Dealing with the guilt

[julia123123]

About 6 weeks ago, I noticed a subtle change to my Tabitha's routine. Instead of thumping down the stairs for breakfast, she stayed upstairs on her heated bed. She was 12 and I figured that she was just getting older. I brought her food up to her and she ate heartily. A month ago, I noticed that she seemed to be sleeping more than usual. Again, I thought: poor girl is getting older. She was still frisky, eating/drinking, purring like crazy, cuddling. But after a couple of weeks, I started thinking: maybe best to take her to the vet, just to be sure.

The vets here are incredibly overloaded - too many pets, not enough vets. My vet clinic never answers the phone, ever. I left multiple messages over multiple days and finally, exasperated, decided to switch vets. The soonest appointment I could get was mid-April. That seemed fine, since this was not an emergency, just an in-case.

Suddenly this weekend, she got worse. She stopped eating, started crying in pain and vomiting. We rushed her to the emergency vet (an hour away), where she died in my arms. The vet wasn't sure what was wrong with her - all levels were low, including temperature, and she said that it was possibly a bacterial, viral, fungal infection? No way to know how long she'd been sick. I'm grieving horribly because I lost her, but I am consumed with guilt at the thought that she could've been sick for a whole month and I just didn't know it. I'm just consumed with "should've done this, should've done that." It's compounding my grief and I just feel miserable. I guess that I don't have a question, just a cautionary tale...if your little one has any change in routine, get them to the vet immediately.

 

[di and bob]

Thank you for telling your story. You are sure to save a little life in the future.....
Guilt and all those should haves, could haves, ALWAYS accompany the loss of a loved one. Because not one of us is perfect and there is always one moment in time to cause all those horrible feelings. But to have guilt you must have intention. You had no intention of bringing harm to your little one, so you should hold no guilt. In fact, your intention was that you wanted her looked at because you knew there was a change in her routine. Cats are masters at hiding illness and injuries. There was no real way for you to know that what she had was so serious.
Try not to dwell on her end. There were so many more good times, happy times, in the past, and she would never want you to be so sad because of her. She loves you and wants you to go forward into life and seek its happiness and goodness just as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go. Because that is what love is.
Of course, you are going to hurt and miss her, for a long time. She shared your life's journey for many years. It is in times like this I concentrate on the quote, "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened."
Know she lives on through you now, so send her your love and the happiness that life brings, not sadness and tears. Love is spiritual, so eternal, she will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. The bond of love and the part of your soul you two share can NEVER be taken from you. It will always be a part of your life as long as you shall live.
My heart breaks for your pain. Time is the only thing that dulls the sharp edges of grief. Take care and know I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers......RIP precious Tabitha. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[julia123123]

Thank you for your kind words. I've been looking through this forum and realize that the guilt is pretty common, but what a double whammy. Just feel devastated. Just going to take it day by day.

 

[di and bob]

That's all you CAN do, and it gives your poor broken heart time to heal. Just take one day at a time.....

 

[betsygee]

I'm so sorry for the loss of Tabitha. You're right, the second guessing and guilt is pretty common, it's impossible to not think about all the what-ifs. But it is really hard to know if something is a subtle change because of age as you said, or something else. Please try to not be hard on yourself--you didn't know. You loved your little girl and she knew it.

Rest in peace, sweet girl.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Tabitha, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

It is in our nature to feel guilt. I think it is hardwired into us, somehow. And i'd love to give the Programmer a piece of my mind over that one, indeed. This is the truth...every single thing you said, up until the radical change, is something that we expect with an aging cat! And you cannot know what you do not know. And I want you to consider this, also...six weeks ago, what you noticed may have been normal aging, and had nothing to do with a final, separate and sudden illness. That is just as possible as that you missed something.

Enough of practicalities, even though they needed to be said. THIS is the deepest truth I know, that love does not die. It is translated and purified in to Love, and continues on. And Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. From her home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Tabitha sends her Love for you back to you, to walk with you down through all your days. Her Love is with you still.

 

[CindyH66]

aw, Julia ..my deepest condolences on your loss. It is our nature to second guess what we could have done different and wonder if it might have changed the outcome somehow ? tormenting ourselves with wondering if they suffered more than they should have , etc... does nothing but increase our grief. Your baby had a life of love and care with you. an aging kitty has subtle signs of change normally , and kitties are MASTERS of hiding when they dont feel good. that is THEIR nature. since we dont have a crystal ball, we have a lot of guess work at play and the vets being limited in availability is compounding the issues. I have no doubt you did all you could for your fur baby. It took courage to share your story in hopes it might spare someone else the same pain. thank you for sharing it. I am sure your baby knew you did all you could for her. I believe they take our love with them . I lost my baby of 14 years to a blood clot who died suddenly ( last year) and it was traumatic. I know the fact that their lives are so much shorter than ours is the hardest part of loving a kitty. We adopted little peanut shortly after Bella's death .. and love on her every day we have with her . Hugs to you as you move ahead in the days ahead .

 

[Margot Lane]

Definitely don’t beat yourself up…as the 3 above me have pointed out, you NOTICED the changed and tried to help! I don’t know if this is comforting, but, at least she passed in your arms, with you giving her love! A lot of people don’t get that kind of moment….we do make a bargain when we take cats on: their lives ARE short and often so fragile, so vulnerable. These little spirits trust us (if we’re lucky) & then we enjoy an intense richness in our lives that doesn’t last forever but while it does is pure love. You are a GOOD cat owner. You even trusted your gut -which is really really brave- and tried to get another vet! If it helps I know your cat forgives you for all those “what ifs” owners often have! And if you feel like telling us more about your Tabitha, please do: I am sure in those 12 years there were a lot of really good and warm memories: you’ll have those forever.

 

[julia123123]

Thank you so much...my husband and I are trying to focus on her good life and funny quirks now. She had it made here...I work from home and was always fussing over her, she had THREE heated pads and two non-heated deep cat beds...a window hammock, a perch, warm place by a fire in winter and plenty of fresh air window screen perches in summer...she was totally spoiled. Her siblings were made into outdoor cats by the person that we got her from, and they were all dead within a few years. We got her at 5-6 weeks and she had us and a benevolent older cat who let her run him around the house constantly. She was prickly, but he was so gentle and loving that he wore her down, and soon they were sleeping together, just best friends. We lost him last year after a bout of cancer. I feel that they are together now and that we will all be reunited someday. Just sad and lonely without their little faces here now!

 

[aurorabee]

I am so sorry for your loss! I can relate so much. My heart breaks for and with you. It's so hard when we don't know why exactly, was wrong.

Please be gentle on yourself (hard advice, I know!) and know that in some cases even bringing them to the vet doesn't always shed light on what was happening. In my country, there is also was an already existing veterinary crisis that was exacerbated by more pandemic pets and less veterinary staff.

I also noticed similar vague changes with my beloved 12 year-old kitty. This was at the beginning of the pandemic so they were prioritizing virtual visits. April 16th: virtual consult and vet queries IBD, lymphosarcoma* or arthritis. Hard to tell without an actual exam. She didn't impress any urgency upon me. Six days later I'm able to get an actual exam by saying I felt this was a palliative situation. That vet does full bloodwork and physical exam (I wasn't present during the exam so I feel communication is lost during those parking lot hand-offs) but bloodwork good, no masses felt, weight good. He noted there was a lot of pain with her spine, so was asking if she had an injury? So my brain switched over to thinking it was that. Less scary. He prescribed pain medications. He didn't ask to do a xray or ultrasound and I didn't think to ask at the time. She seemed to slightly improve 10 days later. Then one night she seemed to decline again. Passed away two weeks after her clinical exam and bloodwork.

*my family have had many cats over the years and the word wasn't even on my radar. I've since learned, from coming on this site, that it seems to be increasingly common and in some cases undetected until surgery.

The heated pads and warm place by the fire sound like you had a most loving home for your sweet girl.

 

[julia123123]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your kitty! It's always such a terrible shock, even if you know that it's coming. We're still feeling grief, but like you said, it's pretty normal. I wasn't able to be in the euthanasia room when our beloved boy died after a painful battle with cancer last year - I was too distraught - and I beat myself up over it for months. But I'm trying to let these things go. What's done is done, and their brief moments of discomfort are over. They both had very spoiled, pampered lives. My husband and I work from home and so both cats were absolutely smothered in affection. And I believe that we'll see them again someday. I hope you're feeling a little bit of comfort after losing your sweet girl!

 

[CindyH66]

I am so sorry for your loss! I can relate so much. My heart breaks for and with you. It's so hard when we don't know why exactly, was wrong.

Please be gentle on yourself (hard advice, I know!) and know that in some cases even bringing them to the vet doesn't always shed light on what was happening. In my country, there is also was an already existing veterinary crisis that was exacerbated by more pandemic pets and less veterinary staff.

I also noticed similar vague changes with my beloved 12 year-old kitty. This was at the beginning of the pandemic so they were prioritizing virtual visits. April 16th: virtual consult and vet queries IBD, lymphosarcoma* or arthritis. Hard to tell without an actual exam. She didn't impress any urgency upon me. Six days later I'm able to get an actual exam by saying I felt this was a palliative situation. That vet does full bloodwork and physical exam (I wasn't present during the exam so I feel communication is lost during those parking lot hand-offs) but bloodwork good, no masses felt, weight good. He noted there was a lot of pain with her spine, so was asking if she had an injury? So my brain switched over to thinking it was that. Less scary. He prescribed pain medications. He didn't ask to do a xray or ultrasound and I didn't think to ask at the time. She seemed to slightly improve 10 days later. Then one night she seemed to decline again. Passed away two weeks after her clinical exam and bloodwork.

*my family have had many cats over the years and the word wasn't even on my radar. I've since learned, from coming on this site, that it seems to be increasingly common and in some cases undetected until surgery.

The heated pads and warm place by the fire sound like you had a most loving home for your sweet girl.

I am sorry for your loss as well. it is never easy !

 

[denice]

I am sorry for your loss. Don't be hard on yourself. Cats are so good at hiding pain and being sick.

 

[SadCatOwner32]

Suddenly this weekend, she got worse. She stopped eating, started crying in pain and vomiting. We rushed her to the emergency vet (an hour away), where she died in my arms. The vet wasn't sure what was wrong with her - all levels were low, including temperature, and she said that it was possibly a bacterial, viral, fungal infection?

I have about 1 more hour before the vet comes to put my 16 year old down. These stories are helping me keep my resolve to do it.

My cat has been suffering for at least a year with "issues" but I have taken him to the vet and gotten tests and they were inconclusive. So the vet can't really say the problem without deep dive. My cat has been throwing up almost daily for 9 months or so and now is having a cascade of other problems. Limping, inability to sit, watery eyes, scratching himself raw, crouching like he is going to go out side the box. Not eating his entire meal. Finally this week he seemed to have a terrible throw up session and looked like he was going to go number two outside the box. He didn't.

Though he has been better the next three days... nothing I have done for 9 months has stopped the throwing up and the vet has no answers or treatment. I have tried so many things on my own and even some of the vet stuff.

If I could get him to see a vet this week I might but there are no available appointments for weeks. I have called around.

In my gut, I know this is a serious issue and it is just a matter of time. Do I want him to take a turn for the worse when it is bad weather? Do I want to come home after a day of work to an animal that has suffered all day? No.

I read someplace that cats usually only have a lifespan of two years after throwing up regularly... and he has been doing it for a year.