Anticipatory Grief... Far In Advance.....

[vikinggirl34]

I am having an issue with pre-grieving the inevitable day that I'll have to have my cat put down.

I am currently "cat mom" of the 10th cat in my lifetime. That's been over a period of 30 years. I was telling my husband this morning that "I just can't do it anymore." If you know what I mean.

I really don't want to adopt again after we put this next cat down whenever that may be. She is only 12 years old and fairly healthy but I just know what I've been through in the past and how painful it is. And I just can't do it anymore. I'm crying as I write this.

I went to pick up medication for my cat today at the veterinarian and once I got in the car I started crying uncontrollably just thinking about the day will have to put her down. Some of the worst days of my life is when I had to have one of my kitties put to sleep and then come home bury them. I'm just having a lot of anxiety about my cat now because I know the pain I've been through. I think the older I get the harder it gets too.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

One of the hard lessons that our cats teach us is to love, knowing that we will lose, and also knowing that we can love again. How sad would it be if the lesson you took from this beloved friend was only loss? Of course, you have to take time before taking on another cat, I do know that. HOWEVER...

That time is not yet. Don't lose your todays by anticipating tomorrows that may be years from now. As John Lennon once so wisely said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." She is with you now. Love her, celebrate her, be joyous in your todays with her, and let tomorrow worry about itself. She may outlive you, you know. We are promised nothing but this moment, and it behooves us to live fully in it, fully present to the joy of NOW. I know that is much easier to say sometimes than to do, but do try. It is the best way to honor the cat who is STILL in your life!

 

[margd]

You are not alone in feeling this way. I've known other people, my father among them, who lived pet free rather than ever go through the deep pain of saying good-bye to another one. Whenever I think of losing either Chula and Paul, I have to change the "thoughts channel" right away because the pain from just thinking of it is so overwhelming.

Your post indicates that you were just writing to reach out to other cat lovers rather than asking for advice so I'll just say that I think it would be easier for you to focus on the happy time you have with her now. That's easier said than done, sometimes, I know. It's just that too much time spent in dreading the future means missing out on enjoying the present - right now your girl is still with you and may be for many more years. She will pick up on your unhappiness, too, since cats are so sensitive to the emotions of their humans.

You mentioned that you're having a problem with this - I'm wondering if the ASPCA grief hotline would provide some comfort and help you cope with it a bit better. I think one of the reasons that you are feeling such intense feelings of "pre-grief" is because you are still grieving for other cats who have gone before. It's not necessary to have just lost a cat to call them, though. They are also great at talking with people who are struggling as you are, with the prospect of losing a deeply loved friend.

ASPCA Pet Loss Hotline at (877) GRIEF-10. (877-474-3310)

 

[vikinggirl34]

Mamanyt1953

One of the hard lessons that our cats teach us is to love, knowing that we will lose, and also knowing that we can love again.

And I have loved, lost and loved again..over and over. My cats have been one of the highlights of my life. I like the John Lennon quote..love the Beatles.

I do need to "get back in the moment" - I was just surprised how I was overwhelmed earlier by what I was feeling.

margd - I am still grieving the other cats. Once I got home and pulled into the garage, I cried even harder thinking about them and their little snow-covered graves in the back yard.

Thank you both for the compassion and advice.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

vikinggirl34 , my husband felt just like you, several years ago when the last of our "last batch" of cats died. He said he could not go thru the pain of loss again. So...we went for six months with no cats. Then one day he drove me to Petsmart and told me to go inside and pick out a cat to adopt. He couldn't go in with me, because he said this would be MY cat only...he would NOT love it . Well, as it turned out, that very cat turned out to be his soul cat and we had her for fourteen wonderful years. She developed chronic kidney disease and I dreaded to day we would lose her because of what his reaction would be. In the meantime we adopted two more cats, who are still with us, and helped my hubby with his loss when Callie left us. He handled her loss much better than any of us thought he would, possibly because she was chronically ill and he had been a nurse, I don't know But now when we talk about what we would do if anything happens to "the boys", especially because we're getting on up in years ourselves, it's never "we'll never get another cat because I can't bear the loss", it's always "we'll just adopt senior cats!".

 

[vikinggirl34]

mrsgreenjeens - the cat I have now, Janie, was a senior cat when we got her. She was eight years old. That's one reason I picked her out -- because she was one of the oldest cats at the shelter. I figured she would have been over looked because of her age but I wanted her anyway. Plus her "story" on their website was that she had another owner but came in as a stray...assuming she got out of the house and lost. That's another reason I wanted her.

I know the old saying..."never say never" But I really don't think I can again Time will tell if that actually is the case.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I too have the fear of when the time comes for my cats. I guess knowing that it is inevitable is what makes it so hard to deal with.

 

[les26]

I know what you mean, no matter the fact that we know they won't live forever it still is so crushing when we lose them, especially the ones who are so close to our hearts and have special meaning to us like Sylvester is to me, I dread the day that he will leave me but I just love him and the others up while they are here, take the best care of them while I can and try not to think about that day coming hopefully FAR down the line but one never knows when....

I do have to say that ALL of our cats are noticeably doing well and I attribute it to the fact that we give them GNC cat vitamins and fish oil, and if they get sick we use Transfer Factors Plus for their immune system. Even our old boy Simba who we guess has to be around 12 or older (he as the others were strays so we don't know) is very spry, full of life so this has to be helping them!

And this time of year, the Holidays, dark and cold, short days, can make us feel more emotional and perhaps a bit depressed, and it is easy to think bad rather than good, but the fact that it upset you so just proves how much you love them and want to keep them for as long as you can!

God Bless......

 

[edie56]

when we baby she was already 12 yrs old we had her for 5 yrs she was the best behaved kitty we ever had last febuary she started getting chf she was put to sleep a month later it took almost 6 months before mom said we couild get another one

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Thank you both for the compassion and advice.

Darlin, that is what makes TCS the very special place that it is...we are THERE for each other, through the hard times and the joyous times. We are there. All of us.

 

[di and bob]

You are not alone at all.....I get pangs in my heart thinking forward to the day I will lose my babies, because I have been there, and still have nightmares and memories of those I have lost in the past.But as you most likely know by now, there is no way to 'prepare' for the end, it still is a shock to our hearts and terrible void in our lives. Why bring all this loss to your soul early. Put those terrible thoughts to the back and bring forward the present. Your little girl is there now and needs you, not a part of you. You can do nothing to ever change the past, the future is yours to form by your actions today. Don't bring all those preminations to life, don't lose the joy of the moment because you are dwelling in the past or the future, neither are yours to command. I know it's hard, especially as we get closer to feeling our own mortality. But don't lose out on living by feeling afraid to get hurt, it doesn't work.
We will always lose those we love in our lives, especially if we live long enough. Be thankful you had the privilege of knowing each and every one of them. We keep them alive in our hearts through the wonderful memories we build loving them.The bonds you form with each and every one will keep your souls tied together, their new paths will parallel yours for eternity. Until the day your paths once more cross at the end of your own life's journey.
Kiss that little girl and tell her how much you love her, that is all she wants in this world. And when she leaves, she wants you to be happy in knowing her, in loving her, not be sad. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go. Not having her, or any of the others, in your life would have been unthinkable. Yes, it hurts when they leave, but the joy of loving them far outweighs the pain of loss. Take care, and come back anytime you need to, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.....

 

[vikinggirl34]

The bonds you form with each and every one will keep your souls tied together, their new paths will parallel yours for eternity. Until the day your paths once more cross at the end of your own life's journey.

di and bob - I do believe that - I will get to see them all again one joyful day -- I look forward to giving them all a big "head bump" and rubbing faces

 

[4Puns&Honor]

I'm so sorry both you and your cat are going through this. It may feel like it, but you are not alone, and it never gets easier. I went through this before putting my senior cat down after he lost his fight to cancer. The anticipatory lead-up, whether in days, weeks, or months is ulcer-inducingly brutal.

Most people in this thread have already given solid advice, so all I can think to add is this. Don't wait. Take lots of pictures and video now. Make sure to back up previous pictures too.

Give yourself and your family space and permission to grieve. It's okay. Just don't forget to continue to love and cuddle your cat too, even if it's emotionally painful.
On the back end, you might feel shock. numb, or even relief. Whatever you feel, just feel it.

I miss mine even after two years, and that is how long it took for me to adopt again. If you don't, you don't. If you do, you do. Let the future take care of itself. For now, your kitty needs all the snuggles for whatever time you have together.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I just re-read this thread, and was struck by this...I saw it when you first said it, but this time something came to me...

I cried even harder thinking about them and their little snow-covered graves in the back yard.

We do that. We all do. But remember, that is just the part of them that no longer serves their great hearts and gentle spirits. Like a worn coat, it was discarded, but they go on, still loving us, still being with us in a wholly different form, still waiting for us to take off our own heavy coats and join them dancing on the air.

 

[Furballsmom]

I'm just throwing this thought out there, as i'm in the same boat - the big guy is 13 and currently hale and hearty but it's gonna be he-- when the time comes however/whenever it comes. What would you think about stopping in at a shelter and give some cats there some lovins? or even some dogs - they need attention just as much, and if you can find an English bully or a rotty or any young dog really - they're such a total hoot. it might hurt worse, oddly enough, but it might be a distraction to the point that you're able to come back home with a clearer mind/lighter heart for your baby and human fam.

 

[gareth]

My cats Loki and Mia are 4 and a half years old and I already dread the day I lose them. My heart aches for whichever one is left behind goes, perhaps more than my own grief I dread having to watch one of my beloved cats go through it themselves.

MY daughter is 10 months old and I thank god she is alive every day. I occasionally have a nightmare that she becomes ill and wake up cold.

It's perfectly natural to worry about losing the things we love. It's only a problem if it starts to become an obsession, or starts to affect your day to day life.

 

[Timmer]

I go through what you are going through too. I believe many people do. It's because we love so deeply.

I had a cat named Pickles for 18 years and the last several years of her life I gave her enemas here at home because she had mega colon and couldn't go on her own. I cried all the time knowing I'd have to let her go. I let her live way longer than she probably should have or would have on her own.

And I just said good bye to my soulmate Timmer on Friday. He was only sick since November. The vets kept giving me hope. I had so many tests ran on him and he was on drugs, but not responding at all and in a lot of pain. I feel guilty now that I didn't give him a few more days and keep trying. I cried knowing what was coming. Even our wonderful vet told me you are making the right decision.

I have another cat -- she is older -- I just figured she would go first because she's older but ...not so. It was a shock to lose Tim because I had counted on a long life together. But from the moment I got him I decided I was going to love him every single day to the fullest because one day we would part. So that's what I did and maybe that's why the hole in my heart is so huge. Because we loved each other fiercely. I wouldn't trade our days for anything. So love your kitty up! Please do. Live one day at a time. In the present, not the future.

 

[mightyboosh]

I'm another one that dreads the day and I've thought about it many times. It won't get us anywhere thinking like that though and it can spoil what we have in the here and now. It's our personalities though and easier said than done to tell ourselves that we're being silly.

 

[Purr-fect]

I also worry about loosing my boys. They are only 4 years old, but arnold is 22 lbs and while only a couple of pounds overweight, big animals dont seem to live as long as smaller trim ones do.

I will be devastated when he is gone. We have had many cats over the years but none have been as close to me as arnold.

I use my fear of loosing him is a reminder that each moment we spend together is special and not to be wasted.

But I know that eventually when he is gone, its almost a certainty that we will adopt another cat......as we adopted arnold and greg.

There are too many cats out there needing a good home. As long as I am able to provide that, we will continue to improve a cat (s) life with food shelter, love, healthcare ect.

Yes the end is always painful.....but I am willing to suffer that pain if it improves the lives of other cats. When I see the miserable existence some of them face and compare that to how we we could improve their lives...........its almost a responsibility to me.