Very long Morton passing post.. not even 3 years old

Ladyrosee

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I'm just wondering if my coping is acceptable or healthy and what I can do to help myself through this. He passed on the first of this month. Rushed him to the ER as he was dying and he ended up passing away a couple hours into them trying to raise his blood sugar, blood pressure, stabilize sepsis, treat his failing liver and more. I can not unhear his cries that morning as I rushed him to the vet. My husband drove and Morton was on my lap, I knew he was passing and I just kept telling him mama loves you it's okay to go. And petting him. I hope he truly knew I was trying to help like the dozens of times I've taken him to get help. We live a half hour from the er. When we got there they seemed to have gotten his sugar up a little bit and he was a bit more alert. They placed a central line to administer antibiotics for the sepsis. They told us we could go on home and they would update constantly. About an hour or less after we got home they told us his heart stopped, they did CPR and brought him back for a few and it stopped for the final time. We rushed back and I held him for a good hour. I didn't want to let him go. I kissed him, cuddled him, talked to him. I hope somehow even though he passed he knows. I see flashbacks of him lifeless in my arms and I hear his cries constantly.

I have severe PTSD from this. Every single night for almost 3 weeks I am bawling. I'm sleeping around 5 or 6 am instead of 3 at the latest. During the day I break down. I've lost many pets before but this loss has ruined me.

I took care of him since day one as a foster of 4 weeks. He developed very slowly and slower than his siblings. My cat Lucky hates kittens but he sort of picked Morton to groom and hang around as Morton often would sit by himself while his siblings played. He was the last to finally gain 2lbs to get neutered. Before that he got vaccines and him and his brother got so so sick from them. They temporarily recovered but his brother ended up dying a couple months after he got to his forever home. Morton developed ITP a month after I adopted him. The next 2 years was me doing all I could day in and day out to make sure he was okay spending about 30k dollars saving his life a couple of times. He ended up with diabetes from a medication and it turned into his first bout of sepsis with dka and pancreatitis. since then about 1.5 years ago he got chronic pancreatitis nearly monthly. I think this last flare was all his body could handle and he was gone. It wasn't peaceful

He seemed to be perking up the 31st of dec ... until the fireworks started. They sound like dynamite here. He spiraled and I assumed he was just severely stressed and I was with him and put him in my closet with several movies back to back playing. He ended up back on the bed when I went to bed around 4am new years day and he was cleaning himself a little bit and purring so I thought okay for sure ER or vet tomorrow we need to get tests going but for now you s comfortable. Just a few hours later it was too late. I feel if I took him in the evening before it possibly would have bought him some more time or maybe just time away from his precious home he loved to be at. He developed ascites with his pancreatitis flare in july and I was reading when they develop that it's usually end stage at whatever caused it... he got ascites again in a September flare. I think deep down I knew the end was coming and in my head from July I thought "ok well prognosis is usually poor but if he can pass 6 months and be okay then maybe he has a shot at beating this and it was just a fluke" the 6 months was when he passed.

he was my heart and soul. He was the reason I got out of bed every day to medicate and make sure he was happy and eeating. I was HIS heart and soul.

I'm not sure but I think he might have been saying goodbye to me last month. He always came to bed with me usually stepping on me right as i started falling asleep but this time was different. He sat on my chest and was staring very intently into my eyes. Very intently for minutes. It felt like forever. He kept kneeling down to kiss my chin and lip and he was purring so loud. So loud. And he kept staring at me and it was such a bizarre and tender moment he made for us I began crying. He's never done something so specific like that. he's had moods where he snuggles into my neck under my chin and had his phases on and off of having to cuddle me nightly but this was different.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to distract myself and keep myself from bawling my eyes out every single night for hours before bed. If I'm on my phone I'm distracted but the moment I put it down it happens. His ashes should be ready this week too. I have his hap clippings and whiskers tied in ribbon I asked for. He was seriously my heart. He wanted me and only me. He wanted to be swung over my shoulder all the time, he wanted to hold my finger with his paw while holding him. He was my soulmate in a cat form

also my cat Lucky is still looking for him and I just dont know what to do
 

zed xyzed

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Morton was so beautiful. I can only how strong a bond you two had as your tried to help him thrive from being a kitten. It is so unfair when they leave us at such a young age. Bless you for showing him love and showing him how important he was to you. I am so sorry for your loss
 

les26

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Oh wow, this was a tough one to read, so heart wrenching and sad but I understand exactly what you are saying and dealing with. And another Tuxedo gone, WAY too many on here lately, and as you can see the little guy in my picture is why I get so upset, plus Simon one who had passed May 2015. But I surely can understand the bond and the relationship that you had with him, raising him from so young until now, I truly get it. You did all that you could and MORE, not many would've spent or been able to spend that kind of money on him, but sadly sometimes no amount of money or vet care or love can keep them here, it sadly is just their time to go even though we don't want it to happen, but they must move on to the next life and you will meet again one day and it will be wonderful again.....

I have said this so many times but I say it so maybe it can help someone else but I was told years ago after Sebastian died in my arms after work one day that the herb Holy Basil helps you deal and adapt to stress, you know that it is still there but you can deal with it better. And the homeopathic pills Ignatia Amara help you deal with the grief, loss and trauma; they are not drugs, they are more natural and can help you without the drug side effects. Google them and you can see more about them.

I am so sorry that you lost that gorgeous Tuxedo, he is fine now, just fine, and when you meet again one day he will say "THANK YOU for taking such good care of me!" and it will be tears of joy, not sadness and pain....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 

will2002

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For every living thing on this planet there is a time to be born, and a time to pass. Morton's time here was short, and filled with health problems. You gave him time here that he would of never had if most any other human would of been his keeper. He knows you loved him very much!

I have lost many cats, both old and young in my 68 years on this old rock, and it never is an easy situation to cope with! Mostly...It takes TIME, a lot of time! I hope you can find peace just knowing that you did your very best for Morton. He will live, and love forever in your heart!... God bless both of you.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Morton, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

This is the deepest Truth I know...love never dies, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. Morton's love for you, now translated and purified into Love, is with you still. Because Love abides, always, forever Love abides. You may not, while your grief is so raw, feel it, but it is there. And Morton, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, blesses you for every moment of his short life, where he lived, breathed and had his being wrapped in your love for him.
 

di and bob

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Morton was your soul mate. Please try to take comfort in the fact that you gave him what he wanted most in this world, to have someone care for him and love him., to have someone to love......
With his brother dying at a young age too, it sounds like he may have had some genetic problems going on, you gave him almost three years that he would not have had. The one thing you have to remember is that he loved you above all else, he would NEVER want to be the one to bring you such pain and grief. As you would want for him if you were the first to go, so he wants for you, because that is love. He wants you to go on in life, to live and love again because he now lives on through you. His love will always be there, it is a part of your very soul. Though there is a hole there now, over time you will fill that hole and time will bring you a dulling of the horrific pain you are feeling right now. You are very early in your grieving, it takes at least two years before you can learn ways to cope, to handle your grief. You never get over something like this, you learn ways to cope, to work through it. We are here to let you know, it DOES get better, we understand the anguish you are feeling and empathize with you. Your love for that little boy is personal, is yours alone. No one else in the world can feel about him as you do. That love can never be replaced, but it can be added on to, allowed to grow even stronger with time and more love, and this allows you to grow stronger too. Do not let his death be more important than his life. That can never be, his love is one of the most important times in your life's journey, do not let grief rule your world and turn that into something painful.
You have shared your life's journey with a wonderful little boy. You allowed him to enjoy that life much more than he would have, he will always thank you for that. He now follows another path, but his journey will continue to parallel your own, he will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Your love is bringing him peace right now, let his love fill your heart and bring you comfort in this time of mourning.
My heart cries for your pain, take care of, and be gentle with yourself. Keep distracted with whatever you can find, that sorrow will be there as you gain strength to fight it, and that takes time, lots of time.......RIP precious Morton. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!
 
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Ladyrosee

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Morton was your soul mate. Please try to take comfort in the fact that you gave him what he wanted most in this world, to have someone care for him and love him., to have someone to love......
With his brother dying at a young age too, it sounds like he may have had some genetic problems going on, you gave him almost three years that he would not have had. The one thing you have to remember is that he loved you above all else, he would NEVER want to be the one to bring you such pain and grief. As you would want for him if you were the first to go, so he wants for you, because that is love. He wants you to go on in life, to live and love again because he now lives on through you. His love will always be there, it is a part of your very soul. Though there is a hole there now, over time you will fill that hole and time will bring you a dulling of the horrific pain you are feeling right now. You are very early in your grieving, it takes at least two years before you can learn ways to cope, to handle your grief. You never get over something like this, you learn ways to cope, to work through it. We are here to let you know, it DOES get better, we understand the anguish you are feeling and empathize with you. Your love for that little boy is personal, is yours alone. No one else in the world can feel about him as you do. That love can never be replaced, but it can be added on to, allowed to grow even stronger with time and more love, and this allows you to grow stronger too. Do not let his death be more important than his life. That can never be, his love is one of the most important times in your life's journey, do not let grief rule your world and turn that into something painful.
You have shared your life's journey with a wonderful little boy. You allowed him to enjoy that life much more than he would have, he will always thank you for that. He now follows another path, but his journey will continue to parallel your own, he will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Your love is bringing him peace right now, let his love fill your heart and bring you comfort in this time of mourning.
My heart cries for your pain, take care of, and be gentle with yourself. Keep distracted with whatever you can find, that sorrow will be there as you gain strength to fight it, and that takes time, lots of time.......RIP precious Morton. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

Thank you for understanding. I can't help but be drawn to the special ones but it's going to be time to get another special one as my only cat right now is very lonely and looking for him. He is only 11 but lost 2 best friends so far in his lifetime passing so young. Is it normal for me to worry thinking "what if Morton isnt dead or wasnt actually dead when they announced him dead?" I feel like I'm going crazy and I still don't believe hes dead I keep thinking he's stuck there and I have to save him. He hasnt visited me in my dreams yet. I've dreamed about him nightly but it's not a visitation one like I usually get with things I love passing. Maybe because hes been with me this whole time.. im not sure but I do hope one day soon he will come to me in my dream and let me know hes okay.

I sent in an adoption inquiry about a blind little sweet 1 year old kitty. I have to get back out there and help. I promised morton a kitten of his very own and I didnt get to when he was alive but I just hope he can somehow see the fun little kittens I have in the future. he adored kittens so much and adored my kitty Lucky
 

les26

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Is it normal for me to worry thinking "what if Morton isnt dead or wasnt actually dead when they announced him dead?" I feel like I'm going crazy and I still don't believe hes dead I keep thinking he's stuck there and I have to save him.
For some reason I felt the same way while I was holding Simon after the vet gave him the injection, I could feel his little body go limp but I remember asking him "is he gone? Are you sure that he's gone?" I don't exactly know why either, I guess I just didn't want them to make a "mistake", as strange as that sounds.

And I will never forget how that felt, his little body going limp after the life was drained out of him, I knew that he was sick and it had to be done but it was an awful feeling. But he is fine now and I know that his spirit still lives with us here as they all do :rbheart:
 

di and bob

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Your thoughts are all perfectly normal, it's grief bringing this up. when we buried my little girl I thought the same thing, what is she was just unconscious from the car, not really dead?! But that is grief talking, it took a while to build her little coffin and she was so cold....I remember crying when I looked out the window and saw it was snowing on my Chrissy's grave, she hated the cold so much........
 
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