Want to Make My Cat Feel Better

[Wheekie]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place or not! SO SORRY if I'm not! Feel free to change it!
I saved/rescued my kitty Princess when she was 2 years old. I feed ferals and she just showed up one day ,also eating their food. She had on one of those cheap plastic flea collars, so I knew she belonged to somebody...but she was very, very skinny...so I just kept feeding her...gave her a plate of her own.
One day, she showed up without the collar...started staying on my porch, sleeping there. ( It was summer...so she was OK!) I tried to find her owners...but no one replied. ( I admit, I did not try very hard!)
My problem is...it has been 6 years...and I think she is still skittish! Maybe she was abused...I don't know! I know she loves me...she follows me from room to room, sits at my feet...staring at me with her big green eyes, likes to touch my face, sleeps with me. She stays in the house only.

But she is one of those cats...she only wants to be near me...I try to hold her...she balks! She relaxes and feels safe for a moment.. I feel it and hear it in her breathing...but then she stiffens up, looks frightened and runs! That breaks my heart every time.

How can I make her feel truly safe...relaxed...know she is loved, home?

 

[Silver Crazy]

Sounds a lot how my Blue used to act and I know he had been slapped around and not treated very well.
I got him out of it (and still a work in progress in many ways) by every time I walked past or he walked past me I would just give a light scratch on the top of the head or gently let his tail slide through my hand as he passed, and as he got more confident a poke in the side or a quick scruff of his neck making it a fun thing. Just constant but short contact.
I also would put treats on my chest or shoulder so he got over his fear of being on your lap or near your face.
Sounds like she is really trying but having to get over her own fears.
Hand feed her often to, and on your lap if you can..that worked well with Blue.

 

[di and bob]

Some cats are closer to their wild side then we like, but be assured she loves you and trusts you but has been so hurt in the past that anxiety takes over and instinctively she is afraid of being hurt again. This has nothing to do with you, it is deeply ingrained and is something that takes a long time to overcome. As long as you are near and nonthreatening, she is fine. But the minute you try to restrain her in any way, like holding her or even putting your hand on her too long, instinct/panic takes over. Just accept her for the way she is. Offer treats and pets on her terms, don't ever try to force her into any situation where she feels she is being restrained. Since it has been 6 years, I don't see her changing anytime soon, but maybe getting older will soften her up a bit. Like said above, offer yummy treats and get her to get on your lap to get them. Repetition breeds familiarity, ( and calm) but some cats have fear ingrained too deep into their very being. You will be blessed for giving her a home, she is loving you the best she can, try to accept her for what she is.

 

[ArtNJ]

So she lets you pet her but not pick her up and/or put her on your lap? Is that where we are at, or you can't pet her despite her closeness?

Picking up is one of those things that not all cats like, and it can be tough to get there once they are older. The lap is easier in a a way, but still hard, as they need to come to you. You can't generally force a cat to like the lap, and putting them there if they don't like it is counter-productive. But you can scheme to map out a course from wherever you are at to lap cat. Just tell as a bit more about what interactions you have when and where.

 

[duncanmac]

Its a personality trait. I have one cat I can carry around the house and he is pleased just to sit in my arms. Our newest one doesn't mind being picked up too much, but I cannot walk with her (and sometimes picking up is a little much). Our third, a former feral, will not tolerate being picked up but at times will let you pet the hair off of him.

If you want to progress with the holding, when you feel her stiffen up, hold her for an extra second or two then let her go. If you try to force her to be held, she will resist and be scared. She will feel trapped like she can't get away. If she knows she can leave when she wants, she will be more comfortable.

It sounds like your girl is 90% of the way to where you want her - you seem to be doing fine so enjoy what you've got.

 

[Etarre]

Does she like being brushed? I trained my first cat to enjoy lap sitting and petting by brushing her as a bribe to sit on my lap.

My current cat was pretty skittish when we got her, and it just took a lot of time for her to feel secure in a new space. Playtime helped, and giving her spaces she could own and scent mark, like her cat tree. She has a 360 view and lots of escape routes from the cat tree, so she felt safe up there knowing that we could only approach and touch her if she allowed it. And we never, ever pick her up from there.

But I don't know a lot of cats who enjoy being picked up. They prefer to initiate contact, and respecting that 95% of the time (unless you need to cut their nails or take them to the vet, for example) builds trust.

 

[Wheekie]

Sounds a lot how my Blue used to act and I know he had been slapped around and not treated very well.
I got him out of it (and still a work in progress in many ways) by every time I walked past or he walked past me I would just give a light scratch on the top of the head or gently let his tail slide through my hand as he passed, and as he got more confident a poke in the side or a quick scruff of his neck making it a fun thing. Just constant but short contact.
I also would put treats on my chest or shoulder so he got over his fear of being on your lap or near your face.
Sounds like she is really trying but having to get over her own fears.
Hand feed her often to, and on your lap if you can..that worked well with Blue.

 

[Wheekie]

Thank you soooo much! Just quick touches...got it!

 

[Wheekie]

Some cats are closer to their wild side then we like, but be assured she loves you and trusts you but has been so hurt in the past that anxiety takes over and instinctively she is afraid of being hurt again. This has nothing to do with you, it is deeply ingrained and is something that takes a long time to overcome. As long as you are near and nonthreatening, she is fine. But the minute you try to restrain her in any way, like holding her or even putting your hand on her too long, instinct/panic takes over. Just accept her for the way she is. Offer treats and pets on her terms, don't ever try to force her into any situation where she feels she is being restrained. Since it has been 6 years, I don't see her changing anytime soon, but maybe getting older will soften her up a bit. Like said above, offer yummy treats and get her to get on your lap to get them. Repetition breeds familiarity, ( and calm) but some cats have fear ingrained too deep into their very being. You will be blessed for giving her a home, she is loving you the best she can, try to accept her for what she is.

 

[Wheekie]

I do accept her...love her so much! But what you are saying makes perfect sense. I am thinking that if I hug her, it will make her know she is loved. But it does probably push her panic button! THANK YOU!

Some cats are closer to their wild side then we like, but be assured she loves you and trusts you but has been so hurt in the past that anxiety takes over and instinctively she is afraid of being hurt again. This has nothing to do with you, it is deeply ingrained and is something that takes a long time to overcome. As long as you are near and nonthreatening, she is fine. But the minute you try to restrain her in any way, like holding her or even putting your hand on her too long, instinct/panic takes over. Just accept her for the way she is. Offer treats and pets on her terms, don't ever try to force her into any situation where she feels she is being restrained. Since it has been 6 years, I don't see her changing anytime soon, but maybe getting older will soften her up a bit. Like said above, offer yummy treats and get her to get on your lap to get them. Repetition breeds familiarity, ( and calm) but some cats have fear ingrained too deep into their very being. You will be blessed for giving her a home, she is loving you the best she can, try to accept her for what she is.

 

[Wheekie]

What you say makes sense. I thought if I hugged her, it would let her know she was loved. But it probably only pushes her panic button after a minute or so! THANK YOU!

 

[Wheekie]

So she lets you pet her but not pick her up and/or put her on your lap? Is that where we are at, or you can't pet her despite her closeness?

Picking up is one of those things that not all cats like, and it can be tough to get there once they are older. The lap is easier in a a way, but still hard, as they need to come to you. You can't generally force a cat to like the lap, and putting them there if they don't like it is counter-productive. But you can scheme to map out a course from wherever you are at to lap cat. Just tell as a bit more about what interactions you have when and where.

 

[Wheekie]

She lets me pick her up...lets me hold her for about a MINUTE! She only wants to be close on her terms!
She follows me around, even sleeps with me! Wants to always be close...just no touching unless she wants it!
Its just that my other cat is so lovey dovey...always on my lap...I did not want her to feel second best. I do not want her to think I love her sister MORE!

 

[Wheekie]

Its a personality trait. I have one cat I can carry around the house and he is pleased just to sit in my arms. Our newest one doesn't mind being picked up too much, but I cannot walk with her (and sometimes picking up is a little much). Our third, a former feral, will not tolerate being picked up but at times will let you pet the hair off of him.

If you want to progress with the holding, when you feel her stiffen up, hold her for an extra second or two then let her go. If you try to force her to be held, she will resist and be scared. She will feel trapped like she can't get away. If she knows she can leave when she wants, she will be more comfortable.

It sounds like your girl is 90% of the way to where you want her - you seem to be doing fine so enjoy what you've got.

 

[Wheekie]

I do let her go when I feel her get tense. I would never restrain her.
But my other cat is so lovey...constantly on my lap. I did not want this kitty to feel unloved! But you're right...a personality trait!

Its a personality trait. I have one cat I can carry around the house and he is pleased just to sit in my arms. Our newest one doesn't mind being picked up too much, but I cannot walk with her (and sometimes picking up is a little much). Our third, a former feral, will not tolerate being picked up but at times will let you pet the hair off of him.

If you want to progress with the holding, when you feel her stiffen up, hold her for an extra second or two then let her go. If you try to force her to be held, she will resist and be scared. She will feel trapped like she can't get away. If she knows she can leave when she wants, she will be more comfortable.

It sounds like your girl is 90% of the way to where you want her - you seem to be doing fine so enjoy what you've got.

 

[Wheekie]

I do let her go when I feel her get tense. I would never restrain her.
But my other cat is so lovey...constantly on my lap. I did not want this kitty to feel unloved! But you're right...a personality trait!

 

[ArtNJ]

She lets me pick her up...lets me hold her for about a MINUTE! She only wants to be close on her terms!
She follows me around, even sleeps with me! Wants to always be close...just no touching unless she wants it!
Its just that my other cat is so lovey dovey...always on my lap...I did not want her to feel second best. I do not want her to think I love her sister MORE!

Ok, well in this situation I'm going to do my usual thing and compare this to courting a reluctant person. What do you do? You don't get more physical than they want. You figure out what they like, and you do that. So they like being close. Good, invite them to be close with a call noise, tapping where they come up, and/or moving a basket or blanket so they can be comfy. Is there a time or place when they like to be petted? When sleepy? When you are sitting on couch watching tv? In bed reading? If there is a place, I again say invite them to come to that place when it isn't the exact time they usually do, with a call noise and/or by tapping. Then once those cues are set up, you can try inviting them to a similar place using the same cues. Then you can use those cues to expand to a slightly different situation.

Cues work. For example, I had a rescued stray that one of the first situations she would approach was to crawl on my chest when I was in bed. I started inviting her to do that with a call noise and by tapping my chest, then ported that to the couch. I feel like doing that sort of gradual expansion helps build the overall trust level -- at that point, I had cues I could use to signal her that I was willing to pet her in different situations. Years later, she trusts me completely, and I laid down to stretch on the floor for a run . . . she startled the heck out of me by climbing on my chest lol.

 

[Silver Crazy]

Ok, well in this situation I'm going to do my usual thing and compare this to courting a reluctant person. What do you do? You don't get more physical than they want. You figure out what they like, and you do that. So they like being close. Good, invite them to be close with a call noise, tapping where they come up, and/or moving a basket or blanket so they can be comfy. Is there a time or place when they like to be petted? When sleepy? When you are sitting on couch watching tv? In bed reading? If there is a place, I again say invite them to come to that place when it isn't the exact time they usually do, with a call noise and/or by tapping. Then once those cues are set up, you can try inviting them to a similar place using the same cues. Then you can use those cues to expand to a slightly different situation.

Cues work. For example, I had a rescued stray that one of the first situations she would approach was to crawl on my chest when I was in bed. I started inviting her to do that with a call noise and by tapping my chest, then ported that to the couch. I feel like doing that sort of gradual expansion helps build the overall trust level -- at that point, I had cues I could use to signal her that I was willing to pet her in different situations. Years later, she trusts me completely, and I laid down to stretch on the floor for a run . . . she startled the heck out of me by climbing on my chest lol.

I like the analogy...very well said
Tell us how it progresses Wheekie