To Gremlin

[NadiaRey]

Really, thank you. I'm glad you could talk about Mia here. Talk freely. Honestly, you're making me feel very understood. I can't explain how much your experience resonates with me... like:

- The "It's a lot of emotions to feel and they will go all over the place daily." - ah, dude, you're describing me so perfectly. I'm a weird mess of medium-ups and bottom-downs right now.

- The time machine part? lol, not me, I'm not going to call you insane. Not when I myself keep considering it. More precisely, when the hurt gets too big, I get to a point where I think the only way I'll feel better is if I make a honest attempt at solving it. But because the only way to solve it is to go back in time and change it, I keep thinking I should seriously make an attempt to develop time-traveling powers. Yeah, like it sounds: I'm literally expecting to develop some sort of power at this point... But it's gotten to a point where sometimes it feels like I need to think like that. That, even if I fail (and... duh), I should try anyways; that's the logic it follows. For my peace of mind. (That said, if you figure out a way to go back in time, do let me know X'D)

Honestly, I'm a bit jealous for your friends, though. When I mentioned this to two people I know, both answered something along the lines of "don't be stupid". ...they could have been a bit more gentle, right? lol...

- The "I hold myself and the oncologist just as responsible" - I feel this so much. With Sueño it was even worse, because I kept making excuses for the vets while I kept blaming everything on me. In the end, and years later, I learned to share the blame. But still, the one I always blame the most is me (quite a grievous thing considering the oncologist committed literal malpractice...) . This time with Gremlin, I managed to split the blame more evenly, lol. Because the mistakes I made (the very dumb thing about forgetting the option of doing a bacterial culture on the infected tooth, and underestimating a problem instead of learning about it (low iron and potassium), and not figuring out the issue with his eating) could have been prevented by the vets as well, had they been paying attention... but theirs mistakes? I blame myself for letting them take choices that, from the begining, felt wrong. And I told them why, and I was ignored. (.... I was extremely ignored even in other circumstances, now I think about it...)

But that's the thing: I should have put my foot down, that's the part that I blame myself for the most. I don't know why I was such a wimp. For that, I'll never forgive myself. Not sure if I should.

- And last but not least, the not making a tribute yet for Mia... I never made one for Sueño. That was back in 2019. Sure, almost immediately, Gremlin started entering FIV crisis, and I had to deal with the new circumstances almost immediately. And it's not like I forgot: I cried almost every day for at least half a year for Sueño... But I didn't and now I feel bad I did not write anything... no, now that I think about it, I did write something - I just never posted it. I wonder why I never posted it. Strange, it's like I was a different person from back then, I can't follow my own logic.

Sorry, I'm being weird. I was supposed to just mention the funny coincidences and the feel I get from your words and it being a great help. I digressed a lot. Back on track now. I read your comment last night, actually. It helped me sleep - which is a lot considering. And I feel a little less alone - and that's a lot too. Knowing there's at least one other person in this world with a tiny bit as insane as I am gave me some very needed peace of mind XP So I wanted to thank you again. Really, thank you.

If you want to keep talking, about Mia or other, over here, feel free like I said. And if you are going to do that tribute one of these days, link me, please.
And I hope you feel better too.

 

[FeralHearts]

Really, thank you. I'm glad you could talk about Mia here. Talk freely. Honestly, you're making me feel very understood. I can't explain how much your experience resonates with me... like:

You're welcome, and thank you I appreciate that but I don't want to take over your thread. I wanted you to know that it wasn't "lip service" and that was the only way I knew how. It's fine in many cases to say "I get it" it's another thing to share experiences. XO I think it's important to do that. At least IMHO.

I absolutely promise you that you aren't alone. I can't count the number of people here that are on this same stormy ship. This same very painful path. Some you'd never know as they don't say it.

- The "It's a lot of emotions to feel and they will go all over the place daily." - ah, dude, you're describing me so perfectly. I'm a weird mess of medium-ups and bottom-downs right now.

This is going to be your new normal for a while. It's going to be messy and again, that's okay too. (I'll say that a lot lol) You'll be having a perfectly fine day and something will slap you unexpectedly right in the face and it will suck and it will hurt. 3 steps forward, 4 back, 2 steps forward 1 back and so on. Just remember, it's not a race and it takes whatever time it takes.

Another wise person here that there is no avoiding grief, the only way past is through and there is no shortcut. They are right. Unfortunately.

- The time machine part? lol, not me, I'm not going to call you insane. Not when I myself keep considering it. More precisely, when the hurt gets too big, I get to a point where I think the only way I'll feel better is if I make a honest attempt at solving it. But because the only way to solve it is to go back in time and change it, I keep thinking I should seriously make an attempt to develop time-traveling powers. Yeah, like it sounds: I'm literally expecting to develop some sort of power at this point... But it's gotten to a point where sometimes it feels like I need to think like that. That, even if I fail (and... duh), I should try anyways; that's the logic it follows. For my peace of mind. (That said, if you figure out a way to go back in time, do let me know X'D)

Our minds are pretty powerful things.

The reason we need to think that way is hope. Hope to be able to fix things - no matter how long a shot it is. I get that. I said to my friends that even if it's a .01% chance - I'll take it. You logic followed mine LOL.

In the past year I've tested, researched, looked into a lot in various ideas, some really out there and others more reasonable. I even went all the way through the Gateway Project at one point. I will say, if there is any mental illness or frailty in a person - don't try that one. I can see why there is warning about that before you begin it. You need to be seriously grounded as a person to try it. No joke.

If I figure it out - I will let you know for sure. So far, as expected, not much luck.

Honestly, I'm a bit jealous for your friends, though. When I mentioned this to two people I know, both answered something along the lines of "don't be stupid". ...they could have been a bit more gentle, right? lol...

Oh I have a few like that too and I agree, they could be more gentle. My own Mother expected me to be over it once I left the Vets office. Not kidding. She's not uncaring. I think she just didn't like to see me in pain and was helpless to make it better. Good Moms always just want to make things better. I think some friends are the same and they simply don't know how to get in to mud with you and just want to help pull you out - in their own way.

- The "I hold myself and the oncologist just as responsible" - I feel this so much. With Sueño it was even worse, because I kept making excuses for the vets while I kept blaming everything on me. In the end, and years later, I learned to share the blame. But still, the one I always blame the most is me (quite a grievous thing considering the oncologist committed literal malpractice...) . This time with Gremlin, I managed to split the blame more evenly, lol. Because the mistakes I made (the very dumb thing about forgetting the option of doing a bacterial culture on the infected tooth, and underestimating a problem instead of learning about it (low iron and potassium), and not figuring out the issue with his eating) could have been prevented by the vets as well, had they been paying attention... but theirs mistakes? I blame myself for letting them take choices that, from the beginning, felt wrong. And I told them why, and I was ignored. (.... I was extremely ignored even in other circumstances, now I think about it...)

But that's the thing: I should have put my foot down, that's the part that I blame myself for the most. I don't know why I was such a wimp. For that, I'll never forgive myself. Not sure if I should.

I was ignored with Mia too. For a long time. To the point where I had said that if by the time her annual came around, which was about 2 months away, a month after she passed and just before she was diagnosed, that if no one was willing to push... I was taking her elsewhere for another opinion. That decision came sadly too late.

You should forgive yourself. When you're ready.

The reality is the reason we have such a hard forgiving ourselves is that ultimately we are responsible for them. Even if it was 1% on us, or even 0%, because they rely on us if we make a mistake, or even think we made one, we are tough on ourselves and have a hard time forgiving the fact that we feel we failed them. Even if we didn't.

When an animal is ill, and there is a lot going on, we are often in a different thinking state and things are not as clear. Stress, panic, worry, over thinking, trying to sort through every detail. Did we do this? Did we tell the vet that? What about this? What about that? Sometimes we don't know how to push, or what to push for. There's fear too. What if we push for the wrong thing? It's a type of hyper focus. We can end up missing a lot. Does that make sense?

I feel bad for the vets and am a bit more forgiving now as time has passed - as while some are just jerks and complete incometant and downright stupid... I have met those, I think most generally mean well and are doing the best they can - like us - sometimes that's not going to be good enough but it's all they have. On top of dealing with many sick and critical animals, they have their lives to manage., exhaustion, overwork, difficult people and of course having to be careful they don't get sued. High stress. I wouldn't want their jobs.

I say this often to people when it comes to healthcare, be it animal or person. I was fortunate enough to be raised around a man who was considered the best diagnostician in my country. He taught me a lot. One of the things I never forgot was him saying to me was that Medicine was 90% creativity and 10% science and he is not wrong. He said "There can be 2000 things wrong with you and I have tests for 100. Once I've exhausted all those test - I better be darn good at what I do." I think it's the same, if not worse, in animal Medicine. They know even less than human Medicine actual does and they have less tests! I can only imagine what this must do to the vets sometimes. Wanting to help - but being unable to do so. Mind you that's no excuse for not listening to someone though.

Eventually forgive yourself - and them. Maybe not now - but someday.

- And last but not least, the not making a tribute yet for Mia... I never made one for Sueño. That was back in 2019. Sure, almost immediately, Gremlin started entering FIV crisis, and I had to deal with the new circumstances almost immediately. And it's not like I forgot: I cried almost every day for at least half a year for Sueño... But I didn't and now I feel bad I did not write anything... no, now that I think about it, I did write something - I just never posted it. I wonder why I never posted it. Strange, it's like I was a different person from back then, I can't follow my own logic.

Don't feel bad. You never posted it because you didn't need to. You did it in your heart and you were also dealing with another crisis while trying to manage grief. That's a lot to balance. Sueño would have wanted you to look after Gremlin - just as you did. That honored them in a way far deeper than any post would have and it is about honoring them.

There are people here that don't post for years - it's taken them a long time to be ready. If you ever decide you need to do one for Sueño - there is no time limit on it - and no pressure to do it.

You probably were a different person back then. I can tell you that when Mia died there are parts of me that have irrevocably been changed by her passing. I am not the same person I was a year ago.

I can follow your logic. It's completely understandable.

Sorry, I'm being weird. I was supposed to just mention the funny coincidences and the feel I get from your words and it being a great help. I digressed a lot. Back on track now. I read your comment last night, actually. It helped me sleep - which is a lot considering. And I feel a little less alone - and that's a lot too. Knowing there's at least one other person in this world with a tiny bit as insane as I am gave me some very needed peace of mind XP So I wanted to thank you again. Really, thank you.

Nope not weird at all!

I'm glad it helped you to sleep. Taking care of yourself is important and grief can really exhaust you. Making sure you rest and eat and drink a lot of water is more important than you think.

Slightly insane people unite! :-) I consider myself in excellent company!

And if you are going to do that tribute one of these days, link me, please.
And I hope you feel better too.

I will do and thank you.

Hopefully what I wrote makes sense. I went this week from being no-vid to covid (yup I finally managed to get the dreaded Covid after 4 years of not) and I'm just getting past the worst of it I think. Man it packs a punch. I was not expecting that.

 

[NadiaRey]

Shucks. Yeah, it seems COVID is making a comeback here too. You know... that thing I posted about hemocianine species like squid? It's good for all virus, not just inmunodeficiency. In fact, I only found about copper being this powerful antiviral because of the COVID craze, back when I was doing journalism. So, if you can take a copper suplemmentation, or add moluscs to your diet (some crustaceous too, as per wikipedia info), I'd give it a try. (Even if it did not hit hard at all, it's always better if you can take steps to avoid the lingering effects, right?)

It's been a big help reading you. ...To the point I've been thinking of bringing this conversation up in therapy, as an example or clue about what could be effective for my particular brand of mental breakdown.
Considering we are both writing while ill, let me tell you, you are much more lucid than I am for the task. You're putting my feelings into words better than I am being able to.

On that note, I think I'll let you take a break from listening to me cry my way through a coherent thought. You, and anyone else reading, are welcome to write here all you want, of course. It's been good company. But I don't want you to feel obliged. Most have been said anyways, I think. So thanks.

Thank you for sticking around this long. It's very, very appreciated.

 

[Stormy accepts you]

When I get home after dealing with rude customers at work or after having an especially hard day, y’all are the only people I want to talk to.

 

[Stormy accepts you]

You did everything right too.

 

[gareth]

And now I feel I might have been too soon, that I still could have done more.

Better 100 days too early than 1 day too late.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[FeralHearts]

NadiaRey How are you doing?