Today Is Exactly One Month....

[artiemom]

Today is exactly one month since I last held and kissed Artie, for the last time: May 23, 2018...
I miss my love..

How have I been.. well, not good... I am lost without Artie~~ really lost..

The problem is the endless empty time I have. Artie took up a ton of my day; between his meds, taking care of him, his company, his following me around, talking to him, playing with him, Artie's keeping me company -- no matter what I did around here.. even shredding papers.

I would be sitting on the floor, in his room-- in front of the shredder.. He would be right next to me, on the first level of his cat tree, supervising... I would periodically stop, pat, him, talk to him~~ seriously, he answered me and kept me company... I miss that...

I have some better days.. I will not say 'good days'.. I will say better days.. Better because I do not tear up..

I decided to go back to volunteering at the rescue shelter.. I did one re-acclimation shift, and one shift on my own. It is at PetSmart.

I stop into PS at least once or twice a week, to look at the kitties.. I know most of the staff, so they can unlock the adoption area for me...but I always seem to go when the staff is busy or the kitties are very contentedly, sleeping..

Due to scheduling and a bridal shower I have to attend; it will be at lest 3-4 weeks before I can pick up another shift... I need my kitty fix.. I really do...

There was one kitten there.. Grey and white.. He had so much of Artie's personality.. I could not believe it.. Yes, we talked to each other, he reached out to grab me.. he wanted attention.. all I could think of: "This is what Artie was like as a kitten--10 months old". His name even began with an A ~~ Aries... I fell in love with him... and he was having poop issues also... NO>..NO>> NO!!!
The coincidences were unbelievable, in my mind....

But I am NOT ready.. NOT at all... I am still grieving.. I mean it...

I miss Artie so much.. I miss his company, his love... his companionship.. I get so lonely...

Important: I do not want to adopt, just because I am lonely, and still grieving.. I want to adopt when I am over this grief.. and can devote my full self to a new cat... also, my rent went up hundreds of dollars, so thinking about adopting now, is a fantasy...

I need time to kind of 'get my head together"... even though, a kitty would be awesome.. but not now...

The strange thing: During Artie's last episode, my printer was not working~~ not making copies of anything. I use it a lot for stuff. Suddenly, on Thursday afternoon, the thought shot into my mind, to try it. I put it on; for some strange reason, it was printing/copying!!!

I ran out to Staples, to buy some picture printing paper.

Friday Morning, I printed up a few pictures of Artie.. Friday afternoon, I ran to Walmart, to get a couple of frames... Friday afternoon, I was able to put together a few pictures...

Today, I ran out for a couple more frames, 8 x 10.. I need my Artie... my soul kitty...

Kept myself busy all morning with cleaning.. After going to Walmart, this afternoon, I felt as if I HAD to go to PetSmart for a kitty fix. The volunteer was so kind.. she let me cry.. she listened to me.. she even made me pick up, cuddle one of the sweetest cats. I ended up crying on this cat.. but Silk did not mind my tears.. she kept coming over for love.. and to give love...

I swear the cats know... I really do mean it...

This week, I also received my order of a cremains key change... I am not using cremains.. but I have filled it with a piece of litter and some of Artie's Fur... I superglued the top.. Artie is always with me.. no matter where I go...

Strange... when I took the stairs to Angell, the keychain started bouncing around a ton.. weird.. it kept hitting my knee, while I was driving...
The same thing happened on Friday, when I was approaching my apartment building. The fire department was there, for a false alarm. I could not enter my parking area; having to park on the next street.. but Artie was bouncing around on my knee...

anyway...

I am ok...
just really missing him.. and pretty much doubting myself for not trying things a little longer...
Did I act too soon??? I think I will always have that doubt... I am thinking that is a more selfish kind of thought/regret: because I miss him so much, perhaps I am wanting to feel guilty because I MAY have acted too soon?? by shortening the time we could have had; if I had waited... But NO, Artie was in pain.. he really was.. he was crying.. he was vocalizing, in rooms, as to his pain.. he could not understand what was happening to him.. He could not even trust me at times.. because of all the 'bad' things I was doing...

Sorry, Anniversaries, really get to me... especially the first ones...

Here is the way Artie will be with me, wherever I go:


I will leave with a couple of the pictures I printed:



Thank you for listening to me and for all the support you have given me. I am very appreciative of it...
love

 

[rgwanner]

Do not doubt that you acted too soon. I have had to let go several cats and a dog. If the cat is in pain and there is nothing else to do you made the right call Sometimes cat parents keep their cats alive for too long but it is just for the parent. Letting the cat go is the last thing you can do for them.
When you are financially able consider giving another cat a home. Not to replace Artie but to save another cat who needs a home. You will know when the time is right. Probably the right cat will find you.
I lost my Opie 13years ago and I still miss her but I have rescued other cats that I love.

 

[Kat0121]

I think it's great that you are volunteering at Petsmart. It's baby steps. You can visit with the kitties and if it gets to be too much, you can go home and take a breather. Your heart knows what is best for you.Sometimes our heads try to convince us otherwise because you "should" do this or you "should" be feeling "that". Tell your head to be quiet and listen to your heart.

Take as much time as you need. Artie will always be with you. He's so proud of you. Proud of how strong you are and even more so of how you are still so willing to share your love and friendship with kitties who need you even while you grieve.

No, Silk did not mind your tears. Cats understand. They are so intuitive. She knew you needed her.

I've said this before but it bears repeating. Go visit the kitties when you feel up to it. Artie is watching and he will find the perfect one for you. When he does, he will guide you to each other. He'll find that special one and whisper in their ear, "See her? She's the best mom ever! HURRY! Go introduce yourself!! Take good care of her and give her lots of snuggles and kisses for me".

He wants you to be happy. He also wants another lucky kitty to be able to experience the wonderful life that he had. That's how they are. He knows that the bond that the two of you share is unbreakable, unshakable and irreplaceable but at the same time he knows that there is still room in your heart for another and that will never take anything away from what you two still- and always will- share. When is the "right" time? Your heart (and Artie) will tell you.

 

[dustydiamond1]

Today is exactly one month since I last held and kissed Artie, for the last time: May 23, 2018...
I miss my love..

How have I been.. well, not good... I am lost without Artie~~ really lost..

The problem is the endless empty time I have. Artie took up a ton of my day; between his meds, taking care of him, his company, his following me around, talking to him, playing with him, Artie's keeping me company -- no matter what I did around here.. even shredding papers.

I would be sitting on the floor, in his room-- in front of the shredder.. He would be right next to me, on the first level of his cat tree, supervising... I would periodically stop, pat, him, talk to him~~ seriously, he answered me and kept me company... I miss that...

I have some better days.. I will not say 'good days'.. I will say better days.. Better because I do not tear up..

I decided to go back to volunteering at the rescue shelter.. I did one re-acclimation shift, and one shift on my own. It is at PetSmart.

I stop into PS at least once or twice a week, to look at the kitties.. I know most of the staff, so they can unlock the adoption area for me...but I always seem to go when the staff is busy or the kitties are very contentedly, sleeping..

Due to scheduling and a bridal shower I have to attend; it will be at lest 3-4 weeks before I can pick up another shift... I need my kitty fix.. I really do...

There was one kitten there.. Grey and white.. He had so much of Artie's personality.. I could not believe it.. Yes, we talked to each other, he reached out to grab me.. he wanted attention.. all I could think of: "This is what Artie was like as a kitten--10 months old". His name even began with an A ~~ Aries... I fell in love with him... and he was having poop issues also... NO>..NO>> NO!!!
The coincidences were unbelievable, in my mind....

But I am NOT ready.. NOT at all... I am still grieving.. I mean it...

I miss Artie so much.. I miss his company, his love... his companionship.. I get so lonely...

Important: I do not want to adopt, just because I am lonely, and still grieving.. I want to adopt when I am over this grief.. and can devote my full self to a new cat... also, my rent went up hundreds of dollars, so thinking about adopting now, is a fantasy...

I need time to kind of 'get my head together"... even though, a kitty would be awesome.. but not now...

The strange thing: During Artie's last episode, my printer was not working~~ not making copies of anything. I use it a lot for stuff. Suddenly, on Thursday afternoon, the thought shot into my mind, to try it. I put it on; for some strange reason, it was printing/copying!!!

I ran out to Staples, to buy some picture printing paper.

Friday Morning, I printed up a few pictures of Artie.. Friday afternoon, I ran to Walmart, to get a couple of frames... Friday afternoon, I was able to put together a few pictures...

Today, I ran out for a couple more frames, 8 x 10.. I need my Artie... my soul kitty...

Kept myself busy all morning with cleaning.. After going to Walmart, this afternoon, I felt as if I HAD to go to PetSmart for a kitty fix. The volunteer was so kind.. she let me cry.. she listened to me.. she even made me pick up, cuddle one of the sweetest cats. I ended up crying on this cat.. but Silk did not mind my tears.. she kept coming over for love.. and to give love...

I swear the cats know... I really do mean it...

This week, I also received my order of a cremains key change... I am not using cremains.. but I have filled it with a piece of litter and some of Artie's Fur... I superglued the top.. Artie is always with me.. no matter where I go...

Strange... when I took the stairs to Angell, the keychain started bouncing around a ton.. weird.. it kept hitting my knee, while I was driving...
The same thing happened on Friday, when I was approaching my apartment building. The fire department was there, for a false alarm. I could not enter my parking area; having to park on the next street.. but Artie was bouncing around on my knee...

anyway...

I am ok...
just really missing him.. and pretty much doubting myself for not trying things a little longer...
Did I act too soon??? I think I will always have that doubt... I am thinking that is a more selfish kind of thought/regret: because I miss him so much, perhaps I am wanting to feel guilty because I MAY have acted too soon?? by shortening the time we could have had; if I had waited... But NO, Artie was in pain.. he really was.. he was crying.. he was vocalizing, in rooms, as to his pain.. he could not understand what was happening to him.. He could not even trust me at times.. because of all the 'bad' things I was doing...

Sorry, Anniversaries, really get to me... especially the first ones...

Here is the way Artie will be with me, wherever I go:
View attachment 238282

I will leave with a couple of the pictures I printed:

View attachment 238284 View attachment 238285

Thank you for listening to me and for all the support you have given me. I am very appreciative of it...
love

You did not act to soon, Artie was in constant pain. Sometimes the greatest gift of love we can give them is to free them from suffering and Artie was suffering very much. Please stop second guessing yourself. The charm is a beautiful way to keep him close. Love the pictures thanks for sharing with us. Take care and keep checking in with us.

 

[micknsnicks2mom]

...sending you 's...

 

[catloverlady]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss but you did not act too soon, you made the right choice even if it was hard. It's not a good thing to let a cat suffer. I feel your pain though because I had to get my cat euthanized in November of last year cause she was in great pain and going downhill super fast with cancer. It's never easy and I told my self never again will I get another cat because I can't find one that could ever replace her. However, I knew when I finally was ready. My heart was so lonely without a cat around as well but I had to do it when I was ready and when the right one came along.

 

[AbbysMom]

and pretty much doubting myself for not trying things a little longer...
Did I act too soon??? I think I will always have that doubt... I am thinking that is a more selfish kind of thought/regret: because I miss him so much, perhaps I am wanting to feel guilty because I MAY have acted too soon?? by shortening the time we could have had; if I had waited... But NO, Artie was in pain.. he really was.. he was crying.. he was vocalizing, in rooms, as to his pain.. he could not understand what was happening to him.. He could not even trust me at times.. because of all the 'bad' things I was doing...

No matter what when these things happen we have doubts, but you did the best you could for Artie and made decisions that were best for him.

 

[misterwhiskers]

Oooh, I’m so sorry.

 

[neely]

I miss Artie so much.. I miss his company, his love... his companionship.. I get so lonely...

I understand, really I do. I think the loneliness is the toughest part to get through on a daily basis but I hope in time you will find more things to fill up your schedule. Nothing wrong with getting your kitty fix, I understand that too. Seeing their cute faces, stroking their soft fur and, if you're lucky, hearing them purr is comforting.

I know I've said it before but it bears repeating, we are all here for you, night or day. We're not going anywhere so write whenever you feel the urge. Artie was an extra ordinary cat and confidant, we miss him too.

P.S. Thank you for the precious pictures of Artie.

 

[donutte]

I've wondered about you and Artie. I've thought about you both a bit more after going through my own issues with Maple. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

If ever a cat in this world was loved and cared for by a human, that cat was Artie. Never doubt yourself, not for one minute. You did what was best for him, at the cost of your own heart breaking.

If ever a human in this world was loved by a cat, that was you. Never doubt that, either. Arie adored you, and trusted you to do what was right...not easy, but right, and you upheld that trust.

I love you.

 

[artiemom]

thank you... but, right now... in this moment; I miss Artie so much...
sometimes I feel that I contributed, and accelerated his death, by giving him treats... treats, because he was such a good boy; loving me, taking care of me, when I was at one of my worst points in my life..... what did I do?

In reality, I know, there is nothing more I could have done for him.. his allergy to chicken, his food fussiness, his IBD & MegaColon, did him in.... He was sick--- losing fur from his chicken allergy--- refusing all other food, never getting his constipation issues under control...

In many points, Artie did not help things along... by being so fussy with his food; He made things worse for him--and me.........

He knew what he wanted; even though it was the worse for him...

He really gave up, when he got the first re-dose of lactulose-- after such a long period of time without it....

I noticed the change in his demeanor, immediately... He chose to aspirate the lactulose---he hated it so much... after that his fighting spirit seemed to have left.. It was that apparent...

I still miss him.. he was my 'guy'....

I suppose I am ok... but I do miss him at home... I really do.. my family does not understand.. only one friend does.. but I miss Artie.. not just the company-- the emptiness of the apartment is overwhelming..

But, Artie had a special personality...
He was such a character.. such a large personality.. OMG.. never fully appreciated this... but now I do...

Artie was not only my baby... he was my love... my companion..
sounds so weird.. but, it is true.. unconditional love is nothing to fool with.. now I understand it....

I am ok... I just have my 'moments'... this is one of them.. I just went through all my pictures of him... remembering.. loving him....still......and always....

I will be ok... I will go on... but... it is so weird, without having Artie in my life.. really weird... no one to cuddle with, to sit on my lap, to be with me in bed, to wake me up, to talk to, to have a conversation with, to greet me at the door when I come home... just no one... Artie was a larger than life cat....

thank you for reading this....

 

[Shane Kent]

I miss our first cats very much to this day. I also lived in an apartment with my wife and our two boys Zaren and Kane. They were our kids. It never goes away, I will always wish I could pick them up or have Zaren greet me home with a Meowello. I swear he really tried hard to say hello.

I thought of how I could have done things differently and kept them longer but in the end they both had wonderful lives. They lived closely with my wife and I, lots of attention. Unlike so many kitties out there they got smothered in attention which I am sure was the same for Artie. He probably wouldn't trade his treat time with his mommy for anything in the world. It is all about them being happy while they are with us as they cannot be with us forever.

It gets a bit better over time and you are best to put photos up and try to think more of your time with him. And I think more than one friend understand what you are going through as I am sure you have friends on TCS as I know I do.

 

[weebeasties]

Did I act too soon??? I think I will always have that doubt... I am thinking that is a more selfish kind of thought/regret: because I miss him so much, perhaps I am wanting to feel guilty because I MAY have acted too soon?? by shortening the time we could have had; if I had waited... But NO, Artie was in pain.. he really was.. he was crying.. he was vocalizing, in rooms, as to his pain.. he could not understand what was happening to him.. He could not even trust me at times.. because of all the 'bad' things I was doing...

Sorry, Anniversaries, really get to me... especially the first ones...

Here is the way Artie will be with me, wherever I go:
View attachment 238282

I will leave with a couple of the pictures I printed:

View attachment 238284 View attachment 238285

Thank you for listening to me and for all the support you have given me. I am very appreciative of it...
love

I usually avoid anything about crossing the bridge. Too painful. But Artie was so special, I had to read his story. I have refrained from commenting because others have said much better things I would like to convey. I know your grief and there are no words to take away the heartache or to express the deep sympathy I have for your loss.

I read your words about wondering if you acted too soon. Maybe I can offer a bit of comfort there.

Shady was my soulmate. He really was. At the age of 14 he was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. We fought hard. After his vets had given up I continued to fight. I tried experimental treatments, a multitude of vets. I took out loans I am still paying off 10 years later. It didn't matter. I would have sold my SOUL to save him. All the while, he grew sicker. More frail. In pain. On a feeding tube for months.
I finally accepted the cancer had won but I couldn't say goodbye. I didn't know how to live without him. I continued giving him hospice care for quite a while until one day he was crying in pain so badly I took him to the vet the next day and ended his misery.

It wasn't until long after that I looked at photos I had taken of him in his last month. I couldn't believe how bad he looked. I guess my brain would not accept what my eyes were seeing when he was alive. I always saw him as my beautiful boy. I was so deep in denial. When I looked at those pictures I felt like a monster. How could I have waited so long when he was so sick and in pain? My only excuse is that I couldn't see it because of my "love goggles" and my only solace was that I know he forgives me because he was the most loving being I have ever known.

When trying to decide when is the "right time" it is often said "Better a day too early than an hour too late." That is very true. I know. I will live with the guilt to the end of my days.

Please don't question your decision. You showed incredible strength and love at the right time. You showered him with devotion for your entire journey together. His life was undoubtedly extended and happier because of your excellent care and his passing made immeasurably easier by your merciful act of love.

Please be well and know others are holding you in thier hearts.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

sometimes I feel that I contributed, and accelerated his death, by giving him treats... treats, because he was such a good boy; loving me, taking care of me, when I was at one of my worst points in my life..... what did I do?

Darlin, consider this when those thought venture in, if you could ask Artie, and Artie being Artie, I'm betting he would tell you, "I'd rather have had a shorter time on this earth with a bit of pleasure than a longer one without it. MY only regret is that my pleasure caused you pain. I love you, always. I am near."

 

[dustydiamond1]

I usually avoid anything about crossing the bridge. Too painful. But Artie was so special, I had to read his story. I have refrained from commenting because others have said much better things I would like to convey. I know your grief and there are no words to take away the heartache or to express the deep sympathy I have for your loss.

I read your words about wondering if you acted too soon. Maybe I can offer a bit of comfort there.

Shady was my soulmate. He really was. At the age of 14 he was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma. We fought hard. After his vets had given up I continued to fight. I tried experimental treatments, a multitude of vets. I took out loans I am still paying off 10 years later. It didn't matter. I would have sold my SOUL to save him. All the while, he grew sicker. More frail. In pain. On a feeding tube for months.
I finally accepted the cancer had won but I couldn't say goodbye. I didn't know how to live without him. I continued giving him hospice care for quite a while until one day he was crying in pain so badly I took him to the vet the next day and ended his misery.

It wasn't until long after that I looked at photos I had taken of him in his last month. I couldn't believe how bad he looked. I guess my brain would not accept what my eyes were seeing when he was alive. I always saw him as my beautiful boy. I was so deep in denial. When I looked at those pictures I felt like a monster. How could I have waited so long when he was so sick and in pain? My only excuse is that I couldn't see it because of my "love goggles" and my only solace was that I know he forgives me because he was the most loving being I have ever known.

When trying to decide when is the "right time" it is often said "Better a day too early than an hour too late." That is very true. I know. I will live with the guilt to the end of my days.

Please don't question your decision. You showed incredible strength and love at the right time. You showered him with devotion for your entire journey together. His life was undoubtedly extended and happier because of your excellent care and his passing made immeasurably easier by your merciful act of love.

Please be well and know others are holding you in thier hearts.

 

[dustydiamond1]

thank you... but, right now... in this moment; I miss Artie so much...
sometimes I feel that I contributed, and accelerated his death, by giving him treats... treats, because he was such a good boy; loving me, taking care of me, when I was at one of my worst points in my life..... what did I do?

In reality, I know, there is nothing more I could have done for him.. his allergy to chicken, his food fussiness, his IBD & MegaColon, did him in.... He was sick--- losing fur from his chicken allergy--- refusing all other food, never getting his constipation issues under control...

In many points, Artie did not help things along... by being so fussy with his food; He made things worse for him--and me.........

He knew what he wanted; even though it was the worse for him...

He really gave up, when he got the first re-dose of lactulose-- after such a long period of time without it....

I noticed the change in his demeanor, immediately... He chose to aspirate the lactulose---he hated it so much... after that his fighting spirit seemed to have left.. It was that apparent...

I still miss him.. he was my 'guy'....

I suppose I am ok... but I do miss him at home... I really do.. my family does not understand.. only one friend does.. but I miss Artie.. not just the company-- the emptiness of the apartment is overwhelming..

But, Artie had a special personality...
He was such a character.. such a large personality.. OMG.. never fully appreciated this... but now I do...

Artie was not only my baby... he was my love... my companion..
sounds so weird.. but, it is true.. unconditional love is nothing to fool with.. now I understand it....

I am ok... I just have my 'moments'... this is one of them.. I just went through all my pictures of him... remembering.. loving him....still......and always....

I will be ok... I will go on... but... it is so weird, without having Artie in my life.. really weird... no one to cuddle with, to sit on my lap, to be with me in bed, to wake me up, to talk to, to have a conversation with, to greet me at the door when I come home... just no one... Artie was a larger than life cat....

thank you for reading this....

 

[MoochNNoodles]

 

[Docs Mom]

I too know what it is like to miss your kitty..... I talk to my Rainbow kids every night before I go to sleep. They stay right with me that way.

I hope that you can come to some peace soon and realize that Artie is still with you...

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Sending lots and lots of love your way today.