Waiting Until End Of Summer To Decide To Rehome Or Not - Thoughts?

[Rose12]

Hi everyone. It has been another long day. I made an older post about my cat’s behaviour problem, where she has been peeing and pooping both inside and outside of the box, at random, at any part of the home, at any hour of the day or night, ever since we got her, 5 years ago as a kitten. On and off, always. She is healthy, has had several intense full-on check ups, tests, swab culture analyses - I can’t even list it all. It’s been years of this. She is a super happy cat, physically fit, friendly, sweet, fully vaccinated, spayed, playful, and happily follows us around. Basically, she is a perfect cat besides her severe elimination problem. It is an extremely overwhelming and frustrating struggle to constantly be scrubbing away, and always in fear of a guest stepping in her poop/pee, or to bolt awake at 4am to any scratching sound out of panic that she’s about to relieve herself somewhere random again. I have spent countless nights over the years stressing over this, sometimes crying, especially when she has peed in my room just before I go out or something. It has taken over my life and even though I originally adopted her to help with my depression (and of course for my love of cats), she has ended up putting me in those depressive states herself.

I have tried it all, honestly, except the probiotic suggestion which I will be trying soon, though doubt it will help her as she doesn’t have digestive issues. So other than that possibility of success, I have come to the conclusion that this is just the way my cat is. While I love her, I have been losing my mind, on top of already not having very good mental health to begin with. I cannot do this. I tried for years and unfortunately this happens to be the lowest point in my life to where I even almost accidentally lost my life. I cannot keep up with this anymore. I have subconsciously began to associate my cat with resentment. In the past, I was way too selfish to rehome her because I believed that nobody else would be able to take care of her like I do. However, as mentioned, I have been losing my mind. At the same time, I can never abandon her in the wilderness or put her to sleep. She deserves a good life for sure.

I researched a lot and finally ended up finding a small town (10k population) some 6 hours away which has a giant no-kill, volunteer-run cat center&farm-field feel (no horses or anything like that, just the kitties and the big indoor facility and outdoor area) with endless fundraisers, support, donations, community/town events to support them, a thriving facebook page, and even a program for pets with elimination issues that if it is unmanageable they will help that animal become a barn cat or indoor-outdoor pet so they don’t end up abandoned or killed by some other owner if they get adopted. The owner would also know what history the animal has, unlike me with the brand new kitten at the time. The place also posts a lot of updates on their FB page so you can always see how the cats are doing. They get to roam, as well as have the indoor facility of course. They remain there until they pass, or until they are adopted. I had a conversation over the phone with the organization with many questions, and they were really strong in their belief of never euthanizing an animal unless it is suffering from a disease which harms its quality of life for example. They also have a high adoption rate in the town - I can see the adoptions on their FB page with the adopters’ comments. The tight-knit town gives me a good feeling, to be honest.

I am NOT thrilled or anything about rehoming, but I do believe she would be genuinely loved there with no resentment, and receive a lot of patience from their program. I have decided to sponsor her there as well if I go through with surrendering her.

I have never been in this situation before, and I am sure it will hurt like hell if I do this. However, I have also been hurting like hell over this for years, but especially this year with every other obstacle I am facing, and I need to make sure my mind gets to a good place too. In addition, my mom has anger issues and there is always screaming in the house every other day. I just believe that in the end, this will be the right decision for both kitty and I, if I choose it. I know the situation is totally not comparable, but I can’t help but to be reminded of when my mom was depressed and ill enough that I had to be taken away to live at a foster home as a kid for a long time. Yeah, it was not easy, but in the end, it was the right thing to do. Or at least, it was the better option for the both of us.

However, I would like to hear some opinions. After all, I have not done something like this ever before. Any more questions I should ask the organization? If my cat doesn’t get better, the only conclusion I see at this point in time, is either her being at the shelter, or, me spiralling further into an even deeper state of stress. I want to spend the rest of the summer really thinking about this. Any thoughts? And yeah, I feel terrible. Have been for years. This is a very difficult time and a breaking point for me.

 

[white shadow]

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Hi Rose!

I read through everything you wrote in your earlier posts, but in this one, you've included some new information that leads me to believe you should pursue this idea. I think it may be the best possible resolution for both your cat and yourself.

Frankly, my deep-down sense, my 'gut feeling', is that, once she is removed from her current environment, her inappropriate elimination issue will likely resolve.

To optimize her opportunities for successful eventual placement, the staff at this rescue center will need to understand the household dynamics she's experienced for the time she's been with you. Yes, all the medical history and interventions you've been through are important information, but, the social environment information you've shared in this post needs to be understood clearly by those folks. You'll need to be as candid with them as you have been right here.

I don't think there will be any escaping your feeling badly. I think that's an inevitable part of the only possible solution. Guilt should not be part of this, though. It doesn't belong in here. No one did anything wrong. There is no blame to be assigned. You will miss her in some ways. You may wonder or worry about her adjusting, that's to be expected. As you move forward, be in touch with your feelings and give any guilt the 'boot'.

So, summing it up.......yes, for both your sakes, move ahead with it!

[Rather than setting out "the rest of the summer" for pondering on this, you might consider getting back in touch with the shelter and firming up an admission date for her. Do they have a waiting list?]
.

 

[Rose12]

This teared me up, I really didn’t expect this. Thank you for your compassion. I was so scared of getting hated or something like that, but decided I still needed to hear opinions.

Yes, I will let the organization know absolutely everything about her, especially since it will be so important when they are helping her out in their program.

Luckily, that town is small but the center is huge, so they have plenty of space and no waiting time. My mom doesn’t want to let go of my cat and wants to keep trying out things, but I know she’s exhausted too from all this and that it won’t be long before it also becomes too much for her as well.

I just regret having adopted such a sweet cat, bonding with her, and now being in this position. My cat is just an innocent animal, in the end nothing is her fault. I feel almost cruel, but I know I didn’t and don’t want this. I tried really hard.

 

[Rose12]

Update: mom has now also agreed about this. This is all a bit shocking for me and very hard. Pretty much a permanent loss that will hurt so much.

Thank you for the support. I came to this forum at my breaking point and even after this decision, did not receive hate or any attacks. I hope the rest of the process will not be too heartbreaking.

 

[Lisannez]

My best friend had to rehome her puppy a Boston Terrier just a few months ago. She was so devastated at the time, but now looking back she knows she made the right decision not just for her family but for her dog. She found a rescue and they even kept her up to date on his progress. The dog was aggressive with females, and no matter the amount of training she just could not get a handle on it. The dog was clearly unhappy and so was she. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions with our pets, and if our home is not the best place for them to be then the most loving thing to do is to rehome the pet. Best of luck to you.

 

[Rose12]

My best friend had to rehome her puppy a Boston Terrier just a few months ago. She was so devastated at the time, but now looking back she knows she made the right decision not just for her family but for her dog. She found a rescue and they even kept her up to date on his progress. The dog was aggressive with females, and no matter the amount of training she just could not get a handle on it. The dog was clearly unhappy and so was she. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions with our pets, and if our home is not the best place for them to be then the most loving thing to do is to rehome the pet. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for sharing I am packing her belongings and am sad whenever I look at her, but I know it is for the best. I cannot even believe this is really happening, but hopefully everything goes well.

 

[vyger]

Just a suggestion --- You could think of it as more of a trade and make a plan to bring home one of the other cats that is there. A lot of older cats need homes since people often want young kittens. There was just another thread about someone looking for a home for 2 older cats in California whose owner suddenly died. The cats were a bonded pair and needed to really be adopted together. Kind of a good thing I don't live in Calif or I might be running a cat emporium by now. Anyway an older more mature and quieter cat might give you a lot of peace of mind. One of my cats who is now older has decided to often sleep on my pillow. She just decided it was her thing, so she wraps herself around my head and gently purrs at night. Not a normal thing for a cat to do but it is much appreciated. I don't think I could have ever trained her to do it and none of my others have ever done it. Maybe she just likes the extra heat now, I don't know, but she only started doing it after she reached 9. So anyway, think about it, there is probably a better match for you out there and it's likely not a kitten.

 

[di and bob]

I know this is not easy for you, and I wanted to tell you I understand. There will be guilt and grief after you come home too without her, so I hope you can prepare yourself for it. I have had to surrender a few cats too, myself. Just recently a four week old that lost it's mom. I have had so much death and grief in my life, (two more strays in the last two weeks that people have abandoned), I just wasn't prepared at all to handle the care this precious baby deserved. i will always remember her though, and you will too. All the best to you and please come back if you need support......

 

[Maria Bayote]

We probably have our own piece of guilt we carry in our hearts. Based from your story you have made all efforts to ensure she would go in a safe environment, and where her issues will be dealt with. You can check on her from time to time. And maybe, as one poster commented, her improper elimination issues may go away once she is no longer in your home or in her current environment.

I have had my share of breaking point, so I understand. The guilt may be there for a long time, but know that what you do is for the both of you. I hope you find peace and not blame yourself. Even in human relationships, some really do not work no matter how hard both parties try.

Sending pawsitivity your way.

 

[MissClouseau]

I read your post here and a bit of the one before this and honestly to me it sounds like Rose needs to be an indoor-outdoor cat. This is an unpopular opinion in the USA I think but, cats' natural habitat isn't "indoor-only." While some adjust and even prefer an indoor-only life, not all can and there may not be anything to do other than respecting their wish. And sometimes it requires rehoming the cat.

Anecdotal but: Hima grew up as a stray and still to this date she goes outside for pee/poop AND she never uses the same spots in the yard in a short time. If she peed on spot 1, she goes to spot 8 the next and will go back to spot 1 maybe a month later the earliest. I read somewhere (some) cats do that in the wild to not leave tracks so predators can't follow them. I'm thinking if a cat held this instinct too much, litter boxes may not work. Especially if they are always on the same locations.

There is a similar problem with introvert-extrovert cats I think. A friend of mine had to rehome one of the cats because he was terrorizing the other two although they are from the same litter and grew up together. He just wanted to be the only cat and that was a requirement in his re-adoption process.

Anyway, I'm more on the 'nurture' on the nature vs nurture argument but there is also nature. There are things we cannot always change no matter how much we try with training unfortunately.

I hope both you and Rose find happiness and peace.

 

[Lisannez]

We probably have our own piece of guilt we carry in our hearts. Based from your story you have made all efforts to ensure she would go in a safe environment, and where her issues will be dealt with. You can check on her from time to time. And maybe, as one poster commented, her improper elimination issues may go away once she is no longer in your home or in her current environment.

I have had my share of breaking point, so I understand. The guilt may be there for a long time, but know that what you do is for the both of you. I hope you find peace and not blame yourself. Even in human relationships, some really do not work no matter how hard both parties try.

Sending pawsitivity your way.

I think guilt is normal because we feel like we should have been able to do more to help the cat or get the behavior changed. But much of the time it’s truly beyond our control which is a hard pill to swallow. We like to think we are in control of how things happen but we cannot control it all. If you have tried your best that’s all you can do. And in my opinion if you truly love the animal you want what is best for the animal even if it rips your own heart to shreds.

 

[Rose12]

Just a suggestion --- You could think of it as more of a trade and make a plan to bring home one of the other cats that is there. A lot of older cats need homes since people often want young kittens. There was just another thread about someone looking for a home for 2 older cats in California whose owner suddenly died. The cats were a bonded pair and needed to really be adopted together. Kind of a good thing I don't live in Calif or I might be running a cat emporium by now. Anyway an older more mature and quieter cat might give you a lot of peace of mind. One of my cats who is now older has decided to often sleep on my pillow. She just decided it was her thing, so she wraps herself around my head and gently purrs at night. Not a normal thing for a cat to do but it is much appreciated. I don't think I could have ever trained her to do it and none of my others have ever done it. Maybe she just likes the extra heat now, I don't know, but she only started doing it after she reached 9. So anyway, think about it, there is probably a better match for you out there and it's likely not a kitten.

Thanks for sharing that idea with me! At the moment, I am completely overwhelmed and cannot even imagine if another cat got some behavioural changes/issues after moving to a new environment/my home. I will think about this for a long while and consider it in the future. I am also considering volunteering for foster programs we have here for homeless cats - that way there is no permanent commitment if something becomes overwhelming, but if the cat suits my home well then I can end up keeping them

I know this is not easy for you, and I wanted to tell you I understand. There will be guilt and grief after you come home too without her, so I hope you can prepare yourself for it. I have had to surrender a few cats too, myself. Just recently a four week old that lost it's mom. I have had so much death and grief in my life, (two more strays in the last two weeks that people have abandoned), I just wasn't prepared at all to handle the care this precious baby deserved. i will always remember her though, and you will too. All the best to you and please come back if you need support......

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear of all of those losses. That must be incredibly hard to heal from. I completely understand the "wasn't prepared" part - I really wish I was more aware of the possibilities of things going wrong or becoming hard with a kitten. It has been a very tough journey but I do love her so much, and will probably cry a lot when she is gone from me. I can already see that happening, but will try hard to prepare myself. Thank you so much for sharing.

We probably have our own piece of guilt we carry in our hearts. Based from your story you have made all efforts to ensure she would go in a safe environment, and where her issues will be dealt with. You can check on her from time to time. And maybe, as one poster commented, her improper elimination issues may go away once she is no longer in your home or in her current environment.

I have had my share of breaking point, so I understand. The guilt may be there for a long time, but know that what you do is for the both of you. I hope you find peace and not blame yourself. Even in human relationships, some really do not work no matter how hard both parties try.

Sending pawsitivity your way.

Yes! I am absolutely thrilled that the organization also specifically deals with cats who have elimination issues, on top of being a no-kill place (confirmed). That is just the best news I could have heard, because it was always my fear that my lovely cat would end up abandoned or euthanized. But instead, she will be cared for, for her whole life and I never have to worry about her suffering. It will take plenty of hours of driving to reach this place, but it is so worth it. And yes, if her elimination goes away in the new environment - even better!

Thank you lots. I am so happy to remember that I am not the only one going through something like this, that these things can really happen to anybody.

I read your post here and a bit of the one before this and honestly to me it sounds like Rose needs to be an indoor-outdoor cat. This is an unpopular opinion in the USA I think but, cats' natural habitat isn't "indoor-only." While some adjust and even prefer an indoor-only life, not all can and there may not be anything to do other than respecting their wish. And sometimes it requires rehoming the cat.

Anecdotal but: Hima grew up as a stray and still to this date she goes outside for pee/poop AND she never uses the same spots in the yard in a short time. If she peed on spot 1, she goes to spot 8 the next and will go back to spot 1 maybe a month later the earliest. I read somewhere (some) cats do that in the wild to not leave tracks so predators can't follow them. I'm thinking if a cat held this instinct too much, litter boxes may not work. Especially if they are always on the same locations.

There is a similar problem with introvert-extrovert cats I think. A friend of mine had to rehome one of the cats because he was terrorizing the other two although they are from the same litter and grew up together. He just wanted to be the only cat and that was a requirement in his re-adoption process.

Anyway, I'm more on the 'nurture' on the nature vs nurture argument but there is also nature. There are things we cannot always change no matter how much we try with training unfortunately.

I hope both you and Rose find happiness and peace.

Really interesting point of view, I have never thought about it in this way. Thanks for sharing that with me! I was heavily considering having my cat Rose become an outdoor cat or to at least have the outdoors available (she loves to run around, explore and be free), but where I live way up north, it is -40 degrees for the majority of the year, covered with hypothermia-inducing winds, frost, blizzards and endless snow. Therefore, Rose could only have the outdoors for just a few months, and then the rest would be back to the indoor life. I just didn't see a point in that. I wish I lived somewhere warm

The good thing is, that where I am going to be taking her is many hours down south and so the weather is a lot kinder. The program they have there helps cats with elimination issues adapt to an indoor-outdoor lifestyle rather than to be abandoned or killed. I hope she gets better but if not, I am sure she will integrate just fine!

I think guilt is normal because we feel like we should have been able to do more to help the cat or get the behavior changed. But much of the time it’s truly beyond our control which is a hard pill to swallow. We like to think we are in control of how things happen but we cannot control it all. If you have tried your best that’s all you can do. And in my opinion if you truly love the animal you want what is best for the animal even if it rips your own heart to shreds.

Wow, that last line says it all. Exactly my thoughts. I am 100% breaking my own heart by doing this. I know, I can stop this process right now and keep my cat, but I also know that she is not living a very comfortable life due to eliminating everywhere in a small enclosed home and causing all kinds of stress for everyone and herself as well. I can really see her doing much better in the new environment. I will be visiting her for sure. Thank you.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I am so sorry it has come to this, but you have found a wonderful place for her, haven't you? It happens. And you tried SO hard. Sweetie, all we can do is all we can do, and you have done that. I know your heart is breaking, but I support your decision, and your determination to find a place where she will be safe and loved. Move ahead, knowing you have done what is best for you and for HER, in your particular situation. We support you. And her.

 

[Rose12]

I am so sorry it has come to this, but you have found a wonderful place for her, haven't you? It happens. And you tried SO hard. Sweetie, all we can do is all we can do, and you have done that. I know your heart is breaking, but I support your decision, and your determination to find a place where she will be safe and loved. Move ahead, knowing you have done what is best for you and for HER, in your particular situation. We support you. And her.

Thank you so much. These past couple of days I have felt like throwing up from anxiety about this, and yesterday I cried. I cannot imagine life anymore without her, but I do know this decision is definitely for the best. Tomorrow is the day that it'll all happen. I am doing my best to not feel worse.

I really appreciate the support. ♡

 

[Stinky15]

Thank you so much. These past couple of days I have felt like throwing up from anxiety about this, and yesterday I cried. I cannot imagine life anymore without her, but I do know this decision is definitely for the best. Tomorrow is the day that it'll all happen. I am doing my best to not feel worse.

I really appreciate the support. ♡

I think you are doing the right thing for you and her.

 

[nurseangel]

I want to say how much I appreciate you for caring so much. I know it is an agonizing decision for you and I wish you well.

 

[Rose12]

I think you are doing the right thing for you and her.

I want to say how much I appreciate you for caring so much. I know it is an agonizing decision for you and I wish you well.

Thanks a bunch you guys. Definitely an agonizing decision, and the most impactful one I have ever made so far. I have packed up plenty of bags with all of her favourite toys, foods, blankets etc. and it reminds me of just how spoiled and loved she has always been with me. I did my very best, no matter what obstacle was thrown my way over the years. I am sure I will be crying lots more tomorrow, but with all of my heart, I do believe she will be much happier at the new place.

Still cannot believe all of the support from this forum. It means so much and I would be a much bigger mess without it!

 

[Rose12]

So I am back home now from the long drive, it really took all day. As I had guessed, I just keep crying. I apologized so much to my cat and hugged her lots before leaving her. I feel so, so guilty. Like a cruel, terrible person. I hope this feeling will leave me soon

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I'm hugging you SO HARD right now! Just remember...you are NOT cruel! She had issues that you could not handle or live with. To keep her, and to grow to resent her as much as you love her, would have been, in the long run, far, far more cruel that taking her to a place where she will be loved and cared for so very well.

 

[Rose12]

I'm hugging you SO HARD right now! Just remember...you are NOT cruel! She had issues that you could not handle or live with. To keep her, and to grow to resent her as much as you love her, would have been, in the long run, far, far more cruel that taking her to a place where she will be loved and cared for so very well.

Thank you! This made me feel better. It’s the second morning without my cat and once again I’m waking up to an aching body with tears. This is just absolute heartbreak, though I know it was the right choice. I guess the hardest part which kills me is wondering if she’s thinking of me/her life with me and wondering what happened... I just can’t stop crying at the thought of that. She loved being on me and I always hugged her so much, etc. It’s so, so devastating to think of her potentially wondering about why she is where she is...