Advice About Horribly Abused Cat

[amaruuk]

Hello kitty people!

So I've been on the lookout for a kitty to add to our wee family the last few months.
(Original advice on deciding to commit to a kitty, with some history on my Petunia here: Contemplating A 2nd Cat)

Tonight I went to see a 'shy', 'nervous' kitty a few hours from here. He's in foster care, as most of them through this organization are, and the foster mom told me a longer visit would probably be best, to get him to come out of his shell.

I've encountered shy cats before. And nervous cats.
This poor fellow was abjectly terrified.
She told me that he doesn't do well with new people, new places, new things. She told me what she knew about his story, and it gave me knots in my stomach.
This boy had been horribly, horribly abused.
He had next to no trust at all for humans left.

I spent 3 hours there, very gently just being around him while he hit under covers. By the end of 3 hrs, with a lot of very slow moving and soft voices, slow blinks and consciously calming my own energy, he'd let me touch his paws (reached them out from his hiding place), and in the last few minutes, let me rub his forehead, and stroke his cheek. More slow blinks, and then he closed his eyes when I gave his forehead a final rub.

The foster was shocked. No one but her had been able to get anywhere near him.

When I left, she texted me to say he'd immediately come out from hiding, which he has never done with any of the others who'd visited him.

For reference, she has pics and video of him out being a snuggle bug with her; he rolls over, he plays, he talks when it's feeding time, he's still very nervous with her, but he does come out for a bit and acts almost like a normal cat. She's had him 2 months.

Now.
I have never nurtured a cat quite this afraid before.
If I do adopt him - my god, where do I start?
I mean, I know about giving him space, being consistent, continuing what I did tonight (which absolutely nearly made me cry, that he let me even touch him).

How do I introduce him to me, get him to trust me, be ok with the apartment and a new place, AND introduce him to my resident snuggle bunny as well?

Petunia will need some time to get used to him - and if he really has spent time around other cats, she may just help to bring him out of his shell, I hope.
But - do I attempt those things one at a time, baby steps simultaneously?
Could Petunia hissing at him drive him further into his shell? Could that traumatize him even further?

I may be able to borrow his cage and familiar bed and toys, cover him and keep him in the living room (petunia sleeps with me and would go insane if she was locked out of the bedroom), keeping miss P in the bedroom until he can even come out on his own.

Should I stick to one room for the whole intro?
Would room swapping (keeping him in his safe space, the cage, spending time in another room with me) be too much for him?

I get the sense this will be a very, very long transition for this poor, sweet boy, and if I actually do attempt this, I want to be damn sure I can actually provide the best experience for him to start to trust, and heal. I don't want to make it worse by doing the wrong thing!

I will have some questions for the organization tomorrow, because I don't want a 'guess' that he's ok with cats, I absolutely need to know. Because if they just think he is, but he's not, this could seriously send him over the edge and I'm afraid he may not return.

My god, you all - I have never, ever seen a cat just this dispirited, this terrified before and I grew up on a farm with feral cats. What was done to him - makes me angry and heartbroken at the same time.

If I can help him to heal, give him a wonderfully loving home and all the pampering and snuggles and love he can possibly take, I will. I have the time, the patience, and the will to help him.

I just need some direction on how to do this?
I'm researching how to deal with a traumatized cat, but while I read, I'm going to pull on your considerable experience and ask if any of you have gone through this?
What worked for you?
How do I go about this?

Thank you all for any input or links or direction you could give!
I want to do right by this boy. No one that's visited him, wants him. And he's running out of time.

 

[Norachan]

Oh, that poor boy! Thank you so much for considering giving him a home.

Most of my cats are former ferals, but I've never dealt with an abused cat before. I think the fact that you've had experience of nervous cats before is useful.

I think that keeping him in an enclosed space, a small room with his cage in, would make him feel safe.

Be prepared for this to take a long time. One of my cats couldn't be in the same room as the others for at least a year. Even if he never feels confident enough to come and hang out with Miss P at least having a safe room of his own is better that what might have happened to him.

Look, there is more I want to say here, but I'm just about to run off to work. Have a look at this article and maybe PM some of the members who contributed to ask their advice.

How To Help An Abused Cat Recover

Big hug to you for trying to help this boy.

 

[Timmer]

Lots to consider. Do you have the time for this cat?
I am not trying to sound mean here, just posing questions - why do you want to adopt this cat in particular?
Do you think this would be a good match for Petunia? You have to think of your resident cat.
Does the foster mom think this cat would get along with another cat? Does she have other cats at her place?
If it doesn't work out, would she take the cat back?

That's wonderful that the kitty responded to you so positively. I have never dealt with abused animals before but my current cat that I've had for 12 years now is shy and untrusting even to this day. I don't know what her background was when I got her at a year old. She might have some feral blood in her. My point being, she never became a confident cat. She has moments where she snuggles with me at night, but she's never let me hold her in my arms.

If you go for it, I would keep it in a room and not let it roam the house, for sure. It's going to be frightened out of it's mind probably the first few days, might not eat or drink or come out. Don't have things it can hide under in the room, like a bed or dresser. It would have to be done very carefully. I think it would be better if it were the only cat in the house but this is all my opinion. I am sure you care going to get good advice here from the wonderful, experienced people.
Can't wait to hear how it turns out! :-)

 

[Kieka]

Given how he is with the foster after two months and how well he responded to you I'd go for it. He will take time and patience but he sounds like with the right home he could really adapt well.

Everyone else has some great advice already so I don't want to repeat their point.

I'd just add that he may adapt well to your resident kitty, my girl wasn't abused but she was feral and she's always taken behavior leads from my boys. She feels safer with other cats around. I would do a slow introduction but I wouldn't worry about it too much. If his behavior is mostly human directed then he might be perfectly willing to adjust to a sister and it may even help him feel more comfortable quicker.

The other item, is establish a firm routine. Always feed him, interact with him and try to have the household have a routine to sounds and activities as much as possible. Routine can go a long way with a nervous cat because they know when to expect things and aren't as startled by everyday activities.

 

[Furballsmom]

More slow blinks, and then he closed his eyes when I gave his forehead a final rub.
The foster was shocked. No one but her had been able to get anywhere near him.
When I left, she texted me to say he'd immediately come out from hiding, which he has never done with any of the others who'd visited him.
For reference, she has pics and video of him out being a snuggle bug with her; he rolls over, he plays, he talks when it's feeding time, he's still very nervous with her, but he does come out for a bit and acts almost like a normal cat. She's had him 2 months.

Hi! After reading the above, I'm another vote for yes.
Now, of course once you bring him into YOUR house, things will be different, but with that in mind I have read that swapping clothing, towels etc between houses to get the cat(s) in question somewhat familiarized with scents can help.
-- after looking back at your other thread of Contemplating a Second Cat, I'm giving a tip of the hat to @Desertmouse, that's where that marvelous advice came from

I just read through this entire thread again and almost got weepy, you're SO AWESOME!!!

Here are some articles of a more general nature. Not that you don't already know most of the things that are being written about, but there might still be some things that are useful and could be good reminders while you have your hands and mind full with this kitty. The articles aren't super long - they're well written, some have other articles' links embedded, and there's a lot of good info.
How To Help A New Cat Adjust To Your Home
New Cat Checklist: What You Need To Get Before Bringing Kitty Home
Bringing Home A New Cat - The Complete Guide
14 Cat Experts Reveal: How To Get A Cat To Like Me
How To Get A Cat To Come Out Of Hiding?
Do Cats Get Jealous? (and What To Do About It When They Do)
16 Top Cat Experts Share Tips For Dealing With Timid Cats
Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

 

[Furballsmom]

Oh by the way, hello up in Boulder - I love your description of a very 'hipster-central' city - I didn't realize where you were at the time I read that in your other thread and actually thought of Boulder , which is to say, a great description
In any case, when you get a chance, do go back and look again at rubysmama 's articles regarding introducing cats. Petunia's reaction will be all important as well, as you go through this adventure.

 

[rubysmama]

I'm getting teary eyed reading about this dear, sweet boy. I have no advice at all to offer, but the fact that you are the only person, other than the foster mom, who he allowed to get that close to him, seems like a sign that you two could be a good match. The only concern, is would he get along with another cat. And would Petunia get along with him.

Please let us know what you decide to do.

 

[amaruuk]

Norachan:
Thank you for the reply, I'll head over to the article!

Yeah, I figure the process with this little guy will take extra long, with lots of patience and moving very very slowly to build his trust again. If I didn't have Petunia, I'd take him in a heartbeat and start the process of healing. I do want to be really, really sure this is the right place for him with Petunia here though. The last thing I want to do is make it worse, or even more stressful for the little guy.

Timmer:
Right now I'm at home 24/7, and have a metric ton of time to take on a second cat (that's why I'm doing it now, instead of when I'm back in an office all day).

As to why I'd consider this cat - I have a soft spot for kitties who get overlooked. Petunia was 'shy, nervous' (they said, she wasn't with me, though she is wary of other people), grossly obese and black, meaning she'd sat in a cage for a month before I came to her. All my life, I've taken on the dog that can't be around kids, the cat that has 3 legs or kidney disease or has lived a life in a cage and needs love and work to be sociable again. I'm not sure why. Even my very first kitty at 6 yrs old, she'd been dumped in a box at the side of the road, her brothers and sisters all dead. She'd chewed her way out and the moment I saw her there, so so small and crying out, I scooped her up and our family now had a cat. My mom hates cats. It was my dad who said ok, after a lot of crying and 'how could you' from me, I suspect.

The good match for Petunia - that's always the bottom line. And it's a hard one.
Petunia would never be able to tolerate an alpha cat, having the kitten showed me that. Though the new boy is afraid of people, I really have no idea who he'd be with another kitty. Totally different dynamic and relationship there.

I am hoping that just as the kitten getting sick brought out the mother in her, gaining a brother who is afraid of people may bring out the nurturing in her as well. Her security and trust in me may actually help him, and the company of a cat may help a great deal in calming him down, as long as the organization is honest about him being ok with other cats. Or she could be his worst nightmare - or vice versa - if they're assuming he's ok with cats, and I can't have that at all.

The foster doesn't have another cat. The organization says, as does she, that he lived with 2 other cats initially, before the men and the dog came along. Though all I can take is their word on that. He has a big 'no kids, no dogs' rule for him that's enforced because of what he went through. I'm going to have a conversation with them today about this; I don't want any guesswork when it comes to whether or not he's actually good with other cats.

If it doesn't work out with me, he can't go back to her. She's leaving the country for a month soon. He would be shuffled to another foster if he's not adopted, or if he had to go back. Which is why I was up almost all night, doing research on traumatized cats and what they need.

Thank you everyone for your replies, and for more links to go research!

I've emailed the organization to get hopefully all the info they have on him.
I've called my vet and talked to them about how they'd handle a cat like this, and if they were even willing to. (they said yes they have a few fearful cats that they sedate in order to do exams, so there's far less stress on the cat all around)

The kind of ironic thing about this kitty?
A male traumatized this kitty (so far as we know), shattering trust, sending an otherwise healthy, happy cat into a reclusive, terrified, untrusting creature.
A few years ago, my long term partner cheated in the biggest way, shattering my world, my future. I struggle with trauma-based depression still, am in therapy still. I became a reclusive, fearful, untrusting creature of men, and to a big degree, I still see them as predators because of what my ex has done.

So when I looked into that kitty's saucer-eyes, I absolutely, and utterly, understood what he felt.
There is a part of me very much like that cat, still hiding under the covers because open space is just way too scary.
I would not only be healing this cat.
I would be healing the abjectly frightened part of myself that cannot bring myself to trust males at all.

 

[amaruuk]

Oh by the way, hello up in Boulder - I love your description of a very 'hipster-central' city - I didn't realize where you were at the time I read that in your other thread and actually thought of Boulder , which is to say, a great description
In any case, when you get a chance, do go back and look again at rubysmama 's articles regarding introducing cats. Petunia's reaction will be all important as well, as you go through this adventure.

Hah, I'm no longer in Boulder, though I lived in Colorado (Boulder, Leadville, Buena Vista) for the better part of 8 years. I'm back in Canada now. I miss all of Colorado dearly, but I needed better healthcare

 

[Etarre]

I would not only be healing this cat.
I would be healing the abjectly frightened part of myself that cannot bring myself to trust males at all.

This is amazing. I'm rooting for both of you!

 

[maggiedemi]

Amazing story, thank you for trying to help him. I would go for it, as long as you can commit to him no matter what, unconditionally, and never give up on him. It seems like you are the right person for the job, someone with a big heart.

 

[catlover73]

I adopted an young adult cat years ago that had been abandoned and abused. It took a lot of time and patience to bond with her. She was actually scared to eat cat food at all when I first adopted her. I had to feed baby food to get her to stop being scared to eat. She actually bonded very well with my other cat pretty quickly. They were both females. My room mate later adopted another cat and she was accepted too. My room mate's cat actually snuck out and go pregnant. My cat that had been abused wanted to help with the kittens. My room mate's cat was cool with her helping out. My cat would actually hang out in the nest area with the kittens when mommy needed to eat or use the bathroom. She also bonded very well with the two kittens I kept also and they were males. We found homes for the rest of them. If you do decide to adopt this kitty set them up in their own space at first and be patient with everything. You may find that they do bond.

 

[danteshuman]

I would give him a hiding space low or hide in his room (whichever he prefers.) I would block off the view to the cat with a towel or sheet or t-shirt. My bud Dante's favorite hiding spot is on top of my entertainment center ... and he hides behind the plants up there. My other cat Salem likes to hide in his carrier cave which is under a table or on top of my dresser, which is blocked off by sheet from my clothes rack, to create a cat hiding spot/bed.

When he is in his hiding spot, ignore him. Later give him more hiding spots outside the room when he is moving about your house.

Lastly when he becomes braver in 2-6 months and is out exploring your house freely I would start having visitors come over regularly while he adjusts. Later when he is allowing himself to be seen, have a visitor toss him a treat. So he learns the new normal is people come by, give him treats.

Ironically the biggest help will probably come from your other cat. He will learn how to interact with people from her.

 

[Monk'sMom]

My take is that you cannot know, absolutely know-- how Petunia will react in the longer run. This is something you have to live through to know.
I'm of the school that we can make it work into, at least, some sort of accommodation. The ideal of a friendship and bond between the felines in our family, is lovely and often does happen. But even an acceptable accommodation that is not a friendship is fine, and sometimes "fine" has to be enough.
So you asked about experience. One of ours was a feral who was traumatized. He spent days in a trap without food or water. He was shy and wouldn't come out to anyone, so the shelter volunteers thought he might be unadoptable.
He did hide from us for two weeks. But he did come out to chase and play with our other adoptee, a socially confident but not aggressive cat. (Mr. Monk, the one in my avatar, who we lost recently.) The two were thick as thieves, so to speak. Eventually he came to trust us, and is a very affectionate and loving smart cat with the humans (and felines) of the house. But four and a half years later, he still will run and hide when anyone he doesn't know comes. This means dinner guests or any visitors (even overnight guests) never see him!

My sense is that you are already in love with this cat. Take a chance on this love. In life it's always the chance that pays off, even if it isn't the easy one.

 

[Norachan]

It sounds like you two are made for each other.



I think, as others have said, having another cat in the house might help him. My resident former feral cats are all a huge help when it comes to socialising new stray cats or getting feral born kittens friendly enough to be adopted.

You can't be 100% sure how Petunia will act, but if he has been around other cats before she could help him feel more comfortable.

I think the key is to go slowly. Be prepared to spend as long as he needs with him just in his one safe room before asking him to take the next step.

Things like a Feliway diffuser in the house and a mood stabilizer like Zylkene in their food will help them both get used to the changes.

https://www.feliway.com/uk#redirected

Home

 

[amaruuk]

Thank you all for your advice.
In the end, this boy turned out to not be for us. The org could not tell me if he'd actually been around other cats; they were guessing.
My Petunia deserves a cat who can handle her - putting a traumatized boy like that with a hissy girl initially, if he hates other cats - god I don't even know what that would do to him. Or her. I couldn't risk it.

So my search continues.
This is so hard. So many wonderful cats deserving of love and a stable loving home, and yet so hard to find the *right* one for *us*.

You're all so fantastic with your advice, I will be absorbing it all and becoming a wiser kitty-chooser and owner

 

[Etarre]

I'm sorry the rescue couldn't give you the information that you needed to decide for sure whether this cat would be the right fit for you and Petunia. Of course it's important to consider Petunia's needs, and whether your home would really be a happy place for this traumatized cat. I know you made this decision for all the right reasons, and wish you luck in finding the right fit to keep Petunia company.

 

[rubysmama]

Sorry it didn't work out. But it's better to wait until you feel you've found the best fit for a feline friend for Petunia.

In case you haven't seen it, here's the TCS article on Your Second Cat: How To Choose The Best Friend For Kitty

 

[amaruuk]

It still breaks my heart but thank you Etarre. That kitty will be in my thoughts for quite some time. I do hope he finds the right home for him.

I agree, rubysmama - I watched a woman yesterday in a shelter look at a cat and tell the shelter worker 'yup i'll take that one'. Never having come within 5 feet of the cat. I will never understand that. She has NO clue what this kitty will be like when she gets her home, if she even likes her.

This is really common where I live. As long as the cat is pretty, people don't seem to care what their personalities are like, or what needs they may have (nervous, shy, medical issues). Makes me angry, the vapid f***ers.

Thank you all for your input on all of this. I will no doubt seek your opinions again as my search continues.
Is it normal, by the way, that I'll spend hours and hours, sometimes returning day after day to visit with a cat to determine if they're the right fit? I make pros and cons lists, check in with instinct to find out if it thinks this is a good personality match, consider the issues that may arise (right now, dozens upon dozens of young cats are pouring into every shelter in the province after 2 big seizures from hoarders) - am I insane? How can others make flippant decisions like the woman yesterday, yet I stress for days sometimes, losing sleep, over whether I'm making the right decision?

And yes. I may be insane. I've considered that lol.

 

[Etarre]

I don't think you're weird-- I've seen a lot of posts from folks like you on this board who have met a cat and want to consider seriously how well it will fit into their family before committing to it.

My husband and I acquired Juniper at a big cat adoption event, and we spent about 3 hours there meeting all the animals, finding a few favorites, and asking the volunteers about them. I will say that the environment (a big loud
hall with lots of barking dogs, screaming children, etc.) was not a great venue for seeing what a cat's personality
would really be like in a quieter more familiar environment, and although there was an area for meet and greets,
the volunteer at Juniper's booth cautioned that it would probably traumatize her more, rather than allowing us to
get to know her.

In retrospect, because she was picked up as a stray and spent a month or two in a big municipal kill shelter and the people at the rescue knew almost nothing about her, since she was not one of their fosters, it was a hugely impulsive decision to adopt her. My previous cat came from a foster home and I had met her (feline) mother and (human) foster mother and I knew she wasn't feral or abused and had a loving home from birth, wasn't weaned too soon, etc.

Thinking about it now, I'm a little taken aback in thinking about all of the ways that we could have been unpleasantly surprised by Juniper. But she's been a joy and turned out to be a total sweetheart. So I'm glad I trusted my instincts! (When I saw Juniper for the first time, I called her name, and she turned around and looked straight at me. I really sensed a desire to connect. Plus, she has a really expressive little face, and beautiful sad little eyes. Totally irresistible!)

So yes, I think you're absolutely right that it's dumb to pick based on looks alone without any interaction. But there are circumstances in which you don't really 'meet' your new cat until months after you've adopted him or her! In the best case scenario, though, it's a joy to watch their little personalities unfold as they get used to their new home.