Cats, Kittens, and Aversion to Being Held

[tinkerbeltink]

I have a one year old cat and a four month old kitten. I have had both since they were five weeks old. They were stray rescues.

The cat has never been a fan for being held or sitting on a lap. Also, he never rubs against my legs. He enjoys his own company and will stay in a room with me 25% to 50% of the time, despite never letting me out of his sight as a small kitten. However, he has a sweet and non aggressive personality with me. He will, periodically, sit on my chest. He likes limited petting.

The kitten started out fine with being held AND had a rough introduction period with the cat for a month. They are now friends and successful companions. One thing about her is she loves to be in rooms with me and loves to lean on me for a pillow or sit near me. The one thing is she currently hates being held. It's awful. I have wondered if she has picked up on his distain for it.

Both of them have limits for petting and scratching.

I so would have loved a lap feline or one that loves being held and petted.  I had one previous cat, who died, and grew up with cats that were so different.

Is this unusual?

 

[southbound]

We have a now 2 1/2 year old little girl who never liked being held but will come when called. She doesn't mind being petted but don't try to pick her up. Most of my other ones don't mind it at all.

 

[daishain]

Cats vary greatly in personality, and if anything, the ones that like being held are aberrations rather than the other way around. Being trapped by a larger and more dangerous predator is generally a no go as far as natural instincts are concerned. (and yes, they can tell that you're a predator, no being a vegetarian or whatever else doesn't change that)

It may or may not be possible to get them to accept or better yet seek out cuddling, but you've got more of a chance with the kitten. The main key is positive association. Try to get either to accept being held for brief periods in exchange for small amounts of a treat they don't often get and find delicious.

 

[2bcat]

Most cats don't really enjoy being picked up or held at all, or for longer than a very short period, but even many of those will sometimes enjoy laps or at least close snuggles (sleeping next to you, rather than on a lap).

You might be surprised that even after a year that behavior can still change a little.  Our pair of shelter cats who came to us at already 5 years old have gotten more and more affectionate, almost clingy at times, over the year and a half they've been home with us.  One lets me pick her up for about half a minute.  The other still squirms immediately upon that action.  But either will take a short hug when they jump up to my seated level on their own, and either will sit in a lap as long as they get their on their own.  If we lift them up lap time/cuddle they will most likely not stay, even though we know they often like to sit with us!  It has to be on their terms it seems.

I did have a prior cat that tended more towards the aloof behavior, but even she had a little more tendency to cuddle as she aged.  She was never ever a lap cat, never sat in my lap her whole life (and she spent her whole life with me).  So with these two, I figure I got lucky.  In terms of getting a lap cat, you win some and you lose some, but it's important to recognize the affection they do give you even if it's not exactly what you would hope for.  And you may be able to influence them into coming up more with treats, etc, although it's also possible they will make that action very momentary.  (For example, we have a routine treat time at bed time, and they love it, but it's common for the cats to eat and run before they eventually come back to sleep in the bed later.)

 

[NewYork1303]

My cat is the type who doesn't like to be held unless on his terms. When he comes and talks to me, I pick him up and can hold him for three minutes max before he is done with the affection and wants to head elsewhere. My kitten on the other hand is insanely cuddly, loves sitting on me all day long. She still doesn't love being held though. I think they both don't like the feeling of a human having control over where they go and what they do. 

I suspect it is just your cats personality. My rainbow cat before these two would never ever want to be held and hated being touched when it wasn't on her terms. It wasn't just because that was who she was as a cat. She became slightly more cuddly in her late years 16-17, but never to the point of long term lap sitting. 

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

I've never had a lap cat. I'm not sure I'd ever want one as I get up and down a lot, and such a cat would be forever hunting for my lost lap.

My first cat came into my life when she was 4- 1/2 wks old, born of a barn cat mama, and loved liked being held, but held only in One.Particular.Way. She also liked to sleep with me. She was affectionate, smart and wonderful - and she trained me to hold her in That.Particular.Way. I grew to be very happy.


My second cat came into my life when she was 3 mos old, from the HSUS. She cuddled when young, but when older, really fought being held, unless she was scared and wanted that sort of "refuge". She loved being near me, and slept on the bed but not in a cuddling way. She trained me in her wonderful, smart ways as well, and I grew to be very happy. Later in life, I totally understood her aversion to being held, as she'd developed pancreatitis and it was very painful for her to be held. We had to be very careful.

My current cat we've had for nearly two months, a bottle-fed orphan stray kitten from a rescue shelter, fostered by an experienced human foster parent. We got her when she was 11 weeks, though we met her when she was about 8 weeks. She likes being held -- but not when playing, which is about 3/4 of the time at this point. She's training me to recognize her "cuddle signals", e.g. when she wants to be picked up, and I fully take advantage of those times. She also loves to sleep with me, cuddling, but is in no way a daytime lap cat.

I make it a point to not pick up a kitten when it is playing, or to pick it up only whenever I myself feel like it. I just key in to the kitty's body language, and pick her up when I think she is telling me that she wants that kind of closeness. It's frustrating... and feels lonely sometimes! But more often than not, kittens begin to seek you out when they want to cuddle, and it usually happens more & more often when you just let them have the say-so (like it's their idea). This is a counterpoint to having the experience of a human just reaching hands out to pick them up at unexpected or unwanted times, as surprises. Sometimes I start with only (upon their "cuddle signal") getting down on the floor and picking them up only that shorter height (not while I'm standing up), and I hold them while sitting or kneeling. When you read their body language and then try to take advantage of that, after a certain rewarding point the comfort level increases both on the kitten's side and on your side, and then it develops that you both compromise with the being held/cuddling at times (doing unwanted things at times). I usually try NOT to entice the kitten with treats for them allowing being held, as, like 2bcat mentioned, it makes the interaction much more momentary and conditional. The cuddling and love should be the reward itself, in my view. (If it's possible with that particular cat, that is.)

It certainly helps that my kitten was essentially raised by caring humans starting from her 4th day of life (being bottle fed, etc.). With more feral or semi-feral offspring, or simply less socialized or not well socialized kittens, cuddling, etc., can be much harder to nurture. It also helps that I have always had the opportunity to be around home a lot. If a kitten or cat is used to humans, or, simply, with time & trust gets used to its owner's particular signals and behaviors, that kitten or cat can learn to train its human pretty well. Sometimes this is hard if the human is mostly at work many hours a day and such.

 

[mani]

@PushPurrCatPaws I just wanted to say that I'm very taken with the expression: forever hunting for my lost lap 

It resonates with me because my two just love a lap.

 

[mingking]

I've learned to appreciate the non-cuddly way my cat loves me and I hope you learn their little signs as well! It might not be cuddling but I know my cat loves me because he greets me and (only me - my mom gets insanely jealous!) at the door, will nod his head as a greeting when I come into a room, and will follow me up and down the stairs.

Don't push it or force the cat to be on your lap or in your arms though. It might drive the cats away more than closer to you. (Although, I know it's hard to resist. Sometimes, I'll pick up Ming and hold him close despite his protests. 

)

 

[chipmunk-kim]

Some cats just don't like being held. I have two, a brother and sister that just flail or stiffen when they're picked up. They've always done it, and probably always will. I can understand wanting to hold a cat, but they all have their own personalities and we usually respect them. We still hold them sometimes, but we often wait for them to come to us.

I suppose having six other cats who enjoy being held makes it easier though.

 

[twotabbies]

In my experience that is normal. Like humans, cats have a range of tolerance for physical affection. Some cats will never be super cuddly. My 13 year old tabby likes to be spooned in bed (she sleeps next to me) and lay on our bellies in bed, cuddle between us etc but isn't too big on laps and hates being held.  Our one year old likes being held in front of windows and occasionally will tolerate just being held (over the shoulder). He is not really a lap cat but you can pet him all day, same with the older one.

All I can say is unless they are behaving aggressively there isn't a reason to be worried. Cats are finicky and particular--if you want a pet who is always affectionate you'd get a dog instead. It's part of what makes your relationship with your cat more special, because you kind of have to earn their affection.