El Tigre (Sorry for the length)

[cyree]

When I was four years old, my grandparents had a cat they were taking care of who had wandered on to their property one day. He lived outside and despite his being a stray, he was one of the sweetest and friendliest cats in the world. However, he often got into fights with and started beating up my grandparents cat, Shadow. One Christmas they asked if we wanted him. That day we took him home and he became our cat. 

At first, Tiger was unsure of us. He was friendly as usual, but it still felt like if he wanted to he would run away. A year later I went in for a major surgery and when I came home I had to sleep in the living room. I usually slept in a room with my sister, so I was unaccustomed to sleeping in a room without another person. The first night back home, he snuggled up to me on the couch and every night after he did the same.

It wasn't until I was twelve that he actually became more than just a family cat. I started feeding him in my room and keeping his litterbox in my closet. As a result he began spending the night in my room. Ever since then he was my cat. He followed me around, always wanted to snuggle, and I could pick him up and pet him whenever I wanted. He was my baby. Him and I were very close and eventually, when I developed some severed depression and a panic disorder aided by (at the time) undiagnosed ADHD, he became a support for me. Whenever I would panic or cry he would just come up and cuddle. Even when I was anxious, he wouldn't freak out or run away when I tried to pick him up.

Due to my parents being divorced, I only had Tiger at my mom's house. My therapist saw what he did for me and how much he helped and suggested that we get a cat for at my dad's house. At the time, the thought of a new pet was thrilling and I became consumed by it. I din't ignore Tiger, but as he got old and sick I was not the best owner for him. 

After I got Percy, my new kitten, Tiger was definitely jealous. He had gone deaf and his eyesight was failing and Percy kept harassing him whenever she was visiting. I still tried to take care of him but I was distracted. Unfortunately, the week after I brought Percy over to my mom's for the first time, Tiger disappeared. I was heartbroken. I needed him. He took care of me and through taking care of him, I was able to keep myself alive. I waited for two months, desperately hoping that he would come back.

He never did and ever since then I have just been a mess. I feel guilty and sad and the lack of closure only makes it worse. I am unsure of what to do now. I don't know where he went, what happened to him, and my logical brain tells me he is dead.

I don't really have a purpose for this, I am just trying to work through being without the one creature that could help me through anything and that kept me alive.

 

[margd]

I'm so sorry to hear that Tiger has disappeared, and under circumstances that have left you feeling guilty.  You both loved each other very much and he would never want you to blame yourself for anything.  And  you really have nothing to feel guilty about - you were following medical advice when you adopted Percy.   Tiger might have felt jealous when Percy was in front of him, but he had no way of knowing you were living with Percy when you were apart from him.  In other words, it's very unlikely that he ran away because he was jealous of Percy, if Percy wasn't around at the time.

It sounds like Tiger was getting up there in years.  Sometimes cats do go away to die when their time has come and it's no reflection at all on their human.  It's just instinct.  The other possibility is that he ran into trouble and being deaf and losing his vision left him at a disadvantage.  There is another possibility, too and it's much more hopeful.  He might have been have been seen by someone who thought he was just a stray and who brought him in with them.  He may want to come home, but not not be able to get to you.  This happens more often than you would think.  

Have you hung up leaflets with his picture all over the neighborhood?   It's not too late to go door to door, if you haven't already done that.  As for him being missing for two months, many members here have been reunited with their lost cats after longer times than that.   More than one of those members posted in this forum, Crossing the Bridge, only to come back and announce the return of the lost one.  I hope this for you, more than I can say.

Tiger may not have had the official paperwork, but he basically is (or was) an Emotional Support Animal.  It's painful to lose a dearly loved cat under any circumstances but the loss of an ESA is especially difficult.  It sounds like he did a great job, too.  Tiger was a very special cat and my heart goes out to you as you deal with his loss.  I know that Percy will never fill the hole left behind by Tiger but in his own way, he can help.  You mentioned that taking care of Tiger was one of the things that saved you - you still have to take care of Percy.  Believe me I know from my own experience how taking care of a cat can keep one tethered to daily life and routine.  I really hope that Percy manages to provide some comfort to your broken heart.

The lack of closure can feel unbearable in these situations.  For many, that's the worst part.  Imagining what might have happened is natural but unfortunately doesn't help at all, it only makes your pain worse.  Imaginations can be cruel.  It's easy for me to say, but if you could try to cut off those thoughts when they start up, you'll be able to focus on sweet memories of times that actually did happen.  Doing so may help you heal, whereas imagining the worse only prolongs the grief.  

Your story brought tears to my eyes.  You've had such a difficult time with medical issues and your parents' divorce that I really regret that you should have this loss on top of it.  It might help you to write down memories about Tiger.  I did this when my boy Milo passed away and it really helped both as a catharsis and years later to bring him back to me.  

In the meantime, get out there with the fliers.  Check with vet offices, shelters and rescue groups.  Wear out some shoe leather going door to door.  Tiger might still be out there.  

Sending  many vibes that you and dear Tiger are reunited soon.  

 

[di and bob]

The not knowing is definitely the worst, our imaginations can come up with much more horrible scenarios than reality. I think your Tiger knew his end was near and being the sweet boy he was he didn't want to cause you the pain of witnessing his crossing over. Please don't feel guilt over something you had no control over, guilt should be reserved for intentional acts that cause pain to another, not from going over all those should haves, could haves that bring nothing but heartache. Tiger knew you loved him, sometimes all of us become distracted with something new in our lives, life changes and we expand along with it. Your precious boy loves you too much to bring you pain and grief, he would want only happiness for you in the future as you would want for him if you were the first to go. You gave him years of your love and devotion, he led a good life with the one he loved. Try to celebrate the time he shared your life, he was in it for a reason. My heart cries for what you are going through, please know we all care and share your pain, take care and try to not dwell on the end. Bless you, sweet Tiger for making a life a little happier and sharing yours with someone you love so much, please send what comfort you can from wherever you are, you will never be forgotten!

 

[zed xyzed]

What a sweet boy Tiger was, he was your angel in your time of need. I am glad you had such a loving friend, I am sorry he is gone. I will say a pray a hope that he surprises you. Please don't give up on him just yet. 

 

[catsknowme]

    Please try to focus on your good memories of Tiger. Remember that you need to be strong for little Percy! There is a strong possibility that Tiger rehomed himself but also it is likely that he went off to die, considering his age & health. Either way, you are grieving the loss of a very dear friend; actually, he was closer than that, he was a soulmate for you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel that pain of not having your precious boy with you right now; try to not feel guilty, Tiger left on his own accord, for whatever the reason and he would want you to be happy.

 

[jimmycatlover]

 
When I was four years old, my grandparents had a cat they were taking care of who had wandered on to their property one day. He lived outside and despite his being a stray, he was one of the sweetest and friendliest cats in the world. However, he often got into fights with and started beating up my grandparents cat, Shadow. One Christmas they asked if we wanted him. That day we took him home and he became our cat. 

At first, Tiger was unsure of us. He was friendly as usual, but it still felt like if he wanted to he would run away. A year later I went in for a major surgery and when I came home I had to sleep in the living room. I usually slept in a room with my sister, so I was unaccustomed to sleeping in a room without another person. The first night back home, he snuggled up to me on the couch and every night after he did the same.

It wasn't until I was twelve that he actually became more than just a family cat. I started feeding him in my room and keeping his litterbox in my closet. As a result he began spending the night in my room. Ever since then he was my cat. He followed me around, always wanted to snuggle, and I could pick him up and pet him whenever I wanted. He was my baby. Him and I were very close and eventually, when I developed some severed depression and a panic disorder aided by (at the time) undiagnosed ADHD, he became a support for me. Whenever I would panic or cry he would just come up and cuddle. Even when I was anxious, he wouldn't freak out or run away when I tried to pick him up.

Due to my parents being divorced, I only had Tiger at my mom's house. My therapist saw what he did for me and how much he helped and suggested that we get a cat for at my dad's house. At the time, the thought of a new pet was thrilling and I became consumed by it. I din't ignore Tiger, but as he got old and sick I was not the best owner for him. 

After I got Percy, my new kitten, Tiger was definitely jealous. He had gone deaf and his eyesight was failing and Percy kept harassing him whenever she was visiting. I still tried to take care of him but I was distracted. Unfortunately, the week after I brought Percy over to my mom's for the first time, Tiger disappeared. I was heartbroken. I needed him. He took care of me and through taking care of him, I was able to keep myself alive. I waited for two months, desperately hoping that he would come back.

He never did and ever since then I have just been a mess. I feel guilty and sad and the lack of closure only makes it worse. I am unsure of what to do now. I don't know where he went, what happened to him, and my logical brain tells me he is dead.

I don't really have a purpose for this, I am just trying to work through being without the one creature that could help me through anything and that kept me alive.

So sorry for your possible loss, because right now you're not sure

about Tiger.  You briefly mentioned he disappeared, is blind and deaf.

Hang in there and keep us posted.