Second cat didn't work out. Trying to make sense of it all.

[Furballsmom]

He still pines for companionship--he has fairly severe separation anxiety and an overall lonely disposition--

If you haven't, try a comfort toy, and Cat Music.

Amazon.com

 

[lissalouie]

If you haven't, try a comfort toy, and Cat Music.

Amazon.com

I have! He hates the comfort toys, ahaha. He gets so upset around them. I have no idea why; I think it's likely because he's older, can tell they're not real, and hence gets weirded out by the sounds/vibrations. He is also not much of a cat music lover, but he does enjoy cat TV. It's miserable outside this time of year, so I let him watch videos of squirrels and birds to his heart's content.

 

[Kwik]

Hello everyone! Finn was adopted soon after I made my last post. I am thrilled, especially because the rescue demonstrated that they had a much better understanding of who he was and what he needed in a home. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. While it is still very sad that it did not work out for us, he was so sickly when I rescued him and he was so healthy when I brought him back; if nothing else, I feel like I did a good job as a health/socialization foster.

I just wanted to write something here for anyone who stumbles upon this later on when Googling things like "returning cat to shelter" or "might return second cat." There is so much pressure to never return a cat, no matter what, and most of it is well-meaning. But it's not a one-size-fits-all sort of situation and you know your own home best.

I had immense guilt because I genuinely love Finn and wanted so badly to keep him. But he was making my other cat completely miserable. I didn't have a big enough home to keep them separated indefinitely, and I also did not think that would improve either cat's quality of life. I also knew that Finn was young, adorable, sweet, and would be easy to find a more appropriate home for. If he had been an older cat, or a sickly one, or even one that would take longer to adopt out for purely aesthetic reasons, I would have been more stubborn about it. But in this case, it did not make sense to me to make two happy cats frustrated and miserable just because I did not want to return him.

I also had to recognize that a lot of the pushback online is from people whose local rescue culture is vastly different. If I lived in a place with overcrowded shelters that euthanized healthy cats to make room for newcomers, I would have either kept Finn or found him a new home on my own. But the rescue I got Finn from is a no-kill shelter that has a vast network of store partnerships and fosters in cases of overcrowding, so I knew I was not sending him to his doom. Instead, I knew I was giving him a shot at finding a home where he could play as much as he wanted and wouldn't be frustrated with my older cat's inability to reciprocate.

Rory (my resident cat) has been much happier since Finn was brought back. He still pines for companionship--he has fairly severe separation anxiety and an overall lonely disposition--but he seems happy to not have to hide in tiny cubbyholes to avoid being pounced on or deal with a younger cat pushing him out of his favorite spaces. Again, it was just a complete mismatch, and that's okay.

If you are reading this because your second cat is not working out (and if, like me, you will literally explode if one more person tells you to watch a Jackson Galaxy video), it is likely that you also may have gotten poor information from the rescue. Or perhaps you have no information, as the second cat was rescued from outside! In either case, it's not your fault. It's not even the shelter's fault. From my time helping with cat adoptions, I always told my adopters what I observed from my interactions with the cats, but that their actual personality was likely "at least 90 degrees off" from how they acted in a shelter environment. With Finn, it ended up being a 180 degree difference... but there is no way they would have known that. I was able to give them more accurate information that helped him find a better home. You may be able to do the same if it comes down to it.

You also know your own situation best. In my case, I was dealing with intense grief over the loss of my beloved cat Lou... and so was Rory. I also had my disabled mother living with me, which complicated things in terms of introductions. These two things alone added layers of complexity to the process that I had not fully anticipated. I also had a situation where opting for a longer introduction would have been counterproductive, as one of Finn's primary issues was intense territorial insecurity, caused (in part) by his very late neuter. Both he and Rory are cat-friendly and wanted to be friends, but Finn just couldn't help himself from wanting to 'claim' any place Rory had. (Some people will tell you that this is okay and that it's natural for cat hierarchies to be different than we want. I don't disagree completely. However, I could not personally stomach seeing Rory's territory shrink down into the size of a postage stamp just because 'it's nature.' My grief and subsequent protectiveness of Rory complicated this as well. Like I said, as in all things, you know your situation best.)

Adoption regret is a real thing and I am not advocating for everyone to immediately return their cats to the shelter the second it feels uncomfortable. But if you are in a situation where you really tried to work things out and do things right and it's just not working, or there are issues way beyond your personal power to fix, I don't think you should feel guilt or shame for considering it. I am hoping to bring another friend home soon--but this time I know exactly what I'm looking for.

Not every cat is going to be right for every home and that's okay. We all do the best we can with the information that we have at the time. If I'd had a different living situation--a bigger home without a two-cat limit--I could have possibly made things work. But that's not my reality and it's okay. Finn is going to make his new family so immeasurably happy, and what could be better than that?

Awww,thanks for sharing the wonderful Christmas Blessing Finn Received - I'm so happy to hear the good news!

Well,I certainly understand that guilt,I've been in a position where I had to "let go" of a couple of animals I fell madly in love with but it was not in their best interest to live in my home- long stories ,one was a Timberwolf another was an Attack on Command dog and another was a sickly Bobcat..... in any event,for whatever the reasons are we must do what is in the animals best interest,that's love and sometimes real love hurts

I hope you've found nothing but support & encouragement here at TCS-- it's a very special place with very special people - and now you have an experience under your belt that will offer support & encouragement to others.

Only moments ago I was just telling someone that perhaps it best to let go of their kitties while they're young & adoptable if they are considering giving them up..... if it were up to me I'd rescue and keep every single ANIMAL in need,it's not possible- its unrealistic and we have to have happy healthy home for all concerned

 

[lissalouie]

Another update! I found the post the rescue made about Finn's newest adoption and I could not be happier. They were able to find him a home with a family whose young, active cat had lost her feline friend to cancer. I am so grateful that he will have someone to play with and to love on. I now feel like everything happened for a reason; had I not taken him in, the rescue would have likely never known his actual personality. He was so sick, too, and very likely needed someone safe and quiet to recover. I was able to get him healthy again and give them the guidance they needed to find him the perfect home. I hope I hear from the adopters someday, but even if I don't, I am over the moon that he is with a young buddy who needs him. AND it's now a month past his neuter, so he likely won't be as oddly territorial at random times like before. Hoorah!

 

[Furballsmom]

I now feel like everything happened for a reason;

 

[Alldara]

A lovely happy ending for him. Below is mostly to add to, as you said if someone Google's rehoming.

Responsible rehoming, especially through a program truly is best in some situations. I've been in that situation before (not with cats), and it is a difficult choice to make. It should be prevented as it's hard on everyone...but, to me, I think it's that initial step of "what and who do I bring home?" where people don't research or think things through ahead of time.

In your case the shelter had poor information. It happens even to the best shelters and fosters. It can't be helped. Just as sometimes life hits you when you least expect it and it can't be helped that rehoming happens.

Many of us have initial anxiety and guilt over adding a new family member. It takes time to trial things and get it sorted. Sometimes it's a matter of managing expectations, sometimes it takes human learning and sometimes, like you said, it's a matter of rehoming.

**If anyone is thinking of rehoming be sure to check your adoption contract. You may be contracted to return your pet to where it came from, or let the rescue screen the new family. It is VITAL that you follow the rules of your contract and reach out to the rescue...and trust me, they want you to, should the situation arise.

 

[Oreo1111]

Hello everyone! Finn was adopted soon after I made my last post. I am thrilled, especially because the rescue demonstrated that they had a much better understanding of who he was and what he needed in a home. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. While it is still very sad that it did not work out for us, he was so sickly when I rescued him and he was so healthy when I brought him back; if nothing else, I feel like I did a good job as a health/socialization foster.

I just wanted to write something here for anyone who stumbles upon this later on when Googling things like "returning cat to shelter" or "might return second cat." There is so much pressure to never return a cat, no matter what, and most of it is well-meaning. But it's not a one-size-fits-all sort of situation and you know your own home best.

I had immense guilt because I genuinely love Finn and wanted so badly to keep him. But he was making my other cat completely miserable. I didn't have a big enough home to keep them separated indefinitely, and I also did not think that would improve either cat's quality of life. I also knew that Finn was young, adorable, sweet, and would be easy to find a more appropriate home for. If he had been an older cat, or a sickly one, or even one that would take longer to adopt out for purely aesthetic reasons, I would have been more stubborn about it. But in this case, it did not make sense to me to make two happy cats frustrated and miserable just because I did not want to return him.

I also had to recognize that a lot of the pushback online is from people whose local rescue culture is vastly different. If I lived in a place with overcrowded shelters that euthanized healthy cats to make room for newcomers, I would have either kept Finn or found him a new home on my own. But the rescue I got Finn from is a no-kill shelter that has a vast network of store partnerships and fosters in cases of overcrowding, so I knew I was not sending him to his doom. Instead, I knew I was giving him a shot at finding a home where he could play as much as he wanted and wouldn't be frustrated with my older cat's inability to reciprocate.

Rory (my resident cat) has been much happier since Finn was brought back. He still pines for companionship--he has fairly severe separation anxiety and an overall lonely disposition--but he seems happy to not have to hide in tiny cubbyholes to avoid being pounced on or deal with a younger cat pushing him out of his favorite spaces. Again, it was just a complete mismatch, and that's okay.

If you are reading this because your second cat is not working out (and if, like me, you will literally explode if one more person tells you to watch a Jackson Galaxy video), it is likely that you also may have gotten poor information from the rescue. Or perhaps you have no information, as the second cat was rescued from outside! In either case, it's not your fault. It's not even the shelter's fault. From my time helping with cat adoptions, I always told my adopters what I observed from my interactions with the cats, but that their actual personality was likely "at least 90 degrees off" from how they acted in a shelter environment. With Finn, it ended up being a 180 degree difference... but there is no way they would have known that. I was able to give them more accurate information that helped him find a better home. You may be able to do the same if it comes down to it.

You also know your own situation best. In my case, I was dealing with intense grief over the loss of my beloved cat Lou... and so was Rory. I also had my disabled mother living with me, which complicated things in terms of introductions. These two things alone added layers of complexity to the process that I had not fully anticipated. I also had a situation where opting for a longer introduction would have been counterproductive, as one of Finn's primary issues was intense territorial insecurity, caused (in part) by his very late neuter. Both he and Rory are cat-friendly and wanted to be friends, but Finn just couldn't help himself from wanting to 'claim' any place Rory had. (Some people will tell you that this is okay and that it's natural for cat hierarchies to be different than we want. I don't disagree completely. However, I could not personally stomach seeing Rory's territory shrink down into the size of a postage stamp just because 'it's nature.' My grief and subsequent protectiveness of Rory complicated this as well. Like I said, as in all things, you know your situation best.)

Adoption regret is a real thing and I am not advocating for everyone to immediately return their cats to the shelter the second it feels uncomfortable. But if you are in a situation where you really tried to work things out and do things right and it's just not working, or there are issues way beyond your personal power to fix, I don't think you should feel guilt or shame for considering it. I am hoping to bring another friend home soon--but this time I know exactly what I'm looking for.

Not every cat is going to be right for every home and that's okay. We all do the best we can with the information that we have at the time. If I'd had a different living situation--a bigger home without a two-cat limit--I could have possibly made things work. But that's not my reality and it's okay. Finn is going to make his new family so immeasurably happy, and what could be better than that?

I'm one of those "Googling" people- thank you for your thoughtful words. I'm in a similar situation right now, but I have not returned the boy yet. I care so much about this cat, but I just can't imagine it working at this rate.

I could give it longer, but I think I'd just be doing that for myself. This is no quality of life, being trapped in my home office. I want him to find his forever home. I asked if I could foster him, and the shelter said no because they have so few cats, they think he'd get adopted within a week by being on-site. I guess this is okay, but the thought of him being there any longer than that kills me. He's an extremely handsome cat, so I hope he flies off the shelf. But then again, being optimistic is what got me into this mess. He was originally surrendered for not getting along with dogs, and the shelter assured me he should be fine with other cats. Now I know the truth.

 

[Oreo1111]

I'm one of those "Googling" people- thank you for your thoughtful words. I'm in a similar situation right now, but I have not returned the boy yet. I care so much about this cat, but I just can't imagine it working at this rate.

I could give it longer, but I think I'd just be doing that for myself. This is no quality of life, being trapped in my home office. I want him to find his forever home. I asked if I could foster him, and the shelter said no because they have so few cats, they think he'd get adopted within a week by being on-site. I guess this is okay, but the thought of him being there any longer than that kills me. He's an extremely handsome cat, so I hope he flies off the shelf. But then again, being optimistic is what got me into this mess. He was originally surrendered for not getting along with dogs, and the shelter assured me he should be fine with other cats. Now I know the truth.

Update: I returned him and the shelter re-listed him online as requiring a dog & cat free home. A staff member told me he was a bully while in their care but it wasn’t documented in his file. So when I originally inquired about him, the person I spoke with didn’t have this knowledge Well anyways, he was adopted in less than 4 days! They were closed for most of those days due to the severe snow storm. I’m so glad it worked out and feel lucky. I hope he’s settling into his new home. He was very lovable and sometimes I do miss him a lot, but the reality is he was a danger to my little resident cat and seemed unhappy around other animals- so I had to let go.

 

[lissalouie]

Update: I returned him and the shelter re-listed him online as requiring a dog & cat free home. A staff member told me he was a bully while in their care but it wasn’t documented in his file. So when I originally inquired about him, the person I spoke with didn’t have this knowledge Well anyways, he was adopted in less than 4 days! They were closed for most of those days due to the severe snow storm. I’m so glad it worked out and feel lucky. I hope he’s settling into his new home. He was very lovable and sometimes I do miss him a lot, but the reality is he was a danger to my little resident cat and seemed unhappy around other animals- so I had to let go.

I am so glad it worked out for you and everyone involved! Stay safe in the snowstorm--we're having one here too in Western NY and it's been nice to just relax with my kitty.

 

[lissalouie]

Update many months later.

I wanted to write something here for anyone who finds this thread while Googling "second cat isn't working out" and feeling intense guilt. I was super hesitant to even try again after the situation I wrote about above, even though I knew my resident cat was cat-friendly. I felt like I couldn't trust my instincts and it was just safer to keep Rory solo than try again.

Luckily, something nudged me to go to the SPCA in early March. I went with no expectations, but took home a sweet blue female cat that the volunteers said was very cat-friendly and easygoing. I kept her and Rory separated for a few days but the process went much faster than expected; within a week she was fully integrated into our home. It's been a little under two months now and I would actually say they are good friends.

They play, wrestle, cuddle, and groom each other. I know this sort of thing is a major outlier--most adult cats will not bond within weeks of first meeting--but I wanted to share that there is hope for your family even if one adoption fails.

I also want to stress that every cat is an individual and every relationship is unique. While the SPCA said Maisie was four, my vet estimates she is likely closer to eight. Rory is five and a half. The new cat being potentially older was not the issue I worried it would be. I also fretted that a female cat may not like it if Rory tried to roughhouse like he did with my late cat; it turns out that she loves wrestling and is the one who initiates it most of the time.

It's been so good to see him have that cat socialization he loves so much again. And it's a lovely feeling to know this ol' stray girl will be safe, warm, and loved for the rest of her days.

 

[Kwik]

Update many months later.

I wanted to write something here for anyone who finds this thread while Googling "second cat isn't working out" and feeling intense guilt. I was super hesitant to even try again after the situation I wrote about above, even though I knew my resident cat was cat-friendly. I felt like I couldn't trust my instincts and it was just safer to keep Rory solo than try again.

Luckily, something nudged me to go to the SPCA in early March. I went with no expectations, but took home a sweet blue female cat that the volunteers said was very cat-friendly and easygoing. I kept her and Rory separated for a few days but the process went much faster than expected; within a week she was fully integrated into our home. It's been a little under two months now and I would actually say they are good friends.

They play, wrestle, cuddle, and groom each other. I know this sort of thing is a major outlier--most adult cats will not bond within weeks of first meeting--but I wanted to share that there is hope for your family even if one adoption fails.

I also want to stress that every cat is an individual and every relationship is unique. While the SPCA said Maisie was four, my vet estimates she is likely closer to eight. Rory is five and a half. The new cat being potentially older was not the issue I worried it would be. I also fretted that a female cat may not like it if Rory tried to roughhouse like he did with my late cat; it turns out that she loves wrestling and is the one who initiates it most of the time.

It's been so good to see him have that cat socialization he loves so much again. And it's a lovely feeling to know this ol' stray girl will be safe, warm, and loved for the rest of her days.

Congratulations on your newest family member- nice to see you again and happy to hear you opened up your heart and home to Maise- sometimes it just works out so easily as if they grew up together and that's always a dream come true for everyone - Glad Rory has a friend

 

[Oreo1111]

Update many months later.

I wanted to write something here for anyone who finds this thread while Googling "second cat isn't working out" and feeling intense guilt. I was super hesitant to even try again after the situation I wrote about above, even though I knew my resident cat was cat-friendly. I felt like I couldn't trust my instincts and it was just safer to keep Rory solo than try again.

Luckily, something nudged me to go to the SPCA in early March. I went with no expectations, but took home a sweet blue female cat that the volunteers said was very cat-friendly and easygoing. I kept her and Rory separated for a few days but the process went much faster than expected; within a week she was fully integrated into our home. It's been a little under two months now and I would actually say they are good friends.

They play, wrestle, cuddle, and groom each other. I know this sort of thing is a major outlier--most adult cats will not bond within weeks of first meeting--but I wanted to share that there is hope for your family even if one adoption fails.

I also want to stress that every cat is an individual and every relationship is unique. While the SPCA said Maisie was four, my vet estimates she is likely closer to eight. Rory is five and a half. The new cat being potentially older was not the issue I worried it would be. I also fretted that a female cat may not like it if Rory tried to roughhouse like he did with my late cat; it turns out that she loves wrestling and is the one who initiates it most of the time.

It's been so good to see him have that cat socialization he loves so much again. And it's a lovely feeling to know this ol' stray girl will be safe, warm, and loved for the rest of her days.

Yay!! Thanks for the update & congrats on the new cat!

You’re absolutely right- cats are such individuals. We put female cats together 3 times and it went perfectly fine each time. This 4th time was my only bad integration. Hoping another cat comes into my life too…

Congrats again, have fun

 

[Furballsmom]

You're marvelous, and thanks so much for the wonderful update