Week 5 without Mouse

StephMo

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A few of you were very responsive to my post about Mouse being sick... some of your advice I'm convinced gave me some extra time with him. We said goodbye on 7/18/22. My triaditis post is here: https://thecatsite.com/threads/triaditis-leading-to-urinary-food-aversion.445681/post-5551794

I didn't know what to expect when it comes to having him put to sleep, because I've never been through that before. I'd had Mousey since I was 25, so for all intents and purposes - my entire adult life post-college was experienced with him by my side. No kiddos, busy career, no direct or extended family, and not a huge social circle. So Mouse was really my whole world outside of work and I 'became who I am today' with him as the most stable and consistent 'thread in the sweater' so-to-speak. Everything else would change - but Mouse didn't.

The first week I was in shock and actually didn't cry... the lint trap in the dryer still gathered cat hair from whatever had previously accumulated. I'd look down on my bathroom counter and see a stray cat hair - I found a whisker on the floor by the sofa. I saved it, as weird as that is - he had the most beautiful, long whiskers. Coming home to an empty house after work was hard. Waking up to a quiet house was harder. Sitting on the couch with an empty lap was foreign. Every single activity in my life he inserted himself into - so just going about daily life without him was a bunch of lonely 'firsts'.

The second week was horrible and had some of those 'lay on the floor and cry like a crazy person' episodes... I had ordered a 74-photo "coffee table tribute book", a 4x6 print of every photo I'd ever taken of him (about a thousand pictures), and his ashes came back. My beautiful 12 pound boy - reduced to a tiny wooden box. The end of week two I organized the thousand photos in approximate chronological order and put them into two huge photo albums. I also cleaned his litterboxes and put them away - and disassembled the cat tree so I wouldn't have to look at it every day. All of his toys and shampoos and brushes and vitamins went in a little box, but photos remain up. I donated all his food and cat litter. There was some weird closure in doing this. He liked to sleep one of two places every night: either in my arms like a little spoon, or on a pillow next to my head. So his ashes box is sitting on his pillow on my bed. This might be morbid, but it's been there every night for three weeks now. For a while I held the box in my sleep, which might be even more weird.

The third week was better in that, I don't think I cried, but it was somber. The lint trap was only lint. I realized that there's no longer a need to check the dryer halfway through a load to scrape it out twice. No more stray cat hairs, and the Dyson isn't picking up anymore fur... Sigh.

Week four I thought I was finally moving past the emotional rollercoaster, but now I'm on week five and it feels like week two all over again. I just miss him so, so deeply. I wish the grief and sadness would go away and stay gone. I'm considering writing a list of all the unique things he did that I loved, so I never ever forget. I still remember all his little noises and 'tones of voice' - there may come a day when I can't hear those in my head anymore.

All that to say, I have a coworker who has a fresh litter of kittens that will be ready to leave their mama by the end of September, and I'm wondering if anyone has had success with 'moving on' by getting a new kitty? Was it hard to not put pressure on the new kitty to 'act like your first and favorite' kitty? How soon is too soon to consider this? If I don't bottle feed the kitten, does that make for a weaker relationship? Since Mouse has been my only pet, and he was a bit of an outlier as far as cats go (fetched/retrieved, did tricks, never scratched my belongings, super affectionate, never marked outside his box, etc - he was kind of 'perfect') he's my only frame of reference.
 

Furballsmom

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Hello
As I read through your post, twice 💞 I saw the similarities -- we collected whiskers, and donated things from our angel kitty Moffit to help try and regain our emotional balance, that sort of thing.

There have been members who have gotten another cat fairly soon after. You're right, one of the challenges is comparing, and having to shift expectations, but I'm thinking this aspect might be easier with a kitten. They are so new to all that the world has to offer, that I think they end up demanding that a person see them as utterly themselves almost by default.

This might help;

I will lend to you a kitten, God said,
for you to love while it lives, and mourn when it's dead.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years, or maybe 2 or 3,
but will you, 'till I call them back, take care of them for me?
They'll bring their charms to gladden you, and should their stay be brief,
you'll always have their memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise they will stay for all from Earth return,
but there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true,
and from the folk's that crowd life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give it all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?
My heart replied, "My Lord, Thy Will Be Done",
for all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief I'll run.
We'll shelter it with tenderness, we'll love it while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of it whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitten departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all it's life.

Author Unknown
 
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StephMo

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Hello
As I read through your post, twice 💞 I saw the similarities -- we collected whiskers, and donated things from our angel kitty Moffit to help try and regain our emotional balance, that sort of thing.

There have been members who have gotten another cat fairly soon after. You're right, one of the challenges is comparing, and having to shift expectations, but I'm thinking this aspect might be easier with a kitten. They are so new to all that the world has to offer, that I think they end up demanding that a person see them as utterly themselves almost by default.

This might help;

I will lend to you a kitten, God said,
for you to love while it lives, and mourn when it's dead.
Maybe for 12 or 14 years, or maybe 2 or 3,
but will you, 'till I call them back, take care of them for me?
They'll bring their charms to gladden you, and should their stay be brief,
you'll always have their memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise they will stay for all from Earth return,
but there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true,
and from the folk's that crowd life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give it all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?
My heart replied, "My Lord, Thy Will Be Done",
for all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief I'll run.
We'll shelter it with tenderness, we'll love it while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
If by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of it whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitten departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all it's life.

Author Unknown
Thank you for that..
Do you have an opinion on male versus female as far as health and affection go? I've read that males tend towards the urinary problems (this plagued Mouse) but that the females tend towards less affection. Seeing how I've only owned one cat, I can only go off 'urban legend'. An cat who isn't affectionate I don't want to have, but the litter I'm going to look at has both boys and girls.. I'm tempted to stick with males and take my chances on the crystals.
 

Jaxson’s momma

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I am sorry for your loss. After I put my Jaxson down I found some if his fur under the dining room chair. I still have it saved in an envelope. It gets easier day by day and we recently adopted an orange tabby who is the sweetest little guy❤ I think a new kitten really helps but it took me 8 months to feel ready to love again
 

di and bob

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You did what I did too, the finding of a whisker or hair could reduce me to a blubbering mess......I saved all i could and have them in a little cat figurine...
Do keep a journal and write down EVERYTHING you remember in as great of detail as you can. The years have a way of lowering our level of grief but they can bring a haze to our other memories too.
You miss him so much, you want and need a cat in your life. This would NEVER replace that sweet boy's spot, he taught you what a cat's love can be and would be honored that you will add to his love and use what he gave you to perpetuate his memory.
It can be a welcome distraction in such a time of sadness, you can talk to Mouse and have him help you through all this. He wants to see you happy, just as much as you would want happiness for him if you were the first to go. That is love.
Boys can be more affectionate. I have had many vets tell me that delaying neutering until at least 6 months can help with not having crystals. Something about the maturing of the urinary system. If you can't decide between a boy or a girl, how about one of each? Or two boys? Two are such fun to watch, they keep each other company and really, no costlier than one. I bring all three of mine into the vets and only get charged for one office call. Not so much food waste and they double your joy! PLEASE keep us informed on what you decide!
 
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StephMo

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delaying neutering until at least 6 months can help with not having crystals. Something about the maturing of the urinary system.
I absolutely wouldn't be surprised by this. Mouse was neutered as early as he was eligible, probably 2-3 months, because I didn't know any better at the time... although he wasn't diagnosed as needing Rx food until a few years later. The first couple years of his life I thought I was doing him a favor by feeding a grain-free Wellness CORE Naturals formula, which the vet said probably helped cause the crystals. Way to go, Mom. Who would have guessed. The thing I hated about the Rx formula was - there's no flavors. So, once your kitty starts eating it, you don't have any backup options if they decide one day they are bored. Royal Canin supposedly has some "secret magic ingredient" that dissolves the crystals in their formula - I wish they would offer that ingredient as a stand-alone Rx supplement for sick kitties who won't eat their food.

Lessons learned for future kitty because I do think I'm going to stick with boys. Overall, I thankfully don't feel too much of the "guilt of possible mistakes" that so many often express when looking back in hindsight. The biggest guilt point, which I've mostly forgiven myself for, would have been March-May before his sickness took off - there were several minor things here and there that I missed leading up to "the late May UTI which supposedly set off triaditis" because they didn't happen often enough for me to think they were problems. A little bit of excess thirst sometimes, several mornings of vomiting clear foamy stuff spread out over three months, less zoomies, a few random bites... when those things only happen once every 2 weeks it just felt like "cats are weird sometimes, he's probably fine". His labs in late January were fine when he got his teeth cleaned, so I didn't think he was sick. By the time I figured it out, it was probably already too late to change course regardless of veterinary treatment.

The suggestion of a journal is a good one. I plan on starting the memory logging this weekend while everything is fresh in my mind :hearthrob:
 

danteshuman

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I cried the week before Dante died as I said goodbye to him, just in case. I didn’t cry for a few days. I was depressed for months and moved into my apartment and adopted a kitten I fostered that was returned; becuase a house isn’t home without a cat. I couldn’t have opened my heart to a kitten if I hadn’t loved him before I knew Dante was sick. When you feel ready I would suggest fostering (maybe a pregnant mama cat?) That way you have cats around but are not trying to adopt before you are ready.

The advice I got from here that helped me was to to talk to my deceased pet while petting a cst. It helped, though I broke down crying the first time. Over the years it has morphed to me telling Jackie how much I miss his Uncle Dante.

The other thing that helped a lot was my mom painted an almost life sized portrait of Dante. Seeing an almost life sized portrait of him every day helps a lot. You can have pictures printed cheaply on a canvas at places like Amazon, Target & Costco (plus many others.)
 

mrsgreenjeens

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I was going to suggest fostering too. If it's a failed foster, great. If not, you still have helped out a cat in need until someone else adopts it. If you do decide on adopting a kitten, I would suggest getting two, as mentioned above, just because kittens are a LOT of work and if you aren't home all the time, they can keep each other entertained when they aren't sleeping. If nothing else, can you visit the kittens you are thinking about NOW and see if any of them seem appealing to you? But just know that no cat will be just like Mouse. Every cat seems to have their own special little personalities, some are very laid back, some are always getting into mischief, some like to play, some are couch potatoes, etc. I have two that are as different as night and day, but if I had to chose between them, there is no way I could so it. Oh, and I agree that males seem much more loving than females. We're on our 8th and 9th cats right now, and have only had two females in that entire lot. Neither liked to be picked up and only liked to be loved on their terms. My boys now fight over my lap every single eveningI And one even jumps up into my arms if I ignore him too long. And they both sleep on me.

Your tribute to Mouse made me cry and my heart breaks for you. Time does help with the pain of loss. It will never go away completely, but there will come a time when you will think of him with a smile on your face as you remember all the wonderful times you had together. And no other cat will ever replace him, you heart will just expand to love another along with Mouse.

Rest in Peace, sweet little :rbheart: Mouse :rbheart:
 

danteshuman

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Oh yes no one could ever replace Dante! Dante was a hyper terror who was my shadow. Dante buddied up to just one kitten, Jackie ..... who is also a hyper twerp. I adopted Jackie because I knew how to handle hyper cats and didn’t want him rehomed again at 1-2 years old when he didn’t grow out of his hyper phase. I loved Jackie but still was grieving hard for that first year. I would often look at Jackie & think “I love you but you aren’t my best friend” during that first year. Which is why I suggested fostering until you were ready.

I have had many cats before but Dante was my soul kitty. Don’t give me wrong; I love Jackie to pieces but he isn’t my soul kitty. When you are ready the right cat will come to you. They may not be your soul kitty but they will still own a piece of your heart.

Dante & Jackie together before Dante died:
1CEC743F-3A14-4BEE-B6F5-2CCA7130916F.jpeg
6FD97DDB-B154-421F-9035-54AD938E6845.jpeg
 
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StephMo

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692AF61E-3B8B-4196-BC7D-A6035F84D527.jpeg

This is a painting I did of Mouse back in 2016… I’m not the best artist, but it’s decent! I boop the nose often, like when he was alive. And there’s tons of other photos up everywhere. I made a point to not hide from his image. I wanted to get comfortable with seeing photos and being “okay”
And yes - I’ve fostered little bottle babies before (Mouse was a bottle baby) but only when God sends them randomly into my life on an emergency basis.. I really love young homeless kittens, but it’s not something I go looking for - I just find myself in the right place at the right time I guess. The most recent was earlier this spring when I cared for two little ones for a couple weeks and then rehomed them. I rent an apartment - so technically, unless a pet is mine, I can’t bring it home.
I’m able to give a kitty boat loads of attention but I really don’t want two, just one. Someday when I own my own house I’ll consider two. The kittens my coworker has I’ll be meeting in a couple weeks. (There’s supposedly a boy set aside for me who is silvery gray with white paws 💚)
Grief is strange - up and down. This week is better than last week, I cooked dinner for the first time in months instead of eating from a can.
Thank you guys. You’ve made this week better.
 
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StephMo

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Oh yes no one could ever replace Dante! Dante was a hyper terror who was my shadow. Dante buddied up to just one kitten, Jackie ..... who is also a hyper twerp. I adopted Jackie because I knew how to handle hyper cats and didn’t want him rehomed again at 1-2 years old when he didn’t grow out of his hyper phase. I loved Jackie but still was grieving hard for that first year. I would often look at Jackie & think “I love you but you aren’t my best friend” during that first year. Which is why I suggested fostering until you were ready.

I have had many cats before but Dante was my soul kitty. Don’t give me wrong; I love Jackie to pieces but he isn’t my soul kitty. When you are ready the right cat will come to you. They may not be your soul kitty but they will still own a piece of your heart.

Dante & Jackie together before Dante died:
View attachment 430124
View attachment 430126
I think Mouse was my soul kitty for sure based on what you say! We were peas and carrots from nose to tail. It’s like we read each other’s minds 🥰. I’m grateful to have ever even had a connection like that. I wish fostering were feasible, but I’m pretty sure if I’m meant to have a kitty, it’ll happen. 🌻💚
 

neely

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My sincere and heartfelt sympathies go out to you on the passing of Mouse. :hugs: It's obvious from your tribute that he meant the world to you and I'm sure visa versa. May the memories you have of him carry you through this difficult time and may he remain in your heart forever and ever. :hearthrob::redheartpump::hearthrob:

I'm wondering if anyone has had success with 'moving on' by getting a new kitty? Was it hard to not put pressure on the new kitty to 'act like your first and favorite' kitty? How soon is too soon to consider this?
In answer to your questions I've always waited to adopt a new cat because I needed time to grieve. However, our present cat changed all this for me. Our daughter found a pic of him on a shelter's website so I agreed to go there just out of curiosity. The rest is history, I fell in love at first sight and filled out an application immediately. There was a connection that I can't explain but I knew he was meant to come home with us. I've never regretted my decision for one single moment and thank my lucky stars for sending him to me. :lovecat3:
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Mouse, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Not one thing you spoke about seemed "weird" to me. Not one thing. My own girl is getting older, and I'm already saving things...she has ONE white whisker, and every time she sheds it, and I locate it, I place it in an envelope. I must have 15 of them now. Silly, but someday, I will look at them, and I will smile. You do whatever gets you through this. There are no rules. And no one here will think that anything you do that helps you is "silly."

I'm with the others on this one...females tend to be less affectionate. My next cat will almost certainly be a male because of that. I'm ready for a snuggle buddy, although I would not trade my girl for the entire world. And my own next cat will be a senior, as I am, as well. However, you are still young enough to be there for a kitten "forever." They are enchanting little guys, and I am sure that the one you choose will quickly win his very own place in your heart, right next to Mouse's. And I am sure that Mouse, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, will be cheering you on!
 
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StephMo

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My own girl is getting older, and I'm already saving things...
Had I known last August, that that would be our last August together - I would have taken more photos, saved more whiskers, and watched more movies to get even more lap time. Not that I ever turned him away when he wanted attention - I didn't. That's another thing that's hard - when I look at the date stamps on the photos --- at the time they were taken I had no idea that in X months he'd be gone forever. This year, from February thru about April I actually went through an unusual dry spell as far as photo-taking, and in hindsight that makes me so sad. I had always wanted 18 or 20 years, which isn't unrealistic for a housecat who is well cared for. Never in a million years did I think he'd be gone in 12. The emotional waves have settled into this low-range constant ache, the crying spells are more brief, but I'm still not "okay enough" to watch any of his old, funny videos. My favorite one is from about 2016 when he learned how to open "people doors" (in addition to the kitchen cabinets and dressers) which meant no room was safe from his investigation. :hearthrob::hearthrob: He was too smart to stay ahead of! I'm hoping the next few weeks get better and that by October I've got a new little buddy to pour into all over again.
 
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