ok... this is a pretty ok evening at the moment, so I'm feeling like I can talk about all of this mess. It's all been a long time coming I reckon, which is probably why I feel so low all the time now. I'm fed up of putting on the happy smiley face and pretending like evrything's fine because all I'm doing is lying to myself.
As most of you know, I've been a single mum for the last nearly 4 years - I had my son when i was 17 - and I threw out my ex-fiance because he lifted his hands to me. Since then I've been on my own. I dont' know why it gets to me so much because I have wonderful support form my mum and my brother and even my partner though at hte moment he's 700 miles away. I get crushingly lonely at the end of the day when Alex goes to bed because I don't see anyone and I'm stuck within the four walls until I go to bed myself. I crave company because I don't get it very often. I'm constantly worried about money because of the bills and the huge council tax bill *** left me with when he moved out (he was telling me he was paying it, and didn't bother, so I was left with an £800 bill). I know I'm not cut out to be a mum - and I have to get up every day and face it anyway. Every time I look at my son I can see the man who hurt me. He is so like his dad that it breaks my heart. None of this is Alex's fault, but I still feel resentment towards him. I love him with everything a mother could and I'd crawl over broken glass and hot coals for him.... but every day I get to the end thinking that I can't face another day of it. I can't do this any more. The weight on my shoulders is so heavy that I can almost feel it physically sitting there like a black shadow,. I lose my temper so easily these days - it feels like I'm constantly walking a knife-edge. If I fall one way, I get angry, if I fall the other, I cry and the bt in the middle cuts deep all the time. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm just being silly and there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need a doctor to put me on drugs to make me go loopy. I don't need a support group - which turns out to be just a bunch of people getitng together to be miserable at eachother instead of sitting at home being miserable. I always feel like I need an escape. I know I can't go on like this - but I cna't see the way out. They want me to see a therapist, but I'm terrified. I've got a lot of things in my past that I don't want to resurface. It's taken me this long to admit that I've got a problem. My brother commented today when he saaw me - that "what happened? All the sparkle has gone from your eyes". Nothing had happened. Nothing different from any other day of my life. the same old worries. The same old stress. The same everything. I really look forward to getting to Copenhagen - the time can't pass fast enough for that as far as I'm concerned. People say that being a mum will be easier when I'm with a partner - but I cna't be guarunteed that. They said it would be easier when I was with his father, but look where that got me. I've got to plan my whole life around being a single parent - it's really hard for a spontaneous personality to be caged up like this. I hate feeling confined. I hate being alone. I hate feleing this way. I hate feeling this resentment towards my own son - it makes me feel guilty. Because I know that this isn't what any mother should feel about their child. What am I doing wrong? I just can't look at him wihtout seeing the swine who left me the way he did. *** still pulls the strings whenever he can. I'm terrified that he'll track me down when I move. I can't say I don't want my son.... I just don't feel right as a mum. DOes that sounds wierd? I donl't know. I just wanted to vent something and get a little bit off my chest. I'm afraid I'll have to stop there though because the tears have stopped me seeing properly now. I'm so glad I can touch type.
As most of you know, I've been a single mum for the last nearly 4 years - I had my son when i was 17 - and I threw out my ex-fiance because he lifted his hands to me. Since then I've been on my own. I dont' know why it gets to me so much because I have wonderful support form my mum and my brother and even my partner though at hte moment he's 700 miles away. I get crushingly lonely at the end of the day when Alex goes to bed because I don't see anyone and I'm stuck within the four walls until I go to bed myself. I crave company because I don't get it very often. I'm constantly worried about money because of the bills and the huge council tax bill *** left me with when he moved out (he was telling me he was paying it, and didn't bother, so I was left with an £800 bill). I know I'm not cut out to be a mum - and I have to get up every day and face it anyway. Every time I look at my son I can see the man who hurt me. He is so like his dad that it breaks my heart. None of this is Alex's fault, but I still feel resentment towards him. I love him with everything a mother could and I'd crawl over broken glass and hot coals for him.... but every day I get to the end thinking that I can't face another day of it. I can't do this any more. The weight on my shoulders is so heavy that I can almost feel it physically sitting there like a black shadow,. I lose my temper so easily these days - it feels like I'm constantly walking a knife-edge. If I fall one way, I get angry, if I fall the other, I cry and the bt in the middle cuts deep all the time. I'm sick of people telling me that I'm just being silly and there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need a doctor to put me on drugs to make me go loopy. I don't need a support group - which turns out to be just a bunch of people getitng together to be miserable at eachother instead of sitting at home being miserable. I always feel like I need an escape. I know I can't go on like this - but I cna't see the way out. They want me to see a therapist, but I'm terrified. I've got a lot of things in my past that I don't want to resurface. It's taken me this long to admit that I've got a problem. My brother commented today when he saaw me - that "what happened? All the sparkle has gone from your eyes". Nothing had happened. Nothing different from any other day of my life. the same old worries. The same old stress. The same everything. I really look forward to getting to Copenhagen - the time can't pass fast enough for that as far as I'm concerned. People say that being a mum will be easier when I'm with a partner - but I cna't be guarunteed that. They said it would be easier when I was with his father, but look where that got me. I've got to plan my whole life around being a single parent - it's really hard for a spontaneous personality to be caged up like this. I hate feeling confined. I hate being alone. I hate feleing this way. I hate feeling this resentment towards my own son - it makes me feel guilty. Because I know that this isn't what any mother should feel about their child. What am I doing wrong? I just can't look at him wihtout seeing the swine who left me the way he did. *** still pulls the strings whenever he can. I'm terrified that he'll track me down when I move. I can't say I don't want my son.... I just don't feel right as a mum. DOes that sounds wierd? I donl't know. I just wanted to vent something and get a little bit off my chest. I'm afraid I'll have to stop there though because the tears have stopped me seeing properly now. I'm so glad I can touch type.