Adoption Regret and Subsequent Guilt

[certainlyuncertain]

Hello,

I cannot even believe that I'm on here posting this. I have two adult cats, a reluctant husband, and a 12 year old shih-tzu (who adores cats but hates other dogs) in my house. I was looking to add a third feline member to my household and was very excited to do so. I have a stable home, I have a stable job and finances, and I adore all animals. I went to an adoption event near me to look (famous last words) and found myself bringing home a 5 month old kitten with Cerebellar Hypoplasia. I will admit, it was an impulsive decision, and I am not proud of that. I take animal adoptions seriously and look at them as a lifelong commitment. She is gorgeous, loving, cuddly, hilarious, and a mild-moderate case of CH. The problem is that I had no idea what I was getting myself into with her special needs. I wanted to take her in to give her a loving home and provide for an animal that may have a hard time being adopted otherwise. I was prepared for my resident cats to complain and prepared for the introduction period and all of the aches and pains that go along with it.

I feel horrible because I am feeling like my home is not the right home for her. I love her. I cuddle her, play with her, pet her, I have bathed her after a toileting accident, she is getting the love that I know she deserves from me. I am not neglectful. But there is just a gut feeling that my home is not right for her. I find it hard to explain and when I try to put it into words for other people, it all sounds stupid. I have been beating myself up nonstop and swinging wildly between trying to suck it up and care for her and honor my commitment and sending her back so she can get a home with someone who is right for her. It isn't about an adjustment, because she has adjusted beautifully. She is not scared of my dog, she gives my other cats space when they hiss and grumble at her, and my other two are honestly taking it better than I expected.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting on here. I feel so guilty and awful for wanting to give her back to her foster mom. I feel like filth, a piece of garbage. I want to keep her because I do love and care for her. It is agonizing thinking about taking the drive with her knowing that I won't come back home with her. I haven't had her long at all, just shy of a week, and I know many people will probably tell me to give it more time. But the longer I wait, the harder it will be for me to give her back and I cannot seem to shake this deep, gut instinct that she would be better off with someone else. If I give her back to the rescue, she will not go into a shelter environment, but back to the woman who has fostered her (and her sister) her entire life. That is the only thing that gives me a tiny bit of peace with all of this, knowing that she is going back to a home and not a cage in a stressful environment.

 

[KarenKat]

Welcome to The Cat Site, although I’m sorry it is this huge stress that’s brought you here. First, I doubt you will get any judgement here, we all understand how emotionally growing the fur family can be.

I was wondering why you think your home isn’t right for this kitten? She sounds like she’s adjusting pretty well from your description. Is it more that you feel overwhelmed? If you are so stressed at the prospect of caring for this kitten, it might be best (for your own mental health as well as for her) to take her back to the foster mom. It sounds like she would have a really good chance of being adopted, especially if she is still cute-sized.

You can also wait a little, and see if you start to adjust - depending on how you know yourself. If I am impulsive, I tend to have a lot of self doubt and panic.

It sounds like whatever you choose, this kitten will be loved. So try and give yourself a little break. You sound so empathetic and compassionate, and you obviously want what is right for this kitten.

 

[ArtNJ]

We have had posts with this exact same title before. It is not an uncommon problem, biting off more than one can chew. I don't think that one needs to feel guilty for realizing that, and trying to do the best thing for you and the cat, whatever that may be. Sometimes that is giving the cat back.

Of course, I had the same thought as KarenKat -- that we can't really give other kinds of advice since we don't know why you are feeling this way -- i.e. Is the cat hard to care for because of the special needs or is it something else?

 

[verna davies]

I get the feeling that you are doubting yourself and maybe a little afraid of the amount of care that MAY be needed in the future and that you wont be able to give it to her. Its a period of adjustment and I think it's natural that there will be doubts until your mind has settled but to me your home seems the perfect place for her. Try to put the negative thoughts aside and concentrate on the pleasure she is giving you and will continue to do so. Please let us know how things go.

 

[certainlyuncertain]

Welcome to The Cat Site, although I’m sorry it is this huge stress that’s brought you here. First, I doubt you will get any judgement here, we all understand how emotionally growing the fur family can be.

I was wondering why you think your home isn’t right for this kitten? She sounds like she’s adjusting pretty well from your description. Is it more that you feel overwhelmed? If you are so stressed at the prospect of caring for this kitten, it might be best (for your own mental health as well as for her) to take her back to the foster mom. It sounds like she would have a really good chance of being adopted, especially if she is still cute-sized.

You can also wait a little, and see if you start to adjust - depending on how you know yourself. If I am impulsive, I tend to have a lot of self doubt and panic.

It sounds like whatever you choose, this kitten will be loved. So try and give yourself a little break. You sound so empathetic and compassionate, and you obviously want what is right for this kitten.

I am nervous about getting judgment because the reasons I have sound so... stupid, although they are rooted in logic and reason.
I am a therapist and work long hours. Because she is so new to our home, I am keeping her in a restricted room for her safety. The trouble is, the only spare room I have is our bathroom, which is very small. I feel guilty for leaving her in there all day and all night. She only gets an hour or so to run (her version of running, anyway) and play before I go to work and a few hours at night.
Not to mention, with her special needs, she often tips over her water bowl and I worry all day about her becoming dehydrated, as I know cats urinary systems are delicate.
She has been having trouble with her litter box, something her foster mom said she handled just fine on her own. I woke this morning to find her and my bathroom floor covered in feces. She's not able to move freely and get away from it, let alone with the coordination issues her condition gives her, so she inadvertently spread it everywhere.
I also travel periodically throughout the year and I am worried about being able to find someone to watch her and give her appropriate care when I am out of town. With my other two cats, I am fairly comfortable leaving them for a day or two without getting a sitter. With my new addition, I don't think this would be possible.

Those are a few concrete reasons, all of which sound ridiculous. These are all things that can be overcome and worked out, but it just doesn't feel right to put her through my steep learning curve, particularly if I feel so certain in my heart that she should go back.

I have never heard of or encountered CH before. I had no idea what it would be like to have a kitty with her needs. I am wracked with guilt at my impulse to try and take this on without researching beforehand, as I have never done something like this before. I am overwhelmed and upset with myself for acting so impulsively, even if it was with the best intentions.

 

[KarenKat]

Those don’t sound stupid or silly at all - caring for a special needs pet is a huge toll on someone, especially with a family. I can understand how it sounds manageable until you are in the thick of it.

Like you said some of these things are temporary, like her being cooped up in the bathroom. Other things sound more permanent, although I’m also not knowledgeable on that condition.

Do you get support from your husband? Maybe talking to him about what to do going forward can help you decide the best course of action. He probably knows you the best, and if he’s will he can take on some of the responsibilities to help share the load of you decide to keep her.

 

[certainlyuncertain]

Those don’t sound stupid or silly at all - caring for a special needs pet is a huge toll on someone, especially with a family. I can understand how it sounds manageable until you are in the thick of it.

Like you said some of these things are temporary, like her being cooped up in the bathroom. Other things sound more permanent, although I’m also not knowledgeable on that condition.

Do you get support from your husband? Maybe talking to him about what to do going forward can help you decide the best course of action. He probably knows you the best, and if he’s will he can take on some of the responsibilities to help share the load of you decide to keep her.

My husband is a sweet man, but he definitely wasn't raised in an environment with multiple animals like I was. He knew I wanted to add a new kitten to our home and was not completely convinced. He is willing to care for her, but it wasn't his first choice to take in another cat, particularly one with special needs. His stance on it is that I made the decision and he will tolerate the consequences of that decision as my partner, but he certainly isn't happy with it. He knows I'm struggling deeply with the decision to keep her or give her back and will not talk it through with me or help me work it out. Anyone else's parents ever say, "You made your bed, now lie in it"? That's kind of how he feels about this whole thing. The metaphorical bed in question can either be keeping her or giving her back, but either way, it's totally on me.

My coworkers and immediate family are supportive and have been helping me process and work it through, though. They just aren't able to be physically supportive in her direct care.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello!

I don't know if this article will be of help but it does address water and litter a little bit. Do you have puppy pee pads? There are disposable ones for the floor, or resuable washable ones...

Special Needs Cats: Cerebellar Hypoplasia – Cat Articles

 

[KarenKat]

I’m glad you do have a support network, that helps a whole lot. And hopefully we can be added support as well.

Would it help to look into cat sitters that can take care of her? Just to know you have a plan next time you will be traveling. It might help with feeling overwhelmed. I’ve lived in a few places (mostly near cities) and there were always a lot of cat sitters that could give medicine or do special tasks including administering chemo meds and cleaning up very messy cats that didn’t use he litterbox. Even vet techs will hire hem selves out to care for special needs cats.

But in the end it’s not evil if you do decide she is better off in another home - especially if you know you will be her sole caregiver since your husband isn’t signing up to help.

 

[IndyJones]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can and that she is a good fit.

The sad truth is special needs animals are extremely hard to find homes for because many people have little to no tolerance for things like toileting issues or behavior problems.

Please don't give up on her. She needs a loving and understanding owner who is willing to help her with her disability and not judge her because of it.

 

[fionasmom]

I have had two special needs GSDs and one cat with diabetic neuropathy who could not use a litter box, so I do understand your plight. In the case of my animals, the issues appeared slowly enough that we were able to make incremental steps toward their management which is quite different than going to a cat adoption and coming home with the special needs one. You sound as if you are still in some level of shock at having taken her and at the commitment that will need to be made to her care. There has already been a lot of good advice given and I just want to restate that pee pads of all sizes are what got us through much of what we faced with my animals. They can make a huge difference to care and maintenance.

My husband is/was very sympathetic to my dogs and cat but is very squeamish which is really the same end result as not being willing to help as both result in a useless spouse.

Given that it sounds as if the kitten is from a reputable rescue and that she will have a home, I don't think that you should feel guilty if you return her. It is hard to find a home for any special needs animal though and I would try to suss out what being given a home for the rest of her life means exactly....natural life or life until the rescue does not have a place for her any longer?

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi! In case you come back to the site, or in case it might be of value to another reader or lurker, I found this webcam to be incredibly helpful in seeing how the rescue handles the (currently) four cats they have with severe CH, including feeding, play, maintenance of their area and keeping them clean. The matter of fact and sometimes ingenious ways that the rescue employees deal with these cats demystifies a lot, and helped to give me a much greater understanding of CH kitties In addition it's a moderated chat so questions are answered, and the rescue provides an additional email address.

Live Kitten Cam - watch cute kittens playing | Explore.org

 

[neely]

Another warm welcome to TCS! Your situation caught my eye and I am very sympathetic to what you'e feeling and going through with the CH kitty. All the above members have given you outstanding and sincere advice. The only thing I can add is to trust your instincts, i.e. if you are the kind of person that takes awhile to adapt to a new situation then give it a little more time before making a final decision or if you know in your heart you bit off more than you can chew, then by all means, do not punish yourself.

If it helps consider this situation - many of the members on this site have brought a kitten or cat into their home that was healthy at first but down the road was diagnosed with a chronic illness/disease. With the proper medical treatment and support they adjusted to the change in their cat's health. The point I am trying to make is that there are no guarantees and since you already know the type of care this kitten will need only you can decide what is best to do for both of you. No one here will judge you or make you feel guilty. Whatever your decision we will stand by you. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted and feel free to introduce us to your two adult cats and shih-tzu.