Cannot Cope With The Loss

[Ted P]

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

The sheer pain of losing such a devoted little friend is utterly crushing.

How does one cope with the loss? Surely you never recover when you lose a pet that is particularly bonded to you. He was more like a faithful dog than a cat.

 

[Kris107]

Hi... Try not to focus on "recovering" or "getting over" a loss. Grief is a journey with no straight path and a lot of ups and downs. I know that 40 years from now I'll talk about some of my past babies with tears in my eyes. So just take it moment by moment. Cry when you need to. Smile when you need to. Try hard to let go of things that don't serve you. Our babies would want nothing more than for us to enjoy our lives and be happy. I hope you have support who understands, but if not, there are other places. There are a lot of people who have bore the unbearable pain of losing a beloved companion. I found that finding ways to honor my babies was helpful. A special urn, a memorial, a tribute picture book, memory jar - whatever speaks to you.

 

[misty8723]

No, you don't ever recover. At least I haven't and probably never will. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello -
this may also help, from TCS member Margret;

I went to the library and searched for a book about grieving. The very first book that I found (and I’m sorry that I no longer remember either the title or the author so I’m unable to give credit where it’s due) had a whole chapter about grieving for pets, and it gave three rules or principles for grieving a pet (or anyone else). Here they are:

1. It hurts as much as it hurts. There is no right or wrong about how much the loss of a pet "should" hurt. The fact is that our pets are family members; they aren’t “just” anything; and anyone who says “It was just a cat” is demonstrating a gross lack of understanding. And the loss of a family member should be painful.
2. It takes as long as it takes. There is no set period of time within which grieving should end, not for the loss of a parent, or a child, or a spouse, or a friend, or a pet. Some people do their grieving quickly; others of us take longer, and it’s important to take whatever time you need to complete your grieving. And remember, this is still a family member we’re talking about. People who say “It’s already been six months; don’t you think it’s time you got over the death of your cat?” would never think of saying “It’s already been six months; don’t you think it’s time you got over the death of your mother?” No, I’m not saying that your cat was as important to you as your mother. I am saying that grief doesn’t always make that kind of fine distinction, and if you expect it to do so you’re going to be seriously confused and hurt.
3. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to cut the process short, or avoid it altogether, merely ensures that you will never complete it.

Our pets make a place for themselves in our hearts, and when they pass it leaves a hole behind. In many ways, the loss of a pet is an amputation; a part of ourselves has been removed, and we will never get that part back. But we have options about how to deal with the loss. If we acknowledge the wound and take proper care of it then it can heal cleanly, and eventually it gets better. There will always be a cat-shaped hole in our hearts, but the time comes when we can remember the cat who made that hole with more affection than pain, when his or her life is once again more important to us than her or his death. But if we try to pretend that we haven’t been wounded, if we cover it up and avoid grieving, we keep the wound from healing properly. It isn’t grief that’s toxic (though it’s certainly painful) but the attempted denial of grief. That puts a huge strain on both our minds and our bodies and leaves us vulnerable both to clinical depression, like I suffered from, and to all of the physical ills that can be caused or exacerbated by stress.

 

[Mighty Orange]

Still grieving over my loss of my Batman over 2 years ago. If the cat was your life buddy, you will remember him until you die and meet again. The grieving lessens over time. You will never forget him you loved him as he loved you.

 

[di and bob]

I still cry 10 years later. But I can report it is NOT all consuming and crushing like it was in the beginning. Though they are gone they still hold a part of your soul and your life. You will never forget what you shared with them, nor would you ever want to. There is life after a death, it is hard, but you realize that they would never want to be the reason for your sadness. Just as if you were the first to go you would never want them to be sad forever. Eventually, gratitude for having what you had with them replaces a lot of the sadness.
They live on through us now. love is spiritual so eternal. You honor your little one by remembering and mourning their death. just as passing on what they taught you about love to another little one is one of the greatest tributes you can give. Their love is as unique as a snowflake so can never be duplicated, but having love for another little one can be fulfilling and bring happiness to your life. A heart that will not dare to love again is an empty vessel. Fill it with more love.
You can never know true love and happiness until you know the pain of loss and grief. until you have sunk to the lowest depths you then have nowhere else to go but up. Letting love once more enter your life is like the sun rising on a new day after a cold dark night. But first, you have to grieve and live one day at a time...........

 

[Mia6]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Love,
Mia

 

[doomsdave]

Ted P nice to meet you and welcome!

So sad to hear of your situation. I've had many kitties over 46 years, and most have passed. I miss the ones who have, the pain of missing them doesn't go away, it becomes a part of you. It becomes bearable. You remember the happy times, and that adds to the joy of being with the ones still living. I hope you see fit to adopt another kitty; you'll feel better, and there's so many out there that need love so much.

Please let us know how you are. No shame in sharing pain! Sometimes healing takes a while, as others have noted.

 

[StephMo]

I'm really sorry for your loss of a special soul-kitty . The depth of grief you feel is proportional to how much love and understanding existed between you two. That love deserves to be honored for as long as you need to. There's no one-size-fits-all timeline, but the 10 month mark was when the dark cloud lifted for me in a notable way. The pain is still there and probably always will be - but no longer in a way that can inhibit joy from other sources

The biggest thing I did during the deepest part of grief that helped in the most notable way was not very conventional: The social pressure to "move on faster than I was ready to" made the pain worse. I got tired of being honest about how crappy I was doing because it was a huge downer to whoever was listening, but I didn't want to lie about it either. So I stopped interacting with humans in my private life for about 8 months, literally. No dinners, no dating, no social media, hardly any texting, no commitments on the calendar. This gave my heart and mind the space they needed to recognize and honor my loss without the added guilt of disappointing other humans who wanted me to be my "old bubbly self" a lot sooner than I was ready to. I also have a counselor who gets paid to listen to the dark aspects of grief, and that helps. You likely can't fathom it right now, but later on down the road you'll be in a place where you're able to love again.

 

[Margot Lane]

I cannot possibly add to the eloquent statements above by everyone, but agree that sharing eases some of the pain, if you ever care to tell us more about your kitty.

 

[KK300]

I lost my Sammy 2 years ago, he was my 'soul cat'. I still miss him every single day, and still cry when I think about him when alone at home because he should be here with me. He was special to me, we had a real connection, and I miss that every day.

 

[marshmallow2013]

My deepest condolences to you.
It been almost 10 months and I still cry for the loss of my beloved Mittens. But I adopted a 9 month old kitten who needed a loving home, just 5 weeks after Mittens passed. He is a sweetheart and has helped me cope with the sadness.

 

[doomsdave]

Ted P how are you? Okay I hope, or at least as okay as possible. Kindly advise.