Catweazle's column

[jiskefet]

Catweazle has a column in our community paper. It started as a joke, I let Catweazle 'write a story' because we had too little copy to fill the paper. But people liked it so much it became a regular feature.

I translated a few of his stories into English.

 

[jiskefet]

This is his introduction column, in the September issue of 2008

Cat's tail
(by our stealthy reporter Catweazle)

Hello dear people, my name is Catweazle, and I am a big ginger and white tom. I live close to a bus stop, which is absolutely fa-bu-lous. Quite often, people are waiting for the bus, and I love to go and say hello, for I am a well-educated and sociable cat. I just give them a head butt and allow them to stroke and cuddle me. If they don't get it at once, I will take their hand in my paws and pull it towards my cheek to show them where to scratch. Most people think this very funny, so I get lots and lots of attention this way.
 

Whenever my own folks take the bus into town, I accomopany them to the stop and wait with them till the bus arrives. The driver once asked me if I wanted to come along, but I declined. I really wouldn't know where to keep my ticket.... And besides, there is so much to see and to do in my own neighbourhood.... I know just about everyone, people, cats, dogs, and I know exactly who will pay me attention and which dogs like to play with me and which ones to avoid. I also know when people are going to the local supermarket, and whenever I see someone with a shopping bag, I will walk along to the edge of my territory. There, I simply wait till another neighbour comes back from the supermarket, and I will walk back with them, till I reach the corner of my own street.

They even know me at the hairdresser's by now, because my favourite waiting spot is right opposite their entrance. I never go in there, though, I don't like the smell, all perfumes and scents, like a bathroom. And they have a dog that doesn't like me much. I just sit outside till I see someone to walk home with, and then I will return to the bus stop or get back on muy favourite fence.

Never a dull moment, really.....

/ message

 

[jiskefet]

Cat's tail - May 2012
by our stealthy reporter Catweazle

I love this neighbourhood in spring. Lots of people are working in their gardens, children playing in the street, and all the neighbourhood cats tend to be outside most of the time. Including this entire black and white tom, I'm sorry to say. He has sprayed against our front door several times over the past month or so, and against the cat flap, too. The entire house stinks of his wee, and so do we. For whenever we go through the cat flap, the scent rubs off on our fur. Terribly humiliating, it feels like he has been weeing on us.
Though I must admit I feel sorry for him. He looks unkempt, his fur is dull and patchy and he doesn't look very happy, either. I really don't understand why his humans don't take him to the vet, he is just a slave to his hormones, he only wants to fight and chase females. But nearly all the females around here have been neutered, and if not, they are being kept indoors and closely guarded, so he can't really score. In fact, he is having a lousy life, he is just being chased away everywhere he goes. Not just by the other cats, but also by the humans, who hate him for spraying everywhere.

I get the impression the humans' hormones are also playing up, this time of year. Nearly every day, I see people running by, and they are even using the outdoor fitness facility in Tosca's park again. Though as far as I am concerned, they could do with some more training.
I still exercise ever so often, myself. A tree moment, my humans call it. I will sprint up to a tree and go up like a shot. But I have just discovered that the council put up another training facility in the park. An agility course. According to my humans it was put up for dogs.…. I tested it, myself, and it is dead easy, you don't need to be agile at all. Even the oldest, most rheumatic cat can do it backwards. It doesn't appeal to me at all... but then, I am not a dog, am I?

There is some sort of table, too, which I didn't see any use for. But apparently, a dog is supposed to stand on it for his human to brush his coat. I must say I do not agree with the spot they chose for this facility, it is right next to my favourite climbing tree and blocks my run-to for a proper tree moment. Moreover, it is next to the only stretch of low, dense, prickly undergrowth in the entire park. Alle the tufts of hair blown away by the wind will be caught in the branches. It is right next to the seniors apartments, too, which are inhabited by a lot of senior cats as well as senior citizens. These cats use the undergrowth to hide from the dogs running free in the park, and now they have chosen this exact spot to train and groom the dogs. I expect some serious cat-and-dog rodeo scenes in the near future...
Although………
I went to check it out several times, so far, and I haven't seen a single dog use the training course as yet.

 

[jiskefet]

Cat's Tail - July 2012

by our stealthy reporter Catweazle

I have a huge litter tray at the moment, although I must say I don't like it one iota. This sandy feline paradise used to be our community centre, you see... They tore it down, destroyed it, literally leveled it with the ground. I did go and have a look while they were demolishing it, but it just makes one feel utterly sad. I am not kidding, I'm devastated. It used to be such a happy place, we had our community party there each year, the chidren's DIY village, the line dance classes, the children's Bollywood dance group, the billiards club, the darts club, the rehearsals of the Turkish band, the community dinner table, the meetings of the youth welfare organisation, the community paper and the community committee..... I'd pop in quite often and I knew most people there.
As long as the building was still standing, there was still a chance the closure would be temporal. But now, all our hopes have been shattered, in the most literal sense of the word. There is nothing left but this big, empty sand pit. By using it as a litter tray, I am trying to make a statement.
The loss of the community centre and the trees that have been felled along the main road has another great disadvantage. Whenever the wind comes from the wrong direction, we hear a terrible squeeking or whistling sound from the nearby factory. It is enough to drive you mental. I don't even know if it is really louder than before, or that we used to be protected from it by the trees and the building, but it hurts my sensitive feline ears something terrible. Even the humans in the neighbourhood are complaining, now. It is especially bad at night, when all is quiet. My female slave has even taken to sleeping with ear plugs in her ears....... Hhhhmmmm, I just might have to nick them off her and put them in my own ears when I want to take a nap.
But there are some nice things happening, too. Early in June, the entire neighbourhood was being decked in orange flags and garlands. It looks like these humans are trying to outdo each other in decorating their houses and gardens, just like they do around Christmas. Last Christmas, the activity committee of the retirement home organized a walk through the neighbourhood, where people could see and judge the decorations. The winning house was awarded a prize. Maybe they should do something similar at the next European or Wold championships.
It was a real shame it was all so shortlived, this time, I really like the festive mood when the poeple are supporting the national soccer team. I love participating in this 'orange craze', even though I wear my orange coat all year round.

 

[jcat]

Very interesting - Catweazle must have a lot of regular readers!

 

[jiskefet]

He sure does.

When we walk around the neighbourhood with our cats, he is greeted - by name - more often than we are.

Total strangers will say 'hello Catweazle' and stroke or scratch him....

He is very popular with the children, too.

 

[jiskefet]

Cat's tail - September 2012

by our stealthy reporter Catweazle

dear people, what a weird summer this has been. One moment it was raining cats and dogs (though I still don't understand why it is called that, I never saw any cat or dog raining down), and the next moment it would be really hot. At times, it would suddenly be 10° warmer or colder than the day before. We, cats, have it easy, we simply choose a warm and cosy chair in the living room or a shaded spot under a tree, according to the weather, but these humans often didn't know how to dress. At the bus stop, I would see them freezing in a shirt one day, and sweating in a coat the next.
Last month, we had a great party. My feral friend Tosca, who lives in the park, celebrated her 8th birthday, which is a very respectable age for a feral cat. My meowmy and I went to visit her, and she received a birthday present, too: we had name plates fitted at the entrances of her park, reading: Tosca the Wild Park, and her picture. She felt deeply honoured.

Personally, I no longer go to the park all that often. When we go for a walk with our slaves, some of the cats that come along will not cross the road by themselves, and we don't want to teach them dangerous habits, so we will stay within the safe area of the small streets. And I am getting a bit too old to keep a eye on these boisterous youngsters.
But on September 1st, I just had to go and inspect. The humans had built a huge party tent in the park, right behind the senior citizens' houses. Because the community centre has been demolished, they needed an alternative place to hold the annual community party. Fortunately, it was a warm, sunny day, and everyone had a great time. There were all sorts of games for the children, and dance and martial art demonstrations for the adults. But as far as I am concerned it was a lousy party. WHERE has the barbecue gone? They had a number of big heated tubs of Indonesian food instead. Plenty of meat, I'll grant you that, but all of it spicey and salted. Just give me a bit of naturally cooked meat from the grill any time.
There was nothing for me to eat, there, so I dropped in on Tosca. She wasn't happy at all. Too much noise and too many children in her back yard. It really isn't her cup of tea..... far too crowded. She doesn't like strange people, anyway. But she had gracefully granted them permission, as she realized the people needed a place to hold their party, now that the community centre is gone.

Anyway, talking about the community centre......
The council still hasn't done anything about the grounds. They promised to turn it into a communal park, but as far as I can see that's just a load of empty words, it is still just a big mess. The weeds are growing two cats high by now.
 

 

[aeevr]

Awesome! Is Catweazle up on American politics?

 

[jiskefet]

Not really, he isn't interested in politics at all, unless it has to do with his own neighbourhood or the legal position of cats.....

But he is very good at lobbying for neighbourhood interests.