Yesterday I lost the love of my life (LomL). He died in hospital, but I had been fortunate to be able to spend the last 48 hours of his life with him in his hospital room.
Life hadn’t always been easy living with LomL – 15 happy, busy years followed by 10 years in which he refused to leave the house, rejected professional help and, although still able to hold an intelligent conversation, retreated more and more into his own world. The past 14 months he has been living in a care home but with countless days spent at various hospitals. But he loved me till the end and, although, since his illnesses, his relations were pressing him to go back to his hometown, he always refused.
I have been visiting him almost daily but, apart from his brother in America, during our entire lifetime together we haven’t even seen any of his family. He hadn’t bothered visiting his hometown since 1984 when his older brother died.
His closest family consists of 2 brothers – one in USA, whom I met once when he was lecturing in Germany, a kind and understanding man. The younger brother has always lived in their hometown in Germany about 5 hours away from here. He lives alone and has no family. Even when we were staying only a short distance away in Hamburg neither LomL nor his brother made the effort to meet either in Hamburg or in their hometown. His sister-in-law, nephew and niece live in other towns in Germany, all separated by many hours of driving.
And now to the funeral. LomL is not religious he never wanted a grave in a cemetery. A sea burial perhaps or a spot in my garden with the deceased cats – but that’s not allowed in this strange country. We never married; his brothers are his heirs. I have no problem with that – though he’s not poor! But I do have a problem with the fact that his younger brother (no children) wants to take his remains back to their hometown for burial. He is searching for a suitable place and hopes for my approval, expecting me to attend the funeral.
For me it is bad enough losing someone whom I’ve been living with for nearly 25 years, but I can’t face a proper funeral with strangers so far away. I would prefer to continue believing that he is near me and perhaps make my own shrine. My family would support me and I don’t need his remains to do that. I don’t want to experience having to attend a show of celebrating his departure and watching him being buried in a strange town and place so far away where I’ve never been before. They can do that in my absence and I can keep my dreams.
Naturally, if things were entirely up to me, he would have a tree burial locally where I would join him when it came to my turn. The brother and his wife in America would support me there but perhaps “family” – even if it is a frustrated old bachelor - must get his way.
Sorry for the vent – at least I’ve stopped crying writing all this down. But I still feel very sad. I have tried to explain how I feel but some decision will have to be made by Wednesday and my strength is running out. Clearing out his room at the care home, coping with the staff there so obviously begging for money, when the only thank-you presents allowed are home-made or home-baked items which would be unkind to refuse. Why is life so complicated?
Life hadn’t always been easy living with LomL – 15 happy, busy years followed by 10 years in which he refused to leave the house, rejected professional help and, although still able to hold an intelligent conversation, retreated more and more into his own world. The past 14 months he has been living in a care home but with countless days spent at various hospitals. But he loved me till the end and, although, since his illnesses, his relations were pressing him to go back to his hometown, he always refused.
I have been visiting him almost daily but, apart from his brother in America, during our entire lifetime together we haven’t even seen any of his family. He hadn’t bothered visiting his hometown since 1984 when his older brother died.
His closest family consists of 2 brothers – one in USA, whom I met once when he was lecturing in Germany, a kind and understanding man. The younger brother has always lived in their hometown in Germany about 5 hours away from here. He lives alone and has no family. Even when we were staying only a short distance away in Hamburg neither LomL nor his brother made the effort to meet either in Hamburg or in their hometown. His sister-in-law, nephew and niece live in other towns in Germany, all separated by many hours of driving.
And now to the funeral. LomL is not religious he never wanted a grave in a cemetery. A sea burial perhaps or a spot in my garden with the deceased cats – but that’s not allowed in this strange country. We never married; his brothers are his heirs. I have no problem with that – though he’s not poor! But I do have a problem with the fact that his younger brother (no children) wants to take his remains back to their hometown for burial. He is searching for a suitable place and hopes for my approval, expecting me to attend the funeral.
For me it is bad enough losing someone whom I’ve been living with for nearly 25 years, but I can’t face a proper funeral with strangers so far away. I would prefer to continue believing that he is near me and perhaps make my own shrine. My family would support me and I don’t need his remains to do that. I don’t want to experience having to attend a show of celebrating his departure and watching him being buried in a strange town and place so far away where I’ve never been before. They can do that in my absence and I can keep my dreams.
Naturally, if things were entirely up to me, he would have a tree burial locally where I would join him when it came to my turn. The brother and his wife in America would support me there but perhaps “family” – even if it is a frustrated old bachelor - must get his way.
Sorry for the vent – at least I’ve stopped crying writing all this down. But I still feel very sad. I have tried to explain how I feel but some decision will have to be made by Wednesday and my strength is running out. Clearing out his room at the care home, coping with the staff there so obviously begging for money, when the only thank-you presents allowed are home-made or home-baked items which would be unkind to refuse. Why is life so complicated?
