What to do?

[sneakymom]

I just don't know.  And I guess I don't want advice per say- it's MY life.  Just an ear to listen.  And give feedback. Not really cat-related.   

So ODD is scheduled to go off to college in the fall.  I so want to do SOMETHING with my life. 

A year and a half ago- I was halfway through school.  Then got asked to leave- mind you I was .5 away from passing.  Part was my fault.  But- part of the fault was due to my family- who seem to think I'm the "mommy maid". 

I'd put in 40ish hours a week doing school "junk".  Then I'd come home to a house that was a mess.  Laundry was needed to be done on the weekend.  And what would dh be doing?  Spending both weekend days playing stupid Evony.  I hate that MMPORG.  That and church were the priorties- and I came in a distant third. 

Kids weren't a whole lot of help either- and we're talking 2 teenagers at this point who are more than capable of doing "stuff".  I had never heard such whining when asking a certain college-bound daughter to scrub a toilet/ wash dishes/ sweep the floor (and I had to take stuff away when this happened). Or heated arguments in the kitchen by the 2 kids over doing dishes.   But sometimes I just was so tired- it had to be done- that I went ahead and did it. 

I did get over the whole "you're doing it wrong".  Did that for a while then quickly realized that people are going to do things the way they want to.  I do expect dishes to be put away and food put away.  2 of the cats get on counters and eat "scraps".  Love the 3 of them, but I don't want them eating it- nor is any of it good for them anyways.

So then school stopped- and I've been not doing a whole lot this last year.  I have however- stopped doing everything for the family.  Made the kids start washing their bathroom (I don't use it- why the heck am I cleaning it?)  There was much whining over having to take care of folding mountains of laundry.  Because "I" had done it all before.  Now- we do a load, and people are responsible for their laundry.  This seems to work a whole lot better than before. 

Dh did manage to give up the MMPORG.  But church was still the #1 priority.  Things came to a boil in Jan when he decided to do the Easter production at church.  Dd had 3 separate college visits in the span of 15 days.  Dh's attitude was "well- I'm going to miss church you have to go".  So I said "Fine- if it's THAT important to you- I will drive the child all over the darn state BY MYSELF.  Heaven forbid you miss a rehersal for a "show" they're putting on" (that's another issue completely and I don't want to get into it here)  I guess what I said sunk in.  We had a long talk.  No- he didn't go on the "college road trip" with dd.  But- the 2 overnight trips we had to take (music school auditions and I didn't feel like making the kid get up in the middle of the night to drive 4 hours to get where we needed to be by 8am) he took off from work.  Hung out with the other kid.  Did laundry.  It was kind of nice not having to come back to the house as a disaster area (and you-know-who having to clean it all up).

Oh yeah and leftovers.  Kids hate leftovers.  Before- I'd try to make something they'd like.  Now, on days that people are eating at all different hours, we do leftovers.  Kids don't like them- find something to eat and make it yourself.  But don't think that "mommy maid" is going to clean up you r mess.

I've been doing this volunteer thing for the city.  I don't think I'm going to continue.  I'm supposed to be advocating for kids- but half the time I feel like all I do is mediate and listen to "family drama".  If I want drama- I don't need to leave my house

.  Nor do I enjoy getting NO PAYCHECK at all to deal with family drama.  

Social work/counseling could be interesting.  I looked up a program online, and if i got in next year, I could be done before dd graduates college (hoping it'll only take her 4 years)  Or- I looked into getting a job.  But- if I do so- will people around here just figure that "mommy will do it" and they can continue going on with their lives?  I have no interest in having life be like it was a year and a half ago.  If they REALLY want me to do something- it's going to require sacrifice.  From EVERYONE.  When the oldest leaves for school- my youngest doesn't get her licence to drive for another year.  So it's going to be back to the "hauling her around everywhere". 

Will dh drop things to get dd somewhere?  Like a music lesson?  Will people look at me when I come in the door after them- after spending all day at school and say "What's for dinner- we're hungry" as dh sits in front of the laptop, and dd sits there with her phone in her hand- happily texting away.  

I know this was kind of long.  Thanks for listening. 

Cheryl

 

[yayi]

You're being taken for granted. Your effort and work are not appreciated. Maybe you and your family could sit down and talk about it. Whining, complaining, nagging, threatening are not allowed. Just discuss each other's priorities and what one expects from the other. If a family get together will be hard to organize, how about writing them a letter first with a request for an answer? 

Good luck and hope things get better for you. 

 

[Winchester]

Been there. While I was going to college and working full time. It's not easy trying to get everything done, especially when it seems that you're the only one who gives a rodent's patootie. We sat down and had a family meeting. It worked for awhile, but things got back to "normal". When I worked second shift, I would work on homework, papers, etc. in the morning. Then I'd clean the house a bit, make dinner for the guys, do a bit of laundry, clean the kitchen from the night before (because the guys certainly didn't clean up after themselves). When I was on third shift, I'd leave work, drive over to school for the day, drive back home, make dinner and clean up. Then go to bed for a couple of hours before I had to get up and do it over again.

You know what? I went on strike while I was on second shift one week. I just got so tired of them taking advantage of me and whining when they had to do something and I said to myself....no more. Got out of bed, worked on my class stuff, did a load of my own laundry, got my shower and went into work. No dinner for the guys. No cleaning the kitchen. Nothing. Got home that night and the kitchen looked like a hurricane hit it. Oh well. The next day, I got up, worked on my class stuff until it was time for my shower and went to work. No dinner. No clean-up. No laundry for them. Nothing.

We went that way the entire week that I was on second shift. The entire week. It was hard because, while I'm not a neatnik, I do like the house to be clean. Or at least kinda clean.

 But I kept it up. I made up my mind that I was not their slave, I was not there to do their bidding. And I could go as long as they could.

My last night of second shift, when I came home, the kitchen was spotless. There wasn't so much as a glass in the sink. Laundry was done. They had vacuumed and dusted. The bathroom was shining. The house was perfect. I walked into DS's bedroom and said, "Thank you." He said, "You're welcome." Same thing for my husband. And that was it. Nothing more was ever said about it.

They started doing more around the house, too. The way I see it is that they live there, too. And I'm not a slave, darn it. I was going to school part time and working a full time, seven-day swing-shift job with one weekend a month off. It doesn't kill them to pitch in and help. Stop the whining; heck, if they'd just shut up and do whatever needs to be done, it would be done already.

As for leftovers, well, it's not an option. They either eat what is served or they starve. That's just the way it is. I didn't worry about it. My son learned to cook at an early age and he's a good cook. While DH still has issues trying to make a meal (he's a lot slower than I am, but he worries about that more than I do), he does a pretty good job. You want to eat dinner? Fine, you cook. I don't care what it is....make it. Grow up.

 

[sneakymom]

As far as leftovers- I've been so "mean"

So dh was at church all night last night doing choir stuff.  I had a fridge full of leftovers- and wanted people to eat them.  Had no intention of making AND cleaning up dinner all by myself.  And why would I have had to do that?  Both kids had schoolwork that took them half the night to do. 

So- what did I do- made myself food.  Cleaned MY mess up.  Told kids that they were welcome to whatever they wanted- but in no way,shape or form was "I" cleaning it up.  Electronics would dissapear if they didn't.  Because- a smartphone is a very "cool" toy (both kids now have one- oldest needs a phone b/c she drives a van with 125,000 miles on it).  BUT- you do not "need" a smartphone. Nor did you "need" the iPd touch that "Santa" gave you at Christmas.   Therefore- if "mommy maid" has to clean up after you- it will dissapear for a time that "I" think is reasonable if you can't manage to clean up the mess that you make.  AND- the fact that one of you is 18 and the other is 15- you can make food (I just went grocery shopping and had a couple of cans of soup in the pantry) all by yourself. 

Youngest made soup.  Youngest cleaned up her mess.  The clean dishes didn't get put away though.  I could be really a pain in the butt and tell them to do that- but at the moment- I'm just happy that they're cleaning up their mess.

And Winchester- I'm like you.  Though I'm not a neatnick (there's dust bunnies in the hallway that Holly likes to play with

) the kitchen needs to be cleaned up after people use it.  We've got a whole 1 counter that you can prepare food on- and it irritates me to no end when there's crap all over it and it takes an additional 10 minutes to clean that up before you can even think about making food. Or dishes inside the tiny sink we have- and again- you have to clean that up before you can make any kind of food.

BTW- youngest did lose electronics for the night.  But not because of cleaning up.  She's had a retainer for a week- and has this lovely habit of NOT using the case the orthodontist gave her.  Wraps it in a paper towel.  And guess what- the darn thing got lost last night.  "I" almost stepped on it- which would have meant a trip over to the orthodontist (meaning she'd miss school or lessons this afternoon) AND an additional expense if the darn thing had to be replaced.  All electronics have dissapeared until tonight.  Sister has a phone so they're covered while driving today.  I think she's learned her lesson- this morning while she was eating breakfast- I asked where the retainer was.  She said "In the case in the bathroom". 

They can lean

Maybe I can consider school next year.................

Cheryl

 

[natalie_ca]

You are seriously being taken for granted.

However, I believe that we teach people how to treat us. The fact that you resign yourself to picking up the slack, lets the rest of your family know that what they are doing is "ok", because you will just do it anyway, after you have a good "whine" about it to them.  So because they know you will just do it, they don't bother.

You seriously need to sit down and tell them how you are feeling and let them know your expectations of each of them. Come up with a "job board" where house hold tasks are shared equally between all of you. Your kids are teenagers, no reason for them to have a free ride anymore.  Tell them they are expected to do certain jobs around the house, or they will have to get part time jobs and start paying you rent.

So far as your husband is concerned, you need to know that your marriage is a partnership, and that you do not feel he is pulling his weight where parenting duties are concerned.

And once you tell them how you feel, and have a job board up, you stick to it. You dig your heels in and no matter what, you do not pick up the slack for them. For example, laundry. If they haven't put it into a hamper, don't go and pick it up. Just do what is in the hamper.  When it's washed, give the clean clothing to each person and telll them they have to fold and put their stuff away. If their clothing is wrinkled, it's on them.

Sorry, but you have to retrain your family and teach them that you will not be treated the way you have been.

So far as going to school? Why wait? Your family is old enough to start taking care of themselves and they don't need you with them 24/7. It's not like your kids are little.  Why can't the 15 year old take a bus? Or what about car pooling where each parent takes a turn with the weeks for driving kids around?

 

[natalie_ca]

Any updates?