~3 months with new cat, I think she doesn't like males?

[oddlawngnome]

Just under 3 months I picked up a year old rescue named Belle, when her caretaker from the foster home dropped her off her first words were "Wow, this is wonderful. I wouldn't be surprised if she's hopping in bed with you within a week." However for some reason, she just doesn't get along with me. I figured she was just shy, she eats drinks and uses the litterbox just fine so I just let her do her thing and figured she'd come out to say hi at some point without pushing her. I've done my best to narrate what I do when I'm home so she gets used to my voice, and I figured I was making slow but steady progress. She'll sometimes come out when it gets dark and sit on the floor, but if I get up she darts back into the closet. She seems happiest when I'm not around or asleep. I put out wet food for her at night, if I leave the room and close the door for as little as 30 seconds she'll come out to eat but zip back to her hiding spot if I open the door again. If I'm asleep or in bed, it usually takes 5-10 minutes and I'll hear her hop down, she'll poke her head around the corner of my laundry basket to check if I'm paying attention, if not then she crosses the room and eats. Again, I just assumed this was because she was nervous after her previous owner. Two weeks ago I had a friend over who wanted to meet Belle, so I figured why not. My friend approached her in all the ways I've been told not to, she moved some of the hanging clothes in the closet out of the way (lots of noise and a drastic change to her normal environment) then leaned down to pet her. To my amazement, I heard meowing coming from the closet! Not only was Belle not running away, but she seemed to be enjoying it! So later that night I went to try, as usual when I interact with her I spoke to her for a few minutes while in her line of sight and crouched down to her level before reaching out my hand. She didn't move, so I started petting her back. She hissed once, then just kind of sat there for a minute or so before deciding she'd had enough and she moved away, at which point I figured that was enough of a breakthrough and left her alone for the rest of the night. Did the same the next day, she hissed again but let me pet her for a little longer and I even rubbed under her chin! I was so excited that she was finally coming around. Then the next day she hissed and kind of scrunched up, I stopped and just held my hand out but she hissed again and batted my hand, I figure she was just like "ok woah, no interaction to lots of interaction" so left her for a few days. I tried again, she got even more defensive and scratched me hard enough to draw blood. I went back to just talking to her for a while, then a friend came to visit last night (new person) and Belle let her pet her face and even leaned into it! I also tried with my roommate (male) who didn't touch her but was able to get close without her hissing. I tried again today, she hissed and stood up then hissed again and backed away. I'm thinking she definitely doesn't like men, but seems to especially dislike me...

Most people I've talked to suggest finding someone she's comfortable with, having them scoop her up out of her spot in the closet, then seeing if she'll be more calm around me while being held by a female. The friend who she seemed to enjoy being pet by is saying I should just try to out-stubborn her and keep talking to her then putting my hand near her regardless of if she hisses or not.

This is getting really distressing for me, I understood taking on a rescue wouldn't be as much of a walk in the park as her caretaker was saying but I was hoping to have at least some sort of consistent positive interaction with her by now. The fact that she's by default more comfortable with complete strangers is also pretty tough as well... plus this is the only housecat I have ever not gotten along with. I even have a friend who has a cat that was actively abused by a man within the last year and the three times I've been over he's all chirps and headbutts when I'm around.

 

[handsome kitty]

Do you know anything about her previous owners?  She may have been mistreated by a male.

 

[oddlawngnome]

All she told me was that her previous owner was male and abandoned her because he was told he couldn't keep her. She was living out on the streets for a month or two, I don't know if she was physically abused or not.

 

[oddlawngnome]

Update: the first friend who she meowed at stopped by and grabbed her out of her hiding spot. Belle meowed and wriggled a bit but no hissing or scratching, she spent a minute stroking her then I went over. She kept meowing (not yowling, more like mewing) but I'm also pretty sure I felt her purring. She licked my finger once, which is by far the closest she's come to showing any kind of non-aggressive interest in me. As of right now I've closed the closet temporarily, put some food out, and I am sitting on my bed on the far side of the room and I think I'll just leave her be for the rest of the night.

 

[recomper]

Was she friendly with you when you met her at the foster home?

Was there other cats to choose from?

 

[oddlawngnome]

She reacted the same to me as she did to everyone else there, just kind of sat in her bed and didn't move much. I heard her story and figured she was just being quiet because it was an adoption event at a pet store, so I figured she was just stressed. Her caretaker seemed to think that we'd be bonding in about a week or so.

There were about 15 other cats at the event, for some reason I was drawn to the quietest of the bunch.

 

[recomper]

Are u going to stick with her?

 

[oddlawngnome]

Honestly at a few points I've questioned if she'd be happier just having a female owner, since she seems to instantly get along with them. But given that she seems to be responding to being around me with a female present, I think I'll just try to out-stubborn her.

 

[manemelissa]

My cat's named Belle too!

I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. I seem to have the opposite problem with my Belle, who loves all of us who live in the house and becomes a scared/don't touch me cat when people come to visit. I feel like that is easier to manage than what you have going on.

It does sound like she has a problem with males maybe... And now that you've become aware of her sensitivity, your feelings about it are probably playing into her fear.

My only suggestions are offer her treats that she loves every day from your hand so that she associates you with good stuff, and if you haven't already (and can afford it, because they can be expensive!), buy some cat furniture for her to climb high and hide in. She seems to want a safe place (like the closet) and giving her a more appropriate one may help her feel more secure. Does she have toys? Playing with her with some cat toys may help her come out of her shell around you too.

I really hope that she comes around and starts to see you as her friend instead of a stranger. <3

 

[oddlawngnome]

I've tried that. The only time she eats treats is if I'm not there, I just tried reaching towards her holding a treat and as soon as my hand came closer than normal she started hissing. Then she batted at me, her ears flattened down and to the sides (they usually stay up unless she's mid-hiss) and she slowly backed away while staring at me. She'll only eat treats if I leave them out, she plays with toys but only if I'm asleep or not there. I literally cannot get any response from this cat when I'm on my own that doesn't involve hissing clawing and running away. I try to approach her at the same kinds of time each day, usually when I do something to make me happy so she'll pick up that I'm in a good mood. I'm trying my best not to get upset (never angry, usually just sad) when she responds negatively, but after nearly three months of her alternately hating me and being terrified of me for reasons I can't help nor understand it's getting more and more draining.

 

[mtgal]

Well, this may sound a bit counter-intuitive, but my advice is to ignore her. Feed her on the regular schedule, make sure her litter box is clean and that she has a soft place to rest. Otherwise, ignore her. Don't attempt to pet her unless she approaches you. Don't sit and watch her or approach tentatively. Instead, be relaxed and calm around her, but just allow her space. For some reason (and it could be anything) she associates you with anxiety. Of-course, by now you are anxious and, according to what you wrote, sad. I certainly can't blame you, this has to be enormously frustrating. But, based solely on my experience, I think you may have approached this cat all wrong. Please don't be offended, I'm not blaming you -- I've done the same thing, which is how I learned. When you give an anxious animal attention you are sending a message that can confuse and further frighten that animal. If you want, you might try just sitting in the same room, reading a book or watching TV or anything tat will occupy your attention away from the cat. If you don't pay attention to her, she may slowly feel you don't represent a threat. Often cats like this need their space and to choose when to approach rather than having attention foisted on them. 

One other thing that I haven't seen mentioned, but suspect others may have thought the same thing: male and female energy are different. But this doesn't mean an animal won't be happy with either energy. But if this cat had a bad experience with a male, she may associate your energy as similar to the male who upset her. Because it is impossible to know details of her past, by relaxing your energy and redirecting it away from her, she will learn to read our energy as independent from the other male. I hope this makes sense and I hope it works for you. 

 

[catlover73]

I had a female cat I took in that someone ditched in the back of a friend's pick-up truck.  My friend almost got kicked out of his apartment for taking her in temporarily. When I went to go adopt her from him she was terrified and would not come out from behind the couch or let me near her.  I gave my friend and his room mate some money and asked them if they would mind going out to eat for a little while.  I had a carrier with me and a can of wet food.  I  put the carrier down on the floor and put the open can of food in it.  I then sat on the couch and watched tv for a while until the hungry cat got into the carrier and I was able to close the door.

When I got the cat home she ran right for my room mates laundry pile and spent about a week hiding in it.  We left food and water in that room for her.  We even put a litter box in there for her.  She would only eat small amounts of food when we were not home.   Once I was able to get a good look at her I got her to a vet quickly because she was limping and had an obvious infection in one of her legs.  She was so small I thought she was a young kitten.

The vet put her on medicine for the infection and when  I mentioned that I was having a hard time getting her to eat the vet went and got some meat flavored baby food and put a small amount on a spoon.  She loved it.  I had a relationship with this vet since I had other cats.  The vet asked me where I got this cat because it was obvious she had been abused before I got her. Someone had been kicking her and she had broken bones that had healed wrong and that was why she was limping.

This cat would only let females near her for a few months.  She was terrified of men. We had a male room mate at the time but he knew to give Baby T her space because of her background.  Once we got her to eat consistently and stop hiding all of the time we started involving our male room mate in the process.  He was very patient with her and it took a few weeks but she did eventually eat off the spoon from him with us in the room.  She also stopped running away from him every time he walked through the apartment.  Next we stayed outside the kitchen and had him feed her from the spoon by himself.  That took a few weeks to happen.  Once that happened things clicked and she stopped being scared of him.  Because of her history we always told any male friends we had over not to approach her and to let her come to them if she wanted to,.

Years later my hubby moved in with me.  I am not sure why but she was scared of him.  He is a cat person so he did not force her to be with him.  He would just sit in the living room on the couch and talk to her or watch tv. In a few weeks they were buddies.  Baby T became very bonded to my husband and would sleep on his pillows all the time.  He was eventually even allowed to pick her up and  carry her.  She never let anyone else including me pick her up like that.

Jackson Galaxy has a great website full of tips.  I hate to say it but perhaps your cat was abused by a male before you got her.  You can work through this but it is going to take a lot of time and patience,

The reason I posted this long story is to show you that there is hope that your kitty will get past whatever is driving this behavior.  

 

[jennaniccole]

I had a similar problem with a rescue liking everyone but me who came to my house (I think because she associated me with the other cat who she didn't like) but since she's come around! I spent a lot of time giving her wet food, which is her favorite thing, and sitting and talking with her while she ate, then petting her once she got okay with me just talking to her. The wet food, or other treats, help because they help the cat associate you with good things. It took about 3 months for her to stop biting me and another before she'd sit on my lap willingly, but she's made a lot of progress now.

 

[oddlawngnome]

For the first month and a half I pretty much just ignored her, I'd put out food/change her water/clean her litterbox every day and just let her do her thing. Up until a month she was showing progress, I gradually started noticing little bits of litter and cat hair on the floor and I could hear her eat after I'd gone to bed. Then about three weeks into things she started coming out when it got dark, she got within like 4 feet of me but if I looked at her she bolted back to the closet. After that it just kind of stagnated, she wouldn't come any closer. Then I tried things like sitting on the floor when it started getting dark, putting out food then sitting on the floor, I even tried sleeping on the floor once. I asked some friends for advice and they all unanimously agreed that it was a bad idea to ignore her, as there's no point to her getting used to me as a piece of furniture. So for the last two weeks I've been approaching her while she's been sitting in her hideyspot in the closet, she let me pet her once (she hissed, but relaxed after) and I even got to scratch under her chin one night. Then she abruptly got sick of it and scratched me so I spent a few days just keeping my distance but staying in her line of sight and talking. Ever since then she's just been hissing nonstop... why on earth would she have been fine with it when she WASN'T expecting it? I made sure to approach her in a spot where she wasn't cornered, because after a while she'd just get up and walk away. 

 

[recomper]

Just get a different a cat. I know that seems cruel. But you and the cat aren't happy with each other. And there are countless cats out there that needs a home too.

 

[oddlawngnome]

I hate to throw in the towel, but the lady who was looking after her is coming to pick her up sometime in the next week or so. Fortunately, she knows of someone who has two kittens that are just waiting to be spayed so they can be put up for adoption. They're a brother and sister pair, so my plan is that I can get one and my roommate gets the other! Apparently they're very playful.