Second cat didn't work out. Trying to make sense of it all.

[lissalouie]

I'm new here, so apologies if this is not the right forum. I just want to talk about a recent experience of mine and see what I can learn from it. This is very, very long.

I have a very sweet 5-year-old neutered male cat named Rory. I took him in about a year and a half ago. At the time, I also had a senior neutered male cat named Lou. I lived by myself at the time and did a very slow introduction, and it was wonderful. They got along incredibly well and I believe would have become the very best of friends in time. Sadly, Lou passed away in September after a very sudden decline that ended up being a tumor bleed; he'd had his senior checkup just weeks before and was deemed in the best shape of his life, so it was very shocking and heartbreaking.

Before me, Rory had lived in many different homes. His first owner foster failed him and his littermates. She passed away and they were all split up. He spent time in a few foster homes before being placed in a cat cafe near me. I fell in love with him there and wanted to apply to adopt him, but somebody else beat me to it. When it ended up not working out for them and their senior cat, they reached out to me to see if I'd take him. All this to say, Rory has gone through a lot of change and loss in his life, but the one constant has always been the presence of other cats.

Without Lou around, he became depressed. So, even though I wasn't ready, I decided to try and find him a new friend. My mother had also moved in with me over the past year, which complicated things, but we both felt certain that, with the right cat, we could make it work in our cramped space.

A month ago I went to a rescue to look at some cats. I told the shelter what I wanted--not a kitten, mellow, gentle, good with other cats. Rory wanted a companion he could watch birds out the window with, cuddle and groom, and occasionally play with for short bursts of time. We met Finn there. They told us he was very mellow, very gentle, very affectionate, but warned us that he may not be the most playful cat. In fact, they told us they doubted he would ever play with Rory. I know from previous work in shelter adoptions, though, that a cat's baseline changes when they are out of a shelter environment, so I figured he could learn how to play a little bit--and if he didn't, that was fine too. I fell in love and took him home.

At first, he was mellow, gentle, and affectionate. However, when I was finally sent his full medical workup paperwork, I noticed something they hadn't disclosed to me. Despite being over 2 years old, he had just been neutered two days ago. (The stench of his pee confirmed this!) He also had a horrible URI that they had told me was just a mild one. So his mellowness was in large part due to being in recovery from his neuter and from being sick.

I nursed him back to health, keeping him separate from Rory the whole time.

We were using my mom's bedroom as his basecamp. It made sense at the time, as it was the smaller of the rooms (I rent the apartment and she moved in months after I moved here) and because Rory is attached to my bedroom. My bathroom is way too small for any sort of cat. I wouldn't even put a kitten in there. While this room worked great for Lou and Rory's introductions the previous year, it was not ideal this time. As Finn became healthier, his energy levels increased dramatically. This meant he tried to dash for the door whenever my mom would need to use the restroom at night, and she started feeling like she had to hold her bladder for far longer than healthy for her. It also meant that whenever she had to access her room it became a big process of making sure he didn't get out, and after a week and a half of recovery, he wanted out.

I had bought a six-foot-tall cat gate for the door. We tried to move to the 'limited visual access' part of the introduction once my vet cleared Finn for being able to be near Rory. Neither cat expressed any sort of hostility or fear. I honestly feel both of them are very cat-friendly cats and know that, Rory, at least, would accept any cat. However, we could not spend nearly as long at this stage as I would have liked because Finn, who had been barely able to jump on the bed just days ago, cleared the six-foot-tall gate in a single leap.

(Note: I wanted to buy a temporary screen door and use that instead, but my apartment doors are all a custom size and I could not find anything that fit. For Lou and Rory I had used one of those velcro screens that go over the doorway, but Finn would have torn that down in an instant.)

I know how to introduce cats. I had been planning on doing more site swapping while also giving them more time to get used to each other. But Finn was out, and... it seemed okay? They spent most of that day lounging on the couch with me. I felt pretty happy about it all, especially as Finn was fine going back in the room at bedtime.

But as the days passed, more and more issues presented themselves. Finn could NOT be contained in the basecamp room unless the door was fully shut. The instant it was cracked open, he was out. The gate was pointless. And I began noticing some more territorial behavior from him that gave me pause.

My apartment is fairly small but it is full of resources. I have four tall cat trees and many smaller ones. I have enough beds to comfort a small army of cats. I have shelves on some walls. I have cat heating pads and even a small 24-inch TV on the floor to play squirrel videos on when the weather turns cold here. I have more toys than I know what to do with. I also work from home, so access to me is not a limited resource. I say all this to make it clear that this was not an issue of resources, as there were plenty.

I also had Feliway going on in every room.

Finn would be perfectly fine and content, and then he would suddenly become hyperfixated on Rory. He would start chirping and whining until he found him, and then he would launch himself on top of him--even if he was sleeping in another room. Rory loved to wrestle with Lou, but it was a slower, gentler pace; it became very clear to me very quickly that Finn never learned how to play nice with other cats. His body language was completely relaxed, but Rory would be constantly crying out and scrambling to get away, and Finn would chase him and pin him down to pull him back into a wrestling match until I intervened. Rory would hiss or even growl and Finn wouldn't respond; it was like he didn't know what those sounds meant. Rory was trying to teach him his limits but Finn did not understand the lesson. At no point did I think it was genuinely aggressive on Finn's part, but he just could not seem to grasp that he was hurting Rory and Rory didn't like certain things.

Finn's energy was very high. This is the second part that stumped me. I know that, in issues of mismatched energy levels (like kitten/senior, etc.), the role of the human is to play the energy out of the younger cat so they don't have to use the older cat as a play object. I had a ton of success with this when introducing Rory to Lou, and I've also seen it work wonders with kittens I volunteered with at a different shelter. But playing with Finn had the opposite effect. He never got tired. He never wore down. In fact, playing with him seemed to rev him up even more. I took a record one day of my attempt, and I played with Finn for 70 minutes straight--had him jumping, running, climbing up and down cat trees, darting into other rooms, etc.--and not only did he not get tired once, he still launched himself at Rory the instant he saw him, chasing him up the cat shelves while Rory hissed in futility.

I tried using puzzle feeders to activate his brain instead of his body, but they did not have much of an impact. I wanted to harness train him and take him outside, but I live somewhere very cold during this time of year and some of my neighbors at my apartment complex refuse to leash their dogs, so I didn't think it would work.

Finn would also climb into bed with Rory, pin him down, and groom him. Rory would try to groom him back. This always became a 'fight', as it was more dominance-based grooming than any sort of affectionate grooming, and Rory started avoiding his favorite bed because of it. Finn also would try to do the same to Rory on the cat trees, which felt more dangerous to me.

It wasn't always terrible. The only thing Finn found more interesting than Rory was food. During meal times, they could eat near each other fine. And despite everything, Rory really wanted to like Finn. When Finn would be lounging around, Rory would try to come up and touch noses, lie next to him--but Finn would immediately decide it was play time, and his play was just way too rough for Rory.

I really love Finn. When Rory was not around--when he fell asleep in my room and I was able to close the door before either noticed--he was a different cat. He was affectionate, cuddly, and could settle down. The instant Rory was around, he no longer could settle. The only times there were peace were when they were both sleeping during the daytime--and even that was inconsistent due to Finn's energy shifts.

I was still determined to make things work. My mom was increasingly stressed out about not being able to use the bathroom at night without risking Finn getting out and disturbing Rory. I suggested moving Finn to my room, but seeing that Rory is used to sleeping there, we didn't know if it would disturb his routine too much or make him feel even more pushed out of his territory. Finn had become more and more territorial, targeting Rory whenever Rory was in certain places that he also liked (even though Rory was more than willing to share). I spoke to my vet and to a behaviorist, and they both suggested it was likely a mixture of single kitten syndrome (as an adult) and the late neuter. He had a ton of testosterone still in his system, and even though he seemed to want to be friendly, he couldn't help but feel threatened by my big lump of an older cat.

I started noticing changes in Rory. He moved around the perimeters of the rooms. He became very agitated when Finn would come near him. He looked over his shoulder constantly. His body felt stiff and rigid even in rest. He started having softer poops that sometimes didn't make it completely into the box. He had a herpes flare up. He was obviously stressed out. When I would move Finn into another room, however, he would cry and chirp and paw at the doors and that also seemed to stress Rory out. If I spent time with Finn in the room alone, Rory would cry from the other side--and that would get Finn worked up.

Still. I tried calming supplements. I tried playing with Finn in a separate room before letting him out to see if he could burn energy better without Rory in his general area. I asked for advice on the internet and got a lot of "have you heard of Jackson Galaxy" which was not at all helpful. I don't think the issue had anything to do with lack of familiarity between Rory and Finn; I think Finn was just so overstimulated by the presence of Rory in his space that he couldn't get over it. His eyes would dilate and he would just want to pounce and play, which would have been fine had he not always taken it way too far. Rory had no safe space anymore and Finn never backed down when asked.

There was a terrible incident the other day where they had been wrestling, and it seemed good--nice, quiet, and Rory's body language wasn't tense, so I let it go. But, like always, Finn started getting rougher, and the intensity escalated. Rory cried out and tried to get away, but Finn kept him held down. I tried to intervene at this point, which usually worked, but this time it didn't. Rory tried to free himself and this seemed to fire Finn up more, and in his excitement he nearly gouged Rory's eye. I was able to physically intervene right before it happened so he only got his brow, but Rory cried out and Finn just kept going, chirping happily, and I realized then that he had no idea at all what any of Rory's sounds meant--the cries, the hisses, the growls, anything. At that moment, Rory was just a kicker toy and he was innocently playing.

I spoke to the shelter after that. I told them, look, his energy level is way too high for my other cat, and he is constantly both over and understimulated; at times his body is just vibrating with energy that no amount of playing can cut out. I had an appointment set up with my vet to talk about potential medication, but it wasn't for another two weeks, and after this incident, I didn't know if we had that much time.

I had to look at my entire situation. If it had just been me and the cats, it may have been able to work, as I could have found more ways of blocking off Finn's access to the rest of the apartment without causing duress to my mom. If Finn hadn't just been neutered, it may have been able to work, as that territorial edge may have been lessened. If I had a house rather than an apartment, it may have been able to work, as I could have created a catio and given Finn (or Rory!) safe time outside to unwind--and I could have changed out the doors to add a microchip cat door for Rory to give him a place he could escape to. If I hadn't been still deep in the pits of grief over losing Lou, it may have been able to work, as I would have had more emotional reserves for the process. If I didn't have a two cat limit at my apartment, it may have been able to work, as I could have brought in a third cat for Finn to play with. If, if, if...

But as it was, it wasn't working. Rory was miserable. Finn was too. He was frustrated that he couldn't ever feel satiated with play. He hated being separated. As much as he unintentionally (I believe) bullied Rory, he also liked him a lot too. He wanted to be friends but didn't know how, and while Rory tried to tell him, he was not assertive enough to break the barrier. When I had first introduced Rory to Lou, Rory pushed Lou's boundaries... for a few days. Lou was able to clearly communicate what was and was not acceptable, and Rory was able to understand it, and they got along swimmingly. I tried to let this process happen here, but despite Rory's attempts to set boundaries, Finn just did not understand.

We brought him back to the rescue yesterday. I offered to foster him until they found a home, but they didn't want to risk it.

I was heartbroken. I loved this little guy and wanted him to be our newest family member. I felt--feel--like a failure. But I also know he needed a very different environment than I could offer. Not in terms of resources--he loved the cat trees and all my plush blankets and all the toys--but in terms of company. He probably would do great in a home with much younger cats who could match his energy and help him burn it off, or as a single cat who could, without the stimulus of other cats around him, actually settle down after play. Despite the fact that Rory is the least threatening cat ever, he still was too worked up about him being around to fully relax, and that's no fair to him. Perhaps in a month or two when his hormones bottomed out it would have been different, but I couldn't risk him accidentally hurting Rory or Rory accidentally hurting him in self-defense.

I keep wondering if he feels betrayed or abandoned. He was such a sweet cat when Rory wasn't involved. I really did love him so much and even now wish I could go back and get him... except that Rory is so much happier now. He is back to purring and rolling on his back and asking for cuddles, and he is walking through the center of the room instead of the sides. I hadn't realized how terrified he really had been--and how brave he had been trying to be--until seeing him now. I got out his favorite toy to play with him and he kept looking over his shoulder, and even walked over to check my room and my moms' room before coming back to engage.

It just sucks. Thankfully, the rescue is positive he will find a home within a day or two; he is an adorable ginger boy with big orange eyes. He will wrap his arms around potential adopters' necks and rub his face against theirs. I miss that. But someone else will love it and take him home and make him so happy. I'm so sure of it.

My question is this: other than a longer introduction (which, again, was my plan, until he suddenly became Tigger and leapt over the six-foot gate and could no longer be contained), what else did I miss? Was this a case of potential hyperthyroidism? Was Finn a cat who actually needed to be a single cat? Was the late neuter maybe a bigger part of the problem than expected? Has anyone else experienced something like this? I don't blame the rescue for having given me the wrong information when I adopted him; he hadn't been there long enough for them to realize that his mellowness was all due to being sick and sore. But I do wish they had gone over the full medical history with me instead of the summary; had I seen he was just neutered I would have passed on him.

I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of this as I never thought I'd be the person to bring a cat back. I just didn't feel it was safe for Rory, and all the ideas I had to try and make it work just weren't doable in my current environment. There is such a terrible stigma about returning cats, but I do want to believe that sometimes it's better to give everyone a shot at a better fit and happier life than to just try and force tolerance. Rory loves cats and would love to have a cat friend who he could hang with without fear. And Finn needs a home where his energy can have a safe outlet, so he can curl up at night with his humans happy and content.

And honestly, in an ideal world, I wouldn't have done any of this, as my Lou would still be here. But we don't get to pick our realities, so I'm doing the best I can. But if anybody can help me make a bit more sense out of this, I'd be so appreciative. Thank you for reading any of this novel.

 

[ArtNJ]

I think it was just the activity mismatch. A longer intro wouldn't have necessarily done anything. You have all the knowledge and the skills, but the fact remains you've got a very chill 5 year old that doesn't want a high energy play-play-play youngster that is going to ignore signals. And some two year olds, trying to drain their energy through play is like trying to drain the ocean with a bucket.

So personally, I don't think this was ever going to work, or at least not without a *lot* of time and stress. Typically, a 5 year old and a 2 year old would be doable, but you have a 2 year old that is still in the stupid enthusiasm for play & ignore all signals stage, and a 5 year old that is acting like an older cat. So at best that is a very hard intro that is going to take a lot of time, basically akin to trying to introduce your average one year old to your average senior cat. Its quite often doable with stress and time, but its rarely a good experience.

Like you said in your post, how they act in the shelter is not always how they act once they settle into your home. No adoption is totally safe that way, but I wouldn't trust any young cat to be a match for your 5 year old. Maybe an older cat that loves cats & has relatively recently accepted a new playmate. (Remember, cats get worse at accepting new cats as they age, so the history is of limited value if it isn't recent.)

 

[lissalouie]

I think it was just the activity mismatch. A longer intro wouldn't have necessarily done anything. You have all the knowledge and the skills, but the fact remains you've got a very chill 5 year old that doesn't want a high energy play-play-play youngster that is going to ignore signals. And some two year olds, trying to drain their energy through play is like trying to drain the ocean with a bucket.

Thank you SO much. I have been beating myself up thinking I didn't give it enough time or try hard enough, but the energy mismatch felt insurmountable--especially since my attempts to try and take the edge off his energy only seemed to make it worse. I also felt like a longer intro would have probably been counterproductive at best, but that's the conventional wisdom and I have a hard time shaking it.

Rory loved to play with my older cat, Lou, and they would wrestle 4-5 times a day... but, like, for 2-3 minutes at a time, haha. If Finn had his way, he would go on for hours. I really hope I get word that he finds a home with a proper playmate soon. I made certain to tell the rescue everything I could while painting him in the most adoring light possible, because he was a wonderful cat--just not for my family.

 

[Kwik]

I'm new here, so apologies if this is not the right forum. I just want to talk about a recent experience of mine and see what I can learn from it. This is very, very long.

I have a very sweet 5-year-old neutered male cat named Rory. I took him in about a year and a half ago. At the time, I also had a senior neutered male cat named Lou. I lived by myself at the time and did a very slow introduction, and it was wonderful. They got along incredibly well and I believe would have become the very best of friends in time. Sadly, Lou passed away in September after a very sudden decline that ended up being a tumor bleed; he'd had his senior checkup just weeks before and was deemed in the best shape of his life, so it was very shocking and heartbreaking.

Before me, Rory had lived in many different homes. His first owner foster failed him and his littermates. She passed away and they were all split up. He spent time in a few foster homes before being placed in a cat cafe near me. I fell in love with him there and wanted to apply to adopt him, but somebody else beat me to it. When it ended up not working out for them and their senior cat, they reached out to me to see if I'd take him. All this to say, Rory has gone through a lot of change and loss in his life, but the one constant has always been the presence of other cats.

Without Lou around, he became depressed. So, even though I wasn't ready, I decided to try and find him a new friend. My mother had also moved in with me over the past year, which complicated things, but we both felt certain that, with the right cat, we could make it work in our cramped space.

A month ago I went to a rescue to look at some cats. I told the shelter what I wanted--not a kitten, mellow, gentle, good with other cats. Rory wanted a companion he could watch birds out the window with, cuddle and groom, and occasionally play with for short bursts of time. We met Finn there. They told us he was very mellow, very gentle, very affectionate, but warned us that he may not be the most playful cat. In fact, they told us they doubted he would ever play with Rory. I know from previous work in shelter adoptions, though, that a cat's baseline changes when they are out of a shelter environment, so I figured he could learn how to play a little bit--and if he didn't, that was fine too. I fell in love and took him home.

At first, he was mellow, gentle, and affectionate. However, when I was finally sent his full medical workup paperwork, I noticed something they hadn't disclosed to me. Despite being over 2 years old, he had just been neutered two days ago. (The stench of his pee confirmed this!) He also had a horrible URI that they had told me was just a mild one. So his mellowness was in large part due to being in recovery from his neuter and from being sick.

I nursed him back to health, keeping him separate from Rory the whole time.

We were using my mom's bedroom as his basecamp. It made sense at the time, as it was the smaller of the rooms (I rent the apartment and she moved in months after I moved here) and because Rory is attached to my bedroom. My bathroom is way too small for any sort of cat. I wouldn't even put a kitten in there. While this room worked great for Lou and Rory's introductions the previous year, it was not ideal this time. As Finn became healthier, his energy levels increased dramatically. This meant he tried to dash for the door whenever my mom would need to use the restroom at night, and she started feeling like she had to hold her bladder for far longer than healthy for her. It also meant that whenever she had to access her room it became a big process of making sure he didn't get out, and after a week and a half of recovery, he wanted out.

I had bought a six-foot-tall cat gate for the door. We tried to move to the 'limited visual access' part of the introduction once my vet cleared Finn for being able to be near Rory. Neither cat expressed any sort of hostility or fear. I honestly feel both of them are very cat-friendly cats and know that, Rory, at least, would accept any cat. However, we could not spend nearly as long at this stage as I would have liked because Finn, who had been barely able to jump on the bed just days ago, cleared the six-foot-tall gate in a single leap.

(Note: I wanted to buy a temporary screen door and use that instead, but my apartment doors are all a custom size and I could not find anything that fit. For Lou and Rory I had used one of those velcro screens that go over the doorway, but Finn would have torn that down in an instant.)

I know how to introduce cats. I had been planning on doing more site swapping while also giving them more time to get used to each other. But Finn was out, and... it seemed okay? They spent most of that day lounging on the couch with me. I felt pretty happy about it all, especially as Finn was fine going back in the room at bedtime.

But as the days passed, more and more issues presented themselves. Finn could NOT be contained in the basecamp room unless the door was fully shut. The instant it was cracked open, he was out. The gate was pointless. And I began noticing some more territorial behavior from him that gave me pause.

My apartment is fairly small but it is full of resources. I have four tall cat trees and many smaller ones. I have enough beds to comfort a small army of cats. I have shelves on some walls. I have cat heating pads and even a small 24-inch TV on the floor to play squirrel videos on when the weather turns cold here. I have more toys than I know what to do with. I also work from home, so access to me is not a limited resource. I say all this to make it clear that this was not an issue of resources, as there were plenty.

I also had Feliway going on in every room.

Finn would be perfectly fine and content, and then he would suddenly become hyperfixated on Rory. He would start chirping and whining until he found him, and then he would launch himself on top of him--even if he was sleeping in another room. Rory loved to wrestle with Lou, but it was a slower, gentler pace; it became very clear to me very quickly that Finn never learned how to play nice with other cats. His body language was completely relaxed, but Rory would be constantly crying out and scrambling to get away, and Finn would chase him and pin him down to pull him back into a wrestling match until I intervened. Rory would hiss or even growl and Finn wouldn't respond; it was like he didn't know what those sounds meant. Rory was trying to teach him his limits but Finn did not understand the lesson. At no point did I think it was genuinely aggressive on Finn's part, but he just could not seem to grasp that he was hurting Rory and Rory didn't like certain things.

Finn's energy was very high. This is the second part that stumped me. I know that, in issues of mismatched energy levels (like kitten/senior, etc.), the role of the human is to play the energy out of the younger cat so they don't have to use the older cat as a play object. I had a ton of success with this when introducing Rory to Lou, and I've also seen it work wonders with kittens I volunteered with at a different shelter. But playing with Finn had the opposite effect. He never got tired. He never wore down. In fact, playing with him seemed to rev him up even more. I took a record one day of my attempt, and I played with Finn for 70 minutes straight--had him jumping, running, climbing up and down cat trees, darting into other rooms, etc.--and not only did he not get tired once, he still launched himself at Rory the instant he saw him, chasing him up the cat shelves while Rory hissed in futility.

I tried using puzzle feeders to activate his brain instead of his body, but they did not have much of an impact. I wanted to harness train him and take him outside, but I live somewhere very cold during this time of year and some of my neighbors at my apartment complex refuse to leash their dogs, so I didn't think it would work.

Finn would also climb into bed with Rory, pin him down, and groom him. Rory would try to groom him back. This always became a 'fight', as it was more dominance-based grooming than any sort of affectionate grooming, and Rory started avoiding his favorite bed because of it. Finn also would try to do the same to Rory on the cat trees, which felt more dangerous to me.

It wasn't always terrible. The only thing Finn found more interesting than Rory was food. During meal times, they could eat near each other fine. And despite everything, Rory really wanted to like Finn. When Finn would be lounging around, Rory would try to come up and touch noses, lie next to him--but Finn would immediately decide it was play time, and his play was just way too rough for Rory.

I really love Finn. When Rory was not around--when he fell asleep in my room and I was able to close the door before either noticed--he was a different cat. He was affectionate, cuddly, and could settle down. The instant Rory was around, he no longer could settle. The only times there were peace were when they were both sleeping during the daytime--and even that was inconsistent due to Finn's energy shifts.

I was still determined to make things work. My mom was increasingly stressed out about not being able to use the bathroom at night without risking Finn getting out and disturbing Rory. I suggested moving Finn to my room, but seeing that Rory is used to sleeping there, we didn't know if it would disturb his routine too much or make him feel even more pushed out of his territory. Finn had become more and more territorial, targeting Rory whenever Rory was in certain places that he also liked (even though Rory was more than willing to share). I spoke to my vet and to a behaviorist, and they both suggested it was likely a mixture of single kitten syndrome (as an adult) and the late neuter. He had a ton of testosterone still in his system, and even though he seemed to want to be friendly, he couldn't help but feel threatened by my big lump of an older cat.

I started noticing changes in Rory. He moved around the perimeters of the rooms. He became very agitated when Finn would come near him. He looked over his shoulder constantly. His body felt stiff and rigid even in rest. He started having softer poops that sometimes didn't make it completely into the box. He had a herpes flare up. He was obviously stressed out. When I would move Finn into another room, however, he would cry and chirp and paw at the doors and that also seemed to stress Rory out. If I spent time with Finn in the room alone, Rory would cry from the other side--and that would get Finn worked up.

Still. I tried calming supplements. I tried playing with Finn in a separate room before letting him out to see if he could burn energy better without Rory in his general area. I asked for advice on the internet and got a lot of "have you heard of Jackson Galaxy" which was not at all helpful. I don't think the issue had anything to do with lack of familiarity between Rory and Finn; I think Finn was just so overstimulated by the presence of Rory in his space that he couldn't get over it. His eyes would dilate and he would just want to pounce and play, which would have been fine had he not always taken it way too far. Rory had no safe space anymore and Finn never backed down when asked.

There was a terrible incident the other day where they had been wrestling, and it seemed good--nice, quiet, and Rory's body language wasn't tense, so I let it go. But, like always, Finn started getting rougher, and the intensity escalated. Rory cried out and tried to get away, but Finn kept him held down. I tried to intervene at this point, which usually worked, but this time it didn't. Rory tried to free himself and this seemed to fire Finn up more, and in his excitement he nearly gouged Rory's eye. I was able to physically intervene right before it happened so he only got his brow, but Rory cried out and Finn just kept going, chirping happily, and I realized then that he had no idea at all what any of Rory's sounds meant--the cries, the hisses, the growls, anything. At that moment, Rory was just a kicker toy and he was innocently playing.

I spoke to the shelter after that. I told them, look, his energy level is way too high for my other cat, and he is constantly both over and understimulated; at times his body is just vibrating with energy that no amount of playing can cut out. I had an appointment set up with my vet to talk about potential medication, but it wasn't for another two weeks, and after this incident, I didn't know if we had that much time.

I had to look at my entire situation. If it had just been me and the cats, it may have been able to work, as I could have found more ways of blocking off Finn's access to the rest of the apartment without causing duress to my mom. If Finn hadn't just been neutered, it may have been able to work, as that territorial edge may have been lessened. If I had a house rather than an apartment, it may have been able to work, as I could have created a catio and given Finn (or Rory!) safe time outside to unwind--and I could have changed out the doors to add a microchip cat door for Rory to give him a place he could escape to. If I hadn't been still deep in the pits of grief over losing Lou, it may have been able to work, as I would have had more emotional reserves for the process. If I didn't have a two cat limit at my apartment, it may have been able to work, as I could have brought in a third cat for Finn to play with. If, if, if...

But as it was, it wasn't working. Rory was miserable. Finn was too. He was frustrated that he couldn't ever feel satiated with play. He hated being separated. As much as he unintentionally (I believe) bullied Rory, he also liked him a lot too. He wanted to be friends but didn't know how, and while Rory tried to tell him, he was not assertive enough to break the barrier. When I had first introduced Rory to Lou, Rory pushed Lou's boundaries... for a few days. Lou was able to clearly communicate what was and was not acceptable, and Rory was able to understand it, and they got along swimmingly. I tried to let this process happen here, but despite Rory's attempts to set boundaries, Finn just did not understand.

We brought him back to the rescue yesterday. I offered to foster him until they found a home, but they didn't want to risk it.

I was heartbroken. I loved this little guy and wanted him to be our newest family member. I felt--feel--like a failure. But I also know he needed a very different environment than I could offer. Not in terms of resources--he loved the cat trees and all my plush blankets and all the toys--but in terms of company. He probably would do great in a home with much younger cats who could match his energy and help him burn it off, or as a single cat who could, without the stimulus of other cats around him, actually settle down after play. Despite the fact that Rory is the least threatening cat ever, he still was too worked up about him being around to fully relax, and that's no fair to him. Perhaps in a month or two when his hormones bottomed out it would have been different, but I couldn't risk him accidentally hurting Rory or Rory accidentally hurting him in self-defense.

I keep wondering if he feels betrayed or abandoned. He was such a sweet cat when Rory wasn't involved. I really did love him so much and even now wish I could go back and get him... except that Rory is so much happier now. He is back to purring and rolling on his back and asking for cuddles, and he is walking through the center of the room instead of the sides. I hadn't realized how terrified he really had been--and how brave he had been trying to be--until seeing him now. I got out his favorite toy to play with him and he kept looking over his shoulder, and even walked over to check my room and my moms' room before coming back to engage.

It just sucks. Thankfully, the rescue is positive he will find a home within a day or two; he is an adorable ginger boy with big orange eyes. He will wrap his arms around potential adopters' necks and rub his face against theirs. I miss that. But someone else will love it and take him home and make him so happy. I'm so sure of it.

My question is this: other than a longer introduction (which, again, was my plan, until he suddenly became Tigger and leapt over the six-foot gate and could no longer be contained), what else did I miss? Was this a case of potential hyperthyroidism? Was Finn a cat who actually needed to be a single cat? Was the late neuter maybe a bigger part of the problem than expected? Has anyone else experienced something like this? I don't blame the rescue for having given me the wrong information when I adopted him; he hadn't been there long enough for them to realize that his mellowness was all due to being sick and sore. But I do wish they had gone over the full medical history with me instead of the summary; had I seen he was just neutered I would have passed on him.

I don't know. I'm trying to make sense of this as I never thought I'd be the person to bring a cat back. I just didn't feel it was safe for Rory, and all the ideas I had to try and make it work just weren't doable in my current environment. There is such a terrible stigma about returning cats, but I do want to believe that sometimes it's better to give everyone a shot at a better fit and happier life than to just try and force tolerance. Rory loves cats and would love to have a cat friend who he could hang with without fear. And Finn needs a home where his energy can have a safe outlet, so he can curl up at night with his humans happy and content.

And honestly, in an ideal world, I wouldn't have done any of this, as my Lou would still be here. But we don't get to pick our realities, so I'm doing the best I can. But if anybody can help me make a bit more sense out of this, I'd be so appreciative. Thank you for reading any of this novel.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you- even more sorry for Finn but he sounds like a truly wonderful cat and I really hope his next stop is his last and forever home

Try to go easy on yourself and from what I'm getting from the whole scenario is that there was alot of tension in the atmosphere with your Mom being there- and I don't mean that in a bad way,it's just an entirely different ballgame when you are having to worry about what's best for your Mom,what's best for Rory & what's best for Fjnn with much of the situation pretty much out of your control----

Dear new friend- do we really want to say " shoulda,coulda,woulda"? Would that make any difference ? The timing was awful for you,the living arrangements not ideal and it didn't work out- you did the right thing accepting the fact that perhaps the task at had was too hard to handle for all parties concerned....

I'm certainly not going to say anything about what "could have transpired..... it was not meant to be in my mind

Enjoy Rory,take time to grieve the loss of your sweet Lou and get used to living with Mom .... alot of adjustments going on-God Bless you & your family

And WELCOME to TCS- can we see some photos of Rory?

 

[ArtNJ]

Yeah, definitely dont beat yourself up over it. Maybe it would have worked in 3-6 months, but that much stress wouldn't have been best for anyone, human or cat.

If/when your ready to try again, an older cat with a recent history of accepting a new cat might be the best shot. No matter what a shelter says, can't trust that a young cat is going to be a good match with your chill dude.

 

[lissalouie]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you- even more sorry for Finn but he sounds like a truly wonderful cat and I really hope his next stop is his last and forever home

Try to go easy on yourself and from what I'm getting from the whole scenario is that there was alot of tension in the atmosphere with your Mom being there- and I don't mean that in a bad way,it's just an entirely different ballgame when you are having to worry about what's best for your Mom,what's best for Rory & what's best for Fjnn with much of the situation pretty much out of your control----

Dear new friend- do we really want to say " shoulda,coulda,woulda"? Would that make any difference ? The timing was awful for you,the living arrangements not ideal and it didn't work out- you did the right thing accepting the fact that perhaps the task at had was too hard to handle for all parties concerned....

I'm certainly not going to say anything about what "could have transpired..... it was not meant to be in my mind

Enjoy Rory,take time to grieve the loss of your sweet Lou and get used to living with Mom .... alot of adjustments going on-God Bless you & your family

And WELCOME to TCS- can we see some photos of Rory?

Thank you so much. I know you're right. I suppose I am frustrated because I hate that so many factors were out of my control, despite the fact that I'm experienced with cats and normally could make some kind of magic happen. The tension in the home wasn't good for any of us, especially the cats, and I tried so hard to be as calm as possible to try and counteract it all, but it's very hard when you have a disabled mother needing her room back and also a mountain of grief in your heart. I tried. I really did.

Finn will almost certainly find a home within a few days at the very most. He is a gorgeous cat--small and orange with big golden eyes--and incredibly affectionate from the get-go. He even tried to cuddle with my vet. I felt awful leaving him there because he looked at me and gave me the saddest, most confused meow, but both Lou and Rory were cats who had been shuffled between lots of homes before landing with me and they both settled in perfectly well. So I know he'll be okay. If I'd tried to spare him this discomfort by keeping him here longer, it would have ended up in a worse situation for everyone.

I've attached a few pictures here! Rory is a cute fluffy tuxedo boy. There is also one pic of him and Lou earlier this year, mid-play. Thank you so much for your kindness!

 

[lissalouie]

Yeah, definitely beat yourself up over it. Maybe it would have worked in 3-6 months, but that much stress wouldn't have been best for anyone, human or cat.

If/when your ready to try again, an older cat with a recent history of accepting a new cat might be the best shot. No matter what a shelter says, can't trust that a young cat is going to be a good match with your chill dude.

Thank you so much. (I assume you mean 'don't beat yourself up'--although if you meant 'beat yourself up,' don't worry, I've got that covered! ) I agree with you. I do think I could have possibly made it work with enough time, but at what cost? I also don't believe, except in circumstances where the new cat will be unable to find a new home or will be euthanized if returned, that it's better to aim for 'strained coexistence' over 'everyone is in their happiest situation'. Finn is the kind of cat who will be adopted within days (they actually told me they think he'll probably be gone by the end of the day today) and hence it makes sense, as much as it hurts.

I totally agree. I actually wanted to meet their older cats, but the ones they had at the location I went to were all single-cat-only cats. Rory really loved Lou's grandpa-like energy, and while I don't plan on going much older than Rory for the sake of both cats, I don't think he necessarily needs a new cat to be younger than him. I'm taking time off to work on rebuilding his confidence and helping him regain his ownership over the home, but hopefully next year we can try again. Even though Finn made him crazy, he still cried a lot less knowing he was in the apartment.

 

[Kwik]

Thank you so much. I know you're right. I suppose I am frustrated because I hate that so many factors were out of my control, despite the fact that I'm experienced with cats and normally could make some kind of magic happen. The tension in the home wasn't good for any of us, especially the cats, and I tried so hard to be as calm as possible to try and counteract it all, but it's very hard when you have a disabled mother needing her room back and also a mountain of grief in your heart. I tried. I really did.

Finn will almost certainly find a home within a few days at the very most. He is a gorgeous cat--small and orange with big golden eyes--and incredibly affectionate from the get-go. He even tried to cuddle with my vet. I felt awful leaving him there because he looked at me and gave me the saddest, most confused meow, but both Lou and Rory were cats who had been shuffled between lots of homes before landing with me and they both settled in perfectly well. So I know he'll be okay. If I'd tried to spare him this discomfort by keeping him here longer, it would have ended up in a worse situation for everyone.

I've attached a few pictures here! Rory is a cute fluffy tuxedo boy. There is also one pic of him and Lou earlier this year, mid-play. Thank you so much for your kindness!

Beautiful boy and Lou was very handsome ,( RIP sweet Lou)

I am all too familiar with loss of a Beloved pet- there's no words for the heartache...

Please be kind to yourself,Finn will be fine,he does not sound like a cat thst will not bounce back up the moment he's in his new home

Your Mom really needs ALL of you to be there for her.....Enjoy this wonderful time of year together and clear your mind,let your heart heal..... You'll be in my prayers

 

[ArtNJ]

Sorry about the typo lol. Good game plan!

 

[Kwik]

Sorry about the typo lol. Good game plan!

I got a kick out of it- figured you must be on a " stupid" phone- lol

 

[lissalouie]

I got a kick out of it- figured you must be on a " stupid" phone- lol

Ha! I was like definitely beat myself up--don't mind if I do!

It's honestly heartbreaking. I feel deep down that if the circumstances were different, Finn could have become my best friend. He was a lot of what I personally would look for in a solo cat. But Rory is my baby and I adore him so much and he has to be my top priority. He has been SO happy this morning, being able to do his lazy routines without being disturbed, and that makes the ache in my heart worth it. (He is currently on his favorite heat pad, watching some 10-hour video of squirrels on his personal TV, haha.)

 

[Alldara]

I totally agree. I actually wanted to meet their older cats, but the ones they had at the location I went to were all single-cat-only cats. Rory really loved Lou's grandpa-like energy, and while I don't plan on going much older than Rory for the sake of both cats, I don't think he necessarily needs a new cat to be younger than him. I'm taking time off to work on rebuilding his confidence and helping him regain his ownership over the home, but hopefully next year we can try again. Even though Finn made him crazy, he still cried a lot less knowing he was in the apartment.

I'm late to the thread. So sorry it didn't work out but you did your best!

Hopefully in the new year you'll find one more suitable for your home. Is there a rescue that uses foster homes accessible to you for pick up? Then you can really see what's needed and even know the new cat's routine which helps for a better settling in. Plus, they may have a resident cat at one of the foster homes of a similar energy level to Rory.

 

[lissalouie]

I'm late to the thread. So sorry it didn't work out but you did your best!

Hopefully in the new year you'll find one more suitable for your home. Is there a rescue that uses foster homes accessible to you for pick up? Then you can really see what's needed and even know the new cat's routine which helps for a better settling in. Plus, they may have a resident cat at one of the foster homes of a similar energy level to Rory.

Thank you for your kindness. I'm feeling awful today as the rescue placed Finn in a store location, thinking that would get him adopted faster, but he's had no interest. At the same time, Rory is in such a good mood and seems to feel so much safer and happier that I can't second-guess myself. I can't even blame myself, as much as I want to; I had asked all the right questions when I went to adopt, and they just didn't have the right information (or the foresight to even tell me they didn't). I've posted on some local forums on other pages to try and get the word out so he can find himself a home. It breaks my heart thinking of him alone and scared in a kennel when he was so happy to romp around my apartment, but something about Rory was just so overstimulating to him that it wasn't a good experience for either cat.

I hope so, but Rory currently seems happy to have all his space back. I wonder if, rather than missing having a companion, he just really missed my old cat Lou. They weren't bonded, but Rory definitely thought they were. I've researched a lot of the rescues in this area and there aren't a lot of foster-based ones, sadly; I also don't drive which makes visiting hard. The other odd thing is that the majority of cats available for adoption where I'm at are very young! I'm glad that means that older cats are in forever homes, but I'm so used to seeing pages and pages of adult/senior cats on PetFinder with a few young ones sprinkled in, not the opposite.

 

[Alldara]

I can't imagine how hard that must be.

That is an interesting position for a place to be in! That is wonderful though.

I get that about cats thinking they are bonded as well. Calcifer certainly thought he and Nobel were. Magnus was Nobel's "baby" though.

I'm glad Rory is feeling better too.

 

[lissalouie]

Hi everyone! Update: I checked the shelter's website at noon today and Finn was still listed as an adoptable pet. I was so brokenhearted. Part of me wanted to try and get him back, even though I knew it would be the wrong choice; Rory has been so much happier and more relaxed since he was returned, and while I miss him desperately, I knew I would be letting everyone down if I did--including Finn. Not that I would have been able to adopt him again, anyway, but you know. I was in the car with my mom, going to a niche little pet supplies store to buy an emergency Yeowww!!! banana for a coworker, and I suddenly said, out loud, please, somebody, adopt Finn today. Don't make him spend the holidays alone.

About an hour ago, I checked the site again and... he's no longer listed! He must have been adopted! I feel such a bittersweet joy. I am so glad he has found a new home, and hopefully one that is better suited than mine. I am experiencing odd grief at the realization that I will never see him again, but I know that's life. I have to treat it like I was an emergency foster, because, in a sense, I was; he was very sick when I adopted him, and I don't know if he would have made a proper recovery if stuck in the shelter. I didn't get to choose who he went home with, but I hope all the information I gave the shelter--and posted on social media, like my current town's unofficial Facebook page--helped find him his forever home.

Let me share some pictures with you all. When people accuse me of giving up too fast, and when my own mind starts to play tricks on me, I look at these pictures and remember how wrong they are. Had I felt there was even a glimmer of hope for he and Rory to get along well enough to both love and enjoy living in my home, I would have never given up on this adorable, sweet little boy. I didn't give up on him, really; I loved him well enough to give him a better chance at finding the right fit. He wasn't happy here, confused as to why my other cat wasn't playing with him, unsure of how to communicate properly, constantly having to be separated, feeling territorially insecure. That's no life for a young kitty when there's a better alternative. Isn't he beautiful? His name at the shelter was Butternut Squash, and perhaps that's his name again--but he'll always be my little Finn.

 

[lissalouie]

Update again -- He hasn't been adopted. They removed his profile from the site to move him to a different location. However, the new location gets a TON more traffic than the old one, and they used updated photos and changed his description to be more accurate. He seems happy in his new pictures. Hopefully he is loving having so many people come visit him every day, and he will find his forever home soon.

 

[price053]

Hi everyone! Update: I checked the shelter's website at noon today and Finn was still listed as an adoptable pet. I was so brokenhearted. Part of me wanted to try and get him back, even though I knew it would be the wrong choice; Rory has been so much happier and more relaxed since he was returned, and while I miss him desperately, I knew I would be letting everyone down if I did--including Finn. Not that I would have been able to adopt him again, anyway, but you know. I was in the car with my mom, going to a niche little pet supplies store to buy an emergency Yeowww!!! banana for a coworker, and I suddenly said, out loud, please, somebody, adopt Finn today. Don't make him spend the holidays alone.

About an hour ago, I checked the site again and... he's no longer listed! He must have been adopted! I feel such a bittersweet joy. I am so glad he has found a new home, and hopefully one that is better suited than mine. I am experiencing odd grief at the realization that I will never see him again, but I know that's life. I have to treat it like I was an emergency foster, because, in a sense, I was; he was very sick when I adopted him, and I don't know if he would have made a proper recovery if stuck in the shelter. I didn't get to choose who he went home with, but I hope all the information I gave the shelter--and posted on social media, like my current town's unofficial Facebook page--helped find him his forever home.

Let me share some pictures with you all. When people accuse me of giving up too fast, and when my own mind starts to play tricks on me, I look at these pictures and remember how wrong they are. Had I felt there was even a glimmer of hope for he and Rory to get along well enough to both love and enjoy living in my home, I would have never given up on this adorable, sweet little boy. I didn't give up on him, really; I loved him well enough to give him a better chance at finding the right fit. He wasn't happy here, confused as to why my other cat wasn't playing with him, unsure of how to communicate properly, constantly having to be separated, feeling territorially insecure. That's no life for a young kitty when there's a better alternative. Isn't he beautiful? His name at the shelter was Butternut Squash, and perhaps that's his name again--but he'll always be my little Finn.

He is amazing I have such a soft spot for Orange tabbies. Most are males too. They are the biggest love bugs. He will get snapped up don't worry Finn is amazing

 

[price053]

He is amazing I have such a soft spot for Orange tabbies. Most are males too. They are the biggest love bugs. He will get snapped up don't worry Finn is amazing

Some times it it takes what seems like forever. Mpo is if you think he could have a better life and he is taken care of then its okay to let go. You had the heart to give him up to give him a better life! Please don't beat yourself up over it okay?

 

[lissalouie]

Hello everyone! Finn was adopted soon after I made my last post. I am thrilled, especially because the rescue demonstrated that they had a much better understanding of who he was and what he needed in a home. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. While it is still very sad that it did not work out for us, he was so sickly when I rescued him and he was so healthy when I brought him back; if nothing else, I feel like I did a good job as a health/socialization foster.

I just wanted to write something here for anyone who stumbles upon this later on when Googling things like "returning cat to shelter" or "might return second cat." There is so much pressure to never return a cat, no matter what, and most of it is well-meaning. But it's not a one-size-fits-all sort of situation and you know your own home best.

I had immense guilt because I genuinely love Finn and wanted so badly to keep him. But he was making my other cat completely miserable. I didn't have a big enough home to keep them separated indefinitely, and I also did not think that would improve either cat's quality of life. I also knew that Finn was young, adorable, sweet, and would be easy to find a more appropriate home for. If he had been an older cat, or a sickly one, or even one that would take longer to adopt out for purely aesthetic reasons, I would have been more stubborn about it. But in this case, it did not make sense to me to make two happy cats frustrated and miserable just because I did not want to return him.

I also had to recognize that a lot of the pushback online is from people whose local rescue culture is vastly different. If I lived in a place with overcrowded shelters that euthanized healthy cats to make room for newcomers, I would have either kept Finn or found him a new home on my own. But the rescue I got Finn from is a no-kill shelter that has a vast network of store partnerships and fosters in cases of overcrowding, so I knew I was not sending him to his doom. Instead, I knew I was giving him a shot at finding a home where he could play as much as he wanted and wouldn't be frustrated with my older cat's inability to reciprocate.

Rory (my resident cat) has been much happier since Finn was brought back. He still pines for companionship--he has fairly severe separation anxiety and an overall lonely disposition--but he seems happy to not have to hide in tiny cubbyholes to avoid being pounced on or deal with a younger cat pushing him out of his favorite spaces. Again, it was just a complete mismatch, and that's okay.

If you are reading this because your second cat is not working out (and if, like me, you will literally explode if one more person tells you to watch a Jackson Galaxy video), it is likely that you also may have gotten poor information from the rescue. Or perhaps you have no information, as the second cat was rescued from outside! In either case, it's not your fault. It's not even the shelter's fault. From my time helping with cat adoptions, I always told my adopters what I observed from my interactions with the cats, but that their actual personality was likely "at least 90 degrees off" from how they acted in a shelter environment. With Finn, it ended up being a 180 degree difference... but there is no way they would have known that. I was able to give them more accurate information that helped him find a better home. You may be able to do the same if it comes down to it.

You also know your own situation best. In my case, I was dealing with intense grief over the loss of my beloved cat Lou... and so was Rory. I also had my disabled mother living with me, which complicated things in terms of introductions. These two things alone added layers of complexity to the process that I had not fully anticipated. I also had a situation where opting for a longer introduction would have been counterproductive, as one of Finn's primary issues was intense territorial insecurity, caused (in part) by his very late neuter. Both he and Rory are cat-friendly and wanted to be friends, but Finn just couldn't help himself from wanting to 'claim' any place Rory had. (Some people will tell you that this is okay and that it's natural for cat hierarchies to be different than we want. I don't disagree completely. However, I could not personally stomach seeing Rory's territory shrink down into the size of a postage stamp just because 'it's nature.' My grief and subsequent protectiveness of Rory complicated this as well. Like I said, as in all things, you know your situation best.)

Adoption regret is a real thing and I am not advocating for everyone to immediately return their cats to the shelter the second it feels uncomfortable. But if you are in a situation where you really tried to work things out and do things right and it's just not working, or there are issues way beyond your personal power to fix, I don't think you should feel guilt or shame for considering it. I am hoping to bring another friend home soon--but this time I know exactly what I'm looking for.

Not every cat is going to be right for every home and that's okay. We all do the best we can with the information that we have at the time. If I'd had a different living situation--a bigger home without a two-cat limit--I could have possibly made things work. But that's not my reality and it's okay. Finn is going to make his new family so immeasurably happy, and what could be better than that?

 

[price053]

Hello everyone! Finn was adopted soon after I made my last post. I am thrilled, especially because the rescue demonstrated that they had a much better understanding of who he was and what he needed in a home. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. While it is still very sad that it did not work out for us, he was so sickly when I rescued him and he was so healthy when I brought him back; if nothing else, I feel like I did a good job as a health/socialization foster.

I just wanted to write something here for anyone who stumbles upon this later on when Googling things like "returning cat to shelter" or "might return second cat." There is so much pressure to never return a cat, no matter what, and most of it is well-meaning. But it's not a one-size-fits-all sort of situation and you know your own home best.

I had immense guilt because I genuinely love Finn and wanted so badly to keep him. But he was making my other cat completely miserable. I didn't have a big enough home to keep them separated indefinitely, and I also did not think that would improve either cat's quality of life. I also knew that Finn was young, adorable, sweet, and would be easy to find a more appropriate home for. If he had been an older cat, or a sickly one, or even one that would take longer to adopt out for purely aesthetic reasons, I would have been more stubborn about it. But in this case, it did not make sense to me to make two happy cats frustrated and miserable just because I did not want to return him.

I also had to recognize that a lot of the pushback online is from people whose local rescue culture is vastly different. If I lived in a place with overcrowded shelters that euthanized healthy cats to make room for newcomers, I would have either kept Finn or found him a new home on my own. But the rescue I got Finn from is a no-kill shelter that has a vast network of store partnerships and fosters in cases of overcrowding, so I knew I was not sending him to his doom. Instead, I knew I was giving him a shot at finding a home where he could play as much as he wanted and wouldn't be frustrated with my older cat's inability to reciprocate.

Rory (my resident cat) has been much happier since Finn was brought back. He still pines for companionship--he has fairly severe separation anxiety and an overall lonely disposition--but he seems happy to not have to hide in tiny cubbyholes to avoid being pounced on or deal with a younger cat pushing him out of his favorite spaces. Again, it was just a complete mismatch, and that's okay.

If you are reading this because your second cat is not working out (and if, like me, you will literally explode if one more person tells you to watch a Jackson Galaxy video), it is likely that you also may have gotten poor information from the rescue. Or perhaps you have no information, as the second cat was rescued from outside! In either case, it's not your fault. It's not even the shelter's fault. From my time helping with cat adoptions, I always told my adopters what I observed from my interactions with the cats, but that their actual personality was likely "at least 90 degrees off" from how they acted in a shelter environment. With Finn, it ended up being a 180 degree difference... but there is no way they would have known that. I was able to give them more accurate information that helped him find a better home. You may be able to do the same if it comes down to it.

You also know your own situation best. In my case, I was dealing with intense grief over the loss of my beloved cat Lou... and so was Rory. I also had my disabled mother living with me, which complicated things in terms of introductions. These two things alone added layers of complexity to the process that I had not fully anticipated. I also had a situation where opting for a longer introduction would have been counterproductive, as one of Finn's primary issues was intense territorial insecurity, caused (in part) by his very late neuter. Both he and Rory are cat-friendly and wanted to be friends, but Finn just couldn't help himself from wanting to 'claim' any place Rory had. (Some people will tell you that this is okay and that it's natural for cat hierarchies to be different than we want. I don't disagree completely. However, I could not personally stomach seeing Rory's territory shrink down into the size of a postage stamp just because 'it's nature.' My grief and subsequent protectiveness of Rory complicated this as well. Like I said, as in all things, you know your situation best.)

Adoption regret is a real thing and I am not advocating for everyone to immediately return their cats to the shelter the second it feels uncomfortable. But if you are in a situation where you really tried to work things out and do things right and it's just not working, or there are issues way beyond your personal power to fix, I don't think you should feel guilt or shame for considering it. I am hoping to bring another friend home soon--but this time I know exactly what I'm looking for.

Not every cat is going to be right for every home and that's okay. We all do the best we can with the information that we have at the time. If I'd had a different living situation--a bigger home without a two-cat limit--I could have possibly made things work. But that's not my reality and it's okay. Finn is going to make his new family so immeasurably happy, and what could be better than that?

Well said, and you did do the right thing. I knew Finn would be snapped up quickly because the Orange tabbies have that way about them. You did a fantastic job