Trouble Bonding

[Dusky]

Hello all. I signed up for this site after a difficult morning admitting to my fiancé and myself that I’m just not getting along with our kitten. If that sounds assanine, believe me, I hear myself saying I resent our baby kitty and I feel completely done with myself, but it is just honestly how I feel.

So, to explain the situation, she’s the fourth cat I’ve ever had. My first cat I was very young and we had to rehome her with a family friend because when I was little I had allergies. My second, Yuki, was my absolute baby. She was a precious adopted kitten who turned out to be deaf, but had this huge personality. Unfortunately, while I was staying with my dad and my mom was watching her there was an incident with Yuki hurting our dog and she returned her, which devastated me.

Finally you have Johan. Johan was technically my fiancé’s cat, but... oh my god. He was the best cat. We found him and his sister wandering in the street as tiny kittens and got the privilege of 9 glorious years with that goofball before he suddenly started having trouble breathing a few months ago and just like that, one of my best friends was snatched away from me. I said Yuki devastated me but losing Johan took a piece of me. I’ve been ill with an autoimmune disease for the last 6 years and Johan and me just hung out constantly. If I didn’t get up during the day he’d cry until I let him in. Some days I would get sick and fall, I’d wake up and he’d be curled up laying next to me, purring softly.

So I have two small dogs, and they’re pure sunshine, but the hole left behind by our cat was one I was just reeling from and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that we should adopt a kitten. I love animals and I think adopting from animal shelters is a great way to help out and enrich your life, but I can’t stress enough that in my current mental state and physical state what a stupid decision this was.

Still, we decided to pick out a kitten and adopted Artemis. She’s a beautiful, adorable little kitten. It was my idea to get her. I picked her name. I picked her. I brought her home. And at first her and I got along great. She was so cute and all cuddles. She wanted to be on me all the time, and I loved that. I wanted that. My fiancé was complaining though that because I was with her all day she wasn’t bonding with him. So I backed off and let them bond.

And they did. Now she adores him. Only him. She doesn’t hate me or anything. She just runs away if I get too close. She doesn’t like petting, being held, or cuddling. She never sits on me. She likes it if I feed her and she’ll come play if I use a toy but... that’s it. If I ignore her she ignores me. She’ll choose my fiancé, the dogs, the drapes, a pile of dvds... anything over interacting with me. If I have to pick her up to move her she shreds me. I realize this sounds like being mad at a cat for being a cat but... I just don’t know how to feel about living with an animal I can’t be close to.

The longer I have her the more I feel guilty, too. Animals deserve love and affection. She doesn’t deserve to have a wicked stepmom sighing over everything she does. I want to love her but I can’t shake this feeling that we never should have adopted her in the first place. It’s all my fault and I don’t know how to fix it.

If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. Please know that when I talk about resentment it’s more how I feel seeing the cat, I don’t literally blame her. She’s a good kitten, she hasn’t done anything wrong, I just don’t know how to fix the hole in my heart.

 

[Furballsmom]

I just don’t know how to fix the hole in my heart.

Try spraying your clothing with a calming product spray. Try the two of you playing with her. Try some holy basil, and L-tryptophan, and maybe these incredible people;

Day By Day Caregiver Support Inc. – Providing compassionate support for the grief that comes before, during and after the loss of a pet

Not sure about fault here, --How does your fiancée feel about her now?

How do you feel about getting a second kitten?

 

[verna davies]

Cats have a strong sense of smell so try wearing something that has the smell of your boyfriend, an item of his clothing that he has worn such as a dressing gown. As Furballsmom . said, both of you playing with her. You dont say how old she is or how long you have had her. Kittens change, so if she is young, she may not always be like this. Dont give up yet, be patient.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Part of this is that you are missing Johan, and wanting SO much for little Artemis to BE another Johan. And that's so natural, and SO human. However, it will get in the way of Artemis making her own place, in her own time. AND she senses your frustration, as well. Cats are very, very good at that. Furballsmom and V verna davies both gave you excellent advice. You might also try some relaxation/meditation techniques before dealing with her, to get you as relaxed as possible. Try for some Zen, being interested but unattached to the idea of being close to her...totally open to it, but not dependent on it...And be patient. Give this time. Kittens are a bit fickle as they explore their universe. She may just sense that your boyfriend's energy levels are higher, as are hers right now.

 

[Dusky]

Thank you so much for your advice! I will give these a try, I think they’re great ideas. I’m thinking that maybe I can even create a good area of interest for her.

She usually eats upstairs and then when she comes down I have to scramble to clean up dog food so she doesn’t get into it. I’m thinking now it would be fun to bring down her food, her favorite blanket, and some toys and try giving her a good play, and then feeding her in the area we gather in, rather than letting her wander around. I’ll give it a try tomorrow and let everyone know how it goes. I’ll also make an effort to get some calming smells so that maybe when she does calm down she feels I’m more approachable.

Also, I hope it didn’t come off like I was blaming my fiancé. I generally only like to talk about my perspective so I was just kind of trying to explain how things went from fine to difficult and resentful, but while it’s hard having switched places, it’s not his fault. He adores her and is super guilty that we’re not getting along. We’re determined to make it work though. We talked about it yesterday and if there’s anything I can do to make the situation better I’ll do that before I even consider finding her another family. Also I should mention giving her to a shelter is not an option imo. I would rather she just be his cat than betray her like that.

 

[verna davies]

You are obviously a very caring person and will do whatever it takes to bond with this kitty. Just throwing some things out here but does she get on with the dog. Maybe the smell of the dog on you us upsetting her. Does your boyfriend interact with the dog as much as you.
You have good ideas so try them out and let us know how you get on. Cats are really stubborn and do things when they want to never mind what you want so go at her pace. Good luck

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Also, I hope it didn’t come off like I was blaming my fiancé.

Absolutely, NO, it did not come off that way, at all. Hang in there. You have good instincts, you know. You really do, and some good ideas to implement those instincts, as well! And we're with you every step of the way!

 

[Dusky]

Hi everyone! Thought I would post an update today!

Pleased to report the blanket idea is going great! As soon as we brought it downstairs she rolled all over it and got really cuddly and excited to have a spot in the living room that smelled like her. We had a lot of fun playing, I got her an extendable wand toy a while back with plastic feathers on the end (it’s a Jackson Galaxy toy) that she loves so we played with that and her laser pointer for a good while. She seems a little nervous about eating down here, but is still giving it a shot.

My sister in law had a great idea too, which was to use a little spray bottle when she goes after things she shouldn’t. As it is I’m used to disciplining dogs, who respond to commands and get kind of exasperated when that gets me nowhere, so having a tool to keep her out of things without having to come get her is a godsend. I feel already like this will help her see me as someone who approaches her for good things and not a scary person who punishes her.

To answer your question she actually adores the dogs. We introduced all of them when we first brought her home and she’s surprisingly gentle with them, especially my senior dog. She comes right over to greet them every time she sees them though. Usually if she comes to me it’s because the dogs are on me.

She’s becoming more curious about me though and it’s fun seeing her come out and explore. We have cat furniture that Johan barely used because he was quite a bit larger, but Artemis has started climbing up and down it, which is really fun to watch. As I’m typing this she came and laid on the couch next to my fiancé for the first time (she usually sticks to the corners of the room when she’s down here) so I can tell she’s becoming more comfortable.

I’m really glad we talked about it, admitted things weren’t going well, and asked for help because your advice and a little extra attention and effort has made such a big difference. I’ll post another update with developments, I’m just going to be patient and let her be herself. She’s never going to be like Johan, but our relationship can still be close in its own way.

 

[verna davies]

I'm really pleased to hear this news. The bond will get stronger between you. Well done.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi!
Good for you, and her!!
Not to throw a wrench into things, but if you have a chance you might take a look at this;
5 Reasons To Never Spray Water On Your Cat

 

[Mamanyt1953]

However, a GOOD replacement for the water bottle is a can with marbles or pebbles in it...just give it a good rattle when she goes after things that she isn't supposed to. The noise will startle her, without her ever associating the water with YOU. One of those times when what's sauce for the dog isn't necessarily sauce for the cat.

 

[ashenshugar]

I've found disciplining by telling them no in a very harsh deep voice (not loud, screaming, or other) but just deep, barratone, hard voice tends to work wonders. It startles the cat, you look them in the eye sometimes get up and they know they did bad and go away. After a few times, the 'deep voice' becomes instinctive to them to know they've been bad, but your normal voice is fine to them.

Besides, I own a Norwegian forest cat. If I sprayed water at him (I wouldn't) he'd think it'd be a fantastic game. He loves water. Joins me in the shower whenever he can.

 

[rosegold]

I’m just going to be patient and let her be herself. She’s never going to be like Johan, but our relationship can still be close in its own way.

This is such a wonderful mindset to have and I’m so glad to hear things are improving!

I really deeply resonated with your post and wanted to share my experience. I lost my “heart kitty” Chai unexpectedly in December. We had bonded instantly, as soon as I saw her, and were extremely close. She was more like a soulmate than a cat... It completely broke me and honestly I am still very much in the grieving process. She died from FIP at a very young age, when she should’ve lived with me for years and years, so it was a huge and horrible shock and smashed all the hopes and dreams I had for a life with her. I got a new kitten, Clove, shortly after, hoping it would heal my heart. I was so upset and feeling the need to cuddle and give love to a little creature. Let me preface by saying I love Clove and she is staying with me forever... but oh my goodness, sometimes she makes me question if I will ever get a kitten again! Chai was very sweet, gentle, well behaved, mild mannered and shy, and all she wanted was to be pet and purr at you for hours. My other cat Chilli is also extremely sweet and calm. Clove on the other hand is a hyperactive nightmare teenager who is noisy, annoying, demanding, intense, rarely wants to cuddle or be pet, won’t sit still, destroys things constantly, refuses to let me sleep, and when she’s bored goes into the bathroom and knocks every item off the counter while wailing for my attention. She is adorable, but she drives me insane sometimes!

Bonding with her has been very hard. More times than I’d like to admit, when I’m woken up sleep-deprived for the millionth time at 5am by a crazy kitten literally climbing the walls, I wish I could snap my fingers and get my Chai back instead. Sometimes I lose my patience and often I cry. Sometimes I wonder why she can’t just be more like Chai. Even though I told myself I was going to just love the new kitten for who she is and not compare to to Chai, some comparison is inevitable, and despite Clove’s physical resemblance to her, the Chai-shaped hole in my heart remains empty. But I know that’s not fair to Clove. She may be a nuisance for now, but she is who she is!

Very slowly our bond has grown stronger. I am doing my best to always respect her physical boundaries. Even when I want to cuddle her, I don’t force her and I let her go when she wiggles. I have noticed a big improvement in our relationship since mindfully doing that. I make a point of giving her special treats, lots of playtime, talking to her constantly, and taking lots of photos of her. If I feel frustrated or upset with her and her wild behavior (which can be quite often!), I try to take a moment to step back and calm myself before interacting with her so that she always trusts me and can count on me. She is not Chai and never will be. But I try to think of how Chai would’ve treated her... gently, kindly, playfully, and with unconditional love.

 

[Furballsmom]