When is it time to say goodbye?

Razum'dar

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Hello. I have 2 geriatric kitties and they are both chronically ill. I'm really having a hard time trying to figure out when is the right time to say goodbye? My biggest fear is doing it too soon or too late. Here's what's going on...please bear with me as will be a bit lengthy; my case is unique because they both got sick around the same time and are both going downhill at the same time.

I have a 15 year old DSH orange cat, and he has recently had a dramatic downturn in his health. His vet believes he has a cancer in his eye. We've been treating him for a month and he is going downhill quickly. His eye went in 4 weeks from being brownish looking, to blind in that eye, oozing, weeping, and now his lens is luxated (dislocated). His nose also constantly runs to the point it drips.He's had FHV his whole life but this is bad for him. The veins in his eye and his uvea are very angry and enlarged. He has been on multiple meds and it is getting worse not better. Now he's on palliative care. He's lost 4 oz in 4 weeks, and in spite of doing all I can to help him eat, is only 6lbs. He simply has very little appetite. He is weak, sleeps 20+ hrs/day. I wanted to know if anyone has been down this road before with their elderly cat. What can I expect? How fast do they go downhill? How much time do I have left before I have to put him to sleep? The problem with it being in his eye is that there is a risk of rupture. That terrifies me. He's on pain meds and an eye drop to reduce pressure in his eye, but it's a ticking bomb. I want to keep him as long as I can, but don't want him to suffer or be miserable. When do I euthanize? What am I watching for? Right now he's still eating/drinking just not as much as before. He comes out about once a day for pets for a few minutes. He doesn't meow anymore, he barely purrs anymore. It's heartbreaking. The vet said it's hard to say how long he has left. It could be weeks or months. But I don't want to be selfish and keep him here if he's in agony.

My 2nd cat is a 16 year old Russian Blue mix who has a large tumor on the inside of his mouth. He's been on palliative care for the past 2 months and is on pain medication. We've had to change his dosage from 2 times a day to 3 times a day, from 50mg to 75mg. When he's medicated he seems ok (his underlying condition is unchanged). He will eat soft food and seek out attention from my husband and I a couple times a day. He sleeps 20+ hrs a day. We've decided not to put him through chemo/radiation and just let him be comfortable at home as long as possible. His weight is steady and his appetite is ok. But his pain is getting worse. He is actually needing pain meds at the 5hr mark now, and when it's time he paws at his mouth with both front paws, cries, and actually will gag. It's very sad. So his pain is definitely getting worse. He's in pain every day. He has his good moments and his bad ones. Yes he's *ok* on his pain meds, but I can't just keep upping his pain meds indefiniety. I dont' want his entire existence to be doped up and sleeping. That's being alive but not having quality of life. I know usually you watch for lack of appetite, weight loss, etc..but in his case even if he's eating/drinking etc. but always in constant severe pain, it might be time sooner rather than later.

Going through this with both of them at once is very difficult. I've had them their whole lives. I want to know when it's time to euthanize. But I'm trying to get feedback from someone who has a similar experience so I know when that mark is. I'm so torn. I don't want to rob them of a day of being alive, but don't want them to suffer either. I appreciate any advice or feedback from fellow cat parents who have been through this before. Ty.
 

Furballsmom

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Hello -
I'm so so sorry.

There's a phrase; "A day too soon is far better than a day too late.".

don't want them to suffer either.
What am I watching for?
He comes out about once a day for pets for a few minutes. He doesn't meow anymore, he barely purrs anymore.
This is one thing that is a large indicator that your orange baby's quality of life has deteriorated quite a lot.

35 Signs That Your Cat May Be In Pain – TheCatSite Articles

When Is It Time? – Making The Difficult Decision – TheCatSite Articles
 

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I am so sorry that you're going through this with both your babes at once - my heart just aches for you. I was told when in this position with my dog, that when the bad days outnumber the good days, it's time. When you begin to ask this question, it's almost time. I'm wishing there was a way to send hugs and strength to each other.. I hope you are able to find some insight from others that will help you make your decision. :redheartpump:
 

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Caspers Human

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I've had lots of pets throughout my life, mainly dogs and cats, and there have been several times when we have had to go through this. It's not fun when you have to do it. Most of the time we took the dog to the vet to be euthanized. There was one time when my father and I had to take my dog for that proverbial "walk in the woods." I didn't have to watch but I hear the shot and did get to help bury old, Sam under a bush in the back yard. I cried a lot.

Don't worry. That was more than 45 years ago.

It's hard to know when the time is right, especially when it comes on gradually.

If I was pinned down and have to give a one-sentence answer, it would be, "When your pet isn't your pet anymore."

There will come a time when your dog or cat doesn't come around for pets and snuggles, anymore. Your dog won't play ball anymore or your cat won't chase the feather toy. She won't use the litter box or maybe even messes herself. He's off his food and won't drink. Maybe they'll whine or meow more than usual. Maybe they'll stop being vocal, at all.

Even an old cat will still walk around to patrol its territory at least once in a while. If your cat stops doing that and just lays in the same place all the time, it's a good sign that the time has come.

Sam was a white German Shepherd. He was over twelve years old. He had hip dysplasia and was sick. He hadn't eaten in days. All he did was lay in his doghouse and whine. He had peed himself a couple of times. As sad as I was, I knew in my heart that it was time and there was no way that Sam would have tolerated the long car trip to the vet.

My father got Sam out of his kennel and gave him a pill. It was probably a Valium. I don't know, exactly. I was just a kid.
We took Sam out for a walk in the woods, to a place where we had played, probably a million times. We sat down under a shady tree and Sam laid with us. We gave him his favorite treat in the whole world...a Gaines Burger. Normally, Sam would have been like, "Om! Nom! Nom!" but he only ate about two small bites.

I gave Sam a big hug and told him, "I love you!" Dad told me to "go take a walk." I walked out of sight and, about a minute later, BANG! That was that.

Dad and I carried Sam back home, wrapped him in a burlap sack and dug a hole under the lilac bush in the back yard. I didn't cry very much, only a sniffle or two, until we put Sam into his grave. Then, it was Niagara Falls.

I don't live in that house, anymore, but I have driven by a few times and "Sam's bush" is still there. All those years ago, it was only a few feet in diameter but, now, it is HUGE! It's at least ten or fifteen feet in diameter and, probably, ten feet tall!

I still have the gun, too. It's a Ruger Blackhawk, .357 cal. revolver.
I don't think it's ever been fired since the day Sam went away, 47 years ago.
 

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I am a moderator on a support group for GSD owners whose dogs have degenerative myelopathy, MS in dogs, specifically. There is no cure and unless the dog passes from another condition first, they are guaranteed to die from the DM. We always say something like Caspers Human Caspers Human brings up....if you look at the dog when he is not looking at you, you can determine if he is struggling just to keep himself out of pain or to deal with the changes in his body. You will probably see flat eyes, almost as if he is not looking out at anything. However, If you call to him, he will always try to rouse himself one more time for his owner, which will give a false reassurance that there is still some quality time.

I am so sorry that you are facing this with both of your beloved pets at the same time; that is really more than anyone should have to face. I worry about the eye on the orange boy, despite the vet saying that there may be an undetermined amount of time left. Again, not fair to you that you almost need to be psychic to make sure that the eye does not rupture before you are able to help him to transition.

With the Russian Blue boy, one of my cats years ago had squamous cell carcinoma in her mouth and I do believe that the pain becomes such that they do "ask" for the medication. Personally, I think that he has to remain at least moderately sedated at all times if you are going to try to keep him a little longer.
 

Caspers Human

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If you are asking yourself, “Is it time, yet?” it’s probably time.

I think that it’s okay if you need to give yourself that time to settle your emotions before you make the final call but don’t prolong the agony, both for yourself and for your cat.

I believe that there is no greater dignity than for a beloved pet to pass away in the arms of a beloved family member. When the time comes, give your cat a hug, say goodbye and know that your cat loves you, too.

My father intended to teach me the life lesson that it’s a man’s job to do certain things, no matter how unpleasant the task might be. As they say, “A man’s gotta’ do what a man‘s gotta’ do.”

Sam wouldn’t have been able to make the car trip without a lot of pain and anxiety, not to mention that he probably would have had to suffer the indignity of messing himself in the car. Going for one last walk in the woods was the right thing to do at the time. For most people I think it best to go to the vet.

If you ask the vet, beforehand, they might let you give your cat the injection. They should be able to insert a butterfly cannula that has a little tube attached. If that’s out of the question, you should be allowed to hold your cat while the vet does the deed. Even when we take pets to get routine injections, I always hold them.

I know it’s hard but there is no better way for a cat to pass on than to be with the humans they love.
 
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Razum'dar

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I am so sorry that you are facing this with both of your beloved pets at the same time; that is really more than anyone should have to face. I worry about the eye on the orange boy, despite the vet saying that there may be an undetermined amount of time left. Again, not fair to you that you almost need to be psychic to make sure that the eye does not rupture before you are able to help him to transition.
ty :( It's very hard on me if I'm being honest. I lean on my husband and try to be strong. And yes that's exactly what's stressing me the most about him. I am giving him Timolol to keep pressure down but what if it ruptures in the middle of the night? I don't know how quick the onset of something like that is. If it can go to like it is to ruptured in 8 hrs. But I don't want him to leave too soon. He's always been so attached to me. He's the sweetest boy and loves everyone. I can carry him over my shoulder and he just wraps his paws around my shoulder and presses his neck/head into my neck. He's on pain medication, the pressure meds, eye gel antibiotics, lysine supplements and moisturizing eye drops. He has eaten once today, just nibbles, and been out a couple times. He sat with me for a while then when back to his kitty cube where he spends 90% of his day. He isn't the same cat he was 4 weeks ago. The progression of this is staggering.
 
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Razum'dar

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With the Russian Blue boy, one of my cats years ago had squamous cell carcinoma in her mouth and I do believe that the pain becomes such that they do "ask" for the medication. Personally, I think that he has to remain at least moderately sedated at all times if you are going to try to keep him a little longer.
His pain has been getting worse. Today he wouldn't come out of his cat house until late afternoon. I tried to gently pull him out and he started growling. Then even after getting his dose of meds, was very irritable if I tried to pet him at all. He still eats ok, I give him soft food of course, and his weight is stable right now. He has his moments where he wants attention and some pets, but like the other kitty he sleeps 85-90% of the day. I was reading how cats are masters at disguising their pain. When he's in pain even someone who knew nothing of cats could identify it. It's like a fit. It breaks my heart and I feel like if he has to be sedated and drugged to not be in that kind of pain, is that fair? Am I too late already? If it were me, I wouldn't want to live my entire life high on pain meds or in horrible pain. What do you mean by 'ask'? The little fit he does? May I ask about what happened with your kitty with SCC? At what point did you decide to say goodbye?
 
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Razum'dar

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Caspers Human: (don't know how to tag you, sorry) That's such a sad story. I'm sorry about Sam. I like the idea of the bush being so big and thriving so well. It's like Sam's body became part of the bush and nourished it and gave life to it. That's kinda lovely. I gut'sess I'm just waiting because I want to be sure and have no regrets. And I feel like they still have good parts of their day. Sad..they don't have good or bad days, just good parts of their day. Otherwise pain..or sedation. They sleep so much it feels like I barely have cats anymore. They come out, munch some food, get a drink, hit the litterbox, then maybe say hello. Then back to sleep. I'd say we get about 30 min tops each day of quality time. At night, when we go to sleep, Ash, the gray one, still hops up in bed and meows , then snuggles up and sleeps with us. I feel like he's still in there , like you said, when your pet isn't your pet. BUT he's in so much pain. Unless he's doped up on gabapentin. That's what makes it hard with him , is that it's about his pain, not that he's faded completely yet. The orange one, Scooby, is in pain too, I can't even imagine what his eye feels like..but he is still in there too. Watered down, but there. With him I'm terrified his eye will rupture. Not to mention all that's happening with it must be awful. Our vet is very kind, she's actually volunteered to come to our house when it's time. The timing that this is happening to both at once when I've had them 15 and 16 years is awful. This house will feel so strange and empty without any cats running around. And I will miss them very much.
 
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Razum'dar

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Ty everyone for your replies. It means a lot to me to have some friendly people to talk to who know what I'm going through. This is so much to deal with. Ash got his diagnosis a little over 2 months ago, and Scooby has been ill a month, but just found out about him 3 days ago. What are the chances..
 

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I recently just went through this myself with my 14 year, ALMOST 15 year old dog (actually he was put down 2 days before his birthday so basically he was 15)

He was a beautiful redbone lab mix. I loved that dog. We adopted him after a foster dog gave birth to puppies. They were hurricane Katrina rescues. Jack was such a huge part of our family that the idea of putting him down actually gave me panic attacks. He was so big and had such a huge personality that I couldn't really imagine not seeing him daily. He had been diagnosed with bone cancer back in 2015. We thought we had weeks left with him, but we started to get aggressive with various supplements, including turmeric. It got to the point where he didn't even need pain meds. But as always, you know, that downhill starts eventually and like you, I questioned myself ALL the time. Was I the one holding on? Was he ready to go? When was the right time? Because like you my biggest fear was taking away from him precious time. I was so afraid of putting him down before it was time that I really do fear I might have gone past the 'is it time' line, honestly.

For us, Jack never stopped eating. He LOVED food. But back in Dec-January, I noticed that he was losing weight rapidly. I tried to pass it off in my head as us just feeding him less, because we had been trying to get him to lose weight... so that his back legs wouldn't hurt him. But he was sleeping more. More irritable, snapping, getting grouchy with the cats even when he loved the cats (not Jasper though. Jasper was his 'I must protect you' kitten even if he ONLY knew Jasper for a few weeks!) Then one night he had a seizure. They weren't uncommon, he had them every once in awhile, but I could feel this time was different. He was swaying, he couldn't stand up right. He flopped down. And would you believe... he powered through it? To the point where hours later he was somewhat playing with the other dogs and wiggling around. I thought, okay. Maybe he's fine after all. But then it happened again the next morning. Twice, in such a short time, I just knew. I knew I didn't want it to happen a 3rd time, I knew I didn't want it to happen when we weren't home, I knew I didn't want him to die alone at night while we slept. So we loaded him up in the car, bought him a whole pizza (which by the way, he ate the ENTIRE thing) and drove to the vet where the vet let us hold him while he was put to sleep.

I have no idea where I got the strength to make that call. It kind of felt like an out of body experience happening where my knowledge and need to do what was right for him took over, instead of letting my emotions drive me. I looked right into his eyes and I just swear it felt like he was telling me it was time and I promise you, it was the hardest truth I've ever had to accept. It's NOT easy. It never is.

I wish I could hug you, because I know how hard all of this is and I'm so sorry you're at that point with not one but two beautiful animals. You clearly love them so much, and I'm sure they know you love them.

I hesitate giving advice because I never want to give the wrong advice, but just based off all of what you have written, I'd say if there is pain and a serious decline in quality of life, that it might be time to say goodbye, as hard as it is. Just know that when you make that call, and even now while you are struggling with it, we're all here for you in spirit.
 

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Ty everyone for your replies. It means a lot to me to have some friendly people to talk to who know what I'm going through. This is so much to deal with. Ash got his diagnosis a little over 2 months ago, and Scooby has been ill a month, but just found out about him 3 days ago. What are the chances..
It's the worst when it comes as a double whammy. We had just lost our CiCi when we had to put Jack down about 2 weeks later =( I feel for you, so very much.
 
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Razum'dar

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I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I recently just went through this myself with my 14 year, ALMOST 15 year old dog (actually he was put down 2 days before his birthday so basically he was 15)

He was a beautiful redbone lab mix. I loved that dog. We adopted him after a foster dog gave birth to puppies. They were hurricane Katrina rescues. Jack was such a huge part of our family that the idea of putting him down actually gave me panic attacks. He was so big and had such a huge personality that I couldn't really imagine not seeing him daily. He had been diagnosed with bone cancer back in 2015. We thought we had weeks left with him, but we started to get aggressive with various supplements, including turmeric. It got to the point where he didn't even need pain meds. But as always, you know, that downhill starts eventually and like you, I questioned myself ALL the time. Was I the one holding on? Was he ready to go? When was the right time? Because like you my biggest fear was taking away from him precious time. I was so afraid of putting him down before it was time that I really do fear I might have gone past the 'is it time' line, honestly.

For us, Jack never stopped eating. He LOVED food. But back in Dec-January, I noticed that he was losing weight rapidly. I tried to pass it off in my head as us just feeding him less, because we had been trying to get him to lose weight... so that his back legs wouldn't hurt him. But he was sleeping more. More irritable, snapping, getting grouchy with the cats even when he loved the cats (not Jasper though. Jasper was his 'I must protect you' kitten even if he ONLY knew Jasper for a few weeks!) Then one night he had a seizure. They weren't uncommon, he had them every once in awhile, but I could feel this time was different. He was swaying, he couldn't stand up right. He flopped down. And would you believe... he powered through it? To the point where hours later he was somewhat playing with the other dogs and wiggling around. I thought, okay. Maybe he's fine after all. But then it happened again the next morning. Twice, in such a short time, I just knew. I knew I didn't want it to happen a 3rd time, I knew I didn't want it to happen when we weren't home, I knew I didn't want him to die alone at night while we slept. So we loaded him up in the car, bought him a whole pizza (which by the way, he ate the ENTIRE thing) and drove to the vet where the vet let us hold him while he was put to sleep.

I have no idea where I got the strength to make that call. It kind of felt like an out of body experience happening where my knowledge and need to do what was right for him took over, instead of letting my emotions drive me. I looked right into his eyes and I just swear it felt like he was telling me it was time and I promise you, it was the hardest truth I've ever had to accept. It's NOT easy. It never is.

I wish I could hug you, because I know how hard all of this is and I'm so sorry you're at that point with not one but two beautiful animals. You clearly love them so much, and I'm sure they know you love them.

I hesitate giving advice because I never want to give the wrong advice, but just based off all of what you have written, I'd say if there is pain and a serious decline in quality of life, that it might be time to say goodbye, as hard as it is. Just know that when you make that call, and even now while you are struggling with it, we're all here for you in spirit.
ty so much...funny how much your thought mirror my own right now. my gray cat, ash with the mouth tumor, he's so onery and stubborn, i think he'd live just to spite everyone. he loves my hubby and i but everyone else, no way. when all this started and i took him to the vet he Screamed and it was a horrible ordeal. He was so angry and frightened he defecated on the floor. She gave him a sedative shot and his adrenaline was so high he wouldn't sedate. I was there over 3 hrs. Finally they gassed him and got a diagnosis. He was a cat possessed. I think that's why she agreed to come here when it's time. He even gets crabby with us and he loves us. It's just his way. And probably the advanced disease. I have cried so much lately. I'm taking it a day at a time right now and am hoping with all my heart that I'll know when it's time. I wish the vet would tell me 'in my professional opinion you should do it XX.' but i'm sure she won't. It'll be up to me. I'm the Momma. Sometimes the greatest acts of love are the hardest to do.
 

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ty so much...funny how much your thought mirror my own right now. my gray cat, ash with the mouth tumor, he's so onery and stubborn, i think he'd live just to spite everyone. he loves my hubby and i but everyone else, no way. when all this started and i took him to the vet he Screamed and it was a horrible ordeal. He was so angry and frightened he defecated on the floor. She gave him a sedative shot and his adrenaline was so high he wouldn't sedate. I was there over 3 hrs. Finally they gassed him and got a diagnosis. He was a cat possessed. I think that's why she agreed to come here when it's time. He even gets crabby with us and he loves us. It's just his way. And probably the advanced disease. I have cried so much lately. I'm taking it a day at a time right now and am hoping with all my heart that I'll know when it's time. I wish the vet would tell me 'in my professional opinion you should do it XX.' but i'm sure she won't. It'll be up to me. I'm the Momma. Sometimes the greatest acts of love are the hardest to do.
One of the things I love about my vet is he's so brutally honest with me. I looked him in the eye when we took Jack in because I had to know and asked him: "Is it time?" and he quite frankly said "I think it's past time." Which of course, I felt horrible about but... he was right. I know I waited longer than I should have, but it's SO hard when they bounce back off and on because you end up rationalizing it. I know he wanted to live, he was a stubborn dog. He didn't WANT to go anywhere, but I hope I never make that mistake again. And I hope when it comes time to say goodbye to another animal, that I don't wait past the time. I used to think my worst fear was not enough time but... after Jack, trust me, that really changed my mindset and woke me up.

Your poor Kitty =( Some cats are just not happy at the vets!

When CiCi was alive, we had taken her to the vet back when we lived in Virginia. She was SO wild, the vet came out wearing a leather apron, arm guards and a face cover!!!

Spend time with your furbabies and let them help comfort you. Trust me,it'll comfort them too <3
 

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Ah, Sweetie, my heart is breaking for you. My own girl is getting older, and I'm aware that this decision is in my foreseeable future. God grant me the strength to set my own pain aside and live by the rule, "Better a week too soon than a day too late." And I promise that your babies will bless you for seeing them through the Gate between This Adventure and their Next Great Adventure.
 

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Our vet is very kind, she's actually volunteered to come to our house when it's time.
You’ve got a good plan, then!

There is no better way for your cat to go than to be at home in his own warm bed with his favorite toys and his human by his side, giving him a loving hug before sending him off to the next life.

Go ahead and take some time to get yourself in the right place then do what needs to be done.

You have a luxury to be in control of something that most people don’t. You should take pride in the fact that you were able to give your cat a good life and a dignified death.

Sam was my first dog. My parents had him before I was born. Like many Shepherds, he guarded me, jealously. He was MY dog and I was HIS human. I wasn‘t even ten years old when he died. Sam was twelve. That’s old for a Shepherd and common belief says that twelve years is really old for an all-white one. It was Sam’s time and we all knew it.

Events such as these are what make us what we are. We are better, stronger humans from this kind of experience.

You can look upon this as a gift that shouldn’t be squandered.

Our thoughts and prayers be with you.
 

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hoping with all my heart that I'll know when it's time.
As Krienze Krienze mentioned, you will need to actually ask your vet what she would do if these were her cats, and she will very likely tell you. Even if she doesn't, from what you're describing they are both becoming more and more uncomfortable - to the point of growling to be left alone.

God grant me the strength to set my own pain aside and live by the rule, "Better a week too soon than a day too late."
:redheartpump:
 
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