Venting....

terestrife

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I almost forgot to come online and tell you all the good news!

I got hired for a new job! I will be working at another Miami Dade college campus. I will get a 4$ raise. :cloud9:

I had a good feeling during the interview. I had so many interviews that i actuality missed this interview. It was the 3rd interview with the campus president. Even with that mistake they still chose to hire me.

My current boss was so kind and told them that they would love me. I pray it's a job that i can do well. It is a big blessing.
 

terestrife

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I start my new job tomorrow. Not feeling so great. Having the cats in my room is messing with my breathing. Making me sneeze and have an itchy nose. I hope all the medicine i took works. Dont want to be stuck at work feeling bad. Since i cant miss. Took 3 benadryls plus the zyrtec this morning.

My old job would understand i have allergies, but who knows what my new job might think i have.

Anyway, in better news, i have lost a total of 25 lbs just from getting off the megestrol. In two more months i will have another biopsy just to be sure the abnormal cells havent come back. Im praying the weightloss can help me get off all my medications. But i still have a long way to go.
 

Lari

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Congrats on the weight loss!

Good luck with the new job and figuring out the allergies.
 

neely

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Congrats and kudos on all accounts, i.e. the new job which I'm sure you'll excel at and the weight loss which hopefully will let you decrease your meds. :grouphug2: Please keep us posted when you can about your new boss and job. I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything works out for you.:crossfingers::crossfingers:
 

terestrife

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Be very careful with the Benadryl - it can have a strong sedative effect.
lol believe me i know. Been dealing with allergies since i was a teen. I would fall asleep at school from the benedryl or the nyquil (sleeping helps.) I take it in the afternoon or the night. the zyrtec in the morning.

Congrats and kudos on all accounts, i.e. the new job which I'm sure you'll excel at and the weight loss which hopefully will let you decrease your meds. :grouphug2: Please keep us posted when you can about your new boss and job. I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything works out for you.:crossfingers::crossfingers:
My boss is very hands off. I barely got to see him today. He let me know to tell him if i felt overwhelmed so he could talk to my coworkers. The girl that is training me is very kind and patient. I am hopeful that things will go well.
 

terestrife

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I wasnt sure if i should post this. but i dont know if i am a good pet parent anymore. I am not even sure i am a good person anymore. I havent felt like myself since my mother passed away in 2016. And it got worse when i was put on hormones to fix the abnormal cells. I used to consider myself a big kid and always laughing. Sometimes i feel like i am acting the way i am supposed to. I just pretend that i am still myself. I am so angry all the time. Annoyed when my niece (who is like a daughter to me) wants to spend time with me. Annoyed with my family and myself.

There are moments that i feel like myself, but those arent often. The cats get on my nerves. I keep obsessing about everything thats happened because of them. Changing homes twice. Now i am stuck with them in my room. I feel like i cant breathe well in my room. So i barely spend time with them. Just interacting with them kicks up their fur and triggers my allergies. I force myself to pet them and play with them. But i try to stay out of my room. The anger is there with my nephew that wont stop crying all day long and whining constantly. There are moments where i feel that i dont like him very much. Even though i feel that i do love him.

My room is the size of a sardine can and they are always in the way. Even opening my door is a hassle because my cat shoves her face into the crack. So i cant open the door normally or she would get hurt. I worry what my apartment will be like with the fumes of their dander in the air. I dont know how to mend my relationship with them. I know i would regret rehoming them.

I know my anger isnt even their fault. The anger is there all the time. I remember how bad it was when i lived with my niece and i had moments where i wished she was gone. So i would never have to deal with her again. I dont know if i will ever be myself again and that makes me very sad. I feel like i have been on auto pilot since my mother passed. Just trying to figure out a way to stand on my own two feet. I am doing the things that i am supposed to be doing to get there. But i am just going through the motions.

I take in more anger when others talk about their own issues. My idiotic sister and her daughter. They are losing my sisters home and both of them refuse to get a job. They are lazy and stupid and every time she talks about saving her house i just think of how stupid she is. Enabling her daughter who has two children by a man that she broke up with every 5 minutes.

The anger involves everything and everyone. I am not sure what i am meant to do.
 

susanm9006

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Given how you are feeling, your living situation and your allergies, have you considered rehiring your cats. It may be the best thing for you and them right now.
 

Lari

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You sound like you're dealing with depression. You've gone through so much and it's so hard.

You don't deserve to feel like this. I'm not sure what the answer is, whether rehoming the cats would make you feel better or worse, but going through the motions definitely isn't the way to live your life.
 

Willowy

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Honestly, if I spend too much time in close contact with people (even people I like), I get irrationally angry too. It's just exhausting. I once had a friend stay for the summer and by the end of it I was about ready to arrange my own mysterious disappearance and move to the middle of the wilderness without telling anyone, lol. And we're friends! Some people just aren't cut out for cohabiting.

With the new job, is there any possibility of getting your own place? Even a studio the size of a hotel room would be an improvement, as long as there aren't screaming children and loud baby-daddy discussions going on. And even if there was noise, it wouldn't feel like you had to engage like you do when it's family. Whether you'd rehome the cats or not, I think that would be the best thing, just get un-exhausted from all the family mess. It's amazing how much more you like people (and cats) when you aren't so emotionally exhausted.

And talk to your doctor too, maybe they can tweak some meds. But I really do think it's primarily an emotional exhaustion situation.
 

rubysmama

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terestrife terestrife : so sorry about all that you're feeling, and dealing with. Googling "depression" I found these factors that certainly apply in your case. I've no idea if medication could help, but speaking to your doctor about how you're feeling might be a good idea. Hugs...

Environmental Factors
Depression can often be triggered by very stressful life situations or other factors such as:
  • The death of a loved one, a move, a divorce, financial difficulties or job loss.
  • Social isolation.
  • Periods of relationship conflict, whether marital or family-related.
  • Demanding work or a stressful workplace.
  • Health issues, especially when the person has a chronic health problem.
Depression - The LifeLine Canada Foundation
 

neely

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I agree with all the advice from the above members and IMHO, I think you're overwhelmed right now. Just the thought of starting a new job and leaving one where you liked your boss and co-workers is overwhelming. I realize I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but hope after starting your new job you can sort out what's best for you, the cats and your living situation. Please don't do anything on impulse but do pat yourself on the back for all that you have accomplished both in your career and weight loss. :hugs:
 

terestrife

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Given how you are feeling, your living situation and your allergies, have you considered rehiring your cats. It may be the best thing for you and them right now.
When i am angry it does cross my mind. But i know that i would regret it. I have fought so hard to keep them with me these past few years. I am old enough to know myself well. I know that its possible to be sick and tired of being around a loved one. But to still love them and want them around.

There isnt anyone in this world that i loved as much as i loved my mother. It tore me apart when she passed. But when she was living, She drove me absolutely crazy. So many senseless fights. She was so angry all the time (i didnt know she had cancer.)

But i miss her very much. The cats get on my last nerve. But i love them. Just as i wouldnt stop seeing my niece because she annoys me. I wouldnt want the cats gone because i am angry. I do want to be a better pet mom, they deserve that.

You sound like you're dealing with depression. You've gone through so much and it's so hard.

You don't deserve to feel like this. I'm not sure what the answer is, whether rehoming the cats would make you feel better or worse, but going through the motions definitely isn't the way to live your life.
I suspect its something i have always dealt with. I would go months without leaving my room. It is helping to force myself to get up and go to work. Im not sure yet what to do about the mental aspect. I dont know if i can open up to someone face to face.

My sister used to think i was bipolar, but i dont think i have extreme mood swings. And i can fake being cheerful at work when i need to.

Honestly, if I spend too much time in close contact with people (even people I like), I get irrationally angry too. It's just exhausting. I once had a friend stay for the summer and by the end of it I was about ready to arrange my own mysterious disappearance and move to the middle of the wilderness without telling anyone, lol. And we're friends! Some people just aren't cut out for cohabiting.

With the new job, is there any possibility of getting your own place? Even a studio the size of a hotel room would be an improvement, as long as there aren't screaming children and loud baby-daddy discussions going on. And even if there was noise, it wouldn't feel like you had to engage like you do when it's family. Whether you'd rehome the cats or not, I think that would be the best thing, just get un-exhausted from all the family mess. It's amazing how much more you like people (and cats) when you aren't so emotionally exhausted.

And talk to your doctor too, maybe they can tweak some meds. But I really do think it's primarily an emotional exhaustion situation.
Oh my gosh. I feel like i could have written your response. Sometimes i am talking to someone and enjoying the conversation, and suddenly i am filled with annoyance that the conversation is going on for so long. If i dont get away fast enough the angry grows really badly. I get headaches when i need to hold onto a conversation for too long.

I do want to leave. But i kind of want to finish paying off my car. I owe $9000 on it. It is a monthly payment of $370. That would give me more wiggle room if it is paid off.

I think you are right. Most of my anger is from having to deal with other people. I get home and just want to relax. But the kids are screeching until the mom takes them away.

Thank you for the response. It made me feel a lot better.

terestrife terestrife : so sorry about all that you're feeling, and dealing with. Googling "depression" I found these factors that certainly apply in your case. I've no idea if medication could help, but speaking to your doctor about how you're feeling might be a good idea. Hugs...

Environmental Factors
Depression can often be triggered by very stressful life situations or other factors such as:
  • The death of a loved one, a move, a divorce, financial difficulties or job loss.
  • Social isolation.
  • Periods of relationship conflict, whether marital or family-related.
  • Demanding work or a stressful workplace.
  • Health issues, especially when the person has a chronic health problem.
Depression - The LifeLine Canada Foundation
That sounds about right. lol I have lived with family for 36 years. Its been 36 years of arguments and drama. I will try talking to my doctor. But i think everyone is right. The week that i had the house to myself. I felt so genuinely happy for those few days,. The peace and silence was so nice. I dont know if things will automatically get right once i am living alone. I just want to work on being a better pet mom. I dont want the cats to be unhappy. I dont like being angry with them. They dont deserve that.

I agree with all the advice from the above members and IMHO, I think you're overwhelmed right now. Just the thought of starting a new job and leaving one where you liked your boss and co-workers is overwhelming. I realize I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but hope after starting your new job you can sort out what's best for you, the cats and your living situation. Please don't do anything on impulse but do pat yourself on the back for all that you have accomplished both in your career and weight loss. :hugs:
Dont worry, i tend to overthink things before i make a decision. The new job is going well. The person training me is such a kind person. Shes patient and friendly. Its a big relief that i am not working with bad people. So far people are very nice.

I am actually very proud of myself. My mother passed in 2016. I still remember who i was in that year. Thats when the anger started. I was so angry and terrified at the thought of losing her. I was too afraid to get a drivers license. Too afraid to stand on my own.I wanted to work but the fear of interviewing and the fear of the unknown kept me stuck.

That person would never have pushed herself into growing career wise. I never would have been brave enough to go to interviews. My worst fear is being embarrassed. I cannot stand to be judged and looked down on. My mother passed away feeling afraid that i would never be strong enough to stand on my own.

She tried so hard to find ways to help me. But i was always so afraid. I remember how terrified i was with my first job. And how i broke down crying in fear when i switched to my second job. I didnt know if i would be strong enough to face the unknown of a new job. I got my first job because my brother got me an interview with the help of a family friend. I felt safe there.

When i switched to this job i just felt slightly nervous. But the fear wasnt there this time. I am a lot stronger than i ever thought i could be. But i also want to be strong enough to take care of whatever mental issues are going on.
 

Lari

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I think it would be better for you to get your own place, but I understand the car payments add stress. With your raise, could you pay $400 a month? You'd be over halfway through that $9000 in a year, and you might feel better about moving out if you have a smaller number hanging over your head.

I've been in therapy several times. Now I'm sort of in a maintenance every other week. Having the right person to talk to makes a world of difference, but the first person I saw just wasn't a good fit at all. Medication helps me with my anxiety, too. But I know how it feels when it's just like you're going through the motions, and it's not a good place to be in.

You should be proud of all you've accomplished! I'm proud of you and always hope for the best.
 

terestrife

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I think it would be better for you to get your own place, but I understand the car payments add stress. With your raise, could you pay $400 a month? You'd be over halfway through that $9000 in a year, and you might feel better about moving out if you have a smaller number hanging over your head.

I've been in therapy several times. Now I'm sort of in a maintenance every other week. Having the right person to talk to makes a world of difference, but the first person I saw just wasn't a good fit at all. Medication helps me with my anxiety, too. But I know how it feels when it's just like you're going through the motions, and it's not a good place to be in.

You should be proud of all you've accomplished! I'm proud of you and always hope for the best.
The problem is that apartments are so expensive in miami. I cant go to a studio because of my allergies. I have to have my own bedroom that the cats cant get into. I have been sending extra money to bring down the car payment. Now that i am getting paid more i will definitely be sending more to pay off the car faster. My brother is letting me live here for free thankfully.

I shouldnt hope for more, but i sometimes wish the family would help me just get to my feet. I hear my sister asking for the family for money and it aggravates me. People are stepping up to help her when she and her daughter arent working (they're supposedly looking for work.)

The niece i lived with broke up with her bf. Hes barely paying rent and skips some months. So my sister and niece are asking the family for help. I feel like helping them just enables them to keep being lazy and avoiding work.

I know it sounds hypocritical that i would like the help too. But the difference is that i am actually working and trying to improve myself.

I will look into therapy, just not sure if i would be brave enough to go.
 

neely

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The problem is that apartments are so expensive in miami. I cant go to a studio because of my allergies. I have to have my own bedroom that the cats cant get into.
When the time is right and you are ready to move you may want to consider a convertible studio apartment - this means it has a designated space for just a bed and would be cheaper than an actual one bedroom apartment.
 

Lari

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I looked up Miami itself on apartments.com and yikes! The town you live in now has rental prices closer to the town I'm living in, except it seems around me there's more closer to the $1000 mark. There ought to be some nearby suburbs that are a bit cheaper, but you have to balance safety.

I think if you can be okay living where you are a little longer, paying off as much debt as possible will help you feel better about moving out. I think it's something you should try to work towards because it would be so good for you mentally.

I wish your family would help out more as well.
 
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