hospital a letter detailing the failures in his treatment in factual, polite language. I got a response via a phone call from the head of the hospital calling me a crazy person for daring to send a letter of complaint. He ranted for a full 5 minutes and didn't allow me to speak at all. Then, he hung up on me.
Yes, life is unfair. I have dealt with losing a pet before. But it has never seemed so painful as now especially as the loss was made due to human error.

 

[Alldara]

First, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss and second that you are not alone in this grief. You did the right thing by posting here. Also Oyster is a beautiful cat.

It's so compassionate to talk about how each of your family members grieve differently. It's hard when that happens, but we have to reach out to other supports. You are doing that now and we are happy to hear about your memories.

When I lost Lily in 2020 it was similar. She had an issue, I had to fight with my then vet to get her proper care. Eventually, she was suffering too much to keep fighting them. So I called another vets office, the only one in the city who would let me be there with her during closures, and had her PTS.

Because that creates a very traumatic experience, it heightens your feelings about the situation. For myself, I had to acknowledge that it created some medical trauma regarding my cats. (I've now switched vets to the clinic where Lily was PTS) I had to ask the vet clinic that we go to now regularly to make note of this. I also spoke to a short term therapist at a sliding scale clinic.

It took me a long time to move through my grief about Lily. I had to be patient with myself. I had to tell people that I was grieving still and that I was grieving differently then they were. I had to get help for myself. You may have to try a few things to find what you need.

 

[Kflowers]

I ache for your loss.

People must process grief in their own way. Your SO can't do it your way. There is a good chance your spouse can't talk about the good times, or even the bad ones. Sometimes, for some people the grief hurts so much that you are beyond words. You can't look at photographs without shivers of pain. There is no joy, no hope. There is only nothing. Speaking at all on any subject is difficult. All you feel is that if you try to speak about the lost one you will scream and scream until you die. Please, give your partner time to grieve as they must. They can't override the pain to do more than they are. This may not be a matter of weeks, but perhaps longer. Please be as respectful of your spouse's pain as you expect your partner to be for your own.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello--

Meanwhile, I sent the hospital a letter detailing the failures in his treatment in factual, polite language. I got a response via a phone call from the head of the hospital calling me a crazy person for daring to send a letter of complaint. He ranted for a full 5 minutes and didn't allow me to speak at all. Then, he hung up on me.

Do you have a copy of that letter? Hang on to it just in case--you might consider reporting them to the Better Business Bureau.

We had an awful situation occur as well, and partly because it gave me something concrete to do and partly because I had to honor my cat and his life, putting in a complaint was what I did.

Additionallly there are several things in this that might help you including a group that you could talk to, and there might possibly be something that also helps your husband;

Thoughts For Grieving Cat Lovers

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Oyster, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I am so, so very sorry. I can tell with every word how deeply this sweet soul impacted your life. Please, please know this...Oyster is now in That Place Where All Things Are Known, and he knows how hard you fought for him. You fought with everything you had for him. And he knows what you now need to hear...that you could not know what you did not know. And from That Place, he sends his love, now translated and purified into Love, back to you, to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[di and bob]

In a lifetime, there comes a little soul that connects directly to your soul. Your soul mate. Obviously Oyster was that to you because you are grieving so differently......
You stated you went to another vet because they withdrew SubQ treatment. Then when the next vet gave him the SubQ it killed him. There were mistakes made, but i believe they really did what they thought was best for a 17-year-old cat who was in such difficulty. sometimes no matter what we do the end result is the same. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. One thing I do know though is you truly tried and are grieving so much because of the guilt and sorrow because you feel you failed somehow. You did not fail, you were with him to the end, and taht is what matters. Guilt ALWAYS accompanies grief, No matter how peaceful the end we still carry guilt, and when the end is hard, we carry even more. The love we have is special to that person, each and every human loves in a different way, as unique as a snowflake. No one else in the world loves that boy the way you do.
This kind of grief, the death of a soulmate, hits so hard it can literally take your breath away. Every one of us grieves differently, men are more prone to tuck it deep inside and not want to talk about it, but in the end, it disrupts our lives and makes everyday life very difficult to navigate. Impossible with some. As we go forward, we learn ways to handle our grief, but it is a long, painful process. One that can't be hurried, can't be dismissed. You will never get over the grief, but you learn to manage it.
Time is the only thing that helps us to cope. Go forward into the future as you would want for Oyster to go forward if you were the first to go. He wants no less because he loves you just as much. Not in perpetual sorrow, but with hope and allowing more love into your heart to reside right next to his, allowing it to grow even stronger, even more special. Because that is what he taught you, his gift to you, how to love.
Love is spiritual, so eternal. His love is always in your soul, his new path will forever parallel your own. He is always as close as your thoughts and prayers.
Do not dwell on his end. It brings nothing but sorrow and is such a small part in his life with you. Remember him with joy, with gratitude for sharing your life's journey for a while, and take one day at a time, living in the present. Giving your poor heart a chance to heal. "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened"..........RIP precious Oyster. You will always be held dear, you will never be forgotten. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[oyster]

Thank you for your kind wishes, blessings, encouragement and hope. I had already read all the Thoughts for Grieving Cat Lovers before I posted. They are inspirational words. I hope to write with as much clarity, hope and humor about love and loss....someday. I also found Dr. Hoggan's TED Talks on youtube to be very soothing. She is an emergency vet so she has seen her share of euthanasia.
Just to be clear, I am not forcing anyone to grieve like me. I just want to grieve together with someone I share my life with and with someone who considered Oyster to be as important to our family, as I did. I respect my spouse's wishes but I don't agree with that way.
Grief is a very lonely process to begin with, and not having a support system of any sort can get you down a cycle I don't wish to be drawn into.
So the internet, specifically this forum and CKD group has been my support system.
Oyster is my soulmate. You are so right, di and bob. And yes, I do feel that I failed him even though I fought so hard for his life.
As I drove Oyster's body home, I knew he had flown to heaven because the hymn, "Abide with me" started playing on my car's music system. Since then, those words have given me great pain and great comfort.
At the same moment, death separated him from me but also gave me hope for a reunification. Now I just to have accept and believe in the latter half of that statement.

 

[di and bob]

Dont ever feel alone, we are here, we understand. You did not fail, you made that boy so very happy for so many years. Bless you....

 

[Furballsmom]

This group might also help you and/or your husband.

Print some of the threads from the Grieving list for him. No pressure, just offer.

Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement – Free pet loss & grief support