Cat is tight w/ wife but not me. What can I do about it.

[medicate]

I spent a bunch of cash on a pedigree cat that we got from a breeder as a wedding present to my wife. I picked him out at 1-2w of age and visited him at 3 months and 4m of age before bringing him home at 5m due to delays. The breeder told me that he had an unusual abscess in the umbilical region at 2 months but the vet confirmed it was not important. Later I discovered from the same vet that he was also brought in at a young age for lethargy and diarrhea, and the vet noted that he was the smallest in the litter. 

During my two visits before bringing him home, he was different from the others. Unlike the rest, which cautiously hid from me but eventually played with da bird, he chose to stay on the upper levels of the cat tree and quietly peer at me and the rest, only occasionally moving to different levels of the cat tree but never off of it. His mother always rested on the same cat tree and it seemed he didn't want to move away from her.

When we brought him home about 6 weeks ago, he was scared as one would expect but within a week was comfortably enjoying his new cat tree in our living room. Slowly he warmed up to us over time, making progress but taking steps in the other direction after a 6h car ride and trip to visit my parents and a pre-neutering visit to the vets. 

Now he follows my wife around, lets her pet him, and likes to lie near her. We have half-heartedly been clicker training him, which he enjoys. His warmth with me, however, is hit or miss. Sometimes he will let me pet him, but other times he will run away from me and act frightened. It's especially hard for me b/c I work ridiculously long hours, and my wife is at home all day, so when I come home he behaves as if I'm a stranger. 

So my question to this here community is what actions can I take to have him warm up to me. Please refrain from saying that he is the way he is, and I have to accept it, etc.  I want to know what kind of behaviors I can change in myself to increase the likelihood that he will develop a stronger relationship with me.

At first I kept my distance so as not to tick him off from my pestering. But since this hasn't worked at all, I've decided to pet/scratch/brush him as often as I can and he tolerates so he gets used to me. I also give him food but wait for him to let me pet him for 5 minutes before I give it. Are these good ideas? Lastly, I'm hoping his neutering will make him more personable but that's out of my control. 

I appreciate any help!

 

[kylew]

At first I kept my distance so as not to tick him off from my pestering. But since this hasn't worked at all, I've decided to pet/scratch/brush him as often as I can and he tolerates so he gets used to me. I also give him food but wait for him to let me pet him for 5 minutes before I give it. Are these good ideas?

I appreciate any help!

First of all, he's an beautiful cat! But then I'm partial to blue eyed, pointed cats In my limited opinion you're going about it a bit backwards. You feeding him is a very good idea, but subjecting him to 5 minutes of something he finds unpleasant first may not be. It may be doing more harm than the good that comes from feeding him. 

My thought would be to ignore him. When I brought Franny (on the left in my avatar) home she wanted nothing to do with me. In fact she spent the first week under the couch. I did not try to approach her. I would talk to her, but never went towards her. after a bit I was 'allowed' to scratch behind her ears for about 12 seconds. Then I was permitted to scratch her back for 15. One night after about 6 weeks, she jumped onto the counter right where I was working. She jumped off after making eye contact. All the while I refrained from approaching her and continued to talk to her. A few weeks later she jumped into m lap while I was watching TV. She tared at me for about 3 seconds and then took off.

Fast forward to today. She's been with me for 2 years and she is a Velcro cat. Now she head buts me when she's on the counter. When I come home at night she flops in front of me and presents her belly for scratching. At night she curls up under my arm in bed. The key to this is patience. My GF is proving this with her new cat. Daisy was 4 months old when she came home and not a people cat. She's been home about a year and has softened significantly. She likes couch time and sleeps cuddled up. 

You can convince your boy that your not all bad, but he has to trust you. Building that trust can take a long time.

Just one man's opinion.

Kyle

 

[medicate]

Kyle, your cats are very beautiful as well. Such long elegant faces! I took your approach for the first 5 weeks but tried the complete opposite over the last week b/c my wife wanted me to be more friendly with the cat by petting and cuddling it a lot. I would say I have had mixed success with this. Your thoughts on this subject are much appreciated and I'm glad I wasn't doing the wrong thing by giving him space for most of his stay with us. I think I'll try backing off a bit more, including during the food serving, though I should note that petting doesn't bother him too much while I give him little whiffs of his canned food before I ultimately give it to him. He seems to now know that he needs to be pet before getting his cans so he has on occasion lately been rubbing against my foot while im in the kitchen and he's hungry. 

Anyway, thanks for the advice! And props to your beauties as well!

 

[Ms. Freya]

Wow! He's certainly a handsome boy!

It sounds like you're on the right track with getting him to warm up to you - by grooming him and being the person feeding him, you're associating yourself with positive things in his life.

As long as he seems to enjoy the petting before food, I don't think it's a problem, but if it agitates him, I'd go with just feeding him - food is usually a great positive reinforcement for a cat.

Neutering will very likely help, but a couple other things you can try:

1. Since he's so young, have a set playtime or if this isn't doable, since you mentioned you work long hours, an interactive toy that he loves that's just for you and him. Some cats go crazy over Da Bird, for instance, so if you can find something like that that he really enjoys, he'll associate you with his favorite games

2. When he's in one of his stand-offish moods give him his space, but stay in the same room/area as him and talk to him. (I used read magazines to our semi-feral girl when she first came inside.) Once he's firmly convinced that hearing your voice doesn't mean anything scary or new, he'll likely start coming out just to hang out with you.

I'm sure others here will be along soon with some more suggestions, but it really does sound like you're on the right track. He's just not entirely used to you yet (some cats take awhile to adapt to a new home) and chances are good that he's warmed up to your wife first simply because he's around her all day and she's become familiar to him. He'll probably be just as friendly with you in the future.

 

[medicate]

I bet from the picture of Julius Caesar, that you can see he has this "no messing around" look to match his low tolerance personality. 

 

[medicate]

Wow! He's certainly a handsome boy!

It sounds like you're on the right track with getting him to warm up to you - by grooming him and being the person feeding him, you're associating yourself with positive things in his life.

As long as he seems to enjoy the petting before food, I don't think it's a problem, but if it agitates him, I'd go with just feeding him - food is usually a great positive reinforcement for a cat.

Neutering will very likely help, but a couple other things you can try:

1. Since he's so young, have a set playtime or if this isn't doable, since you mentioned you work long hours, an interactive toy that he loves that's just for you and him. Some cats go crazy over Da Bird, for instance, so if you can find something like that that he really enjoys, he'll associate you with his favorite games

2. When he's in one of his stand-offish moods give him his space, but stay in the same room/area as him and talk to him. (I used read magazines to our semi-feral girl when she first came inside.) Once he's firmly convinced that hearing your voice doesn't mean anything scary or new, he'll likely start coming out just to hang out with you.

I'm sure others here will be along soon with some more suggestions, but it really does sound like you're on the right track. He's just not entirely used to you yet (some cats take awhile to adapt to a new home) and chances are good that he's warmed up to your wife first simply because he's around her all day and she's become familiar to him. He'll probably be just as friendly with you in the future.

Boy I sure hope so! If only he knew how much work I put in to make his life a happy one.... then he would have some RESPECT for his new daddy!

That's a great idea to have designated play time. I sort of had a designated training time for him with the clicker, which he likes a lot, and if I'm too lazy for that than I'll just play with da Bird with him, which he also likes a lot, but I'll definitely try to make it more routine. 

And I definitely agree with you on my voice being a factor. His breeders were two sisters living together, so the day my brother and I went to go visit him, the atmosphere in the room was one of total uncertainty. We both have deep bass to our voices and I think he's still getting used to such tone because he still looks anxious when I go on a talking tangent at home!

 

[redvelvetone]

I would set aside some time to go hang out with your cat every day. Hang out in the same room, as others have said, and just go about your business (read your books or whatever) but talk to the cat. Don't stare at him and only pet him if he approaches you and wants to be petted. After a while he'll get more used to you. I just brought home a rescued cat three weeks ago. I was home more than my husband so he got used to me quicker. This week I had my husband go in the room and give him one of his meals as well as just hang out there and talk to cat in a soothing voice and play with him. The cat has warmed up to him more this week (he was friendly with him before but he would sometimes run away if he came into the room, which you said you experienced as well).

ALSO, make sure to get down on the cat's level while you're doing this (i.e. sit on the floor or something). Also if he looks at you, look back at him and slowly blink your eyes. See if that helps.

Good luck Your cat is beautiful.

PS
You mentioned your voice. You could also leave a recording on of your voice when you are not at home maybe? talking in a soothing manner.

Or even just the radio on low volume, so he gets used to diffferent types of voices - male and female.

 

[momofmany]

Remember that a cat is motivated by "what's in it for me?" You'll discover more of his sweet spots and what you can do is to find those sweet spots and feed them. Some cats like to be groomed, others to play, others like treats, others like when you sit quietly. The more things you do to cater to his likes, the more he will come to you.

Another thought. Some of cats freeze or flee when my husband enters a room. He walks very heavy, and some of my cats can't handle the way he walks. I haven't been able to train husband to consistently walk less heavy. Take a look at what you are doing when he runs from you to see if there is something you are actually doing to spook him. It could be your walk, it could be you wave your arms when you talk, it could be your talking too loudly, or it could be something very subtle.

Most of my cats hang with me. When DH does things that they like, most will hang with him also.