To Gremlin

[NadiaRey]

We let Gremlin go last night.

It's a dumb, horrible unsatisfying resolution to all his fighting. I thought it was time. And now I feel I might have been too soon, that I still could have done more. That he might have wanted to stay and try a little bit more. I love him like I have no life after this. I can't bear not feeling him sleep by my side in the bed. I was so proud he was a FIV+ 18yo who was beating a near unbeatable complication... I feel like I failed him the last days. And I know you don't have to hear this, I'm doing catharsis with no point to it. But I let him go and now I just want him back. I just want him back...

Gremlin, my baby, it took me only stepping outside for you to meet me. You even skipped while running to me when called. You reached me with your head bumping as if to give me cause for a pet. Went down the stairs clumsily, jumped up small surfaces like it was a feat. Even when not feeling ok, you purred, reacted to me. You always came to sleep by my side - even these hard weeks, you had your days you came back to me, jumped on the bed and snuggled. You curled up in the most ridiculous positions. You had your chin often exposed, body twisted, as if to show your trust. Used my leg as a pillow, or face as bedrest where to put your butt. There was hardly a time you didn't want to spend together - and the feeling was mutual. I have been in love with you more than I have been with any human person. Not sure what that says about me, but you are to me as -if no more- important to my life than most of everyone I've ever encountered, and I'm proud to call you my cat, and to have been your human.

I'm sorry if I let you go too soon...as I'm sorry if it was too late. I'm sorry I didn't think of or make better choices. I'm sorry I didn't stand up to vets when I knew something was amiss. I barely have enough sorries left in me that aren't for you. But above all I'm really hoping you left knowing how much I love you, and I love you (still love you) more than life itself.

I don't know what else to say but it feels this is not enough. You were my beautiful cat. You were beating FIV. You were beating that thing in your chest. And I'm sure, having enough time, you'd have beaten this. You just needed me to figure out how to help you. (You obviously never had a kidney problem, I should have trusted my gut and keep on trying to find the reason, we could have beating this.) They are wrong when they say 18yo is old. You were still young. And that bacteria took your last years out of you.

That's why, know you did everything right. You were more than anyone could have asked of you. You, and Sueño before you, you were both so strong... And I love you more than anything, I loved you, I have always loved you, I always will.

 

[Gunther4ever]

I know right now you are questioning yourself but you did was what your heart told you was right and that's where Gremlin will always live- in your heart.

 

[NadiaRey]

I feel I did what my cowardice told me was right, or other people told me what's right...but thanks.

 

[DeesCats]

NadiaRey , I am so sorry for your loss of Gremlin, please accept my condolences.

It's always difficult to decide on when the right time is to let our cats go and there is always some second guessing on our part. I know you tried your hardest to get him the help that he needed and sometimes it is beyond our power to get them healthy again.

He loved you and you loved him and that is important to keep those good memories in your heart.

 

[rubysmama]

NadiaRey : I'm so sorry for your loss of Gremlin. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, as your love for him, and the pain of losing him, was evident in your every word. I understand the second guessing, as it's so hard not to do that, when all we wanted was to make them well again.

RIP dear Gremlin, and know your human loved you.

 

[Margot Lane]

I’ve never owned a FIV+ cat. I think those who have must be extra courageous & loving. You did all you could for Gremlin, he knows you loved him.

 

[KittyCat_chitchat]

I am so sorry for you. I'm sure plenty of us have been in your situation, not knowing if we got the timing right. I can't know whether you did on not. But what I am sure of is that you are a wonderful cat parent who wanted nothing but the best for Gremlin. You gave him something all too many cats sadly never experience: a home, respect as a living, feeling being, and most importantly, you gave him love. Of one thing I am sure, and that is that Gremlin knew you loved him. And if he knows anything now, it is that letting him go was an expression of this love.

The world will seem empty now, but it WILL get better with time. With time, the hole that Gremlin has left will be filled with happy memories of your time together and gratitude that this sweet boy was part of your life for so many years.

Take care of yourself. Sending hugs your way.

 

[fionasmom]

I am so sorry for your loss of Gremlin. I remember Sueno very well and how hard you fought for him against impossible conditions. You did the same for Gremlin. He lived to be 18+ despite the FIV and this is because of your excellent care of him.

It is not always a matter of could we do more, but should we. Beyond a certain point, I firmly believe that the kindest act is to release them from further stress and suffering. Doing more does not mean that there will be quality of life or happiness as much as it might be just one more procedure or medication.

Gremlin and Sueno knew how much you loved them.

 

[di and bob]

I know how shattered you are right now, and every feeling, every emotion you are going through is normal. Second guessing yourself, and the guilt that accompanies it, ALWAYS comes with grieving. Why? Because not one of us is perfect. We are human and make mistakes, or think we make mistakes, because we can think and sometimes think too much. Mistakes we learn from. you made no mistakes because everything you did you did out of love and concern for your precious Gremlin.
The normal liifespan for cats is 12 -15 years. Over that shows the care they received. 18-20 is equal to a human over a hundred, frail and bound to have things making them even frailer. To live with FIV over treh age of 18 displays the extraordinary care and love that cat received. and the love he had for you.......
Do not overly dwell on helping him end his suffering. Because with what he had he was bound to have a furure full of suffering and pain. you did not end his pain too soon, you gave him a release, and he loves you all the more for it.
the bond of love you have built will always link your two souls together. It is spiritual, so eternal. He will be gone physically from your life, but will always be with you spiritually. Send him thoughts and prayers of love and he will do the same. He would never want you to be so sad. Go into the future and find happiness once more, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. This takes a long time for the heart to realize, time is the only thing that dulls the sharp edges of grief. One day you will find yourself grateful for having him in your life, it was meant to be and you are truly blessed to have known a love like that. He gave you something precious in this world, a cat's heart, treasure it.......RIP sweet Gremlin. You will always be remembered and loved, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord hold and bless you, until you meet again!

 

[NadiaRey]

I’ve never owned a FIV+ cat. I think those who have must be extra courageous & loving. You did all you could for Gremlin, he knows you loved him.

I want to address this for future references for anybody owning a FIV+ cat: Gremlin entered his "final stage" in 2019...and did a near full recovery.

I'm saying this was after he started his squid diet. He was only getting worse, and he did a 180. I gave him four more years, with quality of life - maybe a bit more tired, and a bit more cowardly, but moving and acting like he always did in almost every sense. No kidney problems or complications - he only got one infection (streptococcus) and got over it after two weeks of antibiotic like any normal cat.

Nothing else... At least until he got this bacteria (Pseudomona) in 2022 - even then, the bacteria should have destroyed him immediately, but after an initial incident that may not even be related(*), he stayed well.

(*)Actually, I should mention he didn't just struggled with Pseudomona: he got that possibly along with another thing - these things usually come in pairs... Probably a fungi, possibly cryptococcus, because it reacted to Itraconazol and he got better... Both crypto and pseudomona do nothing if you're normal health but are extremely dangerous if you're inmunodeficient - and Gremlin seemly got them both, at the same time, and yet... he was keeping them at bay as if he was normal.

He even recovered near perfect health for *two whole years*... before this happened. (For context: a tooth extraction, from an infection that made it painful to chew: anesthesia and corticoids lowered his defenses and triggered a chain reaction with the dormant Pseudomona... and maybe the crypto. We didn't know the Pseudomona was there...)

(Extra note: the Pseudomona was even the reason his kidneys were slightly altered, can you believe it? All this time thinking it was chronic because of his age, and the kidney were actually really healthy, just being constantly under attack - his last bloodwork after starting treatment a week showed very normal creatinine...)

Honestly, with all this, it feel like he might have pulled through this time too... if only we knew WTF went wrong at the end (something about his abdomen, not sure if weak or in pain, and no time to find out...)

What I'm trying to say is that the diet works. The coper in squids' blood (hemocianine, "blue blood" because of the color it takes from using coper instead of iron to move oxigen) is a powerful antiviral that doesn't hurt the body. (No coloidal coper, never.)

His blood work confirms it: hemogram/white-cell count looked fine, even to the very end. He never took an antiretroviral drug, just the squid twice a week.

So I will insist anybody with a FIV+ cat tries it: give him squid (calamar) or octopus or anything with "hemocianine" twice a week.

Please trust me on this. I honestly believe it's a mistake not to try. You have nothing to lose.

 

[di and bob]

Thank you so much for your knowledge!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Gremlin, dream you deep. Your purrs echo in someone's heart forever.

It is so human to feel guilt when we have lost a beloved. It is so human to question ourselves, to "what if" for hours, days, sometimes forever. This is what I know, that Gremlin lived, breathed and had his being wrapped in your love. Gremlin took his first step through the Gate between This Adventure and his Next Great Adventure wrapped in your love. And he traveled his Path with your love beside him. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things (ALL THINGS) Are Known, Gremlin blesses you for your love and unending care, and he sends his own love, translated and purified into Love, back to you, to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides, always, forever, Love abides.

 

[Alldara]

The only thing to add to the above, is that Gremlin will also live on in all the knowledge you pass along because of the care you gave him.

I wish you peace and I hope one day you can be proud of those accomplishments you listed above. I know it's so hard. I gave Lily 4 years beyond what she should have had. When you plan a fighting role that long, it does feel like defeat.

Death greets each living being in the end. It is inevitable, unavoidable. It is not a failure for it to happen.

 

[IzzysfureverMom]

You did so much for Gremlin. Valentino was 10 years old when I when I had him euthanized. He had Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia. Nothing worked. We think of cats tolerating prednisolone well he did not and it wasn't helping him either. They put him on a cancer drug that did not get much improvement and hematocrit levels continued to decline. As a last ditch effort we did a blood transfusion . The transfusion literally lasted 24 hours before he crashed. His blood was actually pink at that time and all his organs were failing. You did the only kindness you could just like I did with Valentino. If I tried to keep him going it would have been for me not him. Please try to be kind to yourself. I know to it is very hard. You did so so much for Gremlin. I was grieving, but I was also angry as hell at the unfairness of it all. Life's not fair though. You like me were lucky to have our boys for the time we had them. I wish you peace and hope for the future. These decisions are never ever easy. In time you will be able to remember and cherish all the wonderful memories I am sure you have of Gremlin.

 

[Stormy accepts you]

Honey, he never blamed you for anything. Even the strongest among us must lay down the fight and rest at some point. You did enough. He thinks you did. He’s running free now, no more pain, no more sickness. Only joy. He‘s so proud of you. You did good.

 

[NadiaRey]

I'm just going to add this here, since google photos was so kind as to make it.

 

[Cat McCannon]

Never on their worst day. NadiaRey , you did your best and Gremlin is at rest. Now you can rest, too.

 

[FeralHearts]

He is a beautiful boy, and a beautiful soul. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry if I let you go too soon...as I'm sorry if it was too late. I'm sorry I didn't think of or make better choices. I'm sorry I didn't stand up to vets when I knew something was amiss. I barely have enough sorries left in me that aren't for you. But above all I'm really hoping you left knowing how much I love you, and I love you (still love you) more than life itself.

You gave him such a wonderful life against so many odds. I have no doubt he knew how much you loved him and that everything you did was for him. It's amazing with all that he had going on that he got to 18 - and that's a testament to you and your dedication to him. Even at 18 - there is never enough time with them though. 100 wouldn't be enough. XOXO

I feel I did what my cowardice told me was right, or other people told me what's right...but thanks.

No, that wasn't cowardice - it was love. Everything you did was out of love.

There is saying that I never quite got until I lost one of my own. "Better a day early then a day late." I lost my Mia in the parking lot at the vets. She had turned from not doing great to critical in less than an hour before we were to leave to her Docs. That fast. It was not the passing she should have had. She deserved better. I still cry at least once week. (29 days from diagnostics to her leaving us.)

So no, not cowardice - what you did was pure love for Gremlin.

A very wise, kind soul here, when Mia was sick said to me that one thing they could guarantee was that no matter what choices I made, I would second guess them always. That turned up to be very true - and in many ways it actually brings some comfort... strange as that sounds.

We never know what the "right" choice is in cases like this when we are dealing with a cat that is not doing well. We do the best we can at the time with the information we have. It's all we've got. Another choice may have been worse, or better. The not knowing is painful. I understand that all to well.

It's going to take a lot of time. (I'm still not there yet myself and it's just over a year.) It's takes the time it takes - and one day I hope you find peace with it knowing you did everything you possibility could have. Knowing what you knew - you thought of Gremlin first even before you own pain of losing him. That is the purest kind of love.

XOXOXOXOXO

 

[NadiaRey]

Thanks for taking the time to write that. Many people have told me similar things but I got from your words how it translated for you, and that was honestly helpful. Kindred spirit I guess, about the second guessing and everthing. It's only been a month (literally, one month aniversary) but it feels like it's been longer, and I still get surprised when I break down. I suppose I should take a longer while to let me process it. After all, I should know: it took over a year with Sueño (my previous)... It's just that I'm not handling it well. That's the honest truth. I never expected this to hurt so much. And I still haven't figured out who or what I am without them. It's a weird feeling. Besides, to have something at the tip of your fingers and it slipping away anyways... I thought, because I was better preppared after Sueño, that with Gremlin I'd know and do better... But it didn't happen like that at all. I think that's the part that destroys me. The part where I know, was I able to go back in time, I would now know how to do it better. Neither of them had to die. Not then or like that. I wished I had known the things I know now, F--- It's killing me...


I want also to thank the catsite community at large. You've been an amazing support, since back when Sueño got sick, and many times when Gremlin was going through a crisis. I think I hit the jackspot when I found that thread about cryptococcus. I could never get my vets to hear me out, but if I'm being honest, I think had I listened to them, I'd have lost Gremlin much earlier ... (Vets are human beings, erring is human... but it's harder to forgive them when their errors hurt *them*. And they got hurt alright... [And it's not fair they were, not when there were things to be done to avoid it - or just, if they have taken two minutes to think things over so not to gloss over the important things that lead to malpractice... Sorry, I just feel like I need to explain why my attitude is a bit hostile about this issue, but I know that there's no point dwelling on this now...].)

And that wasn't even the only occassion that this site helped me. I've people reach to me via private message, the nicest people I've met, possibly. Always ready to lend a hand. What I'm trying to say is, your help has been invaluable. Even if it's just to hear me out, like you're doing here. So, thank you. Really thank you.

 

[FeralHearts]

Thanks for taking the time to write that. Many people have told me similar things but I got from your words how it translated for you, and that was honestly helpful.

I'm glad.

I think that's the part that destroys me. The part where I know, was I able to go back in time, I would now know how to do it better. Neither of them had to die. Not then or like that. I wished I had known the things I know now, F--- It's killing me...


I want also to thank the catsite community at large. You've been an amazing support, since back when Sueño got sick, and many times when Gremlin was going through a crisis. I think I hit the jackspot when I found that thread about cryptococcus. I could never get my vets to hear me out, but if I'm being honest, I think had I listened to them, I'd have lost Gremlin much earlier ... (Vets are human beings, erring is human... but it's harder to forgive them when their errors hurt *them*. And they got hurt alright... [And it's not fair they were, not when there were things to be done to avoid it - or just, if they have taken two minutes to think things over so not to gloss over the important things that lead to malpractice... Sorry, I just feel like I need to explain why my attitude is a bit hostile about this issue, but I know that there's no point dwelling on this now...].)

And that wasn't even the only occassion that this site helped me. I've people reach to me via private message, the nicest people I've met, possibly. Always ready to lend a hand. What I'm trying to say is, your help has been invaluable. Even if it's just to hear me out, like you're doing here. So, thank you. Really thank you.

I think that's the part that destroys me. The part where I know, was I able to go back in time, I would now know how to do it better. Neither of them had to die. Not then or like that. I wished I had known the things I know now, F--- It's killing me...

That is a valid and perfectly rational feeling.

And this hit home for me too. When Mia died, I fell apart and one of my friends asked how they could help. I said get me a time machine. A few days later they came to me with over 30 pages of theoretically math for a time machine. It was pretty good math too. So I feel that comment deeply. I actually went looking for one. Not joking and before anyone thinks I'm nuts they would need to understand the caliber of people I'm surrounded by tio understand why it's not completely certifiably insane. Close though.

Sorry, I just feel like I need to explain why my attitude is a bit hostile about this issue, but I know that there's no point dwelling on this now...].)

It's okay to feel hostile about it too. I can tell you that with Mia, the most help I actually got was from here. Not where it should have come from. I actually do blame the vets to some degree for how she passed and how quickly she passed. While I have no doubt the outcome (her passing) would probably have happened - the timeframe, and the how, is a big thorn in my side. I won't ever fully trust a white coat again after what happened and I should have known better to begin with.

I'm positive we are not the only ones that feel this way. Vets are human, they make mistakes. When they fail to listen or don't look close enough - they can miss things. Sometimes they get blinders on and can't see the forest through the trees. It's sad but true.

So be hostile, be angry. It's okay and also very normal. Just in case you plan on having words with them I would wait a bit. Give yourself time first and if you feel you need to say anything do so once you're in a bit of a better place.

I can tell you that I never planned on saying how I felt to her vets, but then they made a big mistake on one of my other sick babies tests. (I have three other unwell ones.) Nothing that put her in danger, but enough that I decided a conversation had to be had with them. So I did and I let them know exactly what happened with Mia and how I hold them partially accountable for it. ( FYI I hold myself and the oncologist just as responsible.) I burst into tears during that convo and had to breath my way though finishing it. They admitted their failures. I have respect for that. I can't say every clinic would have done the same.

This last year I learned more about what was going on at the clinic at the time and I understand how things happened. Should it have? Absolutely not. It's made me 100 times more diligent though that it will never happen again.

The anger is much less now that I had a rational conversation with them about it and it was rational. Without being accusatory. Simply facts. The facts spoke for themselves. Had the other person not acknowledge my accurate information presented and tried to shirk their end of things - it may have ended far differently. Sometimes I still get F-ing mad about how unfair these things are.

This is actually the most I have said about things with Mia. I haven't even done a tribute for her yet here.

I tell you this so that you understand how normal your reactions are even though it might feel as though they aren't. Anger is part of it and it's okay. You have to get it out. There is dwelling on things and there is letting it all out so you can process it all. It's a lot to process. A lot. It's a lot of emotions to feel and they will go all over the place daily. It's okay that they do.

Vent. Scream. Cry. I can't tell you the number of times I had to drive and then walk into the middle of nowhere and scream at the top of my lungs to get it out. The pain can sometimes be almost unbearable. I promise you, getting it out, even the part that hostile, in a productive way like talking about it. Helps heal.

And that's what we are here for. Most of us have sadly experienced these losses, some tragically, like you and I. Others age or an illness that couldn't be won. We share the joys here and the sorrows equally.

And that wasn't even the only occassion that this site helped me. I've people reach to me via private message, the nicest people I've met, possibly. Always ready to lend a hand. What I'm trying to say is, your help has been invaluable. Even if it's just to hear me out, like you're doing here. So, thank you. Really thank you.

This is the best community in the world. I've yet to meet a bunch of people I would put on a pedestal the ways I do these souls. They are remarkable. I can't tell you how many times they've done the same for me. I can tell you they were more help with Mia than her vets were.

No one will judge you for how you feel. Your allowed to feel however you feel. Please know it's all okay.