Just Need Some Help To Get Through This...

Hello to you all kind souls,

We had to put to sleep our baby boy two days ago, he was 4,5 years old and he was FeLV positive. We took him from the shelter during the long working trip to another continent. He was a 1 month old kitten. By the time we went there there were like 20 kittens and I’ve choosen the weakest and the smallest one of all. From the beginning he had some diarrhea problems, but we managed to fix it quickly and he was growing normally making us the happiest cat owners on this planet. Until one day when he was 1 year old his breathing started to get very heavy and abdominal, it was like there was a liquid in his lungs. I took him to the vet and the first thing they did was a FeLV/FIV test which showed him to be positive to FeLV. I was devastated. After some tests vet told me that apparently it is a lymphoma tumor in his lungs that is caused by the virus and that there is no other chance for him to survive and we need to euthanize him. I decided to leave him there for the night so his liquid can be taken for some test, but in reality I wasn’t ready to let him go and upon coming home I’ve started to search for the information in the internet and tried to find the best Veterinary in the city. Next day I took him to another veterinary but his situation was very severe, he was barely breathing just lying there with opened eyes staring at one point... it was so heartbreaking.. after radiology scans (they showed a huge tumor in his lungs which was squeezing his throat and that is why there was no chance for him to eat anything) and blood tests. Vet told us that we have only one chance here, we can start a chimo and after that take him home and comfort him with love and support. If it won’t help then there is no other chance for him to survive this. But she also said that even if it helps, he is FeLV positive and since it was already exposed he won’t live more than a couple of months. I had no hesitations but to say “yes, we starting the chimo”. They did a shot of medication, gave me some chimo in pills and we went hope. His state was so bad at the time so I thought that he just won’t make it until home... but he did. I put towel on the floor and then put him on the towel and just spend the whole night by his side making sure that he is still breathing... and in the morning he actually stood on his weak legs and went to the toilet. I was in shock. I was feeding him and giving him water with a syringe during the following week and he was getting better every day. After the second chimo cycle he was completely fine, his lungs were clear, blood tests were super good for his condition but we were still giving him chimo every 3 weeks during 9 months. When it was over we moved to home country and went to the best vet that I could find, she was dealing with FeLV positive cats. She was shocked that he survived with this lymphoma situation and sad that no matter what just live your best and enjoy every moment. That is what we did. After the treatment his personality completely changed! He was always by our side, all the time, he became the most sociable kid ever! It’s like this situation opened his heart fully to us, he trusted us with his life... With the chimo we won 3 more happy years with him by our side.

Few months ago my life was a mess. I’m this kind of person who keeps everything inside and when smth is wrong I just need some time alone and everything gets better. Probably this is when it all have started but he had seen me being depressed and apparently didn’t want to stress me even more with his health. Everything in his behavior seemed to be fine at the time. But one day I woke up and he was sleeping by my side as usually, I took it for granted and started to do my usual routine things when after a couple of hours I’ve noticed that he was still in the room and haven’t even eaten of drunk. I went to check him out and I’ve noticed him breathing fast and being weak overall. So weak that he couldn’t stand at all. I took him to the hospital at the same moment and they did some test and a blood work and his hematocrit was only 5, which is critical. He was suffering from severe anemia and I didn’t notice that until the very end... I will never forgive myself for that, will never forgive. Somehow we people forget about what is really important because of some problems that in reality don’t even matter at all... I was told by the vet that it is a crusual condition because of his FeLV virus and his bone marrow just doesn’t work any more. I took him home that night just because I needed second opinion and I gave myself some time to try to find any possible way to make him better because once it worked for us. Next day I took him to another hospital and they told me the same thing. But still, I just couldn’t let him go, because I knew he is a fighter... and I’ve decided to try a blood transfusion and some medication in case the bone marrow is not off completely. They did the transfusion and his hematocrit increased and was 12 (which is still severe). I took him home and he was eating and drinking a bit and was with us all the time. But he got worse the next day...for just one day hematocrit fell back to 5 and that was it, we had to say goodbye... and so far it’s the hardest thing I’ve been through so far in my life... I will never forgive myself for being weak and depressed and not noticing my baby being sick apparently for a long time... he was supporting me all this time and tried to cheer me up even thow he was so sick...

I’m crying all the time, just can’t stop, I close my eyes and I see him... sometimes it gets better for couple of minutes, but it just for some time, after that a wave of grief covers me and I feel I just can’t take it any more.

Health of the ones you love is the most important thing in this life, don’t ever let anything else put you down, everything else is just doesn’t matter.

It makes me burst in tears also because I know how many FeLV/FIV positive cats are there in the shelters, how many of them are dying without knowing the true love and care... I understand people who don’t want to adopt these cats, it is so so so so hard to love them and then let them go so quickly.. but they also deserve to be loved, to feel home and comfort...

I’m trying to put myself together and may be adopt another FeLV kid in honor of my Best Friend who passed away. Will I suffer the same when again this moment comes? Yes I will... but something tells me it is a right thing to do...

Condolences on your sad loss. You were blessed with nothing less than MIRACLES because there were so many times that it was impossible that your sweet boy pulled through. When you decide to get another kitty, that will be a huge blessing for that little one and a precious tribute to the kitty who has returned to the ancestors.

I wish I could give you a hug. You did nothing wrong, your guilt and bad feelings is your grief messing with your mind, and it will. You gave this baby a wonderful, safe, loving home and did everything humanly possible for him until it was time to say goodbye. He does not suffer anymore and knows how much you loved him. Cats are great at hiding their symptoms, it is their way, so please don't be so hard on yourself for feeling like you didn't notice soon enough. Be gentle with yourself and when the time is right, you will open your heart and home to another sweet kitty. I'm sending peace and comfort your way, i'm so sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts.

You gained another three wonderful years with that precious little boy, in itself a testament to your devotion and care. You cannot hold guilt for something in which you had no intent, and from your tribute all you held was love and the wellbeing for that sweet little one. He knows that. All he ever wanted was to be loved and cared for, and you filled every wish he had. He would never want to see you so sad, not when he loved you so much. Cats are masters at hiding illness from everyone. You cannot change a million years of evolution. You cannot stop the horrible progression of a fatal disease. There does come a time when living, when the joy in life, turns to existing. When there is no cure it is time to end the suffering, to stop the pain of living with no future except one of endless suffering.
There are so many on this site that say they wish they only knew that something was wrong, that it was too late when they did. You are not alone in your grief.
You have an incredibly big heart, a God given gift, to want to take on this kind of pain with another. But you realize that to die alone and unloved is a unacceptable end to a life filled with pain and suffering. That to open your heart and offer love and comfort is one of the greatest gifts one could ever give, you will be blessed for that.
Distract yourself from your grief. Do not dwell on your little boy's end, but concentrate on what he brought to your life. To have never met him at all would have saved you much pain, but the reward of what he brought to you is so much greater.
Do not let yourself go over all those should haves, could haves. they change nothing and bring nothing but pain and heartache. Remember that "death cannot take that which never dies', and you know your love for him, because it is spiritual, is eternal. He is a part of your very soul and will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. So let his love live through you,let it bloom in the sunshine of more love. Love that can be added to his own, each one unique and a treasure. Not hidden in a cold, grieving heart. He loves you and only wants the best in your future. Just as you would want for him if you were the first to go, embrace life once more and face the future with hope and joy. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and we must live what is given to us to the fullest.
My heart goes out to you. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. we can't stop the pain of loss, but we can be there for you and make it more bearable by sharing it and understanding your grief. Take care of yourself...... RIP dear boy. You will never be forgotten, you will forever be held in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again. Goodnight, sleep tight, sweet angel!

Rest you gentle, Sweet Boy, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Your willingness and determination to adopt another FeLV cat reminds me of words said by a very, very wise man, Kalhil Gibran. He said,

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

And it is true. We must be willing to accept the sorrow of loss to gain the joy of having, no matter how brief the time.

My heart with yours, and my thanks that your great, loving spirit gave this furchild a life far past what anyone could expect, and one filled with love and caring, always.

You went above and beyond by helping him and taking him to the vets and treating him, there is nothing anyone else could have done more than you did so know that in your heart that you CARED and helped him out so many times and ways! He was your little friend and it just hurts so so bad right now and it will, but with time you will feel better and realize that you did above and beyond and he is fine now, just fine, and you will see him again one day and it will be wonderful and he will say "thank you for what you did for me on Earth".

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless you....

Your baby couldn't have had a more loving, caring compassionate companion than you.

Cry, mourn, rest, get better...and love another needing kitty.

I'm glad your kitty knew such love during the time that he had. What was his name?

RIP, little one.

It is devastatingly painful losing a beloved pet. I am really so sorry for your loss.

You gave him the best life possible, the happiest years of his life. I am sure he is smiling down on you from heaven, with all the love and gratitude he has for you.

Be strong. Hang in there. Find comfort with the thought that he is free from any physical pain he had endured. Find comfort to the thought that you and him shared the best memories ever.

Thank you for all your support and kind words. It’s hard to find any support from people around in real life because they never really can understand how it can hurt. But this forum is another story because most of the people know this pain and can relate. Thank you again and again, it helped me realize that no one who’ve been through severe illness of the beloved pets was ever sure that it is the right thing to do and that he did all he could do. There is always this thing “what if, could I” and I’m not the only one like that. I am in grief still, but it doesn’t hurt so much with guilt any more.

Thank you,
Thank you,
Thank you!

We are here for you!!

I am so sorry for your loss. I absolutely understand what you are going through, and not being able to forgive yourself because I'm going through the same thing with my Swanie. I failed him so bad and I'll never forgive myself for it. I can be okay one minute, and covered in tears the next. I wish I had some advice, but I guess just take it one day at a time. Adopting another FeLV kitty is a very brave and loving thing to do. Perhaps your baby will guide you to the right one when the time is right.