Someone mentioned to me that they saw posted in a group that a cat fitting one of my ferals description was found dead presumably hit by a car a few blocks away. All they could tell was that it was a b/w neutered male. The body was outside of an elementary school and so it was removed quickly. There's no way for me to know if it was my guy or someone's owned pet.
At first I was shockingly emotionless because with ferals there always seems to be something to worry about. I'm so used to being worried for them all the time like when: they stop coming for meals, when there are bad storms, when one looks like it might have a squinty eye, when one is clearly ill and has to be trapped fast and brought into the emergency vet (but can't have eaten because it's feral and they won't handle ferals without sedation) when new cats show up and you don't know if they are owned, fixed or if they need vetting, pregnancies, dealing with people who don't understand ferals, standing out in the freezing cold praying a cat goes into a trap because if it doesn't it will miss it's spay/ neuter day and possibly be pregnant by the time you can reschedule etc. So, I was upset just like I am whenever I hear about a cat death but it didn't really sink in that it could be one of my cats. It was a stressor knowing that this happened but not more stressful than the numerous other things that happen with the ferals.
But now I'm not handling the worry so well. Physically it's taking a toll. Just the possibility of it being the cat I'm thinking of- I'm now mourning him and I don't even know if it was him and that stress is hitting me hard now. I have his sibling- the female who I wrote about not too long ago that lost her litter- and I decided to keep her even though she's totally feral because I feel like I can't have another cat outside to worry about. It's just too much right now. I'm sure she'd be back outside pretty content and it's controversial to keep her but I just couldn't bring myself to release her. So keeping her is just another thing I'm doing without knowing if it's the right thing or the wrong thing.
And that is how managing ferals has been since day one for me. Not knowing if I'm doing the right or wrong thing, not feeling like I really know how to do things but doing them anyway and desperately reading and talking to people and trying to learn- which sounds a bit relaxing but it's not when it's the middle of the night and there's some crisis you have never had experience with and there is a life on the line so you need to know things yesterday.
So now I have to remind myself of the good in all of this because I worry and I'm fatigued because the last few months have been more intense. I don't want to burn out and in reality I can't because those cats don't have a plan B as far as I know.
All of that leads me to this- working with the community cats here reminds me constantly that my abilities are better than what I felt was possible in so many ways. I'm learning that despite never feeling like I truly know what I'm doing doesn't mean I can't do it; it doesn't mean what I want to accomplish is not possible and it certainly doesn't mean that I can't handle the fear, pressure or stress. People that I never would've approached I will now approach and not even worry that I'll look or say something stupid and I have had a few times where I must've appeared like a total nut. My vet office probably has me on some list as the crazy pushy feral cat lady but I'm ok with that. I'm also much more likely to ask for help than I used to be (thanks in part to TCS).
After doing this for a few years I look back and see how much it's pushed me to become a better person. I'm better for the cats certainly but also for myself and even my family because I've had to work on aspects of myself that I was able to avoid completely or only challenge slightly for the first few decades of my life. So even without thinking of the cats that now have happy homes, or that are healthy and living well as contented ferals in a stabilizing colony- even if I look at this from a totally greedy egocentric position I can still say that it's been worth it and a deeply meaningful part of my life that I will carry with me for as long as exist.
I won't stop worrying about the feral cat until he shows up..if he shows up again but even if the worst has happened and a young healthy fully vetted animal has lost his life too early I will find the strength to be ready for the next urgent crisis and keep on keeping on. I will have to and I can. I just need to remind myself that I can.
Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it out so I'm ready for whatever comes next.
At first I was shockingly emotionless because with ferals there always seems to be something to worry about. I'm so used to being worried for them all the time like when: they stop coming for meals, when there are bad storms, when one looks like it might have a squinty eye, when one is clearly ill and has to be trapped fast and brought into the emergency vet (but can't have eaten because it's feral and they won't handle ferals without sedation) when new cats show up and you don't know if they are owned, fixed or if they need vetting, pregnancies, dealing with people who don't understand ferals, standing out in the freezing cold praying a cat goes into a trap because if it doesn't it will miss it's spay/ neuter day and possibly be pregnant by the time you can reschedule etc. So, I was upset just like I am whenever I hear about a cat death but it didn't really sink in that it could be one of my cats. It was a stressor knowing that this happened but not more stressful than the numerous other things that happen with the ferals.
But now I'm not handling the worry so well. Physically it's taking a toll. Just the possibility of it being the cat I'm thinking of- I'm now mourning him and I don't even know if it was him and that stress is hitting me hard now. I have his sibling- the female who I wrote about not too long ago that lost her litter- and I decided to keep her even though she's totally feral because I feel like I can't have another cat outside to worry about. It's just too much right now. I'm sure she'd be back outside pretty content and it's controversial to keep her but I just couldn't bring myself to release her. So keeping her is just another thing I'm doing without knowing if it's the right thing or the wrong thing.
And that is how managing ferals has been since day one for me. Not knowing if I'm doing the right or wrong thing, not feeling like I really know how to do things but doing them anyway and desperately reading and talking to people and trying to learn- which sounds a bit relaxing but it's not when it's the middle of the night and there's some crisis you have never had experience with and there is a life on the line so you need to know things yesterday.
So now I have to remind myself of the good in all of this because I worry and I'm fatigued because the last few months have been more intense. I don't want to burn out and in reality I can't because those cats don't have a plan B as far as I know.
All of that leads me to this- working with the community cats here reminds me constantly that my abilities are better than what I felt was possible in so many ways. I'm learning that despite never feeling like I truly know what I'm doing doesn't mean I can't do it; it doesn't mean what I want to accomplish is not possible and it certainly doesn't mean that I can't handle the fear, pressure or stress. People that I never would've approached I will now approach and not even worry that I'll look or say something stupid and I have had a few times where I must've appeared like a total nut. My vet office probably has me on some list as the crazy pushy feral cat lady but I'm ok with that. I'm also much more likely to ask for help than I used to be (thanks in part to TCS).
After doing this for a few years I look back and see how much it's pushed me to become a better person. I'm better for the cats certainly but also for myself and even my family because I've had to work on aspects of myself that I was able to avoid completely or only challenge slightly for the first few decades of my life. So even without thinking of the cats that now have happy homes, or that are healthy and living well as contented ferals in a stabilizing colony- even if I look at this from a totally greedy egocentric position I can still say that it's been worth it and a deeply meaningful part of my life that I will carry with me for as long as exist.
I won't stop worrying about the feral cat until he shows up..if he shows up again but even if the worst has happened and a young healthy fully vetted animal has lost his life too early I will find the strength to be ready for the next urgent crisis and keep on keeping on. I will have to and I can. I just need to remind myself that I can.
Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it out so I'm ready for whatever comes next.
but I admire your determination to keep going. I am glad you are hanging on to that. I have lost some but of the ones I have brought in 71 of them now have safe and loving homes. There is hope for every cat you help. You are their hope. Thank you for what you are doing! Please keep posting here. We can support each other as we go. I will put your thread in my watch and look for updates. Please feel free to message me anytime. We rescuers must stick together!
