Anyone else burned out?

[hyperf]

Pepper is 12. I adopted her from a local shelter when she was 6. They said she was adopted out and sadly brought back multiple times. I didn't question why. Not long after bringing her home I noticed something was off about her. She had all of the symptoms of feline hyperesthesia syndrome (FHS). At first multiple vets ignored my concerns, but then Pepper started self-mutilating and had to have her tail amputated. Eventually a vet spoke to a well-respected behaviorist who confirmed my concerns. She's now been doing well on gabapentin twice daily and has been for years.

The thing is that even aside from the FHS, she's a difficult cat. Everything I try to do results in scratches. I have so many scars. After years of this, I'm starting to get burned out to the extent that she doesn't provide me joy anymore. I give her all that I have (so much time and money making sure she's healthy and comfortable) and feel like i get treated like crap in return. It's hard for me to be affectionate with a creature who's made my life difficult for so many years. Not too long ago one of her nails was growing into her paw pad. I sedated her with a higher dose of gabapentin and trimmed it. Even sedated with the max dose of gabapentin she still suck her claws in and wouldn't let go. I would love to be able to routinely trim her nails to avoid this in the first place, but doing so results in so much aggression. Biting and scratches that draw blood. She's getting older now, so she doesn't groom herself as well as she used to. I've taken on this role, but as you might expect...I get torn to shreds. I can't do anything without sedating her. I can't take her to the vet without sedating her (the vet's request). I can't brush her without sedating her. I can't clip her mats without sedating her. I can't clean her ears without sedating her. I can barely sedate her without sedating her! And even while sedated, she still doesn't tolerate it completely. I do as much as I can until she starts to scratch and then wait 10 minutes or so.

It's just been so frustrating. She's getting older and doesn't have long and I know it's not her fault, but it's like being in a bad relationship. How am I supposed to love this little thing that wants to destroy me every chance she gets?? And as she gets older, I know she'll need more and more care. She was recently diagnosed with early stage kidney disease, which adds even more care to the ever growing list. *sigh*

 

[Anchoress]

(((HUGS)))) Can you do less grooming etc? many cats do less as they age. Her ears will surely come to no harm. Also a lot of this could be side effects of the meds/withdrawal etc? Try and see.

 

[rubysmama]

H hyperf : Just seeing this thread now. So sorry for all you're dealing with in caring for Pepper, but thank you for adopting her and giving her a safe home. It's no wonder you're feeling so burnt out though.

To protect from bites and scratches, have you looked into bite proof gloves?
Amazon.com : bite proof gloves

 

[KittyFriday]

I can't say much as I don't deal with this personally, but I do have a dog with severe anxiety and reactivity and that feeling of being burned out is one I am extremely familiar with. Just know that you have given this cat the best possible life imaginable; in another home she likely wouldn't still be around. It's hard, and I'm sure you feel guilty at times for negative feelings towards her (I certainly do) but at the end of the day you are an absolute rockstar.

 

[__caitlin]

Hi — I have been thinking about your situation my sister has some experience caring for cats with difficult behavior issues + chronic terminal illnesses. Not sure if you’re still online, but she had some advice on the emotional side of things that might bring some comfort —

—
Burnout is very real, yes. I used to have a senior cat from an abusive household who was declawed and, despite our close relationship, would routinely bite me and others (usually to the point of drawing blood), often times without any clear provocation - not to mention he had a habit of peeing anywhere in the house that he liked, which would then spur on the other cats to pee outside the litterboxes as well… lol. I also spent some time caring for two cats with late stage kidney failure, which, while they didn’t tend to attack much, was definitely an intense and emotionally-draining daily care schedule of what always felt like few successes and seemingly infinite failures.

One thing to remember is that, when exhausted and burnt out, it becomes harder to task manage and prioritize - and we often end up raising the standard we hold ourselves to when we should be cutting ourselves more slack. Things that feel really imperative can often wait a few days, and usually the cats themselves need that extra space and alone time as much as we do. It’s nice to take care of matted fur and overgrown nails, but if it does end up going undone for a while while you let yourself emotionally recuperate, she probably won’t suffer any significant decrease in her overall quality of life.

For me, a critical contributor to burnout was always my own micromanagement of my emotions. I think when you love animals, it’s easy to feel a lot of guilt and shame when you feel yourself becoming annoyed or impatient. But I always found myself more overwhelmed and less capable when I would deny my annoyance and my personal (emotional, physical) limits and continue pushing myself. It’s truly okay to just feel angry sometimes, or to go long stretches of time without feeling affection for your pet. Like in any relationship, we go through phases of good and bad feelings - as long as you’re not outright abusing or neglecting her, it’s okay to sometimes not “like” having her. It doesn’t suddenly make you a bad person or pet parent.

On a related note, it’s helpful to keep in mind that no matter how we anthropomorphize them or relate to them, cats are still cats - they can’t speak and tell us what they want, what’s bothering them, or how they really feel about us. Our own feelings of hurt, exhaustion, and inadequacy can really easily begin to color how we interpret animal behavior - leading to us questioning their motives, whether or not they love us at all, whether or not we’re doing them any good. But the fact of the matter is that communication between humans and animals (and sometimes between humans and other humans) is really clumsy and incomplete, and there may be no effective or responsible way to assign sentiment/intentions to your pet’s behavior. She doesn’t hate you or wish you harm; she just doesn’t know how to communicate the feelings that she does have, and, similarly, doesn’t know how to interpret your actions or words either.

But given that you’ve cared for her for 6 years when multiple people had given up on her, and that you truly put in time and energy into understanding her and her pain, I can confidently assume her life is better for having you in it, and this will be true even if on some days not all tasks get completed. Though cats certainly aren’t the first animals to express gratitude, I’m sure it’s how she would feel about you - even if that never gets communicated, or if she seems to return your care with hurt. You seem to have done a good job listening to her all of these years. She will forgive you if you take some time for yourself.

(And of course it’s always a tricky situation, but having a cat-experienced friend or two who can bundle up their arms and legs and hold her down for some necessary treatments goes a long way - it’s intimidating to ask for help, even from those we trust, but if anyone in your life fits the bill, it could be worth it to ask.)

—

My own advice is to echo her last paragraph: do you have anyone around who can help you with things? I’m going through something similar and, even though most of my life has been upended, having someone who can babysit for even a while so I can go to the gym, etc has made a big difference. Even if it isn’t cat related, having someone who can help with the non-cat related things — cleaning, groceries, moral support, etc — can make a difference.

 

[hyperf]

C __caitlin KittyFriday A Anchoress rubysmama

Thank you all so very much! I can't properly express how appreciative I am of your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot and has definitely given me fuel to keep trudging along. My girl has been good since I made my post and it has allowed me (and her!) to relax a little bit. I think I do hold myself to a high standard of care. I feel she deserves that, as all animals do. But I will definitely be stepping back more often in order to allow myself and Pepper to regroup! I have acquired a pair of thick gloves and hope they will make a difference in future grooming sessions! I may also enlist the help of my boyfriend more often in the future. The reason I don't currently is because he's terrified of Pepper! I can handle being roughed up, but I don't think he'd step within a food of her again if he was scratched. And Caitlin, please give my thanks to your sister. She should write a book on her experiences with cats. I would buy it!

 

[rubysmama]

Yeah, Pepper for being a good girl since your mom posted her thread. Remember she loves you.

H hyperf : you mention being able to relax a bit. That could help, actually, as cats sense our nervousness or stress, and that can stress them out.

Any picture of sweet Pepper you can share with us. It's always nice to put a face to the name.
How To Add A Picture To Your Forum Post – TheCatSite Articles