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We Put Our Cat To Sleep Yesterday And I Am Devastated

Discussion in 'Crossing the Bridge' started by galaga5150, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. galaga5150

    galaga5150 Thread Starter TCS Member Kitten

    Jul 10, 2018
    Penfield NY
    Our 12 year old cat Maggie was diagnosed with kidney failure about 2 months ago.
    We always brought her to well visits at our local vet along with with our other cat Kiggs.
    They said at this age they like to start yearly bloodwork which we said of course.

    We were told that Maggie had stage 3 kidney failure and close to stage 4.

    My wife knows the details and I am sorry if I sound vague.
    Maggie was put immediately on a special diet and medication.
    She never showed any signs of illness and continued to be a wonderful part of our lives.

    Last month she took a bad turn. She was not eating or drinking and was very slow to move.
    My wife brought her to the vet and they said her levels had doubled. My wife knows what levels means she is better with the medical issues in our home.
    We admitted her and they gave her IVs and flushed her of the toxins in her blood. She returned home 2 days later and was her old self again for about 3 weeks.

    The day after July 4 Maggie had a bad turn again.
    Signs started slowly but Saturday she was very sick. My wife brought her to the vet and they took more blood and sent us home with anti-nausea medicine and pain relief.

    Her bloodwork showed that her levels were extremely high.
    Between Friday and Monday she had only eaten about a tablespoon of food.
    I was helping her to drink water and move around the home so she could carry on her normal routines.

    Monday July 9 at 7pm we decided to have her put to sleep.
    The vet, without saying it, suggested that this was a good option for Maggie.
    We brought her in her favorite blanket that I had from college days and she was very content.
    I was not aware that her eyes would not close and her ears stayed up.
    She was looking at me with her sweet face and I cannot get that image out of my mind.
    I am so filled with guilt and I cannot shake it.
    She did not twitch or void herself...she kept her self in a proud presence like she always did.
    Who am I to have made that choice.
    I have cried myself to sleep since we decided to do this and I regret the decision.
    I will never do this again. I do not want her to suffer but I wished she had passed away at home. We would have given her pain medicine and kept her as comfortable as possible.

    She is having an individual cremation and will be back home with us in a week.
    Hopefully that will help me.

    Maggie is a cat that I adopted as a surprise for my wife when we were having a difficult time getting pregnant.
    She was truly magical.
    We have a 9 year old girl that had Maggie as a part of her whole life.
    Maggie and daddy were r daughters first words.

    Thank you for reading this.
    I am sure it was a long winded read.

    I am currently married for 13 years
    We have a 9 year old daughter
    I have been in an engineering position for over 12 years
    I have had not had a sheltered life at all...
    I have endured many tragedies that were above and beyond the norm.

    This is the worst thing that I have ever gone through.

    I feel like I want to talk with someone.
    I joined this site because of reading similar stories on this forum.

    I am certainly not looking for any negative comments...I thought I was making the best decision at the time. Unfortunately with her rapid decline there was no time.
    les26, Furballsmom, Mamanyt1953 and 3 others purraised this.

  2. Antonio65

    Antonio65 TCS Member Top Cat

    Feb 27, 2017
    Orbassano - Italy
    your post is full of love for your Maggie, and the pain is clearly visible in your words.
    You wrote it, maggie couldn't stand her condition any longer, yo did what was right, in the right moment. And you stayed with her, a kindness that she will grateful for forever.

    I know how hard it is, I've been there many times, and despite being my age, it is still one the hardest trials I had in my life.

    Maggie has received your love and returned it many times stronger, has been a faithful companion in your lives, she will never forget you, but she has already forgiven you, because you made her the most precious of the gifts, an end of life free of pain.

    RIP Maggie, tell your family you're fine now.
    varsity, Plumeria, Furballsmom and 3 others purraised this.

  3. les26

    les26 Sylvester's daddy Top Cat

    Nov 19, 2015
    Emmaus, Pennsylvania
    I am so sorry to hear this all too familiar story, it sounds like our Sebastian who exhibited moderate kidney disease only to one day pass away in my arms when I came home from work and yes those images like that and yours are horrible, they stay with you for quite awhile but lose their sting with time; I too am a male who has witnessed some rough things but when we lose our little furry friends whom we feel 100% responsible it hurts as if you too feel like you will die and don't care if you do, I totally understand and so do the WONDERFUL friends on here, you will get much comfort and compassion here not negative answers, you did what you thought was the right thing based on what your vet said and what you knew, I am sure that your vet would have said differently, but it sounds like what you said having to help her walk and all it was time, and from my experience when they are injected and pass away peacefully and immediately it is time, they are so so tired and welcome the deep sleep, she fought so hard but is now relieved to have left her pain riddled body and she thanks you for helping her out of her pain and you all sound like you gave her a wonderful life, you have no regrets and you will see her again many years down the line and it will be wonderful. But it hurts like hell now, you may experience anxiety, depression, anger, all kinds of things but that is the grief talking and is quite normal, just go with it as tough as it is just feel how you feel and let the poison slowly leave your system, if you try to fight it it will just delay it, feel what you feel and it will slowly leave you but does take much time. I also found taking the herb Holy Basil helped me deal with it and it is not addictive like drugs and had no side effects, it just helps you adapt to the stress, it is still there but you can deal with it clearer.

    And please stay on here, these folks understand and there are several guys on here too so we too have a soft spot for the little kitties.

    "Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

    I hope that your hearts heal a bit more each day, stay strong, Lord Bless you.....:alright: :grouphug::rbheart:
    Plumeria, Purr-fect, Furballsmom and 3 others purraised this.

  4. solomonar

    solomonar TCS Member Alpha Cat

    Jan 13, 2017
    You did not make any decision. We are only the arms of Love, not Her brain. Maggie loved you and therefore she pushed you to do what she could not do on her own (remember she attempted twice).

    The Return the the home-cloud happens in many ways. The way Maggie decided to get back is the softest, believe me. And she could make this decision because she had you.

    I can write to describe awful ends (as humans calls the return). But I prefer to only say that I would be very happy for somebody to help me in the way you did for Maggie when my time will come (I know it is not possible).

    My tears and I will eat a piece of fish for Maggie to remember.
    Purr-fect, les26, Furballsmom and 2 others purraised this.

  5. Mamanyt1953

    Mamanyt1953 Rules my home with an iron paw Staff Member Forum Helper

    Oct 16, 2015
    Havelock, North Carolina
    Rest you gentle, Maggie, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

    Please try to forgive yourself. Maggie would tell you that there is nothing to forgive at all, and that you eased her way out of a life that no longer brought any joy. It is the greatest blessing that we can give our beloved animals, to see that they do not have to struggle and suffer. It takes great strength, great love, and a huge unselfishness to do this. People here know that. And we know how one grieves, and how one second-guesses that decision, even when it was the only one to be made. As some wise vets have said, "Better too soon than too late."

    Love does not die. It changes form and continues on, still Love. Maggie has not left you and your family. She has simply shrugged off that heavy coat of flesh that could no longer support her loving heart and sweet spirit. Now, she dances on starlight, thanking you for her freedom, loving you all still, and grieving only for your sorrow.
    Purr-fect, Antonio65, les26 and 1 other person purraised this.

  6. Furballsmom

    Furballsmom Cat Fan especially Black Cats Staff Member Forum Helper

    Jan 9, 2018
    Colorado USA
    She went to her rest with your face in her mind.
    You gave her a tremendous gift, by ending her pain. To have kept her at home might not have been the best, as mentioned with two bad turns, however for future reference there are veterinarians who will come to an owners' residence to help a pet onwards.
    Her grace, strength and prowess have been returned to her, and she will wait for you at The Bridge.
    RIP sweetheart, you did your job as a loving feline to the utmost and your pawprints are on a heart and soul forever.

  7. Artscats

    Artscats Georgie Boy Young Cat

    Jul 6, 2018
    I had to do the same 4 days ago. I well up every time I hear someone having to go through this. And like you, I doubted my decision many times. And just now it dawned on me. My mother passed away many years ago when I was out of town. But at the time, if I was there and I knew she was suffering like my cat was suffering, I would have done all I could to end her burden and ease her pain. We cry and we're devastated because our pets are like children. But what makes this very different is children aren't suppose to die before their parents. That's what makes this so hard - we're losing our children. Yet, in body, they're senior citizens. We lose a senior citizen who's a child to us. There's no other dynamic, in life as a human, that matches this. And there's no preparation to make it easier. All I can say is those who survive - who grieve, who cry, who wonder - have learned a spiritual lesson like no other. We all need to cry - men and women. I remember what my Mom told once when I found her crying. She said "Let me cry. I need to. I'll feel better after". I told my cat those very words this morning when I thought about him and the tears started flowing again. They know we need this for now. Later, things will change. Peace
    Mamanyt1953, LisaT., Purr-fect and 4 others purraised this.

  8. Purr-fect

    Purr-fect TCS Member Super Cat

    Apr 20, 2017
    "Who am I to have made that choice?"

    - you were Maggie's hero. You had courage and accepted the responsibility to make the difficult agonizing choice. You did not ket her down. You put her needs and comfort ahead of your own. Maggie went to sleep. She went contentedly, but you remain to suffer the pain and guilt. That is love, commitment and honor. You gave her the final gift despite knowing the toll you would pay.

    The right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do. And you did it for her.

    THAT is who you are.

    Most of us here have had a similar experience. It will get better in time.
    Mamanyt1953, Antonio65, les26 and 1 other person purraised this.

  9. artiemom

    artiemom Artie, my Angel; a part of my heart Top Cat

    Dec 22, 2014
    near Boston
    All I can say is: ((HUGS)))... nothing else... I put my guy down on May 23.... I am still not over it... the grief is overwhelming, at times...,

    That is what grief is: you have to give in to it... let it go; when and wherever... just let it out... as long as it takes...

    Remember: you gave your baby a good life; full of love... that is what matters in the end~~~ LOVE....

    try to keep focusing on that~~ I know it is hard. I am still grieving, and trying to do so... but.....
    It is a part of life... a part of life, when we decide to love someone.. It is a given...

    When we LOVE, we Grieve, when our loved one is gone...

    Honestly, I think it is worse for us petowners/caregivers; because WE are in charge of the decisions... guilt will always be there... but, it is guilt out of love... nothing more, nothing less... out of LOVE...

    If we did not love, then we would not feel....

    Sending you the best.... I, myself, are still struggling with this....

    Mamanyt1953, Plumeria, LisaT. and 4 others purraised this.

  10. galaga5150

    galaga5150 Thread Starter TCS Member Kitten

    Jul 10, 2018
    Penfield NY
    I am very happy that I joined this forum and shared my story.
    Reading all of the replies has helped me start to see some light on the side of ridding myself of guilt and hurt.
    You have all taken the time to read and reply to our story of loss and have shown me an example of truly kind/caring people of the world.
    I am going to share this with my wife.

    Thank you

  11. jeannecarol

    jeannecarol TCS Member Young Cat

    Aug 15, 2015
    New Haven, Connecticut
    Two years ago we had the same situation with my Oreo. He was 16, true, but he too had kidney failure. He lost way too much weight and had blood in his urine, and it really was the kindest thing we could do for him, but that doesn't mean it was easy. It's awful to see them go, but it's miserable when we have to be the ones to assist them on the road. But do know that your dear Maggie is now happy where she is. And the same for all you who have gone through this.
    Mamanyt1953, les26 and Antonio65 purraised this.

  12. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    What sweet Maggie had was not curable. As you found out, treatments prolong the inevitable, and often the pain and misery that goes with it. My husband went through the same thing. It brought this big, strong man, who has experienced so many deaths in his life, to his knees......
    You performed a supreme act of kindness, an act of love. What is done in the name of love is not wrong. You saw what your sweet Maggie was going through, she was no longer enjoying life, but was existing, enduring life. She was ready, she accepted her end and was the proud little warrior you have always known. She was ready to end the pain and the endless tests.
    I know it is almost impossible, but try not to dwell on the end, except the fact that she is no longer suffering. When they die at home, it is most often prolonged and so very painful to watch. The decline, the loss of control and the fighting against the inevitable. It is as painful to witness. There is no 'good' way to die, because every living thing fights it. To die in your home, in your sleep is very rare. She was surrounded by your love and took a piece of your heart with her. Do not make her death more important than her life. Her life was infinitely more important.
    You will always have that special bond of love with that little girl. It can never be taken from you, death cannot take what never dies.... your love. She would want you to go forward into the future and find the joy of living that she had, because that is what love is. It is as you would have wanted for her and your family if you were the first to go. She wants mo different.
    My heart goes out to you, I know how empty the house is right now, how much it hurts. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. These sweet little ones worm their way into your heart and the loss can be even more devastating than most others, because of their simple pure love and the joy they bring us. They never condemn, they never hold grudges, they just love.....RIP beautiful Maggie. You will be dearly missed, you will forever have a secure place in your family's hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
    Purr-fect, Mamanyt1953, les26 and 1 other person purraised this.

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