I'm just wondering if my coping is acceptable or healthy and what I can do to help myself through this. He passed on the first of this month. Rushed him to the ER as he was dying and he ended up passing away a couple hours into them trying to raise his blood sugar, blood pressure, stabilize sepsis, treat his failing liver and more. I can not unhear his cries that morning as I rushed him to the vet. My husband drove and Morton was on my lap, I knew he was passing and I just kept telling him mama loves you it's okay to go. And petting him. I hope he truly knew I was trying to help like the dozens of times I've taken him to get help. We live a half hour from the er. When we got there they seemed to have gotten his sugar up a little bit and he was a bit more alert. They placed a central line to administer antibiotics for the sepsis. They told us we could go on home and they would update constantly. About an hour or less after we got home they told us his heart stopped, they did CPR and brought him back for a few and it stopped for the final time. We rushed back and I held him for a good hour. I didn't want to let him go. I kissed him, cuddled him, talked to him. I hope somehow even though he passed he knows. I see flashbacks of him lifeless in my arms and I hear his cries constantly.
I have severe PTSD from this. Every single night for almost 3 weeks I am bawling. I'm sleeping around 5 or 6 am instead of 3 at the latest. During the day I break down. I've lost many pets before but this loss has ruined me.
I took care of him since day one as a foster of 4 weeks. He developed very slowly and slower than his siblings. My cat Lucky hates kittens but he sort of picked Morton to groom and hang around as Morton often would sit by himself while his siblings played. He was the last to finally gain 2lbs to get neutered. Before that he got vaccines and him and his brother got so so sick from them. They temporarily recovered but his brother ended up dying a couple months after he got to his forever home. Morton developed ITP a month after I adopted him. The next 2 years was me doing all I could day in and day out to make sure he was okay spending about 30k dollars saving his life a couple of times. He ended up with diabetes from a medication and it turned into his first bout of sepsis with dka and pancreatitis. since then about 1.5 years ago he got chronic pancreatitis nearly monthly. I think this last flare was all his body could handle and he was gone. It wasn't peaceful
He seemed to be perking up the 31st of dec ... until the fireworks started. They sound like dynamite here. He spiraled and I assumed he was just severely stressed and I was with him and put him in my closet with several movies back to back playing. He ended up back on the bed when I went to bed around 4am new years day and he was cleaning himself a little bit and purring so I thought okay for sure ER or vet tomorrow we need to get tests going but for now you s comfortable. Just a few hours later it was too late. I feel if I took him in the evening before it possibly would have bought him some more time or maybe just time away from his precious home he loved to be at. He developed ascites with his pancreatitis flare in july and I was reading when they develop that it's usually end stage at whatever caused it... he got ascites again in a September flare. I think deep down I knew the end was coming and in my head from July I thought "ok well prognosis is usually poor but if he can pass 6 months and be okay then maybe he has a shot at beating this and it was just a fluke" the 6 months was when he passed.
he was my heart and soul. He was the reason I got out of bed every day to medicate and make sure he was happy and eeating. I was HIS heart and soul.
I'm not sure but I think he might have been saying goodbye to me last month. He always came to bed with me usually stepping on me right as i started falling asleep but this time was different. He sat on my chest and was staring very intently into my eyes. Very intently for minutes. It felt like forever. He kept kneeling down to kiss my chin and lip and he was purring so loud. So loud. And he kept staring at me and it was such a bizarre and tender moment he made for us I began crying. He's never done something so specific like that. he's had moods where he snuggles into my neck under my chin and had his phases on and off of having to cuddle me nightly but this was different.
I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to distract myself and keep myself from bawling my eyes out every single night for hours before bed. If I'm on my phone I'm distracted but the moment I put it down it happens. His ashes should be ready this week too. I have his hap clippings and whiskers tied in ribbon I asked for. He was seriously my heart. He wanted me and only me. He wanted to be swung over my shoulder all the time, he wanted to hold my finger with his paw while holding him. He was my soulmate in a cat form
also my cat Lucky is still looking for him and I just dont know what to do
I have severe PTSD from this. Every single night for almost 3 weeks I am bawling. I'm sleeping around 5 or 6 am instead of 3 at the latest. During the day I break down. I've lost many pets before but this loss has ruined me.
I took care of him since day one as a foster of 4 weeks. He developed very slowly and slower than his siblings. My cat Lucky hates kittens but he sort of picked Morton to groom and hang around as Morton often would sit by himself while his siblings played. He was the last to finally gain 2lbs to get neutered. Before that he got vaccines and him and his brother got so so sick from them. They temporarily recovered but his brother ended up dying a couple months after he got to his forever home. Morton developed ITP a month after I adopted him. The next 2 years was me doing all I could day in and day out to make sure he was okay spending about 30k dollars saving his life a couple of times. He ended up with diabetes from a medication and it turned into his first bout of sepsis with dka and pancreatitis. since then about 1.5 years ago he got chronic pancreatitis nearly monthly. I think this last flare was all his body could handle and he was gone. It wasn't peaceful
He seemed to be perking up the 31st of dec ... until the fireworks started. They sound like dynamite here. He spiraled and I assumed he was just severely stressed and I was with him and put him in my closet with several movies back to back playing. He ended up back on the bed when I went to bed around 4am new years day and he was cleaning himself a little bit and purring so I thought okay for sure ER or vet tomorrow we need to get tests going but for now you s comfortable. Just a few hours later it was too late. I feel if I took him in the evening before it possibly would have bought him some more time or maybe just time away from his precious home he loved to be at. He developed ascites with his pancreatitis flare in july and I was reading when they develop that it's usually end stage at whatever caused it... he got ascites again in a September flare. I think deep down I knew the end was coming and in my head from July I thought "ok well prognosis is usually poor but if he can pass 6 months and be okay then maybe he has a shot at beating this and it was just a fluke" the 6 months was when he passed.
he was my heart and soul. He was the reason I got out of bed every day to medicate and make sure he was happy and eeating. I was HIS heart and soul.
I'm not sure but I think he might have been saying goodbye to me last month. He always came to bed with me usually stepping on me right as i started falling asleep but this time was different. He sat on my chest and was staring very intently into my eyes. Very intently for minutes. It felt like forever. He kept kneeling down to kiss my chin and lip and he was purring so loud. So loud. And he kept staring at me and it was such a bizarre and tender moment he made for us I began crying. He's never done something so specific like that. he's had moods where he snuggles into my neck under my chin and had his phases on and off of having to cuddle me nightly but this was different.
I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to distract myself and keep myself from bawling my eyes out every single night for hours before bed. If I'm on my phone I'm distracted but the moment I put it down it happens. His ashes should be ready this week too. I have his hap clippings and whiskers tied in ribbon I asked for. He was seriously my heart. He wanted me and only me. He wanted to be swung over my shoulder all the time, he wanted to hold my finger with his paw while holding him. He was my soulmate in a cat form
also my cat Lucky is still looking for him and I just dont know what to do