Another baby question

[debby]

I have another question...hope you all don't mind...but I get such good advice here, and it really helps me alot to get your input.

There are several times when Amber has been fed, changed, and cuddled for quite awhile, that she starts to fall asleep so I put her down in her crib, and then 15 minutes later she is crying, wanting to be picked back up and held somemore. I don't usually mind this, because I love holding her, but sometimes I need a little break, or need to get some things done, or need to get some sleep myself.

I have had many friends and family members tell me that by rushing back in and picking her back up, I am teaching her that everytime she cries, someone will be right there, and that this will make her cry all the more. They said that if I know she has been fed, and her diaper is clean, I should just let her cry sometimes.

I also read the same thing in a couple of my baby books, and they said it doesn't make you a bad mother to let them cry for awhile sometimes.

Problem is I DO feel bad when she cries, and I can't stand hearing her cry and not going in to her. Not because the crying is bothering me, but because I know she is unhappy and it makes me feel bad!!

There are conflicting views on this as well....the book Anne sent me (Dr. Sears) says this is wrong to let the baby cry like that, even if all her needs have been met, and she should be picked up when she cries. But the other books say it is a good thing to not rush in and pick them up everytime they cry, and that sometimes you just have to let them cry for awhile.

So what are your views on this??? I feel so terrible when she cries...but yet I have had friends say that they knew people who picked the baby up every time it cried, and that now their child cries constantly, and wants to be held constantly, ect...

Am I being a "bad" mother if I just let her cry for awhile sometimes, as long as I know she has been fed and changed? I have a hard time with just letting her cry. I feel so bad doing this...but yet, I don't want to pick her up everytime if it is going to cause problems down the road. And sometimes I just really need to get some sleep or fix supper, etc, and there is noone else around to hold her.

What are your opinions on this? How did you all handle this situation?

 

[dtolle]

There is nothing wrong with letting a baby cry for a bit. I don't mean hysterical screaming, like she is in pain or something. I just mean, a normal cry. I used to let my babies cry for 10 min or so each time I layed them down and they eventually learned to soothe themselves.

If you rush in to her every time, she will get spoiled. She will come to realize that with every little noise, mommy will pick her up. And although you may want to hold her a lot, the time will come when you need time for yourself. You can't always be toting baby w/ you.

So, there is nothing wrong with a few minutes of crying. Its good for her to learn to settle herself down too, and not to rely on you holding her all the time to calm her. Its hard to do, I know from experience. Just turn on the tv and try to block her out ( of course check on her every few minutes just to be sure ), and eventually she'll learn to occupy herself.

 

[debby]

Thanks Daniela! I really value your opinions!! You are such a good mother, and it is so nice to get advice from others who have been in the same situation.

 

[katl8e]

Actually, some crying is good for babies. It helps strengthen their lungs and diaphragms.

Daniela is right, picking her up, every time she cries, will reinforce the crying. Beleieve it or not, babies CAN become little tyrants. They learn, very quickly, that the world revolves around them and before you know it, you have one of those "rotten little kids" that most of us rail about.

As long as Amber is fed and dry and not in pain, let her cry a bit. Usually, they cry themselves to sleep. Do you use a pacifier? I found that was a wonderful little item, for both of my boys. The sucking soothes them. Forget the old wives' tales about pacifiers causing jaw deformities and teeth growing in crooked. Mark and Richard are both square-jawed handsome young men.

 

[dtolle]

Awww, Debby, thanks for your kind words. I try to be the best mom I can be, but nothing is as good a teacher as experience. And the longer you are a mom the more comfortable you will feel.

Yola has a great post. She said it perfectly, its good for their lungs and diaphrams to cry a bit. And as long as they are fed and dry and not sick, let her cry! It won't hurt her, and in the end you'll be glad you did!! She will grow up happy and able to entertain herself.

 

[7cozycats]

if you hold her every time she crys now. it will be harder on you in the long run. i made the same mistake with my daughter when she was a baby. i was still packing her on my hip when she was 2. if you break her now it will be less heartbreaking than if you try and do it later. it will NOT make you a bad mommy.

 

[debby]

Thanks guys! I really appreciate the advice!!!!!

 

[neesey]

Debby,

This advice is coming from a fellow Mum with 4 children.

There is nothing wrong with using the 'controlled crying' method. It never did mine any harm. My 6 year old daughter, cried non stop from birth to 12 months of age. Im sure you can imagine how depressing this was for me.

Sometimes, when I felt I couldnt cope (I had mild PND after she was born) I used to lay her in her cot, close the door, letting her scream for a few minutes. I was always in ear shot, to make sure she was okay. Then return to her, settle her, and repeated this until she was contented. At times, id go out of the room and shout loudly, to help my self calm down. All this is normal behaviour. (I used to moderate a forum on this on another UK Internet site

)

Please dont feel guilty about letting Amber cry. ALl babies cry, but some more than others. I had 2 'criers' one 'in between' and one placid little girl (Who is 9 now, and a pain! LOL)

Im afraid I dont know how old you baby is, but is she suffering from colic? Does she use a dummy (soother?) Does she have a comfort blanket? Both my sons have these, and they love them! If shes older, is she teething? If you are bottle feeding, check the flow of the teat. Sometimes the slower flow teats can cause colic or wind in young babies. My 4 were all on fast flow teats at 6 weeks of age (I breastfed them all, but added the occasional milk feed.

I hope you dont think Im sticking my nose in, but I know a lot more about babies, than I do about cats

Which is why I love you guys so much

 

[whisker's mom]

Well....

I guess I am one of the few that was not able to let my baby cry. I just couldn't do it. And trust me.....one is 7 and one is 4 and boy, I can assure you that there is no problem with either one's diaphram or lungs! :LOL: And yes....they are spoiled. But not in a bad way. Guess I was lucky.

Mind you, neither one cried non-stop and I did get things done around the house so, I had no reason to really let them cry it out. I had many breaks during the day. If you are not able to put Amber down for a few minutes a day, then you may have no choice but to let her find out what "patience" is.

I did find one trick though, when Steven or Nicolas would fall asleep in my arms (which I am guilty of having let happen often) I would tell my husband to go into the room and place the heating pad on "low" and then I would wait another 5 minutes before carrying them to bed. I noticed if I laid one down on a cold mattress, it was an instant wake up call for either one. The warm cozy feeling on the warm mattress almost guaranteed me 100% results. I also purchased a teddy bear that simulates the mom's heartbeat. That, was a huge hit.

Either way Debby, you alone know when your baby is "really" crying or just crying for attention. I'm sure you will find a method that suits the both of you.

My doctor said to me once: "Do you like sleeping in a big bed all by yourself?" (I was too embarrased to say "YES!!!" so I said "NO") The he asked me why I thought my newborn would like being all alone in a bed. I kind of pondered this on and off for a while because, like many have said, they do need to learn to be alone and to entertain themselves but....after being with you 24 hours a day for the past 9 months, I think it is probably hard for a newborn to understand what "alone" really is. I think, in time, Amber will do just fine. Right now, she is just going through a mini-baby separation anxiety. She wants her mommy back the way it used to be.

Hang in there, it'll all fall into place.

Myself.....I remember falling asleep in my big lazy-boy holding Steven or Nicolas and having my husband throw a blanket over the two of us. Time flies and it's moments like that that you cherish forever. And yes.....everyone did tell me I was crazy and that my boys would be spoiled and that I'd never have a moment to myself. To me, it was worth it, and still is.

So....I guess my answer would be "no, I wouldn't let my baby cry -". But do try the heating pad (or heating bottle) trick. It does work!!!!

Good luck!

 

[jeanie g.]

I used the hot water bottle also, when the babies had colic. Colic is painful, and sometimes the doctor has to give you mild medication. When my babies had colic, we held them, walked them, gave them warm water, hot water bottles, rubbed their backs, sang to them, anything to make them feel better. In fact, I was such an over-protective mother I stayed up all night to "protect" my son from colic, and took him to the doctor the next day. I was exhausted from as many as 3 solid hours of him crying and me trying everything possible to help him.

BUT, and it's a big but (no secretary spread pun intended), usually, babies who are over stimulated by being picked up immediately cannot go to sleep by themselves, so I recommend that you let the baby cry for a while, using your own knowledge of your baby, experience, and common sense to tell you when she's cried too long. Of course, as others have told you, you should know that the baby is not hungry, too hot, too cold, or in any pain. If the baby is over tired, pat her little bottom, rub her back gently, and hum or sing softly. Of course, my doctors told me to put my babies on their tummies to prevent aspiration of spit-up, so that made that option easier. Now, the doctors advise putting the baby on their backs. The happy medium would be to put her on her side. Prop her in that position, and you will be able to pat her little bottom. It's soothing.

 

[neesey]

Carrying baby in a sling also helps. Although baby is close to your skin, there is less contact.

A friend of mine used to let her son twiddle with her hair until he fell asleep, hes 8 now, and still sleeps in his mother bed

 

[whisker's mom]

Hmmmmm.....8 years old does seem a little bit old to be sleeping in mommy's bed but, everyone's view on that differs.

I honestly enjoy when my 4 and 7 year old climb into our bed to cuddle once in a while and we are guilty of taking a sunday afternoon nap all together! But.....there comes a time when sleeping in their own bed is no longer an option, it's a necessity. The only thing I have a problem with now is that my 4 year old always wants to share the bed with his brother.

I was never for the back or stomach sleeping position. It was always on the side. It used to drive me crazy when I'd wake up a couple of hours later to find that they had comfortably slipped into a back position on their own.

I used the heating pad regularily. I did go through a colicky stage also......oh boy am I glad those days are gone!

Debby, do you have a bassinet by your bed or is she in her own room? Sometimes just rocking the cradle helps.

 

[deb25]

Debby:

I pretty much agree with everything that the others have said, but I will add one note to the contrary. At this tiny little age, you can't spoil her just yet. She is so new in the world and when you hold her and cuddle her, you are letting her know that she is loved and cared for. That will help her to develop her sense of security in the world. I say the sling is a great way to keep her close, and still be able to get a few things done. Plus you get the added exercise of carrying around the extra weight!


BTW, you've been at this mommy thing for at least a couple of weeks now. You don't have all the answers yet? :tounge2:

 

[katl8e]

My youngest brother was colicky and wouldn't go to sleep, unless I rocked him. Once he DID get to sleep, Mom put him in his crib and shut the bedroom door. Woe betide the one, who woke him up! Mom would KILL!

When my Mark was 2 mos. old, he had to be hospitalized. Due to his digestive problems, he got nothing by mouth, for 2 months; just IVs. I slept, sitting up in a chair, holding him. Once he was back to normal, though it was into the crib ALONE. He took to it very well. He DID sleep with stuffed animals, until he was about 12. He had so many, I had to make him pick two each night. Otherwise, there was no room in the bed for him. He, also had a cat that picked him as a bed buddy.

 

[jugen]

Debby, I have no answers for you as I have no kids but I just wanted to say, No matter what you choose, you will be nothing more then a great mom! I;m sure that everyone here will agree with me on this.

 

[debby]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice!!! And no, Neesey, you aren't sticking your nose in, I am very happy to get your advice here!

She doesn't have colic. I can't remember who asked, but I know she doesn't because I have a friend whose baby has it and the difference is unbelievable. Every time I call her her baby is crying in the background and she cries for hours and hours at a time. Amber doesn't do this. In fact today she didn't cry at all, except just when she would first wake up, and then I would go in and get her and change and feed her.
I only have the problem once in awhile when she has been fed, changed and cuddled for awhile and I go to put her down in her crib so I can get some sleep or do something around the house, and she cries for awhile before she falls asleep. This isn't a huge problem, because usually she is ready for sleep when I put her back down, but sometimes she isn't, and I am in desperate need of a break or some sleep, so that is when she cries for awhile. I just wanted your input on if it was okay for me to let her cry for a bit at these times.
It sounds like it is, so I am not going to worry so much.

She is a very good baby...although I don't think there is such a thing as a "bad" baby.

People always ask me if she is a good baby, and I always think that is a silly question...babies aren't bad. They aren't crying to be annoying or selfish, they are crying because it is all they know how to do to communicate unhappiness, bordom, sleepiness, hunger, etc.

Anyway...I appreciate all the advice. You have helped me alot!!! THANKS!!!!

 

[neesey]

Originally posted by Whisker's mom


I honestly enjoy when my 4 and 7 year old climb into our bed to cuddle once in a while and we are guilty of taking a sunday afternoon nap all together! But.....there comes a time when sleeping in their own bed is no longer an option, it's a necessity. The only thing I have a problem with now is that my 4 year old always wants to share the bed with his brother.

We do that too!

Its great to all (6) of us, lay in bed watching TV on a Sunday morning. Mind you, I normally get kicked out to make the tea!