Hi everyone. I'm very new here and already amazed by the help and support you guys offer to each other. I hope I can get some advice from you. So my very first interaction with cats began about 7 months ago when we moved to our current house. Back then I found out that 3 cute female kittens around 3 months old were hanging around our backyard with their mother. I started feeding them every once in a while, and after about two weeks the mother cat decided to leave them behind and just disappeared! It took a lot of effort to get them to trust me. At first I had to leave the food in the yard, they would come and eat only if no one was around. then they started getting used to having me around while eating. I prepared a wooden box for them and filled it with bedding and everything and they just loved it. they used to hang out there most of the day and wait for the meal times. But still they wouldn't let me touch them. But as cruel as nature is, they went into heat one after another and the strange behavior began. I decided to spay them (It was my very first time with cats and I didn't know anything about these stuff beforehand) and I even bought baskets and called for an appointment and everything, but my mother suddenly got sick and hospitalized for over 3 weeks. My dad has passed away and my sister is at work until very late so I had to be with my mom. I used to travel between home and hospital 2 to 3 times a day in order to feed them (I could not and still can't leave food outside. Tom cats are really wild in our neighborhood). So I guess you can imagine how they all got pregnant. They would only come for food, and they became super edgy and scared of me. They even got apart from each other and fought all the time. One of them though, my sweet and kind phoebe, was so affectionate towards me. She would hang out in the yard all day, waiting for me to go and pet her. we got pretty close. I so wanted to get her fixed but her belly was so big I was afraid if I take her to the vet they wouldn't spay her and she wouldn't trust me anymore. She had her babies 6 weeks ago, then all of a sudden her sister lily decided to come and have her babies in the same box! and phoebe let her in generously. They would take care of kittens and nurse them together. Some died (or got eaten by Toms I guess) and 2 of them remained. I noticed her going into heat again, but I waited for the kittens to get older. This very wednesday, I finally gathered my courage, put her in the basket and took her to the vet. Man that was one heartbreaking experience. She was SO scared but she got spayed, got all necessary shots, and they said one of her teeth was infected so they pulled it out and prescribed anti-biotics for 5 days. They also said that she has to be in a clean, indoor space. Well as lucky as I am, my mom has been against this whole thing and gave me a REALLY hard time so there was no way I could keep her at my house. They suggested to hospitalize her and I had no other choice. She was so nervous and managed to take off the collar and bandages and refused to eat so they had to give her serum. I visited her yesterday, and just couldn't help crying seeing her all petrified... I stayed with her for about 3 hours, pet her, hug her, kissed her over and over again and gave her recovery food little by little with my own hands (she wouldn't eat from the bowl). She fell asleep with her head on my hand and got a little calmer but every time a doctor walked by she just freaked out. Meanwhile, lily decided to take the kittens somewhere else and I don't know where they are gone. Now my concern is two-fold! Do you think she will ever trust me again after this trauma? I mean the day I bring her back and set her free, is it possible that she walks away and never returns??? and will she go where the kittens are? considering they are moved, will she remember them? Do you have any advice, on how to treat her or how to gain her trust back? I'm totally losing it. She probably thinks I have abandoned her and I don't know what to do! Sorry it got too long and thanks in advance.