When Does It Get Better?

[Mylittlepony]

I lost Harry in February. I have read often people saying it's good you were with him/her at the end, but how do you cope when you werent there for them and with that guilt. Harry stayed at the vet the night before and I didnt go to see him because I thought he would be upset that he wasnt coming home with me, he always jumped back into his carrier after the vet visit. I wanted to wait until I could get him and bring him home, but it wasnt to be. His cancer had spread more than expected and he was euthanised during the op. I have such bad days full of guilt that I didnt see him, wasnt there with him and knowing that it will never change now makes it so hard. I just wish I had gone to see him before but I didnt want to distress him, has anyone felt the same and did it fade with time?

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello
You tried so hard to do the best for him at that time, with the information you had available to you.
Harry loved you, you loved him.
Try to avoid having that last chunk of time overshadow all of the wonderful, lovely memories that he left for you.
He wouldn't want you to feel so badly.
RIP Harry, your struggles are over and you are now in a place of sunshine and gentle warmth.

Hopefully this will help a little;

Grieving

 

[Mylittlepony]

Hello
You tried so hard to do the best for him at that time, with the information you had available to you.
Harry loved you, you loved him.
Try to avoid having that last chunk of time overshadow all of the wonderful, lovely memories that he left for you.
He wouldn't want you to feel so badly.
RIP Harry, your struggles are over and you are now in a place of sunshine and gentle warmth.

Hopefully this will help a little;

Grieving

Thank you, for your kind reply and the link.

 

[di and bob]

There truly will be guilt either way......we honestly feel so lost, so shattered that whether you were with them or not still brings guilt, all those should haves, could haves, and deep soul destroying sadness. When you are with them they have the comfort of your presence, your touch. When you are not, they still have that sense of your love, because the bond of love that they carry is not physical, but spiritual, you will always be with them because your souls are bonded and they carry your love in their heart.
How you handled those last hours was out of love and concern for Harry. You didn't want to upset him, or want to get him expecting to go home. Actions taken that were done out of love can't be wrong. In times like those we are confused, our minds are working overtime on a thousand different scenarios, a thousand different courses of action to take. None of them will tell us exactly what is truly needed at the time. It's not until later, after we are alone with our thoughts and have the time to finally process what has happened that we 'see' what we think should have been done. That doesn't mean it is the right way, there is no 'right' in times like these, it's the way we wish things could have been done, the way we would have been more comfortable with at the time.
Don't beat yourself up over things that can never be changed. There is always different actions we wish we would have taken. Not one of us is perfect, not one of us has escaped grief when a loved one dies. No matter what happened at the end, there will ALWAYS be theses doubts and the prayers and wishes it could have been different, easier, never experienced at all. You are not alone...... your precious Harry was unconscious when he passed. His fear, his pain was let go and he slipped into his next journey. One that will always be parallel to your own. Because he took a piece of your heart with him, was comforted and felt your presence because you shared the bond of love. You were there with him through your thoughts and prayers, and he loved you all the more for it. And will never stop loving you because what you shared is eternal.....
My heart cries for your pain, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. May the good Lord bring you both the peace you need, and comfort you in your time of sorrow. Please know we are here for you too, it is good to talk sometimes, to share your burden. Take care.....

 

[Mylittlepony]

Thank you Di and Bob. I know what you say is right and the sadness would be there whatever happened, but it is the guilt which lingers and is hard to bear. I just wish I had known it was so bad, so would have gone to see him, but then I didn't know so didn't want to get him upset when I left without him again, but I feel that because I didnt see him he would have felt deserted by me, all night at the vet. Endless circle, I guess. Thank you so much for your reply, at times I feel as if the cloud is lifting and then other days it's back, full force which is the nature of grieving, I believe.

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[LisaT.]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. RIP Harry. He wasn't alone. God was with him.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Harry, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Darlin, we all feel guilt when a loved one dies. If not for one thing, then another. But I promise you this, Harry knew he was loved, and he returned that love. That is all that matters in this world...Love never dies, you know. It only changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides. Harry has put off that heavy coat of flesh and fur that could no longer support his loving heart and gentle spirit. Now, free of illness and pain, he dances on starlight, joyous, still near you, still loving you, knowing and understanding ALL of your choices, and sorrowing only in your guilt and grief. Someday, in the fulness of time, you, too, will put off your coat of flesh and dance with him again in sweet reunion.

 

[Pook]

We all do what we can for our precious ones. I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes being there and not being there is a bugger.

Prayers for you and your little one.

 

[Leomc123]

When i made the decision to put leo down, i couldnt take him in to do it myself, i had my dad take him in for me. On that day and since that day i feel guilty for sending him off that way and guilty for not being with him. I did all the goodbyes pet him and hugged him and i told him i loved him so much and he would always be in my heart and then i sent him off with my dad to put him down. I was going to go after them so i could be with Leo but i was in such a frantic state i knew it was too late by the time i got there and that he was already gone. My second last cat MC 12 days ago was put down, this time i was with her, it was hard, i said goodbye to her and kissed her on the forehead for the one last time. She meowed once when the vet was holding her paw to inject the needle, and i still hear her gentle meow in my head when i vision that moment . When she was injected, it was so fast it was like 10 seconds and she was gone, lifeless, cold, her eyes from being the beautiful bright golden yellow eyes, to fully black in 10 seconds. I spent a good 30 minutes with her lifeless body, kissing her and patting her and telling her how much i loved her and how sorry i was. And i dont feel guilty for not being there, but i do feel guilty for stopping her heart. When the vet came back in suggesting non- verbally that its time to go, it was so hard to leave her there on the table, to walk away with her just laying there alone lifeless,cold.

I look at photos and videos of both of my cats everyday on my phone and computer and on the wall, when i get stressed out , i flick on the video of them and i calm down for some reason, i still am sad, when i watch them. Every now and then i have flash memories of what they used to do , like how they would sit on the stairs near me, or where they would laydown in the back yard, how they wanted belly rubs , or nudged me to get my attention, where they would sit on my bed etc. I hear their meows. In the mornings i get up from bed and go to make my coffee , but i am just standing there waiting for the water to boil staring , cause i realize there is no cat to make food for, so i open the door in the hope i see them and have this vision that they are there in the dark meowing for food, and not letting me to open the door cause they always used to stand at the door meowing not realizing i need to get out first lol . But every morning now its i open the door and its just darkness, silence and just me and my coffee and my phone with their photos and videos Its depressing, its sad, its lonely. But i keep reminding myself of how sick they were if they would be suffering if they were here with me. Another thing i do is i drive past the vet on the way to work where they were put down and i say a blessing to them, and i say sorry to them.

 

[Antonio65]

I have such bad days full of guilt that I didnt see him, wasnt there with him and knowing that it will never change now makes it so hard. I just wish I had gone to see him before but I didnt want to distress him, has anyone felt the same and did it fade with time?

I have the same guilt for not being with my beloved cat Pallina when she passed away at night.
She was very sick and was under treatment, on the next morning she would have had a blood tranfusion. I went to sleep at midnight, and kissed her goodnight. I woke up an hour later and she was still there, struggling to breath, but still there. I went back to bed and woke up an hour and a half later and she was gone.

I will never forgive myself for selfishly sleeping when she was needing me the most. I will bring that guilt to my grave!
So, in my case, it hasn't faded, it will never do.

I'm sorry for your precious Harry

 

[di and bob]

We all carry guilt for different reasons but all brought on by grief. If a cat lived to be 25 and passed peacefully in their sleep, there would still be guilt for something......Just keep in mind there must be intention to bring harm to hold guilt for something, otherwise it is not intentional or otherwise just plain not knowing at that particular time. I think most of it is just plain regret. Regret for things not being different then we imagined, for things we left undone or just didn't do or do right. But regret is something we can learn from to use in the future. To bring good out of the bad. I know for me, it has forced me to look at my own eventual death.Have I enjoyed my life, am I doing things now I will be proud of? Have I learned from my past mistakes, or am I doomed to repeat them? That is when I really studied cats to see if I was projecting human qualities on them that shouldn'e be there and found I was. They don't hold most in themselves that we humans do. They don't have regret, or revenge, or beat themselves up over past mistakes. They are stronger than that. They live for the moment, in the moment. They have a almost childlike wonder in living in their world, they love every second they are alive. They find joy in their world around them. they are strong when they need to be, and don't want to show weakness. But they are also capable of love, and once they give their heart to someone it is forever. They see every aspect of life as something to be enjoyed, savored, and lived to the fullest. They find enjoyment and happiness in the simple things, a box, a string, a stream of sunlight. Instead of seeing the world as a sad and joyless place like a lot of us do, we should strive to be just like them, learn from them, and take each day as it really is, a new start, a time to start over. To leave the past where it belongs and just live one day at a time. Those precious babies are a lot smarter then we give them credit for..........

 

[Antonio65]

Have I enjoyed my life, am I doing things now I will be proud of? Have I learned from my past mistakes, or am I doomed to repeat them?

Recently I was at the funeral of a person I used to know, same age as me.
And during the ceremony I thought:
"Should I die now, would I be proud and happy of what I have achieved in my life? Was my life worth living and useful to someone else? "
My answer was "yes".

They don't hold most in themselves that we humans do. They don't have regret, or revenge, or beat themselves up over past mistakes. They are stronger than that. They live for the moment, in the moment. They have a almost childlike wonder in living in their world, they love every second they are alive. They find joy in their world around them. they are strong when they need to be, and don't want to show weakness. But they are also capable of love, and once they give their heart to someone it is forever. They see every aspect of life as something to be enjoyed, savored, and lived to the fullest. They find enjoyment and happiness in the simple things, a box, a string, a stream of sunlight.

What wonderful words you wrote di and bob !

 

[di and bob]

They come straight from the heart. They arose from the ashes that was my grief. The grief who's fires comsumed me. It turned me into a hollow,empty shell, but I am slowly filling up again as I work through my sorrow and learn to live, to love, again.......

 

[di and bob]

Antonio, never lose sight that you are a good person. What you have accomplished, what you have given to these little ones who loved you, is something to strive for by everyone. No one is perfect, but you are numbrer one in in my list of loving cat people! And because you are so loving you hurt so much more, and I'm so sorry for that, but God knows....

 

[Antonio65]

di and bob ,

 

[di and bob]