Devastated

[Kimmmy]

It's been a week and 3 days since I let my beautiful girl go. She had breast cancer that the vet said would be aggressive. We said we want to proceed with surgery and get this nasy thing out of her. We brought her back to the vets thinking she was going to have the surgey. Later in the afteroon, we got a call to collect her and said she hasn't had surgery becaue they did tests on her kidneys. We back to the vets to collect her and the vet said her kidney marker was 22, double than what it should be and that they can't proceed with surgery as she is likely to get kidney failure during the op and not make it. She was an IV all day. The vet told us to bring her back home for the night and then bring her back for further blood tests. Whatever they had her on that day, was working. Her kidney marker went from 22 to 18! She responded well. But the vet said it was still too high to operate and Muffy didn't have much time left with the tumor to be put on a kidney diet. Without surgery, she estimated 1-3 weeks. They hadn't even done xrays or biopsy but could just tell by looking at the mass. We was told the best option at this point is euthanasia. She said we can take her home to say our goodbyes or do it there and then. As much as I wanted to get out of there ASAP and cuddle her at home, I knew it would be harder, having to endure another taxi fare back knowing we were taking her to die. So we did it that day.

I feel so guilty for the decision we made. I feel guilty for not bringing her home to have one more day of cuddles and for her to live like a Queen and I feel guilty for not fighting harder for her. I keep thinking, what if she had another day on IV and they got her kidney marker down even more. What if we proceeded with surgery anyway, took a risk and she survived. All I can see is her scared and confused face before they gave her that injection. I feel like we have let her down and I am truly heartbroken. She was 13 years and 5 months.

She has a sister from the same litter and she is in good health, I absolutely adore her but at the same time I even feel guitly for continuing on and loving her. I know it might sound silly but I don't want Muffy thinking we have forgotton about her. We also have another cat who is 8 and is biologically unrelated. They both know Muffy isn't here with us anymore.

Anyway, I have attached some pictures of my girl and the memorial we have set up for her.

Rest in peace sweet heart, I love you so so much. Either mum or me will meet you at the rainbow bridge. xxx

 

[Kimmmy]

Sorry to double post, I just want to add that what hurts about letting her go as well was that she vet said she didn't appear to be in pain from both the tumor and kidney damage. And at home, she was upbeat, playful and normal. I can't just can't come to terms with this.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Everyone is different, of course, but if I (personally) opt for euthanasia I want it done right then. I don't want to make an appointment for a week out. Some people need time, some people don't want that time. For me, taking them home knowing the deed will be done on X date at X time just makes that remaining time nothing but grieving for someone who is still with us, and needs us to support them.
Sometimes these animals's loyalty is the most amazing thing on this planet. They will fight, endure, and suffer because they don't want us to feel sad over their loss. When we start grieving for them before they've gone, that's not good for us, or for them IMO.
I had a dog years ago that I loved very much. He was my buddy and my bro. He went in my truck with me everywhere and this smelly old dog and I would share hamburgers, ice cream cones, whatever. One day, he wasn't acting right so I took him to the vet and they realized he had a really bad, really aggressive, fast growing (and almost always fatal) cancer and was already suffering from it. From the time I noticed he wasn't right til I got him to the vets, he had gone from not acting right, to struggling to walk. That was in a few hours time. He could have lived a few more days in misery, but I opted to euthanize him because I wanted to remember our last day together as a day in ignorance, before I knew he was sick. Hours later, I knew he was going to die very soon. The day that he died, we had spent time outside. He was with me with the horses, running around in the pasture, eating horse crap (something I always yelled at him for ) and all the normal stuff we did daily. I knew in a day or so he'd be unable to do this and I would spend those remaining days grieving the death of a pet that had yet to die.
Everyone is different. But I understand 100% why you did what you did because it had to be done, if not today, but eventually.
She may have survived surgery, sure...but that kind of surgery is really invasive, very aggressive, and coming out of the anesthetic and coming home is just the beginning, that invasive surgery requires a lot of care and a lot of medicine and a lot of luck. Chances are, whatever pain medications given to her at the time might have made thing worse for her kidneys. Post op, the last thing you want is them not to eat, and if their already damaged kidneys are affected by anesthesia and medications, their appetite will go, and what if it would have been hell on both of you?
Give yourself the credit you deserve. You did what could be done without prolonging her pain. I love the picture you chose for your avatar. She was (and still is, IMO) one beautiful and much loved girl.
All our love and best to you my friend. It'll be OK, just give it some time and never think you can't post here with your grief. You're among friends

 

[les26]

Oh this is so so tough, we always second guess ourselves when we have to "play God" as it is so so difficult to do, but the grief has ahold of you right now and it will for quite awhile. It sounds like she wasn't doing very well and if she did have a good day it wasn't too often, she could have been hurting and neither you or the vet knew it, I am sure that if they thought it was too early to put her down they would've said so if they knew. This reminds me of Sebastian who was sick years ago and the bloodwork was fine except for some "mildly" elevated kindey levels, and the vet said "he could live several more years and not die of kidney problems", but he lived about 1 week or so after that and his kidneys were the problem, so my point is even though bloodwork and test results say "it's okay" they often times are not telling the whole story, but you did the most beautiful albeit hardest act of love by letting her go, she is not hurting anymore it is you who is but that is very understandable, and it will hurt for a long time but you eventually will be okay again, and you will see her again and it will be wonderful. You did all you could with the information and means that you had, the grief is playing mind games with you but just know that you did a great job taking care of her, now you need to take care of your other babies and yourself, and lean on us all here we understand....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry for your loss, go with your feelings don't hide them, cry and cry again, but the sun WILL come out again, God Bless.....

 

[Kimmmy]

Thank you so much for your repsonses, it really means alot.

 

[Furballsmom]

You gave her an enormous, incalculable gift of letting her go before the pain dug in to every nook and cranny of her being. Bless you for that.

RIP sweetheart, your struggles are over now and you are in a place of eternal sunshine, peace, favorite toys, tender grass and zoomies.

For the OP, try some holy basil, L-lysine, chamomile tea with honey, and be sure to use music for your furbabies. There's low volume classical harp music, there is an app called Relax My Cat and also there is MusicForCats . com.

 

[1 bruce 1]

You gave her an enormous, incalculable gift of letting her go before the pain dug in to every nook and cranny of her being. Bless you for that.

RIP sweetheart, your struggles are over now and you are in a place of eternal sunshine, peace, favorite toys, tender grass and zoomies.

For the OP, try some holy basil, L-lysine, chamomile tea with honey, and be sure to use music for your furbabies. There's low volume classical harp music, there is an app called Relax My Cat and also there is MusicForCats . com.

That kind of music is great for cats. It's great for humans, too, from babies to adults to the elderly. Dogs respond, horses respond.
We've chosen the hospice type route for pets with cancer. It's rewarding in a sense, but it's very draining and exhausting. Very. Each pet is different, each person is different, and there are no right or wrong answers to this type of situation.
We did hospice care with a cancer dog because the cancer wasn't the most aggressive type. He didn't last too long, and I can't say for sure but I don't think this dog "died" of cancer. I think he died of cardiac arrest because the cancer sucked his poor little body so dry that he'd lost 50% of his body weight (despite a voracious appetite), and once the body muscle is gone, the next muscle affected is the heart. I don't regret it, but I don't know if I would do it again for that long.
Depends on the individual, depends on the circumstances. Nothings right, nothings wrong. If the bottom line intent is in their best interest, the outcome is nothing but good.

 

[Maria Bayote]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy. Just hang in there and live one day at a time. Soon the pain will cease, and to be replaced by remembrances of happiest memories. She is free from pain now. It is all that matters. Find consolation to the thought that she has acquired her wings and watching over you with a smile of love and gratitude.

Until you meet again.

 

[Leomc123]

Im sorry for your loss, muffy is in heaven now looking over you, she is in peace playing with all the kitty, and its hard to know when to make that decision, to do it there in the vet or to do it at home. I had to make the same decision on the 30th march 2019, i went in, hoping that all she need was a tooth removed for a tooth infection and it turns out that she didn't have any tooth infection but she was dying from kidney disease. The vet said i could take her home and come back a week later to end her life so i could spend more time with her, but i knew that i would either never bring her back again or if i did bring her later she would be sitting at home in pain for a week, i felt that it wasn't fair on her, i would just drag her on longer for myself. Its very hard not to feel guilty when loving your other cats who remains behind, MC was the last one that was left behind when leo was put down 3 months earlier and i felt guilty that i was paying attention to her, and now i regret doing that for the 2 weeks, cause now she is gone too 3 months after Its hard, and i pray your heart will be calm, take it as it comes, and i love the memorial place you have made for Muffy it looks peaceful and she looks beautiful *hugs*

 

[di and bob]

Going through that surgery woudl have given her even more pain to endure, one more day of suffering. If there is no cure, it is better one day early then one day late.......You had absolutely no control over this situation, cats are incredibly stoic about hiding pain and how bad they really are.
Your sweet girl is at peace now, for her, the time that passes before you meet again will be in the blink of an eye. While for you it will pass incredibly slow. Those two babies you have left need you now, more then ever. Let them distract you from your grief, it is overwhelming at times and can take over your life if you let it.
The past is set in stone, don't dwell on things that you have no control over, that can never be changed. No matter how much you want it different, it is painful to realize that. But it also contains your life with that precious girl and all the memories you have of better times. So treasure those good memories and let them dominate and push aside the bad. Make new memories to tide you through the years, you will always have the old to build on, to learn from, and to bring you comfort when you need it most. Don't run from the pain, embrace it, meet it head on and then let it go, it will never be far, but you have legions of those who will help you because they have followed that same path and came out the other side.....bless you and your little family, this is not an easy time in life to get through. You are stronger than you think, it does get better in time. Time is the healer of all things, one day at a time......

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Muffy, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Darlin, wait. I know how hard it was to let her go when she seemed well, but...she was not. And you took steps to ensure that she NEVER EVER had one day of pain and misery. No slow decline. It is what I would want done for me, if we allowed that kindness to humans, as well. And where she is now, she blesses you for saving her from indignity and failing health. This I know, love never dies. It only changes form and continues on, still Love. And Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. Muffy is with you still, only a thought away.

 

[WinniesMomma]

I'm so sorry, she was beautiful. You did the right thing .You released her before she experienced more pain. That is the part I have trouble with Winnie..she was still awake and alert, but she wasn't eating, cleaning or playing. Cats are noble and they hide their pain well. Please know she is with you.