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- Nov 20, 2011
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Morning friends
some thoughts today .... day 2 of life without mia....
I was with Mia until her very last breath doing and saying all the things I usually did, which took awhile, she has a strong heart, just not a great throat (hence, no food, water or breathing.... life cannot exist). But even after she passed, I nuzzled her face one last time, and told her, mommy loves you.. just like I did everyday, especially when leaving home for work, errands, etc.
Yesterday was tough, my first time walking into my house, with out Mia, broke me down into pieces... I was a mess... like panic attack, hard to breath, balling crying. But I just talked to her and started to calm. And I had to go back out, and I dreaded coming home.... but as irony (or Mia) would have it... my lock jammed.... has never happened in the 2 1/2 years I have had this place..... literally my key was stuck not to move left or right... I had to go in through a window... which took away from the routine of walking in the door and being greeted by mia..... I don't know what it was last night.
I also dreamed of her last night, some while she was throwing up, and some while she was just hanging.. I don't know what means either. But until last night I have never dreamed of her. The odd thing is I am single gal and have lived on my own for..... well mia's entire life. I got her as a companion. And she was, through jobs, boyfriends, family drama life drama, whatever, she was here, always waiting for me to love her and distract my focus from sadness or stress to her. Its a gift I didn't fully realize until now. Now I am really alone... I come home to an empty house.... no mia... no companion.... no one to banter back and forth with, no one to distract this pain in my heart, because its for her. I have never ever felt alone in my place.... ever.... mia was always here to hang with, talk to, lay around with, love on.... so up until 2 days I never knew what alone really felt like. Its sad...... thank goodness everyone on this site will understand this, because most people don't they think it was just a pet.... Mia was never just a pet to me... she was my baby... and I could do say or whatever to her or with her and her love was unconditional and never faltered. obviously I am still very sad, and struggling. waking up to another day with Mia is hard, sad, and lonely. I expect to see her beautiful face at the bathroom door, or waiting for me in the kitchen, or all snuggled on the perch... but no Mia.
My life is forever altered. I miss Mia so darn much.... I get so sad being home ALONE...... I would give another to nuzzle her face just one more time. I hope she still feels my never wavering love and knows I did what was right for her at that time, and not what I wanted to. I wish she was around for another 13 years and lived to an old age.....but that hasn't been an option since her cancer diagnosis and I knew it..... I really did try to prepare my self as best I could knowing that they time was approaching because she was having some foam throwing up episodes here and there.... but that last one with her choking and going to hide..... I knew at that moment this was the time... she was suffering and struggling and I vowed to never let her go through any of that.
I still second guess myself for the call.... I am hoping that will fade in time as my heart heals from the pain mia not being here has left. I know there is no right time, and we just try to do what it right, when we think its right for them. My brain knows this, just not my heart. my heart misses her too much, and wishes I could have even another minutes with her. hopefully someday those 2 parts will be in sync.
Until than, thank you all for the support and encouragement.
rest in peace my little mia..... mommy loves you.....
some thoughts today .... day 2 of life without mia....
I was with Mia until her very last breath doing and saying all the things I usually did, which took awhile, she has a strong heart, just not a great throat (hence, no food, water or breathing.... life cannot exist). But even after she passed, I nuzzled her face one last time, and told her, mommy loves you.. just like I did everyday, especially when leaving home for work, errands, etc.
Yesterday was tough, my first time walking into my house, with out Mia, broke me down into pieces... I was a mess... like panic attack, hard to breath, balling crying. But I just talked to her and started to calm. And I had to go back out, and I dreaded coming home.... but as irony (or Mia) would have it... my lock jammed.... has never happened in the 2 1/2 years I have had this place..... literally my key was stuck not to move left or right... I had to go in through a window... which took away from the routine of walking in the door and being greeted by mia..... I don't know what it was last night.
I also dreamed of her last night, some while she was throwing up, and some while she was just hanging.. I don't know what means either. But until last night I have never dreamed of her. The odd thing is I am single gal and have lived on my own for..... well mia's entire life. I got her as a companion. And she was, through jobs, boyfriends, family drama life drama, whatever, she was here, always waiting for me to love her and distract my focus from sadness or stress to her. Its a gift I didn't fully realize until now. Now I am really alone... I come home to an empty house.... no mia... no companion.... no one to banter back and forth with, no one to distract this pain in my heart, because its for her. I have never ever felt alone in my place.... ever.... mia was always here to hang with, talk to, lay around with, love on.... so up until 2 days I never knew what alone really felt like. Its sad...... thank goodness everyone on this site will understand this, because most people don't they think it was just a pet.... Mia was never just a pet to me... she was my baby... and I could do say or whatever to her or with her and her love was unconditional and never faltered. obviously I am still very sad, and struggling. waking up to another day with Mia is hard, sad, and lonely. I expect to see her beautiful face at the bathroom door, or waiting for me in the kitchen, or all snuggled on the perch... but no Mia.
My life is forever altered. I miss Mia so darn much.... I get so sad being home ALONE...... I would give another to nuzzle her face just one more time. I hope she still feels my never wavering love and knows I did what was right for her at that time, and not what I wanted to. I wish she was around for another 13 years and lived to an old age.....but that hasn't been an option since her cancer diagnosis and I knew it..... I really did try to prepare my self as best I could knowing that they time was approaching because she was having some foam throwing up episodes here and there.... but that last one with her choking and going to hide..... I knew at that moment this was the time... she was suffering and struggling and I vowed to never let her go through any of that.
I still second guess myself for the call.... I am hoping that will fade in time as my heart heals from the pain mia not being here has left. I know there is no right time, and we just try to do what it right, when we think its right for them. My brain knows this, just not my heart. my heart misses her too much, and wishes I could have even another minutes with her. hopefully someday those 2 parts will be in sync.
Until than, thank you all for the support and encouragement.
rest in peace my little mia..... mommy loves you.....