Trying to deal with my Father-In-Law's death and other things

[margecat]

It breaks my heart to see my husband's grief. The only time I've ever seen him cry was when his beloved cat had to be put down. He's ok most of the time, but yesterday, we went out for dinner and he started to cry several times. He just spent three days helping his mom to go through Dad's things, and it was so hard for him. I think it really hit him that his dad was gone when he did that.

I couldn't go with him to help, but I did offer to do comps on anything sellable, and will list things on Facebook Marketplace and eBay. He brought the stuff home yesterday, and I just can't get myself to go through stuff yet, but it's in my living room, and I have to get started. Mom could use the money (anything that's sold, I will give the money to her). I do sell my stuff on F/B, but photographing and listing are my least favorite part of it. I'm now dealing with tools and other items, which aren't things that I'm interested in, but I promised I would do it!

 

[rubysmama]

Oh, margecat , I'm so sorry about your father in law. I knew he wasn't well, but didn't realize he had passed.

Unless your mother in law is really in need of the extra money, there's nothing wrong with waiting a bit before going through your father in law's things. I know from having to do that myself, it just makes the loss more real and permanent.

Hugs to you and your husband.

 

[denice]

I am so sorry. I agree, unless it is a big crunch for money take your time. It is good that your husband can cry rather then the men don't cry way of dealing with it. When people do that the grief eventually comes out and it isn't in a sane healthy way.

 

[Margret]

denice is right; grieving is important work and it's good to know that your husband is able and willing to do it.

There isn't much you can do to help your husband except to be there for him. Listen when he wants to talk; hold him when he needs to be held; make sure you have plenty of tissues available for him. And let him know that you loved his father too — that's a way to honor his father and validate your husband's grief.



Assuming that the financial need is urgent, is there someone you could get to help you with the photography? Maybe a friend who lives nearby?

Margret

 

[neely]

I'm deeply sorry for your loss, grief takes control of our emotions in so many different ways but nonetheless it's never easy. Please express my heartfelt sympathies to your husband and family. I understand how time consuming it will be for you to sort through the items and try to sell them for your M-I-L. Would it be easier to have a yard sale for some of the things to alleviate having to photograph and list all the items? Once again, my sincere condolences to your husband and you.

 

[Winchester]

I am so very sorry; your husband is really hurting. I'm glad he has you.

When my parents downsized, my sister and I had a yard sale for their things. We gave all the money to them. Later on, after Dad died and then Mom, we tore their apartment down and did another yard sale to get rid of the things we didn't want. It is a lot of work.
When Rick's dad passed and his mom went into assisted living, they decided to do an estate auction. That, too, was a lot of work, but we did manage to get rid of a lot of things for his mom.

For some of your FIL's things, I'm sure you can get more money on eBay. And I'm not sure how you'd consider a yard sale due to Covid. But it is a thought.

My sympathy to your DH and to your MIL. And for you, too.

 

[Jem]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to put out there, about having a yard sale...
While it may be a great idea, I just wanted you to consider asking your husband and discussing it more thoroughly.
I know from experience, that sometimes, a yard sale, while it might seem easier due to having it "done and over with" more quickly. Having random strangers pilfer thru personal belongings, sometimes in careless manners, when there is a very high emotional tie to them, or grieving is still raw, can be difficult to process.
It may be more work, but at least with posting individual items, there is a bit more of a personal interaction and you can expect that the people who contact you are at least interested in the item and not just "snooping". And on a more one on one basis, it's not quite as overwhelming getting rid of things.
Of course this is all dependent on everyone's individual opinion/experience/emotional state...but I just wanted to provide a different perspective..

 

[margecat]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to put out there, about having a yard sale...
While it may be a great idea, I just wanted you to consider asking your husband and discussing it more thoroughly.
I know from experience, that sometimes, a yard sale, while it might seem easier due to having it "done and over with" more quickly. Having random strangers pilfer thru personal belongings, sometimes in careless manners, when there is a very high emotional tie to them, or grieving is still raw, can be difficult to process.
It may be more work, but at least with posting individual items, there is a bit more of a personal interaction and you can expect that the people who contact you are at least interested in the item and not just "snooping". And on a more one on one basis, it's not quite as overwhelming getting rid of things.
Of course this is all dependent on everyone's individual opinion/experience/emotional state...but I just wanted to provide a different perspective..

He hates doing yard sales. I had suggested it before, but he doesn't want to. We've had them before, made very little money, and had rude people throwing the items around. And I suburn (even in the shade) severely, so I'm not crazy about doing one, either. Tools, though, did sell at our last one--he made a lot more money than I did! But, now that we have FB, I can still have people come here--just for porch pick-up. That's how I normally sell my stuff and the jewelry that I make.

 

[artiemom]

Oh margecat I am so sorry.. my heart is breaking for your husband.. and his mom... So so so sorry.. I do not have any words of advice.. just (((hugs)))

I know you do not want the boxes lying round, staring at you.. It may even make your husband more upset... Are you sure there is nothing in there that he may want?
Can you take the boxes down the cellar? Just for a little bit of time.. It may give you all some time to decompress.. and adjust to things..

If your MIL is not in need of finances, then this may be a good idea.. This could be an extra little bit of a 'gift' from DIL, to her. ....

There will be a time, when you are all ready to sell things.. now, may not be the time..

I left my moms things for a while. My dad was upset.. He wanted things gone.. When my dad died, I donated a ton of things to the Church and Salvation Army. I did the same with my mom's stuff..

My dad's, I did within a few weeks.. a month the most.. It was heartbreaking, yet, finding so many parts of his past... I wish he was around so I could ask him things about them... but it had to be done.

There were so many times, I was tempted to go to the Salvation Army store; to see if I could find some things, and buy them back... but I resisted...

Again, ((HUGS)) and my sympathies...

 

[Tobermory]

I won't hold yard sales any more either. Horrible experience. But when we downsized and moved in the fall of 2019, I listed items for sale using Nextdoor (nextdoor.com), kind of an online neighborhood community hub, and it worked really well. My brother used it successfully in Southern California, too, to sell several things when they moved.