Adopting after loss: how soon?

[dananab]

Hi all,

I recently posted about the loss of my sweet baby Lou:

http://www.thecatsite.com/t/336772/lost-my-love-to-hcm-saddle-thrombus#post_4248400

I'm not ready to rush out and adopt just yet (it's been only 2 days as of now), but I know I will be *someday.*

Despite the huge grief and sadness over losing Louise, the thought of getting to know a new furry friend does really make me smile [emoji]128522[/emoji]

We've got a lot of love to give in our home. It feels so empty (of course), and we've all committed to the idea of adopting another cat - or two!

I guess my question for you all is, how long did you wait to adopt again? Keeping in mind, my situation is that:

- Louise was my very first pet
- Her death was very sudden and unexpected (she was only 7 years old)
- We have no other pets at our home
- We have the resources and the time to give so much love to a new friend

I know the usual response is that I'll "know" when I'm ready, but I'm a chronic "over planner..." haha. I'd like to hear everything I can about the experiences of other folks here!

 

[Freedom]

I am sorry for your loss.  It is never easy losing a family member.

As I was involved with rescue, and I am a foster failure many times over, I've dealt with this loss more often than most.  And every time, it is different.  Sometimes I am ready to take on another one after a week, other times I need 5 months or more.  This has nothing to do with much I loved the one I lost.  Rather, it has to do with the circumstances surrounding the loss (old age vs. young, sudden vs. prolonged health issues, and more), the stage I am at in my life, what other issues I have going on.  There is no one right answer as to when is a good time.  The answer is not even specific to the person - I mean, it is not that I need 2 weeks, you need 1, someone else needs a month.  As I said, there are many many factors which play in to this decision.

As long as you are able to recognize that the newbie is a separate individual which needs to be loved in its' own right, and not as a replacement for the lost love, I think that is the time to move forward.  Sometimes we see folks get a new pet and expect it to be the same.  Well, not likely.  Each has their own personality, their own likes and dislikes.  Again, coming from a rescue perspective, the folks who were looking to replace the lost one were often the people who returned the adopted newbie to us after a few short weeks.  "It just isn't the same," and "It just isn't working out" were the reasons given.  Sometimes even the people themselves do not realize they are trying to replace, rather than add a new being, to the family.

Hope this helps!

 

[AbbysMom]

I'm sorry for your loss.

In my case, it was roughly six weeks. Abby was our first adult cat and we lost her the day before Thanksgiving quite a few years ago. She was an only cat also and we were devastated. At the time, our house was for sale and we had a 11 day trip planned for right after we moved, so it wouldn't have been fair to adopt another cat. When we got back from vacation and into our new house, we said that it wasn't fair to bring a cat in until we were completely unpacked and had the house the way it would be. I only lasted a week or so. :lol3: I couldn't take how empty the house was. :dk: I did still feel guilty when we adopted Abby, but I don't regret doing it.

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

I have never been ready to get another cat until I have fully grieved over the loss of a recently lost, beloved cat; until I've spent time writing in journal(s) all of the memories I can muster up about the cat I just lost so that I will never forget; until I find myself ready to put away the cat's toys and blankies into memory chests; until I've stopped dreaming both good and bad dreams about my cat. Until I feel at peace and ready to give a new "cat soul" his or her own special place in my heart. I suppose for me that has usually been 1-3 years! (Is that bad?!! I hope I am not alone!) I've always had just one kitty at a time (a monogamous kitty owner!) and devote my heart and life to my cat(s), so maybe it's not so easy in that case.

 

[verna davies]

Sorry you lost your feline friend so young. It is really hard accepting it. I lost both my oldies within 6 months of each other. I waited 2 months to get another kitten but I got the second kitten the same week I lost the second oldie. It felt right for me. It didn't change how I felt about the two I had lost and the kittens didn't replace the oldies.
A friend of mine lost her dog at the age of 7. She adopted a puppy from a shelter who had a few problems and it helped her get over her loss for she felt that she could help a dog that needed a home.
There are lots of kittens and cats that need a loving home that you can provide. Give yourself some time, dont put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Even visit a shelter just "to look".

Keep us updated.

 

[neely]

I have never been ready to get another cat until I have fully grieved over the loss of a recently lost, beloved cat; until I've spent time writing in journal(s) all of the memories I can muster up about the cat I just lost so that I will never forget; until I find myself ready to put away the cat's toys and blankies into memory chests; until I've stopped dreaming both good and bad dreams about my cat. Until I feel at peace and ready to give a new "cat soul" his or her own special place in my heart. I suppose for me that has usually been 1-3 years! (Is that bad?!! I hope I am not alone!) I've always had just one kitty at a time (a monogamous kitty owner!) and devote my heart and life to my cat(s), so maybe it's not so easy in that case.

No that's not bad at all.  I feel the same way.  Our dog passed away 2 1/2 yrs. ago and I still can't bring myself to rescue another dog.  I wasn't planning to adopt another cat shortly after Neely passed away but DH started going to shelters when I was at work.  Our oldest daughter saw a persian cat on a shelter's website and told me about it.  We went there to see him but he needed surgery and was not available. Low and behold another persian lumbered out from under a table and it was kismet. 

  All my notions about grieving went out the window once Carleton came into our lives.  

 

[Freedom]

 
 Low and behold another persian lumbered out from under a table and it was kismet. 

  All my notions about grieving went out the window once Carleton came into our lives.  

Awww, what a lovely story.  Good job Carleton, seems you picked your owners!  lol. 

 

[kittens mom]

We adopted 4 days after we lost the little love of my life Kitten. Nothing replaces , ever and the hurt and pain of her being murdered by the incompetent veterinarian will never leave. But Mercy needed us as much as we needed her.

Only you can set the pace for if and when because there is no right or wrong. We thought it would be years before we would even think of taking in another cat. It's important to not confuse grieving for a pet you have lost with your ability to love another one as being a form of betrayal.

 

[dananab]

I am sorry for your loss.  It is never easy losing a family member.

As I was involved with rescue, and I am a foster failure many times over, I've dealt with this loss more often than most.  And every time, it is different.  Sometimes I am ready to take on another one after a week, other times I need 5 months or more.  This has nothing to do with much I loved the one I lost.  Rather, it has to do with the circumstances surrounding the loss (old age vs. young, sudden vs. prolonged health issues, and more), the stage I am at in my life, what other issues I have going on.  There is no one right answer as to when is a good time.  The answer is not even specific to the person - I mean, it is not that I need 2 weeks, you need 1, someone else needs a month.  As I said, there are many many factors which play in to this decision.

As long as you are able to recognize that the newbie is a separate individual which needs to be loved in its' own right, and not as a replacement for the lost love, I think that is the time to move forward.  Sometimes we see folks get a new pet and expect it to be the same.  Well, not likely.  Each has their own personality, their own likes and dislikes.  Again, coming from a rescue perspective, the folks who were looking to replace the lost one were often the people who returned the adopted newbie to us after a few short weeks.  "It just isn't the same," and "It just isn't working out" were the reasons given.  Sometimes even the people themselves do not realize they are trying to replace, rather than add a new being, to the family.

Hope this helps!

Thank you so much for your input! It's comforting to know that there isn't a "right" answer. I think I'll feel ready soon, especially because of the factors you mentioned. I have the time and attention for a new friend, and would absolutely never want to replace or replicate my Louise. She was one of a kind, and always will be [emoji]128522[/emoji]

I know there are so many unique and wonderful cats in need of a good home, and we have a lot of love to give.

 

[dananab]

I'm sorry for your loss.

In my case, it was roughly six weeks. Abby was our first adult cat and we lost her the day before Thanksgiving quite a few years ago. She was an only cat also and we were devastated. At the time, our house was for sale and we had a 11 day trip planned for right after we moved, so it wouldn't have been fair to adopt another cat. When we got back from vacation and into our new house, we said that it wasn't fair to bring a cat in until we were completely unpacked and had the house the way it would be. I only lasted a week or so. :lol3: I couldn't take how empty the house was. :dk: I did still feel guilty when we adopted Abby, but I don't regret doing it.

It sounds like you put a lot of thought and consideration into making sure you would have things ready for a new friend! [emoji]10084[/emoji]️ That's so wonderful, and I'm sure it was appreciated [emoji]128522[/emoji]

 

[dananab]

I have never been ready to get another cat until I have fully grieved over the loss of a recently lost, beloved cat; until I've spent time writing in journal(s) all of the memories I can muster up about the cat I just lost so that I will never forget; until I find myself ready to put away the cat's toys and blankies into memory chests; until I've stopped dreaming both good and bad dreams about my cat. Until I feel at peace and ready to give a new "cat soul" his or her own special place in my heart. I suppose for me that has usually been 1-3 years! (Is that bad?!! I hope I am not alone!) I've always had just one kitty at a time (a monogamous kitty owner!) and devote my heart and life to my cat(s), so maybe it's not so easy in that case.

I understand that! I've also only ever had one cat, although I'm open to the idea of bringing two into our home (we've got three humans here with a lot of love to give [emoji]128522[/emoji]). I really appreciate hearing about your process, and will likely create a memory chest for Louise. I'm putting together a book of photos and memories that I can revisit often. I smile a bit more everyday at the memories... the tears still come, and waking up without her is still the hardest, but the feelings of joy about what she brought into my life are growing stronger and stronger.

 

[dananab]

Sorry you lost your feline friend so young. It is really hard accepting it. I lost both my oldies within 6 months of each other. I waited 2 months to get another kitten but I got the second kitten the same week I lost the second oldie. It felt right for me. It didn't change how I felt about the two I had lost and the kittens didn't replace the oldies.
A friend of mine lost her dog at the age of 7. She adopted a puppy from a shelter who had a few problems and it helped her get over her loss for she felt that she could help a dog that needed a home.
There are lots of kittens and cats that need a loving home that you can provide. Give yourself some time, dont put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Even visit a shelter just "to look".

Keep us updated.

Thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, so heartbreaking to lost two loves in such a short time.

I feel similarly regarding providing a home to a new cat in need. We have a lot of love to give, and there are a lot of cats in need of just that.

I'm now struggling with a bit of "serendipity..."

Just the day after I lost Louise, a neighbor reached out about a litter of kittens. They are still very young (4 weeks) and only just weening off of their mother. She has found homes for all but one of the sweet babies, and knows that we have a good home to provide for a cat. Little "Sanjay" wouldn't be ready for a forever home until a few weeks from now, and perhaps that's the right time for us?

It's so hard to know, but it does seem right that a new friend "finds" us.

What do you think...?

 

[dananab]

We adopted 4 days after we lost the little love of my life Kitten. Nothing replaces , ever and the hurt and pain of her being murdered by the incompetent veterinarian will never leave. But Mercy needed us as much as we needed her.
Only you can set the pace for if and when because there is no right or wrong. We thought it would be years before we would even think of taking in another cat. It's important to not confuse grieving for a pet you have lost with your ability to love another one as being a form of betrayal.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I'm so sorry to hear about the wrongful loss of your loved one!

You're absolutely right about grief and new love - I strongly believe the two can happen simultaneously! I will always grieve for the loss of my Louise, but I can and will love another unique fuzzy friend [emoji]128522[/emoji]

 

[verna davies]

Thank you for sharing! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, so heartbreaking to lost two loves in such a short time.

I feel similarly regarding providing a home to a new cat in need. We have a lot of love to give, and there are a lot of cats in need of just that.

I'm now struggling with a bit of "serendipity..."

Just the day after I lost Louise, a neighbor reached out about a litter of kittens. They are still very young (4 weeks) and only just weening off of their mother. She has found homes for all but one of the sweet babies, and knows that we have a good home to provide for a cat. Little "Sanjay" wouldn't be ready for a forever home until a few weeks from now, and perhaps that's the right time for us?

It's so hard to know, but it does seem right that a new friend "finds" us.

What do you think...?

Only you can make the decision but I am a firm believer that something like this kitten needing a loving home happens for a reason. Have you met Sanjay yet? If you have, how did you feel? Whatever you do, don't have any guilt about getting another. Let's face it, our pets don't live as long as we do and we expect to lose them even thought we don't ever want the time to come. You can give another kitten a lovely life as you did for Louise, there's nothing wrong with that, quite the opposite. Keep us posted on your decision.

 

[IndyJones]

For me I began looking right away. Without Hector, I was lonely and the house did not feel right. A week later I found Indy and went to visit her. It was love at first sight. The little scrap locked eyes with me and I knew she was meant to be my new "baby girl".

The more time I spend with Indy the more I realize how much like Hector she is.

 

[Gizmobius]

I lost my Willow girl on November 26th and on December 1st I was at the shelter adopting Gizmo. I had a huge cat tree in my bedroom, numerous toys, I had Willow's food dishes still in place and I began to feel very lonely. I'd never been in a house without either a cat or a dog and it was such an uncomfortable feeling. I struggle with grief and understanding my own feelings so adopting Gizmo really allowed me to come to terms with the emotions I was going through after having to say goodbye to Willow. He is so marginally different and while I knew I wasn't looking for a replacement (I purposely wanted a boy for this very reason!), he really showed me that there is no other experience like the one I had with Willow. My experience with her is something I am thankful for and will cherish and Gizmo is showing me that my experience with him will be a new journey we share together in our own way.

I empathize with your loss! When you do decide to bring home a new kitty, you'll have such a fun new adventure ahead of you while still being able to appreciate and reminisce on the old adventures.

 

[melanie jean]

I've been lucky to have only lost one cat so far. I don't remember making a conscious decision to go adopt another but I did, about 15 days later from my local shelter. I felt guilty about it but I also told myself it allowed me to save someone else like I'd saved her. The new cat didn't look or behave like my old gal and that took some of the "replacement" guilt away. I also tend to believe things are meant to happen the way they are- meaning, when the time is right for you to bring a new feline into your heart and home, the cat you finally pick was meant to be yours. 

 

[goingpostal]

It took me a year and I had swore we wouldn't get another but didn't really plan on keeping that promise, I was following a few rescues and figured the right cat would show up on the doorstep or something.  My mom started tagging me in cute adoptables she liked on facebook and eventually one caught my eye.  I still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do until she came home and curled up in my lap the first time, then you wonder how you made it without a cat.  I have a lot of other animals to keep me busy though, if I didn't have them it would have happened sooner for sure. 

 

[shadowplay]

It took me about a year and a half. My Zoom was my first and only pet, and I'd had him for about fourteen years. I really needed that time to grieve him. It's actually funny, right before I got my new cats I was talking to a co-worker about how I was wanting a cat again, but I wasn't sure if I was ready. Two days later, I found two kittens abandoned outside my door, and I took them in. I think it's so true that when you are ready, the right cat(s) will find you

 

[IndyJones]

Even if they find you over the internet an hour away by car.