Hi to all TCS community members. I found this website when my cat got ill last April and it was a real treasure of information and support as we battled his illness. I am writing this post because this on Thursday we put our beloved cat to sleep, and I haven't been able to stop crying. I feel numb, broken and - like I made the biggest mistake of my life, which is now unfixable. I know many of you here have unfortunately been in these situations and through these emotions all too many times, so I thought maybe if I reach out to you, someone will be able to give me some perspective on the situation. How did you guys get through the heartache after your babies crossed the bridge? At this moment I dont even think it is possible. I feel like this will haunt me for the rest of my life.
End of April our cat stopped eating, and mid-May he was diagnosed with renal sarcoma, with multiple small tumours on both of his kidneys. A vet oncologist we saw said there was nothing they could do for us anymore since the tumours were present in both of the kidneys. So we put him on Pred, Cerenia and we syringe fed him for the next month. Everything was going well, more or less. I cannot say that he enjoyed syringe feeding, but he got used to it and until mid-June he was still enjoying most of his daily activities, was relatively active and still using the litter box. I knew he was sick, but I was hoping that maybe he would hold out as long as possible, after all, many people with stage 4 cancer sometimes live longish, pain free lives.
Then suddenly, 1.5 week ago I noticed that he didn't come down from the 2nd floor anymore and stayed upstairs for most of the day. He became more and more reclusive and restless, frequently moving to and from the different beds he had. When we would wake up in the morning, we would just find him laying in his bed, barely moving. I also found a hard bump, clearly palpable on his side, which we know now was an enlarged kidney/s.
At that point Thursday June 23 I called the vet to ask for some pain meds and I think this is where I made the first mistake. The vet suggested Tramadol or Gabapentine. We began with 10 mg Tramadol, and he had the most awful reaction. The vet said it might make him sleepy, but instead he just laid there, immobile with hugely dilated pupils, like he was completely stoned. He also began having trouble walking, wobbling, stumbling or collapsing on the floor. Friday we kept him med free and Saturday afternoon, we tried Gabapentine, around 45 mg, and the reaction was even worse. I would say he became almost paralyzed, his limbs were completely limp, he could barely get up, didn't sleep at all during the day and just looked very poorly. It was on the weekend that I began helping him go to the litter box, holding him up so he could pee and poop, if needed. It also became essentially impossible to feed him. He would hardly swallow any of his food anymore, and became excessively thirsty. He was never a big drinker, but now he would drink from his bowl every few hours or so if I held him up to it. Monday afternoon we went back on Tramadol, but now I decided to reduce the dose to 1/8 of a tablet, 2.5 g / twice a day, I figured his kidneys might not be able to metabolize the drug so well anymore, so I wanted to avoid giving him high doses. Unfortunately, his reaction didnt change: dilated pupils, staring at one spot on the wall, immobile, and breathing a little heavy. I also realized he was constipated, possibly from Tramadol, so the vet prescribed him some Lactulose, which I gave him Tuesday afternoon. During the night he moved one smallish hard piece of poop, but that was it. On Wednesday afternoon he started letting out these sad meows, which I immediately registered as a sign of pain, although now I am really doubting myself thinking it may have been the Lactulose causing him intense tummy cramps or something. But on Wednesday night, around 3 am he started meowing more and more, and at this point, I took him from the little cave we built for him, put him on the mattress that I had been sleeping on next to him the past week and tried to soothe him. I dont know what happened in my brain but when I heard those sad meows, I just knew that we cant go on any longer, and I promised him that in the morning there will be no pain.
Thursday morning I asked my husband to call the vet, thinking we could take him in for a check up, all the while knowing inside this is probably it. As we got ready for the vet, one last time I tried to feed him, but it was exceedingly difficult. At one point he tried to move away from me, walked a bit, collapsed and let our a huge yowl, which I think i will remember for the rest of my life.
So at noon, we found a carton box, that big enough for him to stretch out in, because he wouldnt lay in any other position. Before we went I asked my husband to make his paw print, because I just felt these are probably the last hours of his life..and I cut out a patch of his fur. We put his mat in the box, along with a sweater I used for covering him at night, and we drove him the clinic.
Unfortunately we were seen by a different vet than the one who was treating him previously. He said he spoke to our vet and they both advised euthanasia, since he was suffering.I dont know what happened at that moment, I just stood there bawling my eyes out and as much as I didnt want this with all of my body and mind, I just heard myself say ok. I dont even remember saying it I just heard myself saying it. So the vet took him away to put in the catheter, and brought him back already slightly sedated. Then he asked if he could administer the overdose and again, I just heard myself saying ok. Now that I replay it in my mind, I think I was in some kind of shock, it was as if I wasnt conscious anymore, like I was having an out of body experience. The vet administered the drugs and our precious friend was gone in 15 seconds, we didnt even have time to process in our brain everything that was happening. I expected that there will be at least a few minutes where we will be able to hug him, but he was just gone. I was literally in shock, I felt like I myself was now paralyzed. I stroked his lifeless body, looking into his eyes, and he was just gone, and I didnt even get a chance to kiss him while he was still alive. We took his body away to a crematorium, where they were very sweet, and as we filled out the paperwork, they put his body in a nice basket, next to some candles. He looked so peaceful. I remember just looking at him, and almost smiling, my heart was no longer aching because he wasnt in pain anymore.
For the rest of the day I was in complete shock. I was just staring at one spot on the wall, and didnt even cry. My husband was crying the whole day, but me, I just felt like a zombie. I slept a little during the night but by the morning, I feel like I woke up from some kind of trance, and went completely hysterical, thinking I made a mistake putting him to sleep. Maybe he wasnt able to walk because of the meds, not because of the cancer? Can a cancer really cause such a rapid deterioration in a cat? Maybe his meows werent from cancer pain, but form lactulose giving him a tummy ache? Maybe if we just tried another pain med, he would been fine..even if just for a few days. Why oh why didnt I hold him in my arms during the car ride. I try to tell myself it was because I was afraid it would hurt him, but nothing I say to myself works. Why didnt I hold him in my arms during his last breath? Did I make the right decision?...
... just a million questions and regrets circling my mind every second.
I couldnt sleep last night. In the morning I frantically ran down to the kitchen to check his meds, and started to calculate if we didnt overdose him on Tramadol or something. I am Googling all possible side effects and at this point I feel like I am going crazy. All in all, I am just a complete wreck..I tried, I really tried to help him, I almost didn't leave his side this past month, but I feel like I failed him in the end. Like the decision to put him to sleep was almost mindless or something. I am sure there was still something we could have done to save our precious baby. Maybe another med, another vet..something. I am so torn, and destroyed with guilt and heartache. I am also newly pregnant, and I know I shouldnt stress so much, but I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I just sit and cry, holding his photo.
I wish I could be able to to celebrate his life, remember the beautiful 12 years we spend together, but my heart is just bleeding and I am being ripped to pieces by regret.
p.s. sorry for the long post, I know not many people will read it, but it was also somewhat therapeutic writing it..
End of April our cat stopped eating, and mid-May he was diagnosed with renal sarcoma, with multiple small tumours on both of his kidneys. A vet oncologist we saw said there was nothing they could do for us anymore since the tumours were present in both of the kidneys. So we put him on Pred, Cerenia and we syringe fed him for the next month. Everything was going well, more or less. I cannot say that he enjoyed syringe feeding, but he got used to it and until mid-June he was still enjoying most of his daily activities, was relatively active and still using the litter box. I knew he was sick, but I was hoping that maybe he would hold out as long as possible, after all, many people with stage 4 cancer sometimes live longish, pain free lives.
Then suddenly, 1.5 week ago I noticed that he didn't come down from the 2nd floor anymore and stayed upstairs for most of the day. He became more and more reclusive and restless, frequently moving to and from the different beds he had. When we would wake up in the morning, we would just find him laying in his bed, barely moving. I also found a hard bump, clearly palpable on his side, which we know now was an enlarged kidney/s.
At that point Thursday June 23 I called the vet to ask for some pain meds and I think this is where I made the first mistake. The vet suggested Tramadol or Gabapentine. We began with 10 mg Tramadol, and he had the most awful reaction. The vet said it might make him sleepy, but instead he just laid there, immobile with hugely dilated pupils, like he was completely stoned. He also began having trouble walking, wobbling, stumbling or collapsing on the floor. Friday we kept him med free and Saturday afternoon, we tried Gabapentine, around 45 mg, and the reaction was even worse. I would say he became almost paralyzed, his limbs were completely limp, he could barely get up, didn't sleep at all during the day and just looked very poorly. It was on the weekend that I began helping him go to the litter box, holding him up so he could pee and poop, if needed. It also became essentially impossible to feed him. He would hardly swallow any of his food anymore, and became excessively thirsty. He was never a big drinker, but now he would drink from his bowl every few hours or so if I held him up to it. Monday afternoon we went back on Tramadol, but now I decided to reduce the dose to 1/8 of a tablet, 2.5 g / twice a day, I figured his kidneys might not be able to metabolize the drug so well anymore, so I wanted to avoid giving him high doses. Unfortunately, his reaction didnt change: dilated pupils, staring at one spot on the wall, immobile, and breathing a little heavy. I also realized he was constipated, possibly from Tramadol, so the vet prescribed him some Lactulose, which I gave him Tuesday afternoon. During the night he moved one smallish hard piece of poop, but that was it. On Wednesday afternoon he started letting out these sad meows, which I immediately registered as a sign of pain, although now I am really doubting myself thinking it may have been the Lactulose causing him intense tummy cramps or something. But on Wednesday night, around 3 am he started meowing more and more, and at this point, I took him from the little cave we built for him, put him on the mattress that I had been sleeping on next to him the past week and tried to soothe him. I dont know what happened in my brain but when I heard those sad meows, I just knew that we cant go on any longer, and I promised him that in the morning there will be no pain.
Thursday morning I asked my husband to call the vet, thinking we could take him in for a check up, all the while knowing inside this is probably it. As we got ready for the vet, one last time I tried to feed him, but it was exceedingly difficult. At one point he tried to move away from me, walked a bit, collapsed and let our a huge yowl, which I think i will remember for the rest of my life.
So at noon, we found a carton box, that big enough for him to stretch out in, because he wouldnt lay in any other position. Before we went I asked my husband to make his paw print, because I just felt these are probably the last hours of his life..and I cut out a patch of his fur. We put his mat in the box, along with a sweater I used for covering him at night, and we drove him the clinic.
Unfortunately we were seen by a different vet than the one who was treating him previously. He said he spoke to our vet and they both advised euthanasia, since he was suffering.I dont know what happened at that moment, I just stood there bawling my eyes out and as much as I didnt want this with all of my body and mind, I just heard myself say ok. I dont even remember saying it I just heard myself saying it. So the vet took him away to put in the catheter, and brought him back already slightly sedated. Then he asked if he could administer the overdose and again, I just heard myself saying ok. Now that I replay it in my mind, I think I was in some kind of shock, it was as if I wasnt conscious anymore, like I was having an out of body experience. The vet administered the drugs and our precious friend was gone in 15 seconds, we didnt even have time to process in our brain everything that was happening. I expected that there will be at least a few minutes where we will be able to hug him, but he was just gone. I was literally in shock, I felt like I myself was now paralyzed. I stroked his lifeless body, looking into his eyes, and he was just gone, and I didnt even get a chance to kiss him while he was still alive. We took his body away to a crematorium, where they were very sweet, and as we filled out the paperwork, they put his body in a nice basket, next to some candles. He looked so peaceful. I remember just looking at him, and almost smiling, my heart was no longer aching because he wasnt in pain anymore.
For the rest of the day I was in complete shock. I was just staring at one spot on the wall, and didnt even cry. My husband was crying the whole day, but me, I just felt like a zombie. I slept a little during the night but by the morning, I feel like I woke up from some kind of trance, and went completely hysterical, thinking I made a mistake putting him to sleep. Maybe he wasnt able to walk because of the meds, not because of the cancer? Can a cancer really cause such a rapid deterioration in a cat? Maybe his meows werent from cancer pain, but form lactulose giving him a tummy ache? Maybe if we just tried another pain med, he would been fine..even if just for a few days. Why oh why didnt I hold him in my arms during the car ride. I try to tell myself it was because I was afraid it would hurt him, but nothing I say to myself works. Why didnt I hold him in my arms during his last breath? Did I make the right decision?...
... just a million questions and regrets circling my mind every second.
I couldnt sleep last night. In the morning I frantically ran down to the kitchen to check his meds, and started to calculate if we didnt overdose him on Tramadol or something. I am Googling all possible side effects and at this point I feel like I am going crazy. All in all, I am just a complete wreck..I tried, I really tried to help him, I almost didn't leave his side this past month, but I feel like I failed him in the end. Like the decision to put him to sleep was almost mindless or something. I am sure there was still something we could have done to save our precious baby. Maybe another med, another vet..something. I am so torn, and destroyed with guilt and heartache. I am also newly pregnant, and I know I shouldnt stress so much, but I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I just sit and cry, holding his photo.
I wish I could be able to to celebrate his life, remember the beautiful 12 years we spend together, but my heart is just bleeding and I am being ripped to pieces by regret.
p.s. sorry for the long post, I know not many people will read it, but it was also somewhat therapeutic writing it..