Fiance vs. Cat

[jennyr]

All right, everyone, I think we have made our points. The OP is trying to make things work, and is able to communicate on a good level with his fiancee. So let us hope for some positive change. Bojangles, I hope you understand that as cat lovers our members here are always horrified when we hear of domestic problems involving cats, and are very direct in hteir comments towards those they feel are responsible for any stress or hurt to any animal. The only thing I would add is that in your conversation with your fiancee it would seem that 99% of the action to be taken is on the part of the cat - the only thing your fiancee has to do is not spray her - and as we have said, that does not work anyway. So I am concerned that her basic attitude is not changing in any way and she does not intend to try to change. Your son and your cat are defenceless and powerless and as such are potential victims. In a household such as yours I would revolve all activity around their needs, not make them accommodate to other people. You must be very strong to protect their interests. Good luck.

 

[gibbly]

I live by one simple rule: love me? love my cats

my cats and I are a package deal, if someone does not like my cats, then I will gladly show them the door.

my cats come first, a big problem my own wife (ex wife) had an issue with as well, I told her if she did not like my cats, then she should not have married me, and she was welcome to walk out the door any time she wanted.

the abuse would be a BIG no-no with me, I would have ditched the girl the first day I saw her abusing my cat.

she claimed the cat was trying to bite her ankles, have you witnessed this? if not then you have to assume she is lying, which is she is THAT abusive, then she is probably a manipulative liar as well, not a good person to have around your kid, because once(if) she gets her way with the cat, then what's next. trying to get rid of your son?

she seems like the kind of woman who is an insanely jealous, and that, my friend is not something you want to get tangled up with.

 

[tjcarst]

I wonder why the cat is biting her ankles?  This should tell you the cat does not like your fiance and most likely for good reason.  I too feel your cat is being abused.  Only cruel people abuse defenseless animals.  Your cat is 18 and should be getting royalty treatment in her old years. 

 

[p3 and the king]

Oh no!!  Sir PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT try the pennies in a can!!  That is a bad idea and it will backfire on you!  It will only frighten your cat.  A firm no or placing them on the floor while saying no, not shouting will work just fine.  Please no super loud and scary noises and no water.  If you wouldn't like it, don't do it to your cat and for goodness sake do not let this woman do it to your cat, either! 

I hope you can work it out.  It had been my experience in the past that people don't change their attitudes towards animals or kids.  And they don't become passive overnight at all.  I know it sucks to think it may not work and it may come down to it... But you need to think about your future, your sons future and your cat.  This woman doesn't seem to be a good fit for you and your life.  Sometimes the truth is painful.  Believe me, we all know.  But, please know even if it doesn't work there is someone out there that is much better for you and your life.

 

[just mike]

Any ideas on what I can do to somewhat win over my fiance?  I do want to stay in the relationship, but will not consent to my cat living in a cat carrier (she is pretty much confined to the kitchen as it is).  I will agree to the water bottle just briefly to get her off the table, but apparently this is not enough.

Sorry but I've been down that road way too many times to sway my position.  The way the fiance is treating the cat is exactly the way you will be treated in the long run.  If it were me, the fiance would have to go.  I know, sounds harsh but one can usually tell how a person really is by the way they treat other people and by the way they treat animals.  Your fiance is not someone I would want to invest my time in.  Just my

an my opinion only.

 

[speakhandsforme]

She's not going to change, it isn't going to get better, and she will always treat your cat, and your son, and YOU, this way, She is a control freak, and she will try to control everyone and everything around her.

The only way to do right by your family is to leave her. Harsh, but true.

 

[mimi3908]

wow, good grief, you are too good to be with your fiance. She sounds like an egomaniac who treats animal like dirt to make her feel more worthy. She is showing YOU who is boss by using the cat. Is she nuts that cat can't sit higher than her place in the house. What kind of rule is that? that is a insane. Cats by nature like to climb, that is in their DNA. Nothing you can do to change a million years of history that goes into making a cat what it is and she wants to dictate behavior as if the cat speaks English and understand on demand? My friend, you have a lot more problems than your fiance not liking your cat. Her issue manifest itself with the cat first then it will be another issue...  This is the second thread about partners and problems with their pet, so please protect your animal first, if you want to be abused by your fiance in the future then that is your choice, but your cat doesn't have the choice and you have to make that choice for the cat.  At least save it from potentially being abused by a controlling freak, find someone who loves cats so perhaps you can visit them from time to time, or when better circumstances arrives at your doorstep that will allow the cat to be living with you at peace.

 

[redvelvetone]

total red flag here.

She's abusive and a control freak. 

Even if you're not thinking of your cat, do you want that for your son?

Or you?

How somebody treats a defenseless animal says a lot about themselves.

I would get out of this relationship now before it's too late.

 

[otto]

I am praying for this kitty. That woman will torture the life right out of her. What a way to spend her golden years. If you are going to stay in this relationship the cat should never be left alone with this horrible person. It hurts even me to say this but if you are not going to dump the abuser, you might want to save your cat a lot of agony, and put her to sleep now. There are a lot worse things than peaceful death.

You won't be able to save your special needs son that way though. NEVER leave the boy alone with this person. EVER.

 

[sararocks]

Bojangles - Good luck with your fiancee. I hope things work out for all of your family members. My mom always told me that the best way to discipline a cat was to give her firm tap on the nose, because that is what her mother would do. For the most part, it's worked for me with all of my cats. And that is good to hear that your son is adjusting well. My brother has Aspergers, and even having to go back to school after summer vacation was a difficult transition for him. I am sure a whole new house and step-mom wasn't easy.

Do you know why she doesn't like the cat to be higher than her? I am so perplexed by this. Is she afraid that the cat will jump on her head? I am not trying to attack her, but am curious.

 

[catspaw66]

.
Do you know why she doesn't like the cat to be higher than her? I am so perplexed by this. Is she afraid that the cat will jump on her head? I am not trying to attack her, but am curious.

That is a trait of dictators, that nobody can have their head higher than them. They enjoy looking down on everyone. 

 

[otto]

Bojangles - Good luck with your fiancee. I hope things work out for all of your family members. My mom always told me that the best way to discipline a cat was to give her firm tap on the nose, because that is what her mother would do. For the most part, it's worked for me with all of my cats. And that is good to hear that your son is adjusting well. My brother has Aspergers, and even having to go back to school after summer vacation was a difficult transition for him. I am sure a whole new house and step-mom wasn't easy.

Do you know why she doesn't like the cat to be higher than her? I am so perplexed by this. Is she afraid that the cat will jump on her head? I am not trying to attack her, but am curious.

Please disregard this advice (in bold). You should NEVER strike a cat. We are not cats with soft paws. Humans have hard fingers and a "tap" on the nose will hurt. Teaching a cat to fear you because you will cause the cat pain if she is "bad" is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

No one should ever hit a cat. Cats learn much better with love and patience and redirection, not pain and fear.

And in this case....the fiance is already abusing the cat. She doesn't need any more ideas on how to inflict pain and stress all in the name of "discipline"

 

[sararocks]

Please disregard this advice (in bold). You should NEVER strike a cat. We are not cats with soft paws. Humans have hard fingers and a "tap" on the nose will hurt. Teaching a cat to fear you because you will cause the cat pain if she is "bad" is absolutely the wrong thing to do.
No one should ever hit a cat. Cats learn much better with love and patience and redirection, not pain and fear.
And in this case....the fiance is already abusing the cat. She doesn't need any more ideas on how to inflict pain and stress all in the name of "discipline"

While I appreciate your opinion, please understand, I do not strike my cats. I give them a soft tap on the nose to grab their attention. To put it in perspective, I use more force to give them a loving pat on the head than I do tapping them on the nose. They are much smaller than I am, so I know that what doesn't hurt me may hurt them. For instance, Rory jumps up on the counter, which I don't like. He's still new and learning the rules, plus he's a kitten who is exploring his world. I understand that and have patience with him. When he jumps on the counter, I go over, pick him up, tap him on the nose and say "No." I then set him on the floor and scratch behind his ears so he knows I am not upset with him, but with his behavior.

 

[otto]

Hitting a cat is wrong. There is no gradation from acceptable to non acceptable. Cats should not be hit. And the cat's nose is extremely sensitive. A tap hurts.

Lifting him off, telling him no, and putting him on something high he IS allowed on is more appropriate, equally effective, and much more humane.

 

[wolcar]

I can understand what you say about your fiance needing to control her environment.  I'm very much the same way and my friends and family think I'm very excessive about it and I would have to agree; HOWEVER, that is no excuse for her behavior.  I'm leary of folks that can't appreciate animals/pets. They don't have to love them just respect them. There is definitely something odd/wrong about a person who mistreats animals in any way.  Honestly, I feel there is something even more odd about a person who can't allow an 18 year old cat just live it's life out in peace.  Spraying an elderly cat like this or shaking pennies in a can seem incredibly ridiculous to me.  If my cats come on the counter when I don't want them to like when I'm baking I just pick them up and put them down.  My cats get the hint after a few times. I just can't believe a person would be nasty, abuse, or even bother a cat that is 18 years old.

Did you and your fiance ever talk about this type of stuff before you moved in or got engaged. I often think folks run into things thinking "oh everything will be okay...there's no reason to discuss anything. We'll work it out."  Those rose-colored glasses come off eventually and these "little" things become rather large. 

This behavior continuously shocks me!

 

[bojangles12]

Thank you for your many supportive answers.  I am struggling with a very difficult decision at this point.  I am half-moved in and won't be able to get a security deposit until I am 3 weeks moved out, and need the deposit to move into a different place.  It is a difficult spot.  This weekend was a bit of a turning point...unfortunately.  Came home Saturday to find the cat very upset and freaked out.  I tried to calm her down and gently said that no one was trying to hurt her.  My fiance took great offense to this and claimed I was accusing her of trying to hurt the cat.   We had a long discussion.  At one point she said "she's just a f....ing cat"  -- which infuriated me.  I tried my best to remain calm and see things from her point of view, and do my best active listening.  We seemed to make some strides on how each other was feeling.  My son and I left to see a show, but just as we were arriving we got a call from my fiance that the cat was drooling and staggering.

I came home right away and tried to calm her down.  My fiance was insistent that we should take her to the emergency clinic and that she would pay for it.  I was not sure that the cat's problem was more being freaked out than anything -- plus emergency vets will charge big $$ to tell you what you already know, less actually.  But we had her checked out and got a shot for anti-nausea and one for hydration, as she is not drinking her water, and was mildly dehydrated.  The next day seemed better.

Got home last night however, am talking to my fiance and the cat gives an opinionated meow.  When I wouldn't reprimand the cat for having an opinion she grew furious -- she expected me to repay her for the vet bill, and she no longer feed the cat when she gets back from work.  She did not speak to me again til this morning, and then just to tell me how grievously I hurt her feelings.  I slept very poorly, but am to the point where I am looking at all options. I am tired of feeling like I have to defend lap time, or get little digs that it is somehow not manly to have a cat.  This whole situation has blown me away, because I would not have moved in if she had not earned my trust.  My family loves her, but now I don't know what to think.Will be a very difficult discussion tonight, not to mention very difficult logistically moving out when I am half in one place and half out the other.  Wish me luck. 

 

[ldg]

I'm sorry. It's a very difficult place to be.

I don't know if you're able to take a step back and read your posts as if you were a third party looking in.... but it might be worth the try. If the progress you believed was being made earlier in the thread had actually occurred, your fiance would not be so furious as to not speak with you for not reprimanding the cat for meowing. Unfortunately, it seems your fiance is forcing you to choose between her and the cat. That's just so very, very sad.

Prayers, purrs, and vibes for you during this incredibly difficult time. I hope you'll be able to find the quiet voice in your heart that helps guide you through.... :rub:

 

[carolina]

My son and I left to see a show, but just as we were arriving we got a call from my fiance that the cat was drooling and staggering.

I came home right away and tried to calm her down.  My fiance was insistent that we should take her to the emergency clinic and that she would pay for it. 

I am so sorry for everything you wrote on your post..... But the above in particular has all kinds of red flags to me.... I am so sorry to say..... But I think, somehow, your fiancee hurt your cat Her reaction has guilt written all over

I'm sorry. It's a very difficult place to be.
I don't know if you're able to take a step back and read your posts as if you were a third party looking in.... but it might be worth the try. If the progress you believed was being made earlier in the thread had actually occurred, your fiance would not be so furious as to not speak with you for not reprimanding the cat for meowing. Unfortunately, it seems your fiance is forcing you to choose between her and the cat. That's just so very, very sad.
Prayers, purrs, and vibes for you during this incredibly difficult time. I hope you'll be able to find the quiet voice in your heart that helps guide you through.... :rub:

Good luck tonight..... For your sake, the sake of you son, your kitty and your future pets, I hope you move out sooner than later

 

[wolcar]

This is quite sad.  I hope you see the right decision right in front of you.  What people do or say when they're angry says a lot, to me.  Am I understanding that she stopped feeding the cat when she got home for work for no real reason? That's insanely cruel.  If I knew this person I'd find a way to publicly humilate her or punch her. I know that sounds nasty and I'm sorry - It just makes me very sad and angry that someone could mistreat another living thing like that especially out of some type of spite or jealousy, it seems.  Also, why would someone have a problem with a simple meow (coming from a house with cats that are not vocal)? I just don't understand. 

I do hope you get out of this situation.  I'm not sure how long you've been with this person but it sounds like she may have pulled the wool over your eyes on her 'true' character.  I hope all works out for you, your son, and your cat.  I certainly wouldn't leave her alone with the cat anymore, even if it means boarding or something.  This is just awful!

I can't express how quickly I'd be out of situation if I had just a tiny thought that someone was mistreating my cats.

 

[mrblanche]

Only real men, and people who are confident in their independence, can love cats!

I'm sorry for the upheaval you're going through, but I must say it's better to learn this now than later.  I, too, think she did something to the cat, did the classic "immediate regret" thing abusers do, and now is showing her true colors.

Poor old kitty...