Venting....

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terestrife

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I couldnt sleep last night. Kept thinking about things. I was remembering my mom how she told me never to wait for someone to help me out. I always asked her why it didnt upset her that her kids didnt help her more. My oldest brother always made sure his mother in law had a working car. But my mom and i were stuck sharing one car that kept leaving us stranded out in the hot miami sun. She told me she didnt expect anyone to help her that she had to figure things out on her own.

I've had so many family members promise help and end up failing me. My last home belongs to the youngest of my older brothers, he swore to my mother that i would always be welcome there. He promised to help me until i got on my feet. But we ended up fighting and i left. Then my sister swore i could move in, and get on my feet. Then she ends up avoiding work for 2 years. At first it made sense because she was grieving the loss of her husband, but then she ran away and married another guy after a year of her husband passing. At this point she just doesnt want any responsibility. Like my mom said, my sister lives in the clouds.

My middle oldest brother has rental properties and i asked him for help months ago, and he was just insistent that i stay with my sister. He makes a lot of money on his properties, and by breeding cats from home.

Now my oldest brother is offering help. It just feels like i'm meant to face another disappointment. I would love to be able to stand on my own, and not have to depend on anyones kindness. I just stayed up most of the night worrying about things. Thinking about the house i am in that is in both foreclosure and has a lien on it. Worrying because i want my cats to live someone comfortable. Where they have to be nervous moving around because my niece cant control her child.

With everything going on, including my health issues, i just feel tired.
 

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I haven't been keeping up with posts here, but just read your last one. Maybe things will change this time and your brother will help you out till you can get out on your own. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. :hugs: :redheartpump: :hugs: :redheartpump: :hugs: :redheartpump:
 

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I would definitely have to get rid of a lot of stuff. Lol I've accumulated stuff over the years. Just feel bad taking my cats from a roomy home to a small RV. We'll see, if the opportunity comes up, I'll have to take it. It's the best option i have now.

I was looking at the cost of building a room the way my brother wants to and the price is very high $20,000 -30,000. Not sure if that will ever be possible. :sigh: that's also the prices I saw for mobile homes.
If he has good credit he can apply for a loan.
A fair-sized RV would be fine for two cats, especially if you have vertical cat furniture they can climb and rest on. When space is small, build up ;) And you might think about renting a public storage space for some of your things if you move. I suggested that to my roomies, who basically sold the contents of their home but still had things they wanted to keep. They got a small space and it works for them. Plus, they store stuff in my double garage which has no car in it, but does have a lot of other stuff of mine. They cleaned it as much as it could be cleaned, and I got rid of a lot of stuff there and in the house, so that this could happen. It's not ideal for them, but it does mean that they're able to store stuff here and access it whenever. The public storage isn't far, either.
Best Friends does have people in Florida but they're in Jacksonville: Florida Urgent Rescue They have a LOT of affiliates, so you might want to connect with them and ask if they can recommend any in Miami.
Paws 4 You Rescue, Inc. and
Humane Society of Greater Miami are affiliates in Miami.
 
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terestrife

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I haven't been keeping up with posts here, but just read your last one. Maybe things will change this time and your brother will help you out till you can get out on your own. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. :hugs: :redheartpump: :hugs: :redheartpump: :hugs: :redheartpump:
thank you for checking in, and for your support. :heartshape:I hope you are right. I'll keep everyone posted as i learn more about whats going to happen. 🤞

If he has good credit he can apply for a loan.
A fair-sized RV would be fine for two cats, especially if you have vertical cat furniture they can climb and rest on. When space is small, build up ;) And you might think about renting a public storage space for some of your things if you move. I suggested that to my roomies, who basically sold the contents of their home but still had things they wanted to keep. They got a small space and it works for them. Plus, they store stuff in my double garage which has no car in it, but does have a lot of other stuff of mine. They cleaned it as much as it could be cleaned, and I got rid of a lot of stuff there and in the house, so that this could happen. It's not ideal for them, but it does mean that they're able to store stuff here and access it whenever. The public storage isn't far, either.
Best Friends does have people in Florida but they're in Jacksonville: Florida Urgent Rescue They have a LOT of affiliates, so you might want to connect with them and ask if they can recommend any in Miami.
Paws 4 You Rescue, Inc. and
Humane Society of Greater Miami are affiliates in Miami.
I'm not sure how his credit is. He had to save up and put a large down payment on the house. I'll keep my hopes up and if its meant to be, somehow it will work out.

I like the idea about the storage unit, especially if i will be saving money monthly going forward. I have my stuff shoved in my sisters garage, so i know how inconvenient it can be. I do want to see what i have in all those containers. I tend to hold onto things.

Thank you for the links, i will check them out. Not sure if i want to mention anything to my niece. We are getting along, but i sense a weird attitude from her the past couple of weeks. Not sure if its issues with her boyfriend, or just one of her mood swings that she goes through from time to time. i'll see if i can find a way to mention it.

One thing that worries me is that my brother tends be pushy. He has always had this mindset that i wasted my life because i didnt live it the way he expected me to. He is always insistent that i find a partner. which i would love to find, but that doesnt happen from thin air. He is the type to try to convince you to his way of thinking. I was telling him i want to get a degree to work from home. He starts talking about being in an office is better for me so i can socialize with people. I am not a people person. I get a headache if people talk to me for too long.

Thats just random examples. He has spent years trying to encourage me to live life the way he thought is best.
 

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thank you for checking in, and for your support. :heartshape:I hope you are right. I'll keep everyone posted as i learn more about whats going to happen. 🤞



I'm not sure how his credit is. He had to save up and put a large down payment on the house. I'll keep my hopes up and if its meant to be, somehow it will work out.

I like the idea about the storage unit, especially if i will be saving money monthly going forward. I have my stuff shoved in my sisters garage, so i know how inconvenient it can be. I do want to see what i have in all those containers. I tend to hold onto things.

Thank you for the links, i will check them out. Not sure if i want to mention anything to my niece. We are getting along, but i sense a weird attitude from her the past couple of weeks. Not sure if its issues with her boyfriend, or just one of her mood swings that she goes through from time to time. i'll see if i can find a way to mention it.

One thing that worries me is that my brother tends be pushy. He has always had this mindset that i wasted my life because i didnt live it the way he expected me to. He is always insistent that i find a partner. which i would love to find, but that doesnt happen from thin air. He is the type to try to convince you to his way of thinking. I was telling him i want to get a degree to work from home. He starts talking about being in an office is better for me so i can socialize with people. I am not a people person. I get a headache if people talk to me for too long.

Thats just random examples. He has spent years trying to encourage me to live life the way he thought is best.
Maybe having a really good conversation about the dog -- if that's possible -- and then mentioning about possible rehoming might work? It's a tough one, though, I know.
Well, I was once accused of being an "under-achiever" by someone who didn't know me well enough to have the real right to say that. But it got to me (and still does, as you see). My dad wanted me to reach for the stars, and my mom was a pragmatist who wanted me to live and work within the boundaries she saw as being applicable to me at the time I was growing up and getting my basic education. Also, our financial status was taken into consideration and as a result, yes, I'm an under-achiever. But at this stage in my life, I'm now doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, which is 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and no one is really in a position to rate my achievement except me. That's not a position a lot of people can be in, I know; and it's living the best life, to a lot of people. I know it pretty much is to me.
Things have gone from being able to live a basic life on one basic job, to a lot of people having to work multiple jobs to struggle to pay basics. I know that. I honestly don't know how I'd do it if I had it to do now, which is why I don't have a lot of input on the subject. One thing that I'd offer from my observation point, though, is that, however well-meaning someone might be in their suggestions, YOU are the one living your life, and you know best how to do that. I'm good on a team, and work really well being supervised, but once I get my work orders, I'm a self-starter and I like to work on my own. It sounds like we're similar in that aspect. A job that I had that was a great fit for me was basically clerical, for the City. We had supervisors and department heads and answered to them, but we got trained and basically were set loose after that. I was the top producer on the team, because I am a workaholic and I like to push my own envelope continually. I'd recommend government jobs to anyone like me, because of this. Plus, at that time anyway, they were secure, offered good benefits, and offered good opportunities to advance.
 
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Maybe having a really good conversation about the dog -- if that's possible -- and then mentioning about possible rehoming might work? It's a tough one, though, I know.
Well, I was once accused of being an "under-achiever" by someone who didn't know me well enough to have the real right to say that. But it got to me (and still does, as you see). My dad wanted me to reach for the stars, and my mom was a pragmatist who wanted me to live and work within the boundaries she saw as being applicable to me at the time I was growing up and getting my basic education. Also, our financial status was taken into consideration and as a result, yes, I'm an under-achiever. But at this stage in my life, I'm now doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, which is 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and no one is really in a position to rate my achievement except me. That's not a position a lot of people can be in, I know; and it's living the best life, to a lot of people. I know it pretty much is to me.
Things have gone from being able to live a basic life on one basic job, to a lot of people having to work multiple jobs to struggle to pay basics. I know that. I honestly don't know how I'd do it if I had it to do now, which is why I don't have a lot of input on the subject. One thing that I'd offer from my observation point, though, is that, however well-meaning someone might be in their suggestions, YOU are the one living your life, and you know best how to do that. I'm good on a team, and work really well being supervised, but once I get my work orders, I'm a self-starter and I like to work on my own. It sounds like we're similar in that aspect. A job that I had that was a great fit for me was basically clerical, for the City. We had supervisors and department heads and answered to them, but we got trained and basically were set loose after that. I was the top producer on the team, because I am a workaholic and I like to push my own envelope continually. I'd recommend government jobs to anyone like me, because of this. Plus, at that time anyway, they were secure, offered good benefits, and offered good opportunities to advance.
I know, but if her mom couldnt guilt her into giving up the dog, it wont work if i do it. If you've read my posts youve seen the issues i run into when i ask her to do something. Her mom has told her that its abuse the way she treats the dog. Shes told her its cruel, and that she should rehome the dog. Shes told her she can find him a home with someone in church. We've both warned her its not safe for him to be in a hot garage. But she just gets quiet and wont respond. She tends to shut down when you try to tell her what to do. You know what sickens me? She tried convincing her mom to let her bring another dog last year. lol Shes told me she wants to get a Dalmatian when her son grows up. Some people can really blind themselves to their own faults.

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i know i dont know much about you. But i dont see you as an underachiever. You were smart enough to get roommates and you have that financial stability in your life. Not many people are brave enough, and strong enough to keep everything in order and plan for thier future. But i agree, we dont need others to tell us how to live our lives. Its why it bothers me when people do that. Dont worry, people might push me to do things, but i always make my own decisions.

My last job was a government job, but it was very stressful for me. I am introverted and like being left alone. As the secretary i had to handle the phones, and the customers. I would have two people on hold, and a customer yelling about their license or their restaurant getting closed down. I had to do data entry, and it got to the point that they were giving me work from other people because things were so behind.

I got panicky and i am so glad i am out of that job. I wish i could have worked on just data entry. I dont mind working on my own doing computer tasks. But just dont like dealing with the public. I am not sure if its possible to find a job like that. lol I now work for Miami Dade College. I am still a secretary so i still have deal with the public. Not sure what i am going to do because most jobs involve being attached to a phone. I have never liked dealing with the phone and rarely call people, i prefer to text. Online it says that introverted people should go into IT. But in my last job, the IT guy had a company cellphone on his hand constantly to deal with employees.

I have the chance to get my bachelors and i am not sure what the best thing to do is. I used to want to be an elementary school teacher, but i dont have the energy for that anymore. Plus, i would have to be off of work to shadow a teacher for a few months. I considered teaching at a college because the students would be more mature, but you have to get a higher level degree for that.

I dont have the strength at this point to be working multiple jobs. So i need a good degree so i can stand on my own. Hopefully, i can figure something out.
 

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Well, I was once accused of being an "under-achiever" by someone who didn't know me well enough to have the real right to say that.
I get called an under-achiever all the time by friends/family who are supposed to love me. People just don't understand the invisible illnesses that they can't "see" like anorexia & anxiety. But they disable you just as badly as a physical injury. Then I did have the physical abdominal injury last fall. So I am doing the best I can. People don't realize that judgmental words like that make things worse. They think it will motivate, but it does the opposite.
 

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Well, M maggiedemi and terestrife terestrife , in my own case, I came to think about that term differently as it applied to me. As I said, my dad wanted me to reach for the stars, but my mom wanted to keep me safe and as a result, I WAS an underachiever, settling for a career path I wasn't enthusiastic about instead of fighting for what I wanted to do but couldn't financially swing, that would have been a lot riskier. If I had it to do over in this time, I like to think I would have mapped out a way to try, at least, to achieve my goal; but all in all, it hasn't been bad, and I'm not really complaining, just musing.
terestrife terestrife , my job with the City would have probably suited you. I was part of a team working under a supervisor and the work involved reviewing employee files to determine their amount of time put in, related to retirement benefits. It was complicated work, but once we were trained, 98% of it was working on our own, each of us with as many cases as we wanted, and then adding to those when we finished that batch. The supervisor reviewed the finished work and if there was any error she'd point it out to us and we'd correct it. These were physical files so there was also filing when the reviews were done. No phones, no public contact whatsoever, and very little interaction with the supervisor, even. I'm sure that kind of work still exists, all on computer, of course.
Thanks for your nice thoughts -- but I'm the way I am because I'm pretty sure I'm Asperger's and that means I very much need pattern and order. It's not really a choice for me, and I don't see it as a talent so much as a requirement. My brain is hardwired to organize and keep in order. That's another job I had, freelance -- organizing people's offices and archives. Apparently, no amount of data or paperwork is too big for me to want to tackle :flail:because I just start at one end and keep on going until it's all done and in order. One of my jobs was organizing an archive for a friend -- this archive was later acknowledged as the largest of its kind in the world. For me, it was just a lot of fun and some good money. Again, no phones, no public contact because it was in my friend's house, and very little contact with him, because he was away on business most of the time. Most people hate this type of work. I love it.
A very smart friend of mine who was not highly degreed became a librarian. What do you think about that type of work?
Yeah, I know the "dog issue" is not an easy one. But I'll never give up hope and *Prayers* that somehow, a better life will be his. He really deserves it. Maybe, for instance, he'll "run away". Dogs do do that, you know. ;)
 
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terestrife

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I get called an under-achiever all the time by friends/family who are supposed to love me. People just don't understand the invisible illnesses that they can't "see" like anorexia & anxiety. But they disable you just as badly as a physical injury. Then I did have the physical abdominal injury last fall. So I am doing the best I can. People don't realize that judgmental words like that make things worse. They think it will motivate, but it does the opposite.
I am so sorry that your family says things like that to you and that they arent understanding. People dont understand until they experience something themselves. I dont know why you were injured, but i hope you are okay now, and everything is okay health-wise.

Believe me, i completely understand you. My father told me when i grew up and that he was obsessive, and said rude things to me hoping it would make me lose weight. If anything that made me turn to food more. Im now 35 years old, and struggling with my weight still. People dont understand eating disorders, or anxiety/depression. My brother believes that if i just go out into the world i will be happy. If he only knew i sometimes cry at my jobs because whats wrong has nothing to do with being more "social."

Well, M maggiedemi and terestrife terestrife , in my own case, I came to think about that term differently as it applied to me. As I said, my dad wanted me to reach for the stars, but my mom wanted to keep me safe and as a result, I WAS an underachiever, settling for a career path I wasn't enthusiastic about instead of fighting for what I wanted to do but couldn't financially swing, that would have been a lot riskier. If I had it to do over in this time, I like to think I would have mapped out a way to try, at least, to achieve my goal; but all in all, it hasn't been bad, and I'm not really complaining, just musing.
terestrife terestrife , my job with the City would have probably suited you. I was part of a team working under a supervisor and the work involved reviewing employee files to determine their amount of time put in, related to retirement benefits. It was complicated work, but once we were trained, 98% of it was working on our own, each of us with as many cases as we wanted, and then adding to those when we finished that batch. The supervisor reviewed the finished work and if there was any error she'd point it out to us and we'd correct it. These were physical files so there was also filing when the reviews were done. No phones, no public contact whatsoever, and very little interaction with the supervisor, even. I'm sure that kind of work still exists, all on computer, of course.
Thanks for your nice thoughts -- but I'm the way I am because I'm pretty sure I'm Asperger's and that means I very much need pattern and order. It's not really a choice for me, and I don't see it as a talent so much as a requirement. My brain is hardwired to organize and keep in order. That's another job I had, freelance -- organizing people's offices and archives. Apparently, no amount of data or paperwork is too big for me to want to tackle :flail:because I just start at one end and keep on going until it's all done and in order. One of my jobs was organizing an archive for a friend -- this archive was later acknowledged as the largest of its kind in the world. For me, it was just a lot of fun and some good money. Again, no phones, no public contact because it was in my friend's house, and very little contact with him, because he was away on business most of the time. Most people hate this type of work. I love it.
A very smart friend of mine who was not highly degreed became a librarian. What do you think about that type of work?
Yeah, I know the "dog issue" is not an easy one. But I'll never give up hope and *Prayers* that somehow, a better life will be his. He really deserves it. Maybe, for instance, he'll "run away". Dogs do do that, you know. ;)
I have those moments all the time. I try to imagine how i could have lived my life differently. Then i wonder how that would have affected the people around me. I know that sounds like i'm thinking too much into it. But if i had done things differently, i wouldnt have been there to raise my niece. She was such an unhappy, and angry little girl. She started changing when i started taking care of her. I have wonderful memories with my mother in her last years, and was there to take care of her in her last months.

I sometimes think that things happen for a reason. But i still have moments of regret. At my age i should have a stable job and my own place, and that weighs on my mind constantly. Thanks for the suggestion, i will keep looking around at jobs. I might see if i can talk to an advisor in my school, so maybe theres a degree that can help me get the type of job i want. The job you mentioned sounds ideal for me. My brother mentioned being a librarian to me once, but dont they deal a lot with the public and phones?

As for your experiences in work whether a requirement or talent, thats still pretty amazing. You have to be very detailed to help create the largest archive in the world. You should be proud of yourself regardless of the reasons.

Thats true about the dog running away. My sister once took away a bunch of puppies and claimed they ran away. Shes coming soon and i'll try talking to her. Despite everything i do think she cares about the dog. Just makes me feel bad, i would be devastated if anyone took my cats. Even though i know he isnt happy here.
 

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I dont know why you were injured, but i hope you are okay now, and everything is okay health-wise.
It was a combination of anorexia & excessive exercise with a 3 pound weight that I took off a barbell. I perforated my Abdominal Viscus and almost died. It's pretty much healed, but my right leg never stopped aching. So I'm wondering if I snapped something in my leg at the same time as my stomach. I was doing leg lifts & stomach crunches with the barbell sitting on my stomach or leg/butt, just moving the barbell to whatever area I was targeting. Also didn't eat for 3 weeks while doing this! Big mistake.
 

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Well, terestrife terestrife -- we are definitely supposed to take personal responsibility for our actions, but we are human, and we all make mistakes and poor decisions -- that, as M maggiedemi pointed out, is how we learn! Those are life lessons. And another thing I have trouble with but am telling myself more these days is that not everything is in our control. While we strive to be better, stronger, smarter, and more caring, we also have to learn, as has been said, to "let go and let god" when situations just are not in our control. We also need to know that under those situations, it's normal to feel sad, sorry, regret, etc., but we then need to just disengage from those feelings, work through them, and go on to handle those things we CAN handle. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda" keep us bogged down in a pretty negative place. We can learn from our experiences and next time, if there is a "next time" -- we can use that learning to try to bring about a better outcome.
No, I don't think there is a lot of public contact as a librarian, but of course you'd have to find out what a prospective job would entail for you.
And as for the dog, I know you care about your sister, as you should! but the bottom line is that the dog is being abused, to the point of danger (being in a hot garage) and needs some help. He can't help himself out of this. But someone else could.
 
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terestrife

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It was a combination of anorexia & excessive exercise with a 3 pound weight that I took off a barbell. I perforated my Abdominal Viscus and almost died. It's pretty much healed, but my right leg never stopped aching. So I'm wondering if I snapped something in my leg at the same time as my stomach. I was doing leg lifts & stomach crunches with the barbell sitting on my stomach or leg/butt, just moving the barbell to whatever area I was targeting. Also didn't eat for 3 weeks while doing this! Big mistake.
Thats awful, i am so sorry you went through that. :sigh: I had to google what that was, it sounds very scary and painful. I dont want to pry into your personal life, but I hope you are doing better now health-wise. :vibes::heartshape:I am glad you made it through that. You should get your leg checked out, i've been ignoring my back issues for years and its just gotten worse.


Well, terestrife terestrife -- we are definitely supposed to take personal responsibility for our actions, but we are human, and we all make mistakes and poor decisions -- that, as M maggiedemi pointed out, is how we learn! Those are life lessons. And another thing I have trouble with but am telling myself more these days is that not everything is in our control. While we strive to be better, stronger, smarter, and more caring, we also have to learn, as has been said, to "let go and let god" when situations just are not in our control. We also need to know that under those situations, it's normal to feel sad, sorry, regret, etc., but we then need to just disengage from those feelings, work through them, and go on to handle those things we CAN handle. "Woulda, coulda, shoulda" keep us bogged down in a pretty negative place. We can learn from our experiences and next time, if there is a "next time" -- we can use that learning to try to bring about a better outcome.
No, I don't think there is a lot of public contact as a librarian, but of course you'd have to find out what a prospective job would entail for you.
And as for the dog, I know you care about your sister, as you should! but the bottom line is that the dog is being abused, to the point of danger (being in a hot garage) and needs some help. He can't help himself out of this. But someone else could.
I know, i feel for him too, i will look into the options near me to see what can we done. :sigh: Shes actually finally walking him and making sure he gets food/water. She used to just let him peee/poop in the garage. :stars:

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You know, i really enjoy reading your posts. As i was reading your post, something about it reminded me of my mom. She had this way of analyzing everything you say and finding a way to help you see things from someone elses perspective. To help you see beyond your own thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if that makes sense. She always said she wanted me to be a better person, to learn and grow.

I still have this memory of when i was very young. I remember we were watching this spanish soap opera, and there happened to be a transgendered person. I remember being confused and wondering what was "wrong" with the person. And my mom immediately commented that they weren't hurting anyone, and there wasn't anything wrong, they were just living their lives and trying to be happy. I don't know why but that conversation has always stayed with me. Every time i read your posts it just reminds me of her. She was very good at being understanding, and giving advice.

Exercise update: so far the only exercise i can do without pain are chair exercises. LOL this sounds really sad at my age. But it gets my heart rate up, and my back isn't hurting. I am looking into low impact workouts to see if those are okay for me too. My diet has been really good this week. Stopped the fast food and junk food. But the medication is hitting me full force now that i dont give into to the constant hunger. Its awful, its this painful, empty feeling in my stomach. Usually starts an hour after eating. Its taking all my will power to ignore it.

I was looking into being a librarian and found this funny article: https://the-toast.net/2015/09/18/questions-your-local-librarian-will-not-be-answering-for-you/ I think it would drive me crazy having people asking me such silly questions. lol

I ended up buying two baby gates to block off the kitties food/litter area.We had a gate that she would crawl under. Today she tried crawling under the new gate instead of using the door. Gave me such a scare. I thought she would get her head stuck. Going to post a thread tomorrow. i had to put that gate above the moulding on the ground, so theres a small space under and its not stable. She tried crawling under that. :frustrated:I removed the cat door so she could see the opening, but she didnt notice lol.

Thankfully she runs to that area to get away from the baby. I just need to put up the other gate. I cant even go downstairs anymore. Kitty sees me and wants to be near me, and the toddler immediately wants to play with her. She tends to only roam when i am downstairs.
 

Lari

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If there wasn't this whole pandemic, I would totally suggest swimming to you. My dad was doing this water running class when he had injured his knee and it's low impact because the water supports you so much.

But I probably won't be trusting public pools this summer, and indoor ones would be worse. So chair exercises seem like a good idea for now!
 

maggiedemi

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dont want to pry into your personal life, but I hope you are doing better now health-wise. :vibes::heartshape:I am glad you made it through that. You should get your leg checked out, i've been ignoring my back issues for years and its just gotten worse.
I'm doing good. I wouldn't dare starve myself again after coming so close to death. I'm enjoying eating for the first time in over 20 years.
It had to happen, or I would have never stopped doing it. It's funny, with anorexia, I was trying to look beautiful, but anorexia just rots and poisons your body and almost turns it into a corpse. Makes no sense, yet we do it.
 
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terestrife

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If there wasn't this whole pandemic, I would totally suggest swimming to you. My dad was doing this water running class when he had injured his knee and it's low impact because the water supports you so much.

But I probably won't be trusting public pools this summer, and indoor ones would be worse. So chair exercises seem like a good idea for now!
I know. That has crossed my mind before. Our neighborhood has a pool and gym. Once things are more stable i would love to start going. The last time i lost weight, the only exercise i did was the elliptical, it never caused me harm. I would love to go swimming too. Hopefully soon. :(

I'm doing good. I wouldn't dare starve myself again after coming so close to death. I'm enjoying eating for the first time in over 20 years.
It had to happen, or I would have never stopped doing it. It's funny, with anorexia, I was trying to look beautiful, but anorexia just rots and poisons your body and almost turns it into a corpse. Makes no sense, yet we do it.
I am glad you are doing better. :heartshape: I never heard someone describe anorexia like that. When you're stuck in that mindset of your eating disorder you just excuse away things like that, or refuse to see it. I am on the opposite side of you. I am close to 300 lbs. Even knowing that being overweight has caused me serious health issues its been so hard to make changes. Yes, things are harder now with the medication i am on, so i am bigger than i ever have been before.

But i had an eating disorder before this started. I dont know how we convince ourselves that its okay to keep going, even when we are causing damage. Doctors keep telling me that my hormones will stabilize if i just lose the weight. But when i am scared the only way i know how to cope is with food.

i hope its okay that i am writing about this, i dont want anything i say to negatively affect you. Just trying to say that i understand you, and i care. :heartshape::heartshape:
 

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Thats awful, i am so sorry you went through that. :sigh: I had to google what that was, it sounds very scary and painful. I dont want to pry into your personal life, but I hope you are doing better now health-wise. :vibes::heartshape:I am glad you made it through that. You should get your leg checked out, i've been ignoring my back issues for years and its just gotten worse.




I know, i feel for him too, i will look into the options near me to see what can we done. :sigh: Shes actually finally walking him and making sure he gets food/water. She used to just let him peee/poop in the garage. :stars:

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You know, i really enjoy reading your posts. As i was reading your post, something about it reminded me of my mom. She had this way of analyzing everything you say and finding a way to help you see things from someone elses perspective. To help you see beyond your own thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if that makes sense. She always said she wanted me to be a better person, to learn and grow.

I still have this memory of when i was very young. I remember we were watching this spanish soap opera, and there happened to be a transgendered person. I remember being confused and wondering what was "wrong" with the person. And my mom immediately commented that they weren't hurting anyone, and there wasn't anything wrong, they were just living their lives and trying to be happy. I don't know why but that conversation has always stayed with me. Every time i read your posts it just reminds me of her. She was very good at being understanding, and giving advice.

Exercise update: so far the only exercise i can do without pain are chair exercises. LOL this sounds really sad at my age. But it gets my heart rate up, and my back isn't hurting. I am looking into low impact workouts to see if those are okay for me too. My diet has been really good this week. Stopped the fast food and junk food. But the medication is hitting me full force now that i dont give into to the constant hunger. Its awful, its this painful, empty feeling in my stomach. Usually starts an hour after eating. Its taking all my will power to ignore it.

I was looking into being a librarian and found this funny article: Questions Your Local Librarian Will Not Be Answering for You - The Toast I think it would drive me crazy having people asking me such silly questions. lol

I ended up buying two baby gates to block off the kitties food/litter area.We had a gate that she would crawl under. Today she tried crawling under the new gate instead of using the door. Gave me such a scare. I thought she would get her head stuck. Going to post a thread tomorrow. i had to put that gate above the moulding on the ground, so theres a small space under and its not stable. She tried crawling under that. :frustrated:I removed the cat door so she could see the opening, but she didnt notice lol.

Thankfully she runs to that area to get away from the baby. I just need to put up the other gate. I cant even go downstairs anymore. Kitty sees me and wants to be near me, and the toddler immediately wants to play with her. She tends to only roam when i am downstairs.
THANK YOU for the Librarian article. I roared. Numerous times. My friend never said anything about any of these, so I think you MAY be safe if you want to investigate it as a career. :lolup::crackup:
Thank you for the compliment -- I'm honored. My mom taught me that way, too. There were quite a few kids in our general neighborhood who were intellectually challenged and some were physically challenged as well. Of course, kids being kids, a lot of them made fun of these kids. My mom educated me about that right away. She always tried to explain anything that was on my mind and she was a very compassionate and kind person. My dad was, too, but he was away at work and didn't have the influence that my mom had on me every day, which is why I credit her first with teaching me these things. She had a relative by marriage who had what's called "brittle bone disease", too -- this lady lived a full lifetime and was intellectually normal, but because her bones would break practically every time she moved, she could not move. She spent her life sitting on a pillow. Her head was normal size but her body was not much larger than a small child's, again, because of her terrible health issue. Growing up around her, my mom loved her and was amazed at some of her observations about the world around her. She also said that this lady was a very talented creative. When some of the things she made turned up in their home town years later, my mom was able to get them. One was a beautiful embroidered quilt. It's since "disappeared" but it was amazing, all the more so when you consider who made it.
As for the gender issues, since animals have those too, I just figure that our Creator made a lot of different designs and it's certainly not up to any of us to think we know better! And it's definitely not for any of us to condemn anyone whose gender is something "different" from the straight.
Your news about the dog makes me very happy! That's some progress, at least. Maybe she's a "baby steps" type of person and will continue to do good things for him. I pray so.
Can you put something on the bottom of the baby gate to keep your cats safe? A piece of wood or plastic or even heavy cardboard?
On eating, my solution to being hungry when I shouldn't is to stay busy. Keep occupied and push the thought out. It works for me.
 

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I never heard someone describe anorexia like that.
It's true, when we don't eat, our body stops working and starts to poison itself. It would only take me a few days of not eating to have the inside of my mouth totally covered in white thrush. Then the horrible malnutrition sores all over my body. I suspect it was scurvy. Then hair falls out, teeth rot. Basically a dead person walking. Or not walking on the days I was too dizzy to stand.
 
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ody stops working and starts to poison itself. It would only take me a few days of not eating to have the inside of my mouth totally covered in white thrush. Then the horrible malnutrition sores all over my body. I suspect it was scurvy. Then hair falls out, teeth rot. Basic
I'm very happy that you were able to turn things around. I dont like the thought of anyone suffering like that. It takes a strong person to see the truth and work to better themselves. :heartshape: I am in my own journey to try to heal, and be healthy. I hope we can move forward making positive changes.

THANK YOU for the Librarian article. I roared. Numerous times. My friend never said anything about any of these, so I think you MAY be safe if you want to investigate it as a career. :lolup::crackup:
Thank you for the compliment -- I'm honored. My mom taught me that way, too. There were quite a few kids in our general neighborhood who were intellectually challenged and some were physically challenged as well. Of course, kids being kids, a lot of them made fun of these kids. My mom educated me about that right away. She always tried to explain anything that was on my mind and she was a very compassionate and kind person. My dad was, too, but he was away at work and didn't have the influence that my mom had on me every day, which is why I credit her first with teaching me these things. She had a relative by marriage who had what's called "brittle bone disease", too -- this lady lived a full lifetime and was intellectually normal, but because her bones would break practically every time she moved, she could not move. She spent her life sitting on a pillow. Her head was normal size but her body was not much larger than a small child's, again, because of her terrible health issue. Growing up around her, my mom loved her and was amazed at some of her observations about the world around her. She also said that this lady was a very talented creative. When some of the things she made turned up in their home town years later, my mom was able to get them. One was a beautiful embroidered quilt. It's since "disappeared" but it was amazing, all the more so when you consider who made it.
As for the gender issues, since animals have those too, I just figure that our Creator made a lot of different designs and it's certainly not up to any of us to think we know better! And it's definitely not for any of us to condemn anyone whose gender is something "different" from the straight.
Your news about the dog makes me very happy! That's some progress, at least. Maybe she's a "baby steps" type of person and will continue to do good things for him. I pray so.
Can you put something on the bottom of the baby gate to keep your cats safe? A piece of wood or plastic or even heavy cardboard?
On eating, my solution to being hungry when I shouldn't is to stay busy. Keep occupied and push the thought out. It works for me.
lol i am glad the article made you laugh. People just crack me up, they expect a person in a front desk or a librarian to have all the answers. I see that in my job as a secretary. I work in a chemistry department, but i am supposed to know their financial aid status/how much they owe for their class, and i am meant to know how to make their online classes work. We use something called blackboard for online classes. Normally our classes are face to face, but had to switch due to the virus. Instead of contacting blackboard when they have issues, they call me. And worse are when they are pushy.

We once had a student come in and ask when his next test was! Five minutes before his class started, so he could have asked his teacher, or checked his syllabus. :frustrated::frustrated:Crazy people like that is why i cant be in customer service. These students will even lie about you. One student tried to do that to me. A group of students came in wanting to be registered. They were very demanding and kept changing their minds on what classes to register for. My boss expects us to leave on time because we are on the clock. This one student demands that i stay. I told him to have a seat and someone would call him soon. He went and told my boss that i left without helping him and that i was rude. :angryfire: Weirdly enough he wanted to force my boss to register him for a closed class. He was asked to leave, but kept sitting down, then barging into my bosses office to keep talking to him.

Your mom sounds like an amazing lady. I think she would have gotten along with my mom. I didn't know about the illness called brittle bone disease. How incredible that she was able to find a hobby that she is passionate about, despite what she was going through. It makes me sad that she was stuck in her room. :frown:

Some ladies in the forum helped me put up the gate, just trying to figure out why it keeps getting loose on the top. But now kitty wont try to crawl under, which was worrying me. For some weird reason Kitty will follow into the area where the toddler is, even though he follows her around. She has places to hide, but is determined to walk around. lol
 

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Ah, yes, college days! How well I remember my own frantic searches to get the classes I wanted.
As for customer service, even though a lot of those people seem to be pretty, uh, inadequately trained/informed/educated, I feel for them, because I'm sure they have to deal with a lot of angry, frustrated, tired, irritated and just plain arrogant people these days. I try hard to praise them when I can and lighten up the convo at the end, no matter how awful it was during the beginning and middle, so they don't come off a call feeling like they've just been verbally assassinated.
It sounds like Kitty loves your nephew!
Yes, that relative used to sit by the front door and watch the kids go to school, wishing she could go, too. But even with what must have been almost unendurable, she made something beautiful and enduring.
 
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terestrife

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Ah, yes, college days! How well I remember my own frantic searches to get the classes I wanted.
As for customer service, even though a lot of those people seem to be pretty, uh, inadequately trained/informed/educated, I feel for them, because I'm sure they have to deal with a lot of angry, frustrated, tired, irritated and just plain arrogant people these days. I try hard to praise them when I can and lighten up the convo at the end, no matter how awful it was during the beginning and middle, so they don't come off a call feeling like they've just been verbally assassinated.
It sounds like Kitty loves your nephew!
Yes, that relative used to sit by the front door and watch the kids go to school, wishing she could go, too. But even with what must have been almost unendurable, she made something beautiful and enduring.
lol as much as i complain about the students that are disrespectful. i love the atmosphere in a college. You do see a lot of students who were raised right, and try everyone with respect. The ones that say "please" and "thank you" which is not common today. I had always wanted to work in a college so i can feel the excited energy of people starting their lives and independence. I am very grateful for my job, and hope i never sound ungrateful.

I thank you for your kindness to customer service people. I have been that secretary that gets yelled at, and lied about. It is not easy. Especially when the secretary is usually tasked with jobs that arent in their job description. And wont be compensated for it. My last job refused to even consider a raise, even though i was doing well, and was doing tasks belonging to a supervisor. Even my boss was upset in my behalf.

I think Kitty just wants to be near me. She seems afraid of my nephew. Shes used to being with me when i am downstairs. She now she runs to her food area, because she knows he cannot pass the gate.


I feel like a jerk. Lately, i try to avoid watching my nephew as much as i can. My niece used to leave him with me so she could go shopping with her boyfriend. There are two of them, so they can just shop separately and not take the baby. I just dont have the patience. Hes almost two years old, and has a tantrum every time he hears the word no. Yesterday, we were at my brothers house, and all you can hear was my nephew crying for everything. They have a son of a similar age and he didnt cry as much.

I just dont have the patience for it. I am grumpy as is from from the hormones i am on, and plus the fact that i am trying to force myself to lose weight. The constant hunger just gets to me, and i cannot take a screaming child. I feel bad for my poor cat Elsa, she was trying to give me love today and i shooed her away. I had to call her back and give her affection. :frustrated: My poor Elsa is such a sweet cat that she doesnt need you to pet her, she just gives love by rubbing her tail on your leg. Its the cutest thing. Sounds weird, but she shakes bottom and rubs her tail on you. :lol:
 
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