When The Moment Has Passed. Why We Grieve So Intensely.

[furrypurry]

Thank you for writing this. I know it was a bit ago, but everyone writing something helped me understand my feelings on this. Mine happened ten years ago and it is still affecting me.

Short story, my cat went missing while I was in college. I came home on my birthday to find out he had been gone for two weeks and no one told me or had really looked for him. He was declawed, been to the vet only once to get neutered. He was around 7 years old. We didn't know how to take care of a cat back then. I know now. I realize now. I wish I had this community back then. I wish I wish I wish. It was traumatic for me and still is. Right now is the anniversary for it. I almost broke down at work Sunday because of it. That has never happened before.

I cried for two hours after I found out and didn't know what to do....so I did nothing. I didn't know where to look or what to do because my family had thrown out everything of his. So I left and never came home for 8 years except for holidays. I didn't hurt those years...now I do. I'll be turning 30 in 6 days, but I cry as though it happened yesterday. He deserved so much better and I regret not being there to save him again. I should have been there or called home more or something. I should have looked even if I hadn't found him at least I would have tried! But I didn't think he could have survived after two weeks, now I know he could have. My only home is that someone found him and was kind enough to take care of him or that pity was given him and he was killed quickly too.

I have my good times and bad times. I wish I remembered more and took more photos of him. It was the first real time of losing someone really important in my life. He was such a good boy.

Thank you again for putting your thoughts into words so I could think through mine.

I also wanted to write something to head back to this post too...

 

[furrypurry]

Kya, Your post really hit home with me. Before I was married and still living with my parents, I had a beautiful Siamese cat that my boyfriend bought. Back in those days (1970’s) and being so young, I really didn't know much about taking care of cats. My mother hated having animals in the house, but she allowed this cat to come in, although he was mostly outdoors. He was not bred to be an outdoor cat. I know that now. On top of that, he had not been neutered and got into fights with other cats all the time. At least we did have sense enough to have him vaccinated. I have no idea why the vets didn’t talk to us about neutering. I was working at my first “real job” after high school and used to come home for lunch every day. That sweet cat would ALWAYS be waiting for me on the back porch steps. All he wanted was to sit in my lap and gaze up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. To make a long story short, I got married and moved about 100 miles away to live in an apartment. I had the warped notion that I couldn’t take my cat because he would have been unhappy not being outside. I know now if we had had him neutered he would have been perfectly happy. And probably more content being with me. But at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

He eventually died (had to be euthanized) due to an infection from a cat bite that caused pneumonia. I went home and was told he was missing. I found him underneath some shrubbery on my parents’ property. He had been outside for days and they didn’t know where he was. It was already too late.

That was over 40 years ago and I still cry for him and ask him to forgive my stupidity. I look back and simply cannot believe I truly thought I was doing what was best for him. I have thought so many times about how he must have waited for me on that back porch. Because I was so young and naive I threw that precious love away. I will never make peace with it.

 

[Antonio65]

That was over 40 years ago and I still cry for him and ask him to forgive my stupidity. I look back and simply cannot believe I truly thought I was doing what was best for him. I have thought so many times about how he must have waited for me on that back porch. Because I was so young and naive I threw that precious love away. I will never make peace with it.

I perfectly understand you, the sense of guilt you are carrying is unbearable and no words will ever lift it from you.

I myself did (or did not) things when I was a kid that I deeply regret now, for which things there is no forgiveness and for which things I do hope to burn in hell!

 

[di and bob]

We ALL do things, especially when we were young, that we are ashamed of, that we are guilty of. But nothing is going to change the past, and those we have wronged loved us and so forgive us because of that love. Nothing we did was on purpose, was not with intent. We have suffered for it and it has made us into the person we are today. There is always forgiveness. No matter how horrible, if you are truly sorry and want to be forgiven. Just ask!
Antonio65 and F furrypurry , you are good people now, it has changed you into the loving and compassionate people you are today, so it wasn't all bad. Don't live the beautiful life we have been given in guilt and sorrow, it is short enough as it is. Just go forward now and give back what we can, change wrong into right by walking down the correct road now. You must forgive yourself, before you can receive forgiveness. And I forgive you because I have walked that same road myself, in it's own it is a special hell here on earth, we have suffered already.....

 

[Antonio65]

Antonio65 and F furrypurry , you are good people now, it has changed you into the loving and compassionate people you are today, so it wasn't all bad.

I wish it was that easy, but it isn't...

 

[di and bob]

I know that, when my Chrissy died it was through fault of my own and I will carry that for the rest of my life. But I now strive to bring happiness to other little ones in this world, to bring love and care into the their lives, to help diminish the wrong I have done. It will never take it all away, but it helps. And knowing the person you are Antonio, through this site, I know a caring,loving person with a big heart. You have done so much and mean more than you will ever know to those who need and love you. You have good Karma surrounding you and a good soul. Don't sell yourself short!
PS helping others on this forum is a balm for the hurt. Your words and the caring shining through, does so much more for your soul than you know!

 

[Timmer]

I, too, have regrets over things I did when I was younger concerning animals in my life. A horse I had who trusted me and I sold her to someone who mistreated her. I'll never forgive myself. I was only a teenager at the time. I begged my dad to get her back but the man wouldn't sell her back. I've never really spoken of it. I just hope when I get up to heaven that she's waiting for me and we can ride off together with Timmer in my arms and my other cats, too.

 

[di and bob]

We suffer more in this life then we ever will in the next......

 

[tarasgirl06]

Basically agree, based on the teachings I have learned, with di and bob , and thank you for those thoughts, which hopefully will be of some help to some reading them. We truly create our own hells on this earth, and yes, we do pay the price for falling short. I don't believe it's a direct punishment as such, but rather a consequence of our making mistakes, some of which are very hurtful, it's true. I think we have all done things or failed to do things and regretted the outcome, but I believe INTENTION is weighed heavily and that if our hearts are loving and caring, it is often a matter of ignorance. We can't know what we've never learned. It is wonderful that we now have this amazing fountain of knowledge, the internet! where we can learn so much and apply it. TCS is a fountain of knowledge for all of us who care about and for cats. I am so grateful for it. *And yes, I have many regrets. Some of them haunt me. That is my own personal hell. Life is very complex and the very best intentions sometimes fall short. But we keep on trying.*

 

[Kyashasu]

I miss my boy still and some days are harder than others. But, I have to tell myself that Maggie would forgive me for not looking for him. He wouldn't want me to live a life that wasn't constantly depressing and sad. He'd want me to live and help other cats. I, even after Maggie, didn't know, as short as three years ago. There was another black cat, and another cat that I just didn't know what to do for.

I ask for forgiveness and know Maggie would give it to me because he gave it to me while he was alive. Even my last memory, he still came out when I called him. I remember yelling at him (years before)for peeing somewhere because my dad kept getting mad at me for it. I know now what to do, but didn't then. He still came, he still missed me.

They would forgive and that what makes them so much better than we deserve to have in our lives. I know that if my position was switched with Maggie, he wouldn't want me feeling this way, because if something happened to me, I wouldn't have wanted him to feel sad forever. I would want him to be happy. Same thing applies with my Aria now. I worry, but know I cannot be there all the time. We make our decisions and our past hurts.

F furrypurry Antonio65 Timmer These are just my thoughts in the last couple of weeks. I was a wreck before that. Even affected my performance at work, which nothings has been able to. The only thing I have is my cat now and those thoughts of forgiveness which makes this hell of a life a little easier. Another thing is if Maggie could see me now, he'd be proud of how I treat Aria. I want to live up to that.

I don't know if any of this helps but it helped me and previous things that di and bob and others have said about forgiveness.

Something that I read earlier went something like this: Be the you, you wish you had when you were younger. I wish i had somebody to tell me things about Maggie. TO play with him, to pet him a certain way, to deep clean his litter box, that cats learn by positive reinforcement, how to help him during the summer months since he was a black cat, to not let him outside, to train him....now I tell others as best I can. There are thousands upon thousands of cats out there, I hope I can give a few of them better homes someday when I get one.

I hope all of us can find the forgiveness that we need to keeping living a good life, not a perfect one.

 

[tarasgirl06]

I miss my boy still and some days are harder than others. But, I have to tell myself that Maggie would forgive me for not looking for him. He wouldn't want me to live a life that wasn't constantly depressing and sad. He'd want me to live and help other cats. I, even after Maggie, didn't know, as short as three years ago. There was another black cat, and another cat that I just didn't know what to do for.

I ask for forgiveness and know Maggie would give it to me because he gave it to me while he was alive. Even my last memory, he still came out when I called him. I remember yelling at him (years before)for peeing somewhere because my dad kept getting mad at me for it. I know now what to do, but didn't then. He still came, he still missed me.

They would forgive and that what makes them so much better than we deserve to have in our lives. I know that if my position was switched with Maggie, he wouldn't want me feeling this way, because if something happened to me, I wouldn't have wanted him to feel sad forever. I would want him to be happy. Same thing applies with my Aria now. I worry, but know I cannot be there all the time. We make our decisions and our past hurts.

F furrypurry Antonio65 Timmer These are just my thoughts in the last couple of weeks. I was a wreck before that. Even affected my performance at work, which nothings has been able to. The only thing I have is my cat now and those thoughts of forgiveness which makes this hell of a life a little easier. Another thing is if Maggie could see me now, he'd be proud of how I treat Aria. I want to live up to that.

I don't know if any of this helps but it helped me and previous things that di and bob and others have said about forgiveness.

Something that I read earlier went something like this: Be the you, you wish you had when you were younger. I wish i had somebody to tell me things about Maggie. TO play with him, to pet him a certain way, to deep clean his litter box, that cats learn by positive reinforcement, how to help him during the summer months since he was a black cat, to not let him outside, to train him....now I tell others as best I can. There are thousands upon thousands of cats out there, I hope I can give a few of them better homes someday when I get one.

I hope all of us can find the forgiveness that we need to keeping living a good life, not a perfect one.

That's what growing and Life Lessons are all about. None of us are born knowing much of anything except how to seek out sustenance and safety and comfort. It's up to us as we learn to share with others, and remember not to judge when people are ignorant because not everyone gets a good family or peers to teach them the good life lessons.

 

[furrypurry]

The only thing that keeps me sane looking back is that I truly didn’t know any better.

 

[tarasgirl06]

The only thing that keeps me sane looking back is that I truly didn’t know any better.

I do that a lot, too. A baby kitten I was caring for was murdered by dogs because my then-husband wouldn't let me bring him in. Later, the same thing happened with a young kitten who was one of the "communitycats" we were feeding and had gotten neutered/innoculated. I will never allow this to happen again. I will never let anyone stop me from helping someone whose life is in danger like that. You live and learn. Sometimes at heartbreaking expense.

 

[GhostieCat]

This was a great read and one part particularly touched me. It's the sudden uncontrollable losses that hurt the most. I know it wasn't me who got my 1 year old FIP baby sick... But I made the decision to end her suffering before she lost all quality of life. FIP has a 100% mortality rate. There's no cure. I know that, but the guilt and trauma from ending my baby's life will hang over me probably forever.

 

[candie]

All the time and your furbabies being to you in bed. It's like a routine that happens for years. I am emotionality attached they arrnar just pets or animals they are like a soul you share. It hurts alot since I had to put my Melody down. I am hoping to reunite with all my furbabies.

 

[tnrmakessense]

continued...

Reason 5. We feel a responsibility for them.

Grandma was around before you were born. She knew more about life, love and death than you do. Grandma rocked. She didn’t depend on you. Maybe she did at the end, but hey that’s life. You didn’t go through your entire relationship ensuring their survival. We didn’t have to feed, clean and clothe Grandma. Well, some people do, and ask them how traumatic it is when the person they care for dies. Grandma was largely self sufficient. You don’t worry about Grandma if she’s out at night in the rain. Even in Wales we never used to leave a bowl of food out for a stray Grandma if we were worried she wasn’t getting enough nourishment. We never had to brush grandma. We never had to hand feed her or give her water. Until the end perhaps. My point is that Grandma looked after herself for most of her life.

Now let’s look at your cat. When your cat is hungry you feed it. When he or she needs water you give them water. If they jump in the bath with the baby (Loki I’m talking to you) then you towel them off and cuddle them until they stop looking scared. If they are indoor cats you protect them from getting outside. If they fall ill you feel a terrible cold in your heart and will move heaven and earth to make them well. You feel responsible for them. Eva, my Burmese should not have been on the road. They are an indoor breed. But she was born to roam. I couldn’t stop her, and in the end I gave up trying. And then she died. I’ll go to my grave knowing I could have done a bit more to stop her. I didn’t kill her, but I didn’t do my job properly. I will never fail another cat. Eva’s death haunts me, years later. We feel pain because we feel responsibility. We can feel like we failed, even though in the vast majority of cases we really didn’t. Eva would have got out another way sooner or later, and when I feel her loss that’s what I remind myself.

Reason 6, the real reason. The only reason.

Right then. Why does losing your cat hurt so much. This one will be short. I look at Mia doing something ridiculous and laugh out loud or reach for my camera, in the same way I do if my baby daughter does something funny. When Mia is lying in my arms I feel loved and somehow secure, and really warm knowing that she trusts me. I miss her when she is not around, and when I walk in the door and hear her miaowing and running over the wood floor to greet me I cannot help but smile. When the fireworks go off outside and she climbs under my jumper I know in that moment I would fight dragons to keep her safe. When I think about her ageing and falling ill and eventually passing I immediately move my mind elsewhere because the thought of the loss horrifies me. I worry about her safety, and spend time over her welfare. I take comfort knowing she is healthy, and that my daughter adores her, and vice versa. Watching her with my daughter, both happy as can be, and cuddling together, is simply the most awesome thing I have ever experienced in my life. There’s a word that encapsulates all of this. A word that describes this relationship. It’s love. It’s a love as real as any other. And the tragic end of love is pain. We feel the agony of loss because of the intensity of our relationship.

So, this turned into a bit of a ramble, for which I apologise, but the point is that your pain is all too sharp, and all too visceral, for very valid reasons. It's as likely to be PTSD as not. In the UK this is becoming more and more recognised. It shouldn't be surprising that those who watch their beloved pets die, or see their poo, violated bodies on the road, are traumatised in a very real way.

So be gentle on yourself, allow yourself to grieve, understand that it’s real, and that it will take time to pass.

In the meantime, I’m sorry for your loss. I really, genuinely am. You face this pain largely alone, but we on this board really are here to shoulder a tiny piece for you. We'll never bore of hearing stories of your cat, or looking at pictures. We'll never tire of you asking questions, or asking for help. We'll never belittle your pain. Ever. We've either all been there and understand your grief, or dread with very real horror the day we will face it. I can’t be there to make you a cup of tea and listen to the stories of your unique and wonderful love, but know if I was there I would do it gladly. It's what we British people do, after all.

This post really spoke to me and I appreciate so much your taking the time to write it. I lost a feral kitten I was desperately trying to rescue. The visual image of her body, when I found it, is tearing me apart. Because of what you wrote about your dear Eva, I know you can relate. It's hard enough to lose them, but to have that as the last image of them is excruciating. I will keep your post to re-read when I'm feeling alone with my pain. Because I live alone, that is especially appreciated. All my best wishes to you and your furry family.

 

[nadyacocco]

I let my Timmer go today. I'm sitting here feeling so raw right now.
I have no real human family to speak of. My two cats and in particular, Timothy, was my soulmate and the love of my life. I told him that every day. The thing is this...I had someone to love who loved me back. Now, I have one less in my life to love. As a person, I believe we need to give love and receive love. The older I get the less I trusted people and it made it easier to give all of my love to my cats. I sit here and think "what about the love?" Where does it go now? Who do I love the way I loved him? No one. He can never be replaced.

I do know what the original person who posted means about routine. I had very strict routine with my cats because they don't get along and one lived upstairs and one downstairs so my time was divided and we all got used to it. Now that Timmer is gone, my cat Lupita will have full run of the house again and can live without fear. I'm happy for her. My life the past eight years was filled with making sure each cat got love, attention and took turns sleeping with me. I am relieved there will not be that stress anymore. That's the only thing I can see that is a positive, if i may say so. But, yet, I would give anything to have Timmer back and keep on living the way we had been for eight years. I really honestly expected him to outlive the other cat. We tend to think the older ones die first. Not so.

And now I look around the house knowing he isn't here but his blankets, favorite toys, dishes are all here. Things he loved to sleep on. I will never see my couch again the same, since we spent so many times having coffee, reading naps, on it. My other cat is not a cuddler but he was. He couldn't stand to have me out of his sight. I'm going to have a hard time adjusting to things and him not being here. He was so deeply intertwined in my heart and in my life and soul. My heart is just shattered. Shattered.

I know exactly what you mean, as i am now going through the same pain with my beloved Cocco. My sincere condolences to you, and i hope you'll have the strength to get over this. I am still coping, and it is true that its easier to give all our love to our cats. They are just so special.

 

[Andrepartthree]

Gareth just wanted to say thank you so very, very much for posting this and "when the moment comes" ... they both helped me more than you can possibly know.

 

[MackerelTabbyStripes]

Thank you Gareth and everyone else for your thoughts in these posts.

I tell myself that a lot of the pain I am feeling now comes from the gap between reality and my expectations, but I still can't change my expectations so it stops hurting. The love, the earned bond, the feeling of responsibility, the ever-present routine and the suddenness of the breaking of an important attachment, it all fits. The kitty I'm mourning probably isn't dead yet, just missing. We saw her on our security cameras for eleven days after she got away. I've repeatedly searched neighboring properties. I left open windows and doors when I could at night to try to get her back in the first two weeks. I baited live traps. I tried to talk to her and call her inside. We got agonizingly close a few times, but close isn't good enough. She is a displaced indoor cat without a solid territory near me. She wouldn't stay and hide on our property for whatever reason. We saw local neighborhood cats on our cameras that seemed to have a stronger claim to our space, and maybe pushed her out. I worry now that I don't see her anymore, but I believe she is still alive and simply moved on to a territory that fits her better. I received so many contradictory sightings and pictures that were clearly not her. It is my fault she is out there and there were a few mistakes I made when trying to get her back that if I'd done differently we might have succeeded in recovering her.

I have three cats including my wandering kitty. A 15 year old girl I've had since 2008 and a brother-sister bonded pair about 18 months old who we adopted six months ago. It's this younger cat, Luna, who is out missing. It makes me sad seeing her brother alone, how he plays less overall without another kitten to chase and pounce. How he wants to groom, cuddle, and be groomed by another kitty but my old girl won't let him. I expected that my old cat would be the one I would lose next, and since she's in quite good health, I figured it wouldn't be for years. I loved watching the bond the two kittens had, and I'm so sad to see him alone. And that's all aside from the fact that I worry terribly for Luna. She was the most affectionate, the most insistent, the most wildly intense cat I've known. She would crawl up in my lap while I was working and insist on pets and cuddles. Or she would lounge on her cat tower to the side and stare at me with her beautiful green eyes. If I looked over at her, she would slow blink at me and I would slow blink back.

I love her intensity, but our bond wasn't immediate. I knew her mother had been feral, but I had somehow thought they'd been born indoors. After she went missing, I learned from the people who had trapped, fixed, and fostered her before we adopted her that she and her brother had actually lived their first 4-5 months outside. She'd been the last one caught, at near the end of normally successful kitten socialization. In retrospect explained quite a lot of her more "wild" intense traits. When we first got them and kept them in a secluded room while introducing their new environment and our other cat, they hid firmly under a book case for a couple weeks. I would spend hours going down and petting them, they purred and enjoyed attention as long as they were also firmly secure underneath. The boy came out first and became far more social, but Luna would sneak around carefully. She started to come out occasionally when I fed her and rub my legs, but she spent most of her time under the book case or later under the bed. I would spend hours pressing myself as far as I could under the bed to pet her. Eventually she would wait until I lay down on the floor but wasn't facing the bed, and come over to chew / claw my hair and and back. It was a bit painful, honestly, but I'd seen how she gave affection to her brother and I knew that this is what she was intending -- to return the petting and grooming I'd been giving her. She learned to climb up underneath blankets, and while she was still terrified if we were openly in a room together, if we were underneath a blanket it felt safe enough for her to cuddle, purr, and knead me. It took time for her to learn to moderate the pressure of her claws to human-skin level and not cat-skin level, but I always knew what she intended. After only a couple months she even let me carry her around, purring happily whenever I picked her up because she knew that it would end in something she liked -- either a treat, or affection, or play. She and her brother would make me laugh many times almost every single day. Luna started being my complete shadow, completely intrigued watching the water fall on the glass door during my showers, trying to sneak in and play with the faucets while I brushed my teeth, waking me up by marching up and down the bed rubbing my back, jumping into the fridge whenever I tried to get myself breakfast, staying within 10 feet of me if not touching for the majority of my work days. Every day she was changing a little bit, and our relationship was changing a little bit too. We had a million different nicknames for her and would sing her little silly songs. She was calming down so quickly I started to not think as much about how nervous she still was around unfamiliar people and changes.

I've always lived with cats and I thought I knew them pretty well. But I'd always had strays that asked to come in, or cats that people gave up due to life circumstances changing, never a former feral. I loved her dearly but I didn't know what I was missing in understanding her background and behavior, even though I had some idea she was more wild than I was used to. I'd also only ever had indoor cats and hadn't ever expected to have an outdoor one or read best practices to ensure they have a secure home territory. I have let cats out while supervised on fenced balconies and while wearing leash & collar/harnesses. I taught my 15 year old girl to go out safely with me years ago the first time I had an apartment that opened on the ground floor. Although she could easily pull out of that collar by turning and backing up, we would just go inside whenever she started turning and try again 10 minutes later. She was highly motivated to go out, and this easily succeeded in teaching her the rules within days. When we moved to our first house with a fenced yard last year, she was delighted. She found a couple gaps in the fence and left in curiosity a couple times, but I was watching and could quickly jump the fence myself, get her back, and then patch the fence so she wouldn't repeat it. She bounded around the grass with more energy than I could remember seeing from her. At fourteen! She chased rabbits and butterflies, she dug in my flowerbeds and rolled in dust, and she even caught a mouse once (but let it go I think in surprise). She asks to go out again with me regularly, but I haven't been able to allow it since Luna left.

A big regret with this old kitty is that I was unable to stop my parents from front-paw declawing her as an adult when she first came to me in 2008. I thought I'd succeeded in persuading them, only to hear on the way to class that she was already at the vet under anesthesia. I was frantic, but they wouldn't tell me which vet or stop the procedure. She was a fully grown, heavy adult and her recovery was awful. I remember stroking her while staring into her eyes glassy with pain. I remember watching her come to to the edge of the bed and want down to get to her food, water, or litter and just not want to proceed knowing she would land with pain. I would pick her up and gently lower her down on her back paws first, but I know she still hurt. I tried to get her cozy spots to stay on the floor, but she wouldn't always stay low. This was the only time I've personally seen a cat purring to herself but clearly from pain and not pleasure. I don't know if she still has residual pain, when I first got her she liked to let me handle all her paws, and the kittens also like it, but ever since she lost claws she's not let me touch her front paws. I have been exceptionally careful of her but I also have always felt like I failed her. That I didn't buy her enough scratch posts immediately, and that I didn't insist harder that she was my cat, she wasn't scratching furniture, and the occasional scratch on carpet would be displaced in time with enough posts. My reaction to her being declawed and pointing out her pain was finally persuasive because the next stray my parents was brought in was not declawed and is now aging happily. No cat anyone in my family has adopted since then has been declawed.

I think partly because of the lack of claws, she would always over-groom her front legs when stressed. There was never any blood, just some missing fur, but I still worried about her. As she has lived with me my entire adult life and crossed the country twice, her anxiety in new situations wasn't rare. But when we moved into the new house and she had the fenced yard to play in, she reduced it a lot and her fur was starting to grow back in. Getting the kittens was of course some more stress for her, though they were quite deferential to her most of the time. They obviously wanted to play and sometimes bothered her, but there was never any real problems or attacks. I know they would have all worked it out eventually, but in the meantime I was trying to give her as much attention and space as she could get, and so I was taking her outside with me frequently. The kittens of course noticed this and were intensely interested in how she smelled coming back in. They would pester her, and started begging at the door. So I taught them to let me put on the harness, which did not take long as they also were motivated to go outside and explore. They would purr when they saw me bring it out for them! But they would purr in a million other circumstances too, far less risky ones.

On the afternoon of July 15 I tried to sneak my old kitty out the door for some quality time, but Luna caught me. She has a tiny squeaky meow, sometimes silent but she scrunches her face up hugely while trying. She saw me go out, and sat there making that silent begging meow. I knew I was in a distracted frame of mind and only wanted to read on my phone while supervising my old cat entertaining herself in the yard, but I got Luna in the harness anyway. I even picked her up and brought her off the deck to the patio so I could keep an eye on my older kitty since that's where she was. I started to let my attention wander to my phone, and it took a couple seconds to realize when she started to be frightened by the sound of the neighbor's car returning. She frantically moved as I tried to regain control and got out of her harness. I knew given her small, rounded body shape the harness was a bit loose, but I didn't think much of it. She'd even squirmed while I carried her inside once in odd angles and managed to get out eventually. Again, I didn't think much of it-- I don't think any other cat I've known would have gone from calm to so absolutely desperate so quickly.

She RACED to the sliding door we'd left from, but I'd closed it to keep her brother in. He watched as she slammed on the glass trying to get in, before she zoomed to the front of the house, leaped up to some windows that we sometimes had open to screens. Not that day. Since she couldn't get back into her secure, safe territory she ran out of my yard and across the next few until I lost sight of her. I think if either door or window had the screen instead of glass, she would have tried it long enough for me to come up and shove her through. We'd replace a screen, so what? They rip easily enough that given her desperation she would be inside. I feel horrible I moved her closer to my other cat. She would have been safer on the deck -- I feel like I put myself in a position to pick between my cats, and because of that I lost one of them.

I'm so grateful that we have videos from after that day. Watching her come back semi-regularly between 11pm and 5am, walking cautiously but confidently through the quiet nights lets me know she quickly calmed down from that mad panic dash and started to feel more confident in her wanderings. We watched her as we talked to her one night, flicking the tip of her tail and sitting pretty just listening to us only a few feet from our porch. I rushed things by trying to pour her a bowl of dry food she could hear instead of just talking as long as it took. She was startled by the sudden noise and left. On the last day we saw her, 11 days out, she had just as shiny clean, groomed coat as the day she left, and I couldn't even tell if she'd lost any weight. She ate a snack I set out as an appetizer, and ALMOST went all the way in the live trap I had for her. She would have -- I had the smelly fish bait in the back protected from ants by a double bowl with water moat, but I had some fish pieces and juices placed on the paper trap floor to the back that I thought would help entice her back. Instead it was the opposite. Between the warm evening, ants, and the amount of time from when I baited it at 10 and her coming by at nearly 5AM, those pieces on the paper had spoiled. She sniffed, and left. If I'd just used liquid that had dried, or if I had re-baited several times overnight, I'd have her back right now.

She is clearly skilled outside, and I try to remember how her very favorite toys weren't any of the things I bought her but little maple seed helicopters. I think of how she was delighted to watch lightning bugs out the sliding glass door. How when I went door to door within a few blocks of my house, I found a total of four houses that have fed feral cats, at least 3 who have provided some type of winter shelter. I just have to believe she is still alive. She's lived outside before, and this neighborhood is not a bad place to be a feral cat. I suspect she isn't even very far, but I've had no confirmed sighting of her in over two weeks. It does worry me that the last two supposed sightings were on the very edge of the neighborhood with the last one right outside it and across a large road. I don't really believe that was her, as she would have had to move about a mile along that really busy road and across it, without deciding to go back into the more sheltered, quiet community we live in. I also know how so many sightings were contradictory or came with a photo of a cat that didn't even look much like her. Since she was born within a few miles to a feral family there are also a few legitimate close lookalikes and probably relatives in the area. If she did cross that road it is more likely that she could be already dead, though. There is a lot less cover and fewer resources for cats on that side.

Neither of my other cats have been outside since that day. I watch how much my older kitty asks to go out on the lovely warm days, and I feel like Luna and I were on a collision course. I didn't fully understand the risk even though it was so obvious given her nature and the uncontrolled outdoors. I was used to cats with very different temperaments, and I was going to continue letting my other kitty out while supervised which was going to continue to increase her desire to explore herself. If I'd known more about how to properly introduce an indoor-outdoor cat to a new yard, I would have known as backup to leave that sliding door open in case she startled and sequester her brother somewhere else. I would have been able to predict that she would be territory-driven in those moments of fear and that a harness alone was not a good control device. I would have paid her full attention and only had one cat outside at once. I know it is common to say I just didn't know, but for myself I feel this is not good enough. The information is out there, I know it now, I lived with cats over three decades and I never thought to look it up?

I feel like I am still failing her. The flyers I put out are easily read by the many walkers and bikers, but are probably harder from cars given speed and distance to the posts where I put them. I know a good fraction of the neighborhood is on the very active community facebook, and many are looking. I'm noticing frequent posts about other neighborhood cats in the community facebook group, but none yet are sightings of her. I've gotten many possible "sightings," but many of those were photo-confirmed to not be her. I'm exhausted, but I feel like I can't stop. Bigger flyers? Direct mailings? Stay the course? I don't know.

When I cuddled her in my lap, when we slow-blinked to each other, I would think "I will give you every good thing in this world I have the power to give you, and when it is time for you to leave I will help you do so painlessly and in comfort." And now I cannot fulfill any piece of that promise to her. Cats live moment to moment, which is why I feel that it was my responsibility to make sure she had as many good moments as possible. She's gone from expecting probably 15+ good years with her brother and us, in peace, happiness, warmth, and comfort, to the hard, hungry, probably short life of an acting feral. I try to tell myself it is not a bad neighborhood to be an outdoor cat in, which is very true, but there are still so many dangerous and she has lost a lot of things she loved.

I was hoping to keep her as a care-free kitten her whole life. Spayed, living with a litter mate in complete safety and fully provided for, she would have all the energy free to play and enjoy herself. She's now living the life she expected and learned as a baby, she has to be fully responsible for herself and her fate. We were able to figure out how to relate to each other inside, and she learned not to be scared and to knead more gently because we had plenty of time in a safe and secure environment. We only had 11 days to work out communication and try to get her back inside before whatever happened that pushed her away, and given the many uncontrolled variables it wasn't enough. I wish her well in her new life. Perhaps she will come back when summer ends and things start to cool down. Perhaps she will make some cat friends in a neighborhood colony but remain so nocturnal nobody will know. Maybe she'll end up at a house that feeds or shelters feral cats that I wasn't able to find. Maybe she'll find her way inside some other house someday. Or maybe she will die young in any of the many ways outside cats die young.

I am incredibly grateful for the time she shared her life with me. She taught me a lot of things in such a short time.

 

[tarasgirl06]

Thank you Gareth and everyone else for your thoughts in these posts.

I tell myself that a lot of the pain I am feeling now comes from the gap between reality and my expectations, but I still can't change my expectations so it stops hurting. The love, the earned bond, the feeling of responsibility, the ever-present routine and the suddenness of the breaking of an important attachment, it all fits. The kitty I'm mourning probably isn't dead yet, just missing. We saw her on our security cameras for eleven days after she got away. I've repeatedly searched neighboring properties. I left open windows and doors when I could at night to try to get her back in the first two weeks. I baited live traps. I tried to talk to her and call her inside. We got agonizingly close a few times, but close isn't good enough. She is a displaced indoor cat without a solid territory near me. She wouldn't stay and hide on our property for whatever reason. We saw local neighborhood cats on our cameras that seemed to have a stronger claim to our space, and maybe pushed her out. I worry now that I don't see her anymore, but I believe she is still alive and simply moved on to a territory that fits her better. I received so many contradictory sightings and pictures that were clearly not her. It is my fault she is out there and there were a few mistakes I made when trying to get her back that if I'd done differently we might have succeeded in recovering her.

I have three cats including my wandering kitty. A 15 year old girl I've had since 2008 and a brother-sister bonded pair about 18 months old who we adopted six months ago. It's this younger cat, Luna, who is out missing. It makes me sad seeing her brother alone, how he plays less overall without another kitten to chase and pounce. How he wants to groom, cuddle, and be groomed by another kitty but my old girl won't let him. I expected that my old cat would be the one I would lose next, and since she's in quite good health, I figured it wouldn't be for years. I loved watching the bond the two kittens had, and I'm so sad to see him alone. And that's all aside from the fact that I worry terribly for Luna. She was the most affectionate, the most insistent, the most wildly intense cat I've known. She would crawl up in my lap while I was working and insist on pets and cuddles. Or she would lounge on her cat tower to the side and stare at me with her beautiful green eyes. If I looked over at her, she would slow blink at me and I would slow blink back.

I love her intensity, but our bond wasn't immediate. I knew her mother had been feral, but I had somehow thought they'd been born indoors. After she went missing, I learned from the people who had trapped, fixed, and fostered her before we adopted her that she and her brother had actually lived their first 4-5 months outside. She'd been the last one caught, at near the end of normally successful kitten socialization. In retrospect explained quite a lot of her more "wild" intense traits. When we first got them and kept them in a secluded room while introducing their new environment and our other cat, they hid firmly under a book case for a couple weeks. I would spend hours going down and petting them, they purred and enjoyed attention as long as they were also firmly secure underneath. The boy came out first and became far more social, but Luna would sneak around carefully. She started to come out occasionally when I fed her and rub my legs, but she spent most of her time under the book case or later under the bed. I would spend hours pressing myself as far as I could under the bed to pet her. Eventually she would wait until I lay down on the floor but wasn't facing the bed, and come over to chew / claw my hair and and back. It was a bit painful, honestly, but I'd seen how she gave affection to her brother and I knew that this is what she was intending -- to return the petting and grooming I'd been giving her. She learned to climb up underneath blankets, and while she was still terrified if we were openly in a room together, if we were underneath a blanket it felt safe enough for her to cuddle, purr, and knead me. It took time for her to learn to moderate the pressure of her claws to human-skin level and not cat-skin level, but I always knew what she intended. After only a couple months she even let me carry her around, purring happily whenever I picked her up because she knew that it would end in something she liked -- either a treat, or affection, or play. She and her brother would make me laugh many times almost every single day. Luna started being my complete shadow, completely intrigued watching the water fall on the glass door during my showers, trying to sneak in and play with the faucets while I brushed my teeth, waking me up by marching up and down the bed rubbing my back, jumping into the fridge whenever I tried to get myself breakfast, staying within 10 feet of me if not touching for the majority of my work days. Every day she was changing a little bit, and our relationship was changing a little bit too. We had a million different nicknames for her and would sing her little silly songs. She was calming down so quickly I started to not think as much about how nervous she still was around unfamiliar people and changes.

I've always lived with cats and I thought I knew them pretty well. But I'd always had strays that asked to come in, or cats that people gave up due to life circumstances changing, never a former feral. I loved her dearly but I didn't know what I was missing in understanding her background and behavior, even though I had some idea she was more wild than I was used to. I'd also only ever had indoor cats and hadn't ever expected to have an outdoor one or read best practices to ensure they have a secure home territory. I have let cats out while supervised on fenced balconies and while wearing leash & collar/harnesses. I taught my 15 year old girl to go out safely with me years ago the first time I had an apartment that opened on the ground floor. Although she could easily pull out of that collar by turning and backing up, we would just go inside whenever she started turning and try again 10 minutes later. She was highly motivated to go out, and this easily succeeded in teaching her the rules within days. When we moved to our first house with a fenced yard last year, she was delighted. She found a couple gaps in the fence and left in curiosity a couple times, but I was watching and could quickly jump the fence myself, get her back, and then patch the fence so she wouldn't repeat it. She bounded around the grass with more energy than I could remember seeing from her. At fourteen! She chased rabbits and butterflies, she dug in my flowerbeds and rolled in dust, and she even caught a mouse once (but let it go I think in surprise). She asks to go out again with me regularly, but I haven't been able to allow it since Luna left.

A big regret with this old kitty is that I was unable to stop my parents from front-paw declawing her as an adult when she first came to me in 2008. I thought I'd succeeded in persuading them, only to hear on the way to class that she was already at the vet under anesthesia. I was frantic, but they wouldn't tell me which vet or stop the procedure. She was a fully grown, heavy adult and her recovery was awful. I remember stroking her while staring into her eyes glassy with pain. I remember watching her come to to the edge of the bed and want down to get to her food, water, or litter and just not want to proceed knowing she would land with pain. I would pick her up and gently lower her down on her back paws first, but I know she still hurt. I tried to get her cozy spots to stay on the floor, but she wouldn't always stay low. This was the only time I've personally seen a cat purring to herself but clearly from pain and not pleasure. I don't know if she still has residual pain, when I first got her she liked to let me handle all her paws, and the kittens also like it, but ever since she lost claws she's not let me touch her front paws. I have been exceptionally careful of her but I also have always felt like I failed her. That I didn't buy her enough scratch posts immediately, and that I didn't insist harder that she was my cat, she wasn't scratching furniture, and the occasional scratch on carpet would be displaced in time with enough posts. My reaction to her being declawed and pointing out her pain was finally persuasive because the next stray my parents was brought in was not declawed and is now aging happily. No cat anyone in my family has adopted since then has been declawed.

I think partly because of the lack of claws, she would always over-groom her front legs when stressed. There was never any blood, just some missing fur, but I still worried about her. As she has lived with me my entire adult life and crossed the country twice, her anxiety in new situations wasn't rare. But when we moved into the new house and she had the fenced yard to play in, she reduced it a lot and her fur was starting to grow back in. Getting the kittens was of course some more stress for her, though they were quite deferential to her most of the time. They obviously wanted to play and sometimes bothered her, but there was never any real problems or attacks. I know they would have all worked it out eventually, but in the meantime I was trying to give her as much attention and space as she could get, and so I was taking her outside with me frequently. The kittens of course noticed this and were intensely interested in how she smelled coming back in. They would pester her, and started begging at the door. So I taught them to let me put on the harness, which did not take long as they also were motivated to go outside and explore. They would purr when they saw me bring it out for them! But they would purr in a million other circumstances too, far less risky ones.

On the afternoon of July 15 I tried to sneak my old kitty out the door for some quality time, but Luna caught me. She has a tiny squeaky meow, sometimes silent but she scrunches her face up hugely while trying. She saw me go out, and sat there making that silent begging meow. I knew I was in a distracted frame of mind and only wanted to read on my phone while supervising my old cat entertaining herself in the yard, but I got Luna in the harness anyway. I even picked her up and brought her off the deck to the patio so I could keep an eye on my older kitty since that's where she was. I started to let my attention wander to my phone, and it took a couple seconds to realize when she started to be frightened by the sound of the neighbor's car returning. She frantically moved as I tried to regain control and got out of her harness. I knew given her small, rounded body shape the harness was a bit loose, but I didn't think much of it. She'd even squirmed while I carried her inside once in odd angles and managed to get out eventually. Again, I didn't think much of it-- I don't think any other cat I've known would have gone from calm to so absolutely desperate so quickly.

She RACED to the sliding door we'd left from, but I'd closed it to keep her brother in. He watched as she slammed on the glass trying to get in, before she zoomed to the front of the house, leaped up to some windows that we sometimes had open to screens. Not that day. Since she couldn't get back into her secure, safe territory she ran out of my yard and across the next few until I lost sight of her. I think if either door or window had the screen instead of glass, she would have tried it long enough for me to come up and shove her through. We'd replace a screen, so what? They rip easily enough that given her desperation she would be inside. I feel horrible I moved her closer to my other cat. She would have been safer on the deck -- I feel like I put myself in a position to pick between my cats, and because of that I lost one of them.

I'm so grateful that we have videos from after that day. Watching her come back semi-regularly between 11pm and 5am, walking cautiously but confidently through the quiet nights lets me know she quickly calmed down from that mad panic dash and started to feel more confident in her wanderings. We watched her as we talked to her one night, flicking the tip of her tail and sitting pretty just listening to us only a few feet from our porch. I rushed things by trying to pour her a bowl of dry food she could hear instead of just talking as long as it took. She was startled by the sudden noise and left. On the last day we saw her, 11 days out, she had just as shiny clean, groomed coat as the day she left, and I couldn't even tell if she'd lost any weight. She ate a snack I set out as an appetizer, and ALMOST went all the way in the live trap I had for her. She would have -- I had the smelly fish bait in the back protected from ants by a double bowl with water moat, but I had some fish pieces and juices placed on the paper trap floor to the back that I thought would help entice her back. Instead it was the opposite. Between the warm evening, ants, and the amount of time from when I baited it at 10 and her coming by at nearly 5AM, those pieces on the paper had spoiled. She sniffed, and left. If I'd just used liquid that had dried, or if I had re-baited several times overnight, I'd have her back right now.

She is clearly skilled outside, and I try to remember how her very favorite toys weren't any of the things I bought her but little maple seed helicopters. I think of how she was delighted to watch lightning bugs out the sliding glass door. How when I went door to door within a few blocks of my house, I found a total of four houses that have fed feral cats, at least 3 who have provided some type of winter shelter. I just have to believe she is still alive. She's lived outside before, and this neighborhood is not a bad place to be a feral cat. I suspect she isn't even very far, but I've had no confirmed sighting of her in over two weeks. It does worry me that the last two supposed sightings were on the very edge of the neighborhood with the last one right outside it and across a large road. I don't really believe that was her, as she would have had to move about a mile along that really busy road and across it, without deciding to go back into the more sheltered, quiet community we live in. I also know how so many sightings were contradictory or came with a photo of a cat that didn't even look much like her. Since she was born within a few miles to a feral family there are also a few legitimate close lookalikes and probably relatives in the area. If she did cross that road it is more likely that she could be already dead, though. There is a lot less cover and fewer resources for cats on that side.

Neither of my other cats have been outside since that day. I watch how much my older kitty asks to go out on the lovely warm days, and I feel like Luna and I were on a collision course. I didn't fully understand the risk even though it was so obvious given her nature and the uncontrolled outdoors. I was used to cats with very different temperaments, and I was going to continue letting my other kitty out while supervised which was going to continue to increase her desire to explore herself. If I'd known more about how to properly introduce an indoor-outdoor cat to a new yard, I would have known as backup to leave that sliding door open in case she startled and sequester her brother somewhere else. I would have been able to predict that she would be territory-driven in those moments of fear and that a harness alone was not a good control device. I would have paid her full attention and only had one cat outside at once. I know it is common to say I just didn't know, but for myself I feel this is not good enough. The information is out there, I know it now, I lived with cats over three decades and I never thought to look it up?

I feel like I am still failing her. The flyers I put out are easily read by the many walkers and bikers, but are probably harder from cars given speed and distance to the posts where I put them. I know a good fraction of the neighborhood is on the very active community facebook, and many are looking. I'm noticing frequent posts about other neighborhood cats in the community facebook group, but none yet are sightings of her. I've gotten many possible "sightings," but many of those were photo-confirmed to not be her. I'm exhausted, but I feel like I can't stop. Bigger flyers? Direct mailings? Stay the course? I don't know.

When I cuddled her in my lap, when we slow-blinked to each other, I would think "I will give you every good thing in this world I have the power to give you, and when it is time for you to leave I will help you do so painlessly and in comfort." And now I cannot fulfill any piece of that promise to her. Cats live moment to moment, which is why I feel that it was my responsibility to make sure she had as many good moments as possible. She's gone from expecting probably 15+ good years with her brother and us, in peace, happiness, warmth, and comfort, to the hard, hungry, probably short life of an acting feral. I try to tell myself it is not a bad neighborhood to be an outdoor cat in, which is very true, but there are still so many dangerous and she has lost a lot of things she loved.

I was hoping to keep her as a care-free kitten her whole life. Spayed, living with a litter mate in complete safety and fully provided for, she would have all the energy free to play and enjoy herself. She's now living the life she expected and learned as a baby, she has to be fully responsible for herself and her fate. We were able to figure out how to relate to each other inside, and she learned not to be scared and to knead more gently because we had plenty of time in a safe and secure environment. We only had 11 days to work out communication and try to get her back inside before whatever happened that pushed her away, and given the many uncontrolled variables it wasn't enough. I wish her well in her new life. Perhaps she will come back when summer ends and things start to cool down. Perhaps she will make some cat friends in a neighborhood colony but remain so nocturnal nobody will know. Maybe she'll end up at a house that feeds or shelters feral cats that I wasn't able to find. Maybe she'll find her way inside some other house someday. Or maybe she will die young in any of the many ways outside cats die young.

I am incredibly grateful for the time she shared her life with me. She taught me a lot of things in such a short time.

Yes, the safety rules those of us who keep our cats indoors-only are followed by us because of course, cats are safe outside! until they aren't. And cats don't get lost -- until they do. As for declawing, it is illegal in 41 more enlightened nations and a growing number of communities because a growing number of people now know it is mutilation, often causing lifelong pain and health, emotional and physical problems and often resulting in betrayal and abandonment of the cat when the people who made the decision to declaw face the reality.
I pray that Luna is safe, well, and in a loving indoor-only home. Her life is precious and she definitely deserves nothing less.