11 months - today is a bad day

[pepsiandmax]

Everywhere you read they say grief is filled with ups and downs. And it truly is. Today is a bad day. It truly just feels like my heart is breaking all over again.

I made the decition to end my sweet dear Max’ life 11 months ago (he got sick). It was the right thing to do, I know that. But I miss him. So much. If anything I would say he was my soulmate, and it just hurts that he is gone. I still have his brother Pepsi here with me, but he is not Max. No matter how much I also love Pepsi, there is just that differance in the bond that we have. Its not even about opening up my heart or anything like that, because I love him so much. Its hard to even put into words, to try and explain the differance.

On days like this I just cry. Its all I can do. I know that putting down my thoughts, like this, putting it out on the internet can help calm me down, even if noone reads this, chances are it will make me feel a little bit better.

Some days I feel like maybe I should try and seek out someone proffesional to talk to. But there is about a 2 year wait list to get help, and honestly even if I did talk to someone it would not really change anything. I am just plain sad because I miss Max. No amount of talking would really make it any better. Nothing will bring him back. I am en emotional person to begin with, introverter and highly sensitive, so this kind of loss will always be there with me, comming back up every now and them, hitting just as had as the day the loss happened.

Grief really is a rollercoaster, and I hate that I am on the ride. But its what I agreed to when I went to pick up two kittens a little over 7 years ago. Its a ride we will all have to join if we want to have loved ones in our life.

To anyone who read through this, thank you for letting me share my emotions

 

[Marley&Luna]

(((((Hugs))))))

 

[Nemo]

Yesterday was the anniversary of the loss of one of my soul cats, Nemo. Almost three weeks ago we had to say goodbye to another young kitty, Gizmo, who had become my next soul cat. Gizmo's passing so close to the anniversary of our loss of Nemo has opened up some emotional pathways for me. I totally understand what you mean about not having the same relationship with Pepsi that you had with Max. It's just like with human relationships. We feel different levels of connection with different people in our lives. I have found, as you have, that the same holds true for our kitty kompanions. That's nothing to be ashamed of, as long as we are showing the same love and affection to all our kitties, according to what our felines can tolerate. So, in a nutshell, I guess I am saying, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

[di and bob]

There are literally millions who share your feelings, though each and every one of them is unique in their love for their little ones. There is no way to ever change the past or what happened in it, but there is in our own minds a choice on how to handle our grief. That is where the rollercoaster comes in, it is bouncing back and forth between how to handle your grief. Time is really the only thing that softens your agony. It takes about two years to even begin to come to terms with it. Sure it hurts, it always will, but in varying degrees of pain. Max would never want to cause you this pain. Go forward into life as you would want Max to live if you were the first to go. That is love, and he would want it no different. Max is safe, he is at peace because he carries your love forever. He will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. He lives on through you now, so give him happiness and laughter, not sadness and tears. You are indeed fortunate to love someone so much that you hurt so bad. It means that you received a gift that few do, a cat's love.......

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Max, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

While I know (I do not believe, I know) that something comes after this world, it doesn't change loss. Not one bit. I do not grieve for those I've lost, I grieve for myself, left behind until my own time comes. And we do not "get over." We merely "get through." It stays with us forever, just as their love does. I lost my "doggy sister" almost 50 years ago, and I still weep for her on occasion, as well as my tomcat brother, Gray. But you are right...in the end, the joy of having that love is so much greater than the pain of losing it. And there will be a meeting again, one fine day in the fullness of time.

 

[di and bob]

I agree completely with the above. They are beyond pain, they are at peace because they have someone left behind to keep their memory alive and to love and miss them. the greatest honor you can receive after death......

 

[Alldara]

You're not alone. It will be 2 years next month the anniversary of Lily's passing. Also my wedding anniversary is the same day...so it makes for an interesting time...

It will be up and down and it's okay that your bond with your other cat is different.

What helped me was doing things in Lily's name. Sharing information I've learned from her illness, gifting the rest of her medication to a cat who had hyperthyroid as well, my friend adopted a black cat in Lily's honour was a huge blessing as well. We eventually chose to adopt in Lily's honour as well but there's many things you could do:

Make a donation or sponsor a similar looking or personality cat
Making a purchase of food/toys/treats your cat used to like and donating it somewhere or gifting them to friends pets
Sharing you're knowledge of illness and when you decided to choose euthanasia


Nothing brings them back. If it's a hard day and you want to talk just one or twice there are same-day emergency counseling places both virtual and in person at least in Canada. Counseling Connect is the name of one service like that.

 

[epona]

All of us who have loved and been loved in return by an animal companion understand completely what you are going through.

Please write about your feelings here, or memories of your cat, if there is even the slightest chance that it will help just a little (and I think it usually does, even if it is just to unload a build-up of emotion around something). These threads are read by many of us, we understand you, so please know that people are reading and thinking of you.

This sort of loss is something we all here have in common.

 

[Maria Bayote]

I am so sorry.

Sending all my warmest of hugs. Hang in there.

 

[cassiopea]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my sincere condolences

We definitely understand the pain of losing a beloved pet. You are not alone! We will always be here for you.

 

[CaseysMom]

I am so sorry. It does help to reach out and write it down and connect with others who understand. I'm so glad I found this site for that reason too. I just lost my precious soul cat, Casey, on Thursday. I know this grief will be a marathon, not a sprint. Like what you are going through now.

I can relate to you saying you are an introvert and a highly sensitive person. Me too. I think a lot of us who love cats are. It comes with the territory. It makes life really hard sometimes, but honestly, I would not want to be less caring and less feeling.

Hang in there. You are not alone.