I'm Missing Nieve

Hello everyone,

I was in tears when I just discovered this platform, and I believe it is the right place to open about something I don't feel like telling my friends or family about.

My beloved kitten Nieve passed away last summer, she was just a few months old and I still can't overcome it. Though this doesn't affect my daily life, I miss her so much and burst in tears when alone and/or when something reminds me of her.

Here is my story. I live in Switerzland but always spend summer in Spain, where my family comes from. There are a lot of stray cats there, and at that time of the years many kittens are growing up in our area nearby.
A few days after I arrived, my grandma told me that some cat was meowing in a bush and that she saw a white form in it, but it was far from our balcony. Then the next day, an old hag from the neighbourhood went with a broom and got it out brutally out of the bush. Then a white thunderbold ran in the gardens and the caught it and put her in a plastic bag, on her way to the trash. I saw everything from my balcony, and from the urge I just ran out of my house, taking my keys, yelling that I was going to kill that bitch. Since the old hag is also a coward, when she saw me down the street she handled me the bag with the kitten in it, saying "you want it?" and I just replied YES I DO before heading back home. My grandma refused at first that I bring her up because we have another adult indoor cat, Pixel, and she was afraid that the kitten would give her some illness (we once lost another cat because she had escaped and caught an illness from hiding in a hole). But I opened the bag (because that bitch not only was to put the cat in the trash but in a closed bag, I swear I still want to take revenge on her someday for this) to let the kitten breathe and what I saw both break my heart and enchanted me. A tiny white kitten with beautiful, ice-coloured eyes was looking at me with fear. I immediately brought her up, first in a box, then in the back room of our kitchen, where I gave her food and water, before placing her in a homemade cage that we kept on the balcony, since it was always warm there.
We first wanted to find someone who could take care of her in our place, because with Pixel we had to keep the kitten at a distance. But time passed and since we didn't get any help we just kept her. I named her Nieve, went to buy food and medication (because she had stomach parasites and fleas) for her, gave her a bath and grew attached to her. She was very cute and grateful. In the beginning, she would trust me and me alone and was afraid of everyone else because of what the old hag did to her.
Later the same week, my mom arrived at our place and we brought Nieve to the vet a few time to get her vaccinated, and though I really wanted to keep her, my mom convinced me that we had to find a home for her. I was heartbroken but I also knew it was the best we could do for her. By chance, we found an old and kind lady who had just adopted another kitten and was looking for a second one so they could be together. Everything was going fine and three weeks after I found Nieve, we brought her to the lady, where we knew she would live happily.
However, the next day, we received a call from the lady where she was saying that the cat went mad during the night, escaped through the balcony to the neighbour's appartment, and then was nowhere to be found. I went to see the lady and helped looking for her in her appartment, the neighbour's and the neighbourhood. I also asked around if someone had seen a little white cat. Eventually, a shopkeeper told me he did. He saw the cat in the morning, before his shop. Dead. I couldn't believe it, I felt like puking when I heard it, then I burst into tears and had to phone my mom. Everyone at my house was devastated from the news, and I felt terrible. It was no one's fault, and yet I felt guilty, I felt terrible for letting her die, for not staying with her, for not being with her in her last moments. I am sure she panicked at the new place because after a few hours she realized I was nowhere for her and maybe escaped to reach me or something...I wish I had never let her go, I wish I had opposed my family and never accepted to give her away. In the next days after her passing, I cried a lot, got support from my mother, who found the right words. And yet, months after, I still feel sad, I miss my Nieve, I miss our times together, our games, our cuddles, and I wish I could have provided her much more love and for much more time. The old lady who adopted her even agreed on me visiting her from time to time, so really I wasn't prepared for that final departure.
I felt like telling this story to none of my friends, though I know they can be compassionate to me about this, because I just don't want to share the story several times and to many people over and over again. I also don't want to disturb my own family's mourning, because I know they loved Nieve very much too, even if my relationship to her was deeper and more special since I was the one saving her and taking care of her.
I feel this is so unfair. Nieve was a bit weak at first. The vet also noticed that she was actually deaf due to the white hair/blue eyes combination genes, but that didn't affect her beauty nor her wonderful personality. She was so gentle, affectionate, playful and full with life, and her health improved every day thanks to our caring. She was supposed to have a long and great life, and that happened. I didn't witness anything but I see it in dreams, I see her jumping from a high, or I am around town looking for her or trying to keep her by my side but she just always escapes, I keep having those dreams months after and they sink my mood when they happen.
After Nieve's death, my mom told me that I shouldn't be sad because that's not what Nieve would have wished for, that what mattered was that I had given her all my love and she gave me all of hers, that Nieve was now good and she wasn't suffering. She told me that I could try writing her a letter, but I'm not sure that's how I want to do my mourning. I am sure that in the future I will dedicate her some of my art, since I'm a comic artist/illustrator, and I also want to do something for stray cats in Spain, so Nieve can keep existing through her legacy, but those things take time and money, which at the time I don't have, nor do I feel at peace enough for taking that step yet. I couldn't claim her body (who was taking care of the same morning of her death by the town garbage service) because I was fearing so much of seeing her or being given a response like "we burned it" or "threw it to the trash" which is probably what happened anyways, but I also feel her body was secondary, that her soul was what mattered.
Lately I've been grieving even more because a good friend of mine got himself a kitten, and he posts stuff about her daily improvements on twitter, and she's very cute too, but she reminds me of Nieve sometimes, and I burst into tears. It also happens whenever I see a white cat almost, I either cry or hold my tears hard.
I am thus seeking for help and advice on how to mourn her properly and maybe get out of the suffering her death causes me, because as my mom advised, I don't want to make Nieve sad, I want to be grateful for meeting her and being important to her as she was for me and remember her for the good times and the good times alone.
Thanks if you read this through the end.

You did a good thing by taking her in, it is just a shame that you couldn't keep her but we can look back on MANY parts of our lives and say "if only I had done this" or "if only this would have happened", but you saved her from what would have been a horrible death. And I can understand your anger towards the woman who would have done that, but we have to just let that go and I am sure that one day she will be judged by a much higher and more powerful force for her actions, plus that anger could be the grief as it will come out in MANY ways both physically and mentally. It takes time, a lot of time when we experience such awful things like this to get over, and it is very hard to wrap our minds around WHY things like this happen, but we usually never know the answer as to why it happened, it just does.

You have come to the right place, people here understand and can offer great advice or at least a shoulder to cry on. You did a good thing, giving her up was out of your control, but please don't be too hard on yourself, as your little kitty is just fine now, no more pain or worries, it is you who are suffering, but with time, love, support and life moving on you will heal, but it can take a long time, and if you are sad be sad, if you are mad be mad, if you are angry be angry, but eventually things will even out and you will be better, never quite the same, but better.

I am sorry that this happened to you and your kitty, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day. God Bless......

Rest you gentle, Nieve, dream you deep. Your pawprints are forever on someone's heart.

Such a beautiful little girl she was, and still is. I can feel your hurt so deeply through your words. You did all you possibly could for her, I know this. And had you had a choice, she would be with you still. You did not have that choice. Perhaps you must manage to forgive yourself, even though, in reality, there is nothing to forgive. My dear, dear new Friend, love does not die. It changes form, but it does not die. And some day, one day, Nieve's love will guide you in the best way to honor her life. I wish for you comfort and peace, just as Nieve would wish for you. You have an online home here, where people understand, for as long as you should need it.

What a tragic, heartbreaking story! My heart goes out to you, I wish I could make it better. My own tears fall for that sweet little girl, I'll pray for you both. I don't know why things like this happen, you thought you had found her a perfect home, you had no intention, or any idea this would turn out this way, so please don't hold guilt over something you had no control over.
Rest assured her soul will forever be bound to yours, her physical body no longer houses the 'essence' of that beautiful little girl. You gave her love and that is what she wanted above all else. You tried to give her a better life, and that is more than most would have done, as you know full well.She would never want you to be so sad because of her, your mom is right about that. Think how you would want her to live if you were the first to go, you would want joy and happiness in her life, not grief and darkness. She wants no less for the one who saved her life and tried to make her a better life. I know it is hard, but try to concentrate on the joy she brought into your life for such a short while, don't dwell and speculate on her end, it brings nothing but heartache.
Right now your heart is full of grief, it will take a long time to heal that break, and you will always have a scar. But there is something you can control right now, and that is making sure that Nieve is honored, that her legacy of love she left for you will be passed on, and that her short time on this earth was not in vain. You are on the right track about wanting to help with the legions that are exactly like her, through no fault of their own unwanted and unloved. I know it takes time and money, but one day you will have both, and as long as the love for Nieve burns in your soul you will never forget your promise. Right now, you may have a few moments to socialize kittens or give comfort to the older cats at your local shelter. I pay for the adoption of a cat that has been there the longest every few months, and I do it in my Chrissy's name. You can feed the neighborhood strays, or even more importantly try to get people involved in a inexpensive neuter/ spay program to stop all the unwanted litters. Do research on the internet to see if you have any programs around and print up flyers. Hang them in shops or pass them around the neighborhood.
That cruel neighbor that would put a living kitten in a sack and throw it in the trash will someday burn in her own hell for what she has done. Here, I would have reported her to the police for cruelty and pray she pays. She has obviously darkened her soul with doing this before, I would be very afraid of what a monster like that could do next.
I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, please know I cry with you, I know how much a broken heart hurts. Take care of yourself, you cannot change the past, but you can go into the future vowing to make the world a little better because you know the pain of losing that precious girl. It will get better in time, time will soften the sharp edges of grief. You will never forget her, what she meant to you and what she brought to your soul is priceless........RIP precious Nieve, your time on this earth was short, you knew pain and sorrow. But you also knew a love that will burn in your soul for eternity, because it is spiritual, so therefore forever. Your life was treasured by the one who loved you so much, you will be held securely in a loving heart for all time. Good night, sleep tight, little Princess!.

What a sad story. I'm so sorry for your loss. Its people like you that give me hope for humanity. I say this because you had the best of intentions. You did everything right to help Nieve. Its just bad luck that caused things to turn out the way they did. You have a very good heart and I can see you doing many wonderful things in the future for other animals who need help.

I know it can be really tough to lose a pet you really love. For me my cat was the equivalent of a daughter. So I understand the pain you must feel. "Di and Bob" gave some excellent advice on how to overcome the grief and pain you are going through. I would like to add to that. I think it would help to deal with your grief if you adopted a new baby cat that needs help. I know you still live with your parents so the decision is not just yours. However, if they allow you to get a new cat it will help to lessen the grief of losing Nieve. By opening your heart to another cat it will not only take away some of the pain you carry but you will also be honoring Nieve by helping another cat. Over time having your new baby will help deal with the pain because you will be distracted from it.

This is what I did and it has helped me immensely. I still think about my baby everyday but it hurts less often. The love that my new cats show me helps to heal my broken heart bit by bit everyday. I believe it will be the same for you. I truly believe that Nieve is in a better place now. She is there being happy, playing and eating to her hearts content. But she has not forgotten you. She waits there patiently until one day you two can be together again. Until that day comes, just know that because of you Nieve knows what it feels to be truly loved. I think that alone made her short life on this earth truly wonderful.